Hi Jilly. I've been thinking about you and your husband for quite a while now. I haven't heard anything from you in quite some time, so I thought I'd do a little searching for you.

I came across the above quotation in one of your responses to LA, and it sort of "clicked."

I don't have your email address, so this is the only way I know to ask you a question.

How are you doing? How is your recovery going? How is your walk with God going? And how are you doing with the "monkey?"

God bless.

Yeap, JJ, How are you doing?

Look forward to hearing from you!

^^bump^^

[color:"red"] THIS is funny too FH

.... all in my mind, yanno?

Pep [/color]

Pep, someone must have tickled your funny bone!

I know yanno!

FH

FH,

Thanks for thinking of me. I am not in that good of a space right now. Interesting that you were able to glean that quote from my conversations with LA. Would suggest to me that you are good at finding the issues in quite a lot of words.


My pattern has been fight/flight for most of my life. I have been really sad a lot lately. I am struggling with a lot of internal conflict and shame. I did post a long respone to LA last night so if you have time you can read it and see some of the other issues that are going on.

I think you are asking about my marital recovery here... it's bumpy. In some ways our M is in much better shape. In other ways we still have a long way to go. My H is doing better... he has gotten the monkey off. I am very proud of him for this. It takes courage to be the leader in this way. I think I am still afraid of the potential of how much he could hurt me. Thus my withdrawal... which isn't good for our M. I withdraw further inward which I see more and more clearly just doesn't work for me. Keeping stuff in is toxic. Shoving it down... and I am still struggling with self worth issues... and the shame from my own choices... believing somehow that I deserve this because of what I have done. I posted about this to LA too in my last post.



Not where it should be... I have backslid here too. I have got to start trusting God more. It seems I fall off the bike a few times before stuff sticks. I haven't been as regular about attending church... I don't know why either because I always feel better when I go. I think partly it is my own shame about the monkey that makes me feel unworthy of God's forgiveness even though I know He is with me and He is rooting for me. I still talk to Him regularly but I don't think I am quieting myself and listening to what He is telling me enough.

I have relapsed twice in the last month or so. Not as big relapses and I get back on the bike much more quickly then I have in the past but it is still an issue. I haven't given up... I keep at it. I want recovery here. I think I have self sabatoged a few times in this area too.

I keep thinking what is wrong with me... why can't I snap out of this? Why am I not stronger... but thinking about it right now I am thinking I am a lot stronger when I let Jesus take the wheel. Makes me think of the scripture..."I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." I think I need to put that on a post it and stick it up around me. Note to self... you cannot do this alone.

I think maybe Satan is whispering in my other ear... you are alone, you've always been alone... you will always be alone. I have to remind myself that Satan does this kind of thing... he is probably loving the fact that I am struggling.

FH please keep praying for me. I am going to commit to myself and God to show up weekly at His house again. I can't go tonight because we are going to my dad's for his birthday but I am making that committment again... I know He is waiting for me there. Thanks for asking about that too... because I need to be reminded.

I have a lot of negative self image and talk going on in my head lately. I am mad and disappointed in myself. I need to work on that too.

Rin,

I just read your newer thread last night. I didn't know it was you at first because of the name change. I am so sorry about what is going on with your H.

Sounds like you are at peace with yourself and your choices and I am always in awe of your determined spirit.

Thanks for thinking of me.

FH,

^^bump^^

HI! LOL...well, that will teach you to stay away for so long! LMAO

Thank you, I surprise myself often!

Now, if I could just stop the SF dreams for...oh...say a year or so...I just started having them...weird!

Glad to see that you are still coming around! Missed you!

Jilly - sorry for the delay in responding. I've been a bit "covered up" lately and I don't see that changing any time soon. Hence my "MB" related posting and responding to email messages has been limited.

Now, there are many things that I could say in response to your post, but I think that it's best to start with the simplest issue first. Everything else appears to be the "frayed edges" of that, so let's "go back" to what we talked about a long time ago.

Can God forgive adultery?
Can God forgive drug abuse?
Can God forgive swearing, drunkeness, thievery, gossiping...etc.?

What is impossible for God to forgive?

Do our CHOICES in life, forgiven or not, have consequences that are attached to them?

Just how important is it to you that Jesus gave up his life for you in willing obedience to God the Father's will, even though his human desire was to NOT have to do what the Father had commanded of him? After all, NOT ONE OF US was "worthy of" or "merited" his dieing for us, let alone our being forgiven and justified in the eyes of God because of anything we had done.

Jilly, I remember well your struggle when we first talked. I remember well the doubts that you could be forgiven.

Do you remember?

Now I hear "excuses" for not doing what you know you should do. Okay, that's human, so I can understand that. We all do similiar things from time to time. But HOW does a "mere mortal" cope and deal with all the temptations in life? How does a "mere mortal" understand their self worth to God?

If you do not associate regularly and consistantly with "God's people," just HOW do you expect to "recharge" your batteries after they have been worn down each week in the task of living in the world?



Jilly, let me make a confession to you. I nailed Jesus to the Cross as surely as those who were present at the crucifixion did. It was MY sin that Jesus died for. It was MY shortcomings and human sin that drove the spikes into Jesus. It was my "monkey" of preference for doing wrong that stuck a spear in Jesus' side. It was my slavery to Satan that crowned Jesus with sharp thorns. It was my refusal to submit to God as my sovereign Lord that caused Jesus to die. How unworthy of His sacrifice for me SO THAT God could forgive me and adopt me as his child, regardless of how totally despicable I was as a sinner. How undeserving of God's love, that he would take me, flaws and all, and create in me a clean heart in his eyes, and reshape me into something more pleasing to him, worthy to be called his child and the bride of his Son.

How patient God is with me today.

The PROCESS of Santification, of conforming my life more and more to be like Christ, is a PROMISE of God. God takes ALL of the circumstances in our lives and molds them, shapes them, changes them to work for good in our process of Sanctification. Some of us, like me, can stubborn as mules and sometimes God waits for us to stop beating our heads against the wall. It's easier to open the door that already exists rather than trying to create an opening it the brick wall with our heads. But sometimes we HAVE to "try it our way" before we are "ready" to try it God's way.

How's YOUR head feeling these days?

[color:"red"]Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. [/color] (Rev.3:19-20)

Jilly, how do you worship God if you do not attend the weekly gathering together of the saints?

How do you get fed from the living Word of God if you do not regularly hear the Word faithfully exposited?




Jilly, I spoke to you some time ago about "God's triangle of marriage" and the sure truth that as both husband and wife begin walking toward God, getting closer to God with each step, they WILL grow closer to each other also, because that is the EFFECT of the CAUSE of becoming more Christ-like. The process of Sanctification is not the ONLY promise that God makes to believers. God also promise the "results," the "effects" of that process on the WHOLE of our lives, and that includes our "one flesh" marital life.

COULD you be hurt again? Sure, just like I could. But that's only possible if one or both of us turns our back on Jesus and walks away. As long as we are walking toward God, with Christ, it is Jesus who is leading us and keeping us on the path that avoids the snares and pitfalls that might seek to entice us into infidelity, or drug abuse, or any of a host of "self-centered" sins.




Getting tired of hitting that wall with your head yet?

Read the above quotes again and again. Read them every Monday and every Friday. If you need "sticky notes" to help you for a while, USE THEM. NOT ONE OF US can "do it alone."

God has given believers a command, NOT because HE needs it, but because WE need it and God knows we need it.


"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, have our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us fomr a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us conssider how we mayh spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:19-25, NIV, emphasis added)

Stay faithful to your commitments that were quoted from your post. Trust God to be faithful to His promises.

God bless.

Post deleted by notonlywords_

NOW - JustJilly is actually in an affair marriage. Don't waste too much sympathy on her.

Post deleted by notonlywords_

Thanks for the birthday wishes NOW.

Lots I could say about David and Bathsheeba but I'm not here for religious debates. David was very remorseful and repentant wasn't he.

Many BS's here are afronted by this woman.

Jilly, I just wanted to make sure you understand what NOW is saying here, or at least what I think was being said.

This is a "attitude" or a "motivation" issue. It is NOT that we are not to do some things, we are. But it is founded in obedience to God not in "bargaining with God" so that "if I do this" God MUST "do that" or "give me what I want."

Let me put it to you in God's words, as they are definitive for believers and needs to be the first place we turn to for guidance that comes from God.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:8-10, NIV, emphasis added)

"DOING" does not "earn" us "rightness" with God. Christ has already done that on our behalf. It is DONE. We (believers) are now a "new creation" IN CHRIST JESUS. God already did that "work," that "work" that we were incapable of doing on our own.

BUT, God did not simply create us to "lay about" and do nothing in response. God changed our hearts and is reshaping our lives to become vessels worthy of His use, His honor, His glory. As PART of that "reshaping" process God gives us commands that we are to obey, simply because He IS our sovereign Lord and has the right to command us.

God "prepared in advance" certain things for us to DO. Those things are under the heading of "good works," but NOT because they earn us anything that merits our salvation, but because they were PREPARED by God, for God, for us to do as His children.

Included among those things is to "grow in the faith." It is very difficult, don't you think, to "grow in anything," let alone to "grow in maturity and understanding in the faith," if you don't study, don't go to school, don't do the DOING of learning what God has said, to be earnestly seeking after what God HAS said and IS saying to us?

Read God's Word. How else will you KNOW what God has said?

Regularly attend church because the PRIMARY purpose of church, of the gathering together of the saints, is to WORSHIP God and to learn more about what God has said in His Word as the Pastor faithfully exegetes (explains) what God has said as the Lord guides him through the Holy Spirit.

Learn what "Tools" God has already provided to believers that they can use to combat temptations and Satan. READ Ephesians 6:10-18. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Eph.6:12)

Jilly, we all suffer from the lies of Satan. Believers are no different. We continue to live in a fallen body and struggle, just as Paul did, with the effects of a corrupted body and a corrupted world. But God does NOT leave us without resources, founded in Christ, with which we can "combat" those struggles, evils, and temptations.

So it's easy to "believe" the lie of Satan that we are "not good enough for God." That's because it IS founded in TRUTH. But it is twisted as a lie of Omission. It's like telling your spouse that you are going to the store. You ARE going to the store, but you are also taking a "side trip" to visit a partner in adultery. You just "leave out that part." Satan does the same thing. You and I, NOW and every other person on the face of the planet, ARE "unworthy" of God. THAT IS THE POINT of the NECESSITY of Jesus' sacrifice IN OUR PLACE and ON OUR BEHALF. Forgive my "shouting," but we need to HEAR God when Satan attempts his lies.

"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations.

His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.

He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.

For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.

Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.

In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.

And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." (Ephesians 2:13-22, NIV, emphasis added)


Jilly, forgiving, both ourselves for the wrongs we have committed and other believers for the wrongs they have done to us, has already been done by God because Jesus already took all of our sins and covered them with His blood. Satan says "Ya, but...." to get us to doubt that God REALLY did mean what God has said, "while we were yet sinners."

We repent of those sins because God commands us TO repent. Why? Does he "need" our repentance to be ABLE to forgive us? Not any more than God needs us be a part in His saving grace. God does NOT "need" us to "do something" to merit His grace. He GIVES IT TO US, and all we have to is to receive it. We repent BECAUSE God first changes our hearts and gives a heart that IS inclined toward God, and inclined to knowing and doing what is in concert with God's Will, and not in opposition to God's Will.

Repentance is something we "do" because God gave us "Free Will" SO THAT we can choose to show our love FOR God by humble submission of our will, our thoughts, our actions, TO God and His Will in the matter. We TURN and LEAVE sin that we are convicted of because we now recognize that sin and God do not go together and neither should they be a part of our lives as His children.

What NOW is getting as it this, Trust God, Obey God, understand that now you ARE God's child and no longer Satan's child. If you believe that God is faithful to all of His promises to His children, and that no one can "overrule God," then you will DO what is commanded out of love for God and not out of an attitude of "what's in it for me."

God bless.

Rin,

Good to see you... I don't know why you are so surprised by your self. You are doing great!!

Care to explain the SF thing on the Villagers thread in a bit more detail? Want to look at why it is happening now together?

Missed you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

NOW,

I want you to know that before you post to me any further that like BK said... my marriage is what is called an "affair marriage". By some it will never be recognized as a real marriage. I accept that. I don't blame BK for the way he feels of take offense by his stance regarding me.

SO for clarication purposes I was previously married and so was my H. We had an A. We both divorced. We have been married for almost 9 years. Last summer my H had an A and I became a BS. I don't think I really got the magnitude of my own previous actions (sins). According to Big K the only way I can ever be forgiven by God is to divorce my H and either remarry my first H, same for my H or to remain unmarried for the rest of my life. A divorce is the only way he believes my sin will be covered by the blood of Christ.

I accept this is his belief and respect that he is firm in his conviction. I disagree with his belief but I do accept and respect that he has a right to believe what he does.

Big K... I would have told NOW about my situation before posting with her. I stick to threads where those there already know my situation and have chosen to speak to me anyway. I don't join in any reindeer games on the board. I stick to two threads mainly... you know that. I know you can't stand me... I accept that. FH started this thread... the only people that posted to this thread before NOW were people who were clearly aware of my situation and now NOW knows too so she can make her choice about whether or not she "chooses" to engage in any further dialogue with me. If she chooses not to then I will accept that. Her choice... not mine and not yours.

Now~ clearly I have some issues. FH and MM and Neak have really helped guide me spiritually since August. FH has spent a lot of time helping me get to the point where I could actually even begin to feel forgiven and accept that Jesus died for my sins too. Some troublesome events have caused me to carry a heavy burden lately and rather than saying Jesus I can't carry this alone, I have tried to carry a burden I can't on my own.

This is what happens when you give Satan any power over your thoughts. I'll get into that more in my reply to FH.

yep... totally agree. I cannot miss church... I need to be there EVERY week. It is where I feel forgiveness most and veering off this path even for a short while is not a healthy choice for me. Thanks for reminding me how Satan will attack from an alternate route if he thinks he can't get you one way... he doesn't stop trying.

Thank you for taking time from your life to respond to me. If you choose not to in the future I will understand and won't have hard feelings.

Post deleted by notonlywords_

NOW,

Thank you... it means a lot.

Jilly,

For the record, while I DO think repentance of your adultery would mean a divorce, I don't say that you would have to re-marry your first husband. You could choose to marry anyone you haven't had an affair with IMO.

I don't see repentance when it's like - whoops God, I'm sorry now, lets move on.

I don't hate you - I don't hate anyone.

I do think it ironic that a women in an affair marriage would seek help here in dealing with her "husbands" subsequent adultery. and I do think many BS's here are offended by that.

But yes - I do know you have kept out of sight and that is appreciated by me and probably many others as well.