Hi,
I have posted somewhere else on this forum and someone suggested I explain my situation here.
I have a feeling this may be shocking to most so if at any time you feel this situation shocks you please stop reading and move on, or in any case, try to be gentle.
So here goes.

I am in early 40s. husband late 40s. Children almost adults now. Been married for 20 + years. Difficult at first. Had an affair with a guy much older than me like 10 years ago. Went on for about year and a half. Guy asked me to leave family. I did not leave. Husband sensed and asked me what was wrong. Told him + Recommitted. Husband forgave (but never forgot; fair enough).
Are you still with me ?

Marital life has been running smoothly for the last few years. Ppleasant. My sex drive is not very much but my husband likes sex a lot I make an effort to please him every time he wants, which I know he appreciates.
Husband is a nice guy if completely unimaginative and has zero ambition; but he loves me and I know it. All in all a good husband and a good father. After the affair I really tried to make it up to him and be the best wife a man could wish for.

Until two years ago.
H has a brother in early 50s. his marriage has been a wreck for years now but he stays for reasons that I neither really know nor want to know. Has been separated once but children asked him to go back home and he did so.
I have always known he was attracted to me. He’s never really hidden his attraction but being that he is family, you know, he can woo his sister in law and still make it seem harmless playful flirting: like “why did you marry my brother instead of me” or “how could my brother marry you; I would never marry you; you are way too ugly” (ok, I am a retired model and still keep in wonderful shape, I simply *know* this is a joke).

Anyway, couple of years ago, while at an outing with friends, BIL was joking about my swimming suit and a guy – out of the blue – simply said “X is so unhappy in his marriage that he has to hit on his SIL to make his life bearable”.
A charged silence followed. BIL fell silent for the rest of the afternoon and never looked at me again until the evening. Husband did not say anything. I pretended I had not heard and so did everybody else.
But that statement confirmed something I had suspected for a long time. He liked me. And the though of this made me so excited that I was shocked with myself. That was when I started falling in love.
My husband has never said anything to me, nor has anyone else.
His wife must have sensed something because she tries to sabotage every attempt he makes to be with us. Sometimes she succeeds, sometimes she fails. She has never ever said anything to me either nasty or unpleasant. Absolutely nothing.

I know I should push BIL away but I am totally incapable. Or maybe I just don’t want to.
I have tried to keep away for 2/3 months, never going to family gatherings, birthday parties and such, making up all sort of excuses (mother in law loves me very much and kept asking me why I did not go any more).
First time I saw him again at mother in law’s after all that time he was barely civil to me, never looked or spoke to me, leaving the room when I came in etc. I knew he was angry. When he left he made it a point to hug everybody BUT me… it saddened me so that quite frankly I never tried the “stay away” approach again.

On the other hand, although BIL is pretty open about finding me attractive or lovable, I suspect he may be in denial about the nature of his feelings and pretend with himself and everybody around him that he is just being affectionate as he would with his own sister.

Based on body language, the way he looks at me when he thinks I am not looking, etc, if he were not my BIL I would say this man is crazy about me. Being my BIL and having known him for so long, I still cannot believe that this is so.

I know this will shock most readers but the truth is that I don’t want this to change. I don’t want to give up the feelings or how it feels to know he likes me and likes to be near me or in the same room etc.
I keep telling myself that I’ll deal with this in due time but I want to see him just one more time, one more time. I cannot think about anything else. I am going crazy.

Since I was the last one to write to you on your other thread, I'd like to copy and paste it here. I hope that you will think about what I said to you... and not see it as an attack, but as something you really need to think about.

To remind you, I said:

Get yourself into IC pronto and figure out why it is you need to demolish your BH, and his family in order to feel good about yourself.

Stop allowing yourself to fantasize about your BIL. Stop thoughts of him dead in their tracks.

Rediscover who your H is. You've put him in a box b/c you believe there isn't much more to learn about him. Hence your statement that he is "completely unimaginative". I don't believe there is a human being who could fit that discription.

Stay away from family gatherings.

If you can't commit to the ideas above call a laywer and start D proceedings. Your H deserves to find a woman who can enjoy getting to know him new every day, and who isn't interested in destroying him and his family.

~ Marsh

agree 100% w/ everything Marsh said.
i think you are having a mid life crisis.
get yourself into IC.....don't ruin your BH or your BIL or his wife's or anybody else in that poor families life by playing out your fantasies.

it does not make you a bad person to have those feelings....but you are not a chld..or a teen ager....you NEED contol yourself!
anything else would be pure selfishness.

please don't play games that will hurt so many....just becuse you crave some excitement.
find a way to create it in your own marriage.....or move on....but leave the brother alone!
your already BH does NOT need that.
that is cruel and selfish!

How is this an emotional affair if they never actually talk to each other privately? They don't seem to have any dialogue going outside the watchful eyes of their spouses. I realize that the danger of it escalating to that level is there...but it seems to be stretching it to call it an EA at this point. Just trying to understand.

i don't say these things to be mean to you....and it is not shocking to me.

I married young....into a large fun family and have several BIL's...... i KNOW eactly what you are talking about...i empathize with you.
please, please don't make a mess out of your life ........and please don't inflict that type of pain on others.

What does this mean? Incapable?

My son used to tell me he was incapable of control over his rage behaviors .... and I told him, "OK. Since YOU cannot control yourself, I will make arrangements for someone to be in control of you."

Same thing goes for you ... If YOU are incapable of self-management, ask you husband for help. He'll take care of this for you. Since you are "incapable".

Do you have a question?

Pep

i don't think it really matters.
it's an EA in her mind.......it is a fantasy....and continuing to fantasize about it can only lead to more problems.