NOW* - maybe you need to go back and reread those posts. Those comments included both you and your husband.

I was going to do more research on the issue, but I think all I'll do is post a link to one of the threads you posted on shortly after arriving at MB. This was a thread begun by your husband in June of 2004. Both you and your husband posted on that thread.....and it doesn't look like much has changed to heal your marriage. You seem as though you are still suffering from a low self-esteem, and he is still using Porn. It doesn't appear as though Christ is the center of your marriage. It appears that you are both still "reacting" and focusing on "me."

2004 - Rich's thread

He did say that he would do anything for you didn't he?

You did have significant remorse and anger about your OM didn't you?

You have both committed marital adultery and you have both been betrayed. So just where DO you want to begin to build a marriage that does honor God and gives you the loving marriage that you desire?

Unless the issues are addressed, there is not likely to be much change. It's been almost 3 years now since that thread, so if I sounded sarcastic it was unintential, but REAL change does seem to be in order, don't you think? That was the point of my "from this day forward comment."

Regardless, MM has a much gentler way with words and I perceive that is what you need and want, so I am bowing out and will let him help. You don't need another stumbling block, and it seems that is how you perceive what I was saying.

God bless.

Thanks FH....

one last question...how do you know his name?

Both you and he posted your real names "back then."

Notonlywords*,

There's no need to feel like a fool. You are not a fool.

You are a decent wife who recognizes the serious damage of pornography to marital intimacy.

And you can't recover your marriage until the addiction to adultery (pornography) has ended.

This is the same concept of not being able to recover a marriage while a Wayward Spouse is continuing a relationship outside the marriage.

We know from MB principles, that No Contact has to be established and implemented for life.

As long as your husband is allowing his sexual Emotional Needs to be met by women outside his marriage, he is adulterous and needs to be treated as such.

It doesn't matter how much he claims to believe in God. His actions with pornography are saying otherwise.

Here's what the Bible says on that:

"Not every one that says to me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven: but he that does the will of my Father who is in heaven, he shall enter into the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 7:21

So first, there has to be No Contact (pornography). Second, there has to be No Contact. And third, there has to be No Contact.

Then you can begin to recover your marriage which has been damaged by pornography from the earliest days.

Get ready. He is going to have a TEMPER TANTRUM over it.

He may even show more disrespect for you than ever before because men who do pornography don't respect women.

Ok, well...I did talk to him about all of this today, and we'll talk more later.

It took you and your wife FOUR years to recover....I think he and I are doing just fine.

This is a Disrespectful Judgment. Observing doesn't know how your husband will react. Observing may not even know that you also were a WW. As I tried to say earlier, there is enough "blame" and enough "problems" to go around.

Pornography is disrespectful of women, that is a given. But we don't need to get into a discussion about the Porn Industry right now.

Suffice it to say that Porn usage needs to stop. Withdrawal is a possibility. And there is a need to address your differing "libido's," but I'll leave all that to MM.

God bless.

For what it's worth, he did not throw a tantrum and I did not approach it with an accusing finger. I didn't throw any blame on him, I am not angry.

We will be moving forward from here.

That's correct, NOW* It took 4 years for her to finally end all contact with the OM.

During the 6 year affair, I remained celebate too. So just how resentful do you think I should be? My wife's "libido" has never been as high as mine, but that is still no "excuse" for "indulging" myself or for her to not try to reach a "happy compromise" with me that we are both find comfortable. That is part of the marriage purpose too, don't you think?

I really need to stop posting on this thread.

I mean this sincerely, good luck with your recovery.

God bless.

FH, it's ok......it does sound like you are still in a bit of pain about your wife's affair. I'm sorry.

I KNOW that I can't judge him for this ....and I know we need to reach a compromise with SF .

I take the burden of this one completely. And I told him so.

And I meant it. I want to carry this cross for us both.

No, NOW*, I am not in any pain. Regrets? Sure, we all have them. But once you have recovered your marriage, the "pains" are left in the past, dead and buried, along with the "what it was like back then." Along the way to Recovered, all couples have to face the "difficult" things and become "changed" people, and that is all the more true for those to profess to have accepted God's gift of Jesus Christ. We were all "adulterers" to God. That also is the point in Scripture of "....and such were some of you."

That's the point of "from this day forward."

God bless.

Oh no! You cant do that. NOW, your husband has to carry his own.

And understand this...any burden on one spouse is still a burden on the other. Why? Because you are one flesh. If I carry a heavy bag in my right arm, it is still a burden on my left. They are interconnected.

So are you and your husband. This has to be a "we" thing...not a "you" or "I" thing. A "You" or "I" thing begets adultery, and begets pornography use. You guys have tried the "you" and "I" thing! That NEVER works!

Of course, you can stand for your boundaries when your husband is sinning. You do not have to accept him using pornography. But, what I have been trying to say is that concentrating on that is not using your energies towards the root of that and other problems. It is best you use all of your energies to focus on the basics of your relationship. And that starts with Christ!

If you guys were to do what is outlined in the link below...if you guys were to accept and do MB principles...guess what would not be going on in your home? That's right...porno! Because a loving Christian husband would not be doing that to his wife...and to God! Believe me, I have been convicted of this myself.

But you would have never gotten me to agree way back then (my wife tried to tell me but I wouldnt listen) that it was wrong. Okay, maybe a "little" wrong. [sarcasm]

But then I woke up one day and realized that all of my sins are equal. They have the same punishment. So, once I understood this...as well as understanding marriage principles outlined here...then I fully realized the damage it had been doing not only to my wife...but to me. Only then, would I entertain stopping.

So, concentrate on the basics. You two need to get back to what God designed. You need to do all of the MB principles...all of the time! Once you do that...then these other problems will disapppear.

It's a life-long process...what hurt the most FH was your implying that after three years we "ought" to have been further along than we are.

We take two steps forward, and one step back. Right now, we are in the step back stage. But I guarantee we are not the same couple we were back then.

And I will NEVER in my life be able to PROVE to anyone that I am "Christian enough". Because I never will be.

Oh, MM...I know I can't carry it for both of us, but I want to. We need to lay it Jesus' feet, together.

You are correct. Only He can carry this. You can do nothing without Him. He has told you how to lay it at His feet. Now, the only question is will the two of you do that? Will you do the things He has asked?

With His help, yes.

That is all He asks!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yep, WAY cool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Today, I thank God for God. (Can I do that?)

NOW,

I get on late in the day and so much has been said and done. I am not sure what to say. I did go back and reread your H's posts and your originial ones. You said something I thought I would bring to your attention now.
You mentioned this again today, as well that your H is not very conversational and when he is not you assume the worst. This leads me to think that perhaps there is resentment perhaps mutated a bit, but still there from the past.

Also, it suggests that you still DJ your H when he does not respond as you would wish. These DJ's will lead to false assumption, which lead to false feelings, which lead to resentment, and actions that are not well directed.

Being a guy, may I suggest that you remember several things about many guys. When we say nothing, we have nothing to say, which means our response as NO MEANING. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Simple yes?

Further, you know your H can express himself as he did on this site and in his conversation with you, but he does have trouble expressing his feeling and light conversation apparently. So IF there is an issue I am sure he will let you know. If he is feelings something, he may not let you know.

There is a book called "Men made Easy" or is it "Men for dummies" by a lady named "Oh". It is sort of a 12 step thing about dealing with men, and oddly it is actually fairly accurate but definitely written for women. In it she offers a strategy for handling guys who answer deep questions about feelings with "I don't know", "I am not sure", or with silence. She suggests that you ask questions and then just sit there until they do answer. IT will drive you crazy but she points out that often men don't talk about feelings, especially growing up, so they don't develop the speech patterns and vocabulary to easily talk about feelings, in a way that women do. Thus, it takes men longer to respond to deep questions about feelings because they sort of have to create as they go.

When you ask your H something, just ask, then just sit there until he responds. Don't ask clarifying questions, don't get up and give up, just sit there until he responds.

It seems to me the big issue in your marriage is communications, and assumptions that you make about him, that are not well founded. If I could suggest anything, reduce the assumptions.

Finally, it still seems to me that your H is still in love with you, everything he has done indicates it to me. If you are going to assume anything why don't you act on the assumption that the man loves you until told he does not. Wouldn't that help some of your esteem issues to KNOW your H loves you and has forgiven you, and is trying to be someone you can love?

Think about it, and a plan may pop into your head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HOpe something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

JL, thanks...I wanted to go back and read some of that too, hear what I sounded like. I don't know how to find my posts!

NOW,

I believe FH had a bookmark to your old posts. You can do a search for your or your H's posting name. You can do it by the year so that you don't get overwhelmed by the number of posts limited to 250 per search. Just go to the top of the page and look for search and click on that.

HOpe this helps.

God Bless,

JL