its been awhile since my last post. the w began to withdraw from me more than ever. i did some detective work and discovered a book "how to make a man love you" in her car. i also discovered that she was looking for an apartment.i confronted her about this and she stated that she was interested in another man but hasnt acted on it yet. I against better judgement told her to move, so she signed a lease. five days before the move we wnt to the marriage counselor. at the end of the session the therapist and w acted as if she wasnt going to move. two days later she said she was going through with move. for three nights prior to moving she layed in my arms and cried with me. i feel like she is leaving the door open ever so slightly for me. ive been trying plan b but i keep having set backs. i got to let go! change my behavior and be a better person.

Welcome to MB chtd. You are in the right place but have a lot of work to do. You need to start reading up on all you can about Plan A and meeting your wife’s emotional needs. Based on what your wife has said to you be prepared to find out she is further along in her involvement with an OM (other man) than she has told you. Many classic bad news signs are here.

I think you need to start snooping for some evidence. Cell phone records, computer/email records.

Learn about, and start a solid Plan A. The basic outline provided by pepperband is as follows.

“Peps” The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm, comfortable and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking and not asking for acknowledgment, approval or anything in return.

Stop all lovebusting behaviors. These include selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty.

Communicate with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remain open to the possibility of recovery.

Offer forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking of the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicate the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establish boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Stand up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.


Read, Read, Read. Plan A / Emotional Needs / Snooping / and NO Love Busting Behavior.

More help will jump in soon.

Whoa, I forgot,

DON'T LET HER LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Just read your old posts. You got a lot of good advice at that time regarding helping your betrayed wife go through her recovery from your affair. Guess that has not gone too well.

What do you want from this marriage? You two have worked pretty hard to hurt each other.

Thanks chrisner. she has already left the house and we went to counseling on tues. the counselor has been working with me to control the angry outbursts, my drinking and other love busting habits. i tried plan a in the past few months. she noticed the changes but said its too late. i think i need to leave her alone now and hope she returns. im going to start aa on tuesday not just for her but me also. i am going through alot of stuff emotionally right now ups and downs. ive been prety hard on myself for what i have done to us. i want us to be together in a caring happy relationship with children, you know the classic grow old together story. i find it hard to think of anyone else that way. she has a lot of reservations because of my past behavior (rightfully so). but even when i went outside my marriage i knew it wasnt what i wanted. I really screwed things up and i have to find a way to make things better between us.

she called me yesterday crying because her mom has cancer and is in the hospital. i just gave her words of encouragement and told her im here for her. her parents despise me so i can only really help from afar. that is one of the reasons she says it will never work between us. because of her parents refusal to talk to me. i guess i have to sit back and wait for her call.

I talked to w today and asked about her mother. she told me her condition and all, but got really short with me after i offered assistance and support. encounters like that make me think that its over for sure

You notice in your 1st posts how much she is going back and forth? That's the A and WS in her.

So make sure you stay focused for your W. Learn to tell the difference and know how to deal with your W' character vs the WS.

Before you throw in the towel!

L.

i pretty much figured out who she is interested in. this same person has tried to sabotage me by telling untruths about me because he knows our situation. the w even told me in the past that she knew what he was doing. although at the time i didnt think she was interested in him. but now i have more evidence to the contrtary. should i just let this go and wait? i guess with her situation with her mother i should just keep my mouth shut.

hey,
i think that if you keep your mouth shut, the OM will open his and give her what she needs... just a thought

Precisely.

I am in exactly your position chtd and your same age.

I think the best advice is snoop like there is no tomorrow.

Foolishly thought my WW was in recovery when the Affair was still on. Both her and the OM lied and told me the affair was over many many moons ago.

Sure enough, it went from EA to PA and now divorce is coming my way.

I began snooping two months too late and gave her all the space, financing and support she needed to enable her affair.

Do not make the same mistake.

Plan A does not mean Plan Fool.

Get informed and follow Plan A.

In my case, the OM played the same roll. Talking about me and my affair with her and sharing his own experiences while telling her how she deserved better and how long he desired to be with her.

She ate it all up even though she told me she knew he was a womanizer and was just trying to use her. She did not care. She wanted revenge.

And revenge she got. Now she is hooked and addicted and my battle is all but lost.

Good luck my friend and PRAY.

It is the only thing keeping me together.

Thats exactly what she says. I deserve better. and what i know from this OM he is a womanizer. I wonder if that has something to do with W's self esteem?

she has left the door open ever so slightly, saying things like what if i want to come back in a couple of months? and she still goes to counseling every two weeks with me. thats my only contact with her so i have to put my show on then.

I do have access to her phone records,know where she works and lives. the om also has a myspace site. i dont know if it is good for me to learn so much about him. Its kind of driving me crazy! I cant focus on anything. I have a big job interview in a few hours and I dont even care.

I think i took a step back today and the funny thing is i dont really care. i called her at work and asked her how her mom was and she was very short with me agin to the point of being rude. that fired me up so i asked if the suspected om was working. she sounded scared and said why? i told her that it was he who i suspected she has interest in. she got very angry and stated " this is done!" then said i cant believe you would bring this up while my mom is in the hospital. she was right in that regard but sometimes i cant help but to make contact. Its funny because contacts like that just make me want to move on that much more.

Well its been two days since i talked to her and i seem to be dealing with it a little better. i had a couple of moments but nothing like it was the first days after she moved out. the last conversation i had with her she expressed her displeasure in me "obsessing" over another man. she sais she thinks i do this because i feel guilty for what ive done. Does this mean that i shouldnt believe she would start seeing somebody after being separated for a while? I guess i just have to "man up" and wait it out.

I havent conacted W in about three days. im starting to think there is no hope. ive been keeping myself busy and that has helped me keep my mind off of things. the only problem is that there are so many triggers in the area that i live. i havent slept a whole night through yet and i have dreams about her every night. im going to the therapist on my own tonight so hopefully that will make me feel better. its like i need a recharge to keep my spirits up. I just wonder if she is thinking about me at all?

Well i went no contact for about three weeks. i called her to check on her mother she called back and we talked for about ten minutes. the following day i asked her to join me for coffee, she accepted. at the coffee shop she asked if i was there to talk about the relationship. i told her no and that i just wanted to bs with her because it had been a while. she brought up the fact that i had told her in anger that i never wanted to see her again. i explained that it was out of anger and i didnt mean it.we then proceeded to talk about other things like her mother (cancer) who is expected to be okay. she mentioned that she wanted grand kids for her parents to her friend and her friend had suggested that there was still a chance for me and her.so of course the conversation turned towards the relationship. and i told her that it was still salvagable. she then went to her usual " not if i dont want it to work anymore". i told her i understood what she was saying. she then began going into the "you are not going to kill me are you" mantra. I then explained that i can move on without her but i was willing to give it every effort before calling it quits and that does not include the phsycotic behavior she is afraid of.She did make some digs like saying that she likes the song "before he cheats" by Carrie Underwood(keep in mind i had the a on her) and said that marriage is a sham. I did not start getting defensive like i did in the past, i just listened. So all in all I dont think that there was anything really positive in that conversation. She did say that the reason she left was not the reason that i thought she left for (revenge affair) but because she just couldnt live with me with all the tension! I do believe her based on all the surveillance I have done that has come up with absolutely zero results. Can anyone see a silver lining in this dark cloud? Please let me know.

why are saying you are in plan b

Plan b is a letter of hope and love

with concrete steps and boundaries...
and the NO contact...

this is not plan B
nor is it plan A...

so why are you letting her dictact YOUR actions
exactly?

ark

dont know how to change subject line.
what doing mean when you say letting her dictate my actions?