OK so if you are in plan
A then you would doing everything and anything to ease her burdons...charm her socks off...and be filling her love bank....

making consistant changes in your behaviors....

and have a set date for plan B in which you write the letter removing yourself from the chaos....

what I mean by letting her dictate your actions...is that often people react to their spouses whims and flakiness rather than sticking to plan A or plan B tactics depending on where they are on THEIR agenda regardless of a spouses agenda

ARk

Before I met with her yesterday i was doing pretty well with everything, now im back in nearly the same mind set as i was when she moved out. she keeps saying that the marriage wont work if she doesnt want to try to work on things but on the other hand she wont come out and tell me that she definately wants a d. I dont knoe if i should communicate with her occasionally so she can see that im making changes or leave her alone again. I guess im really confused about which route to take. she also keeps asking me about money to help pay off her debt. i know that generally tou are not supposed to help ws out financially but i think i am in a unique situation being the fwh. im not sure wqhat to do at all really

?

what do i do when she says she doesnt want to work on the marriage anymore?

When she talks about not wanting to work on the marriage, she means it, because that means facing her own demons and mistakes, and being to BLAME for the A. This way, she is trying to force you to be the leader, take the blame and file.

If you can, do a REAL PLAN A. Give it a little time to work. Read up and work it. After some time in Plan A, go to Plan B. Going straight to Plan B could be dangerous without changing yourself, first, working on YOU is very important. Now, if you HAVE done a good plan A, then Plan B should be implemented.

Plan A is all out, all about showing changes (REAL CHANGES, no fakery here), showing love. Look at LilSis' thread when she was in plan A. She consistently stuck to her PlanA guns. THEN, after some time and no change with WH, she went to Plan B.

chtd- I can relate fully to what you're going through!

My WS is also very much in "shutdown" mode where she doesn't want to work on our marriage, and as Silent Lucidity notes, it's because she doesn't want to face the truth--hiding in the fog of her affair, and running to the arms of the OM/OW is easier.

But Ark alludes to a good point- it seems as if you've flip-flopped between Plans A & B. I'm no expert, but I would think you need to have more time in Plan A, extend every effort consistently and exhaust that track completely before going to Plan B.

well the w came over today to pick up some things, she stayed for about an hour and we talked about different things. this is the third encounter in the last two weeks where the was little or no tension. i saw the mc yesterday and he told me that the w has noticed my changes and is not sure how true they are. when the w and i talked today she told me that actions speak louder than words. i kind of take that as a sign that there might be a chance. i tried to kiss her of course and she refused. i didnt get upset though. just acted as if. she did however mention a kelly clarkson song "never again" i checked the lyrics and they werent too good.she also talked about how much she wants to have a child ( she didnt say with me though) I guess I just have too keep on going along here. does anyone think i should try to ask her to a movie or something. she moved out over a month ago and things have been pretty civil lately?

any suggestions in regards to my last post?

i talk to the w yesterday. i asked her to go to the movies with me next week. she acted as if though that was the most ridiculous thing that she had ever heard. then we went into talking about us. i kinda got caught in a weak moment and professed my love for her. she told me that she does not respect me or trust me. i just dont now how to get that back. she then told me i should start seeing other women or get a dog if i am lonely. she also said that she is okay about the speration and possible divorce when she doesnt have contact with me. on the other hand, when she came over the other day she took all the love letters i had written her over the years and our wedding album. im just pretty confused.