This is not a letter I’m proud of, but one to give a BS what to look for so they don’t fall into this situation. I’m using a different screen name for this letter and I have been here for about 1.5 years under a different name. And no…I’m not telling you who I am.

FWS and I have been together 13 years and have no kids. After my wife’s 4 month PA (I discovered and revealed) we attended MC and IC till about 9 months ago. I got off the ADs and told my IC that I need to start feeling emotions now so I can properly process what is going on in my life. He agreed and wished me well.

After about 3 months of being drug free I did come to one major conclusion in my life…I no longer loved my wife. I do not hate her, I was just no longer able to look at her with the same eyes that I once had. I enjoy my time with her, as a friend, but nothing more. I told my mother that I wanted to get a divorce and she said give it time.

In early December I had a talk with my wife explaining, again, what my needs are and how she just doesn’t put effort into anything. It was my last statement to her that made the impact – “Either you fill my needs or the next woman will.” Soon after that she was doing everything she could to fill my needs. Problem is…it was too late.

I kept asking myself, “Where was she 6 months ago when I asked her to do this? Why does she suddenly want to do it now?” I was spent emotionally and no longer found her attractive. Essentially, I cashed out.

My friends told me to play along and maybe then the old sparks would come back. I did want it to work but my heart was never in it. No matter what I tried I just couldn’t get that old feeling back. I never looked at her with disgust and thought about her A, I just couldn’t see her romantically anymore.

Fast forward to January and in starts “the new girl” at work. Yep, everyone knows the story and details are not required. I will say this, she has definitely let me know what I have been missing and feeling and what I want once again in my life.

I spoke to my friends and they asked what I was going to do. I told them that I will be getting a divorce and we will need to sell the house and go our separate ways. They know that I am not running to “her” but that I am running away from my current loveless life. I don’t know if there is a future with the new girl and myself and I do not look at her like she is my soulmate, but I will say that I enjoy feeling good again and not feeling trapped.

I have not intentions of telling my wife as I do not want any of this to work and nor does she need the additional pain that I would never wish on my enemies. Looking back on everything, I wish I had not discovered the A she had and I wish she would have just left me.

123,

I really don't know what to say... wait yes I do. If you weren't attracted to your wife you should of let her go before starting up with someone else.

Do you not remember the pain of being betrayed? This really disgusts me. At this point you are no better than she was when she had her affair.

And yes you need to be a man and tell her..... Personally I hope she takes you to the cleaners.

Still

I'm not sure what you're looking for, 123 ...advice...justification...?

We each have the choice to live with integrity....or not. Having also made the same choice that you've made, I can tell you that giving away your integrity will not ultimately be worth what you're feeling now, and it will erode your self-worth. To give up your character for "feeling good" isn't much of a trade, IMO.

I remember reading on MB recently "We each get to make our own choices, but we don't get to choose the consequences of them." Or something like that....

True, that. Good luck.

Lori

If you had hoped you hadn't found out about what she had done and wish she had just left you instead why didn't you do that. Also if you don't want her and this new OW is making you feel so alive why not leave your W and be with he so you can all be happy. Just my .02

I'm sorry to hear this 123....

Thank you for the warning. Please be careful. It won't end well for you, your wife, or the OW. You know this.

If you've been here for a year and a half, you should have NO DOUBTS about what you need to do from here. If you've been here that long, you've probably given advice on just the same kind of thing.

What else needs to be said?

Does this not sound like the epitome of wayward fog?

skummy behavior makes a person's self-esteem plummet

the "high" from this new falling-in-love chemical rush is not a replacement for character/morals/values

how can you have a successful relationship once you've dropped your core values???

congratulations, on a new low <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Why even post this? What are you looking for?

I am leaving her. Divorce was discussed last weekend.

Not looking for justification or advise. This is just a message to any BS of what can happen and what they should look for so they don't fall into the same situation. It happens and you've seen it.

Cleaners? Nah. She makes 3 times the amount I do and I'll go for alimony if she wants to play that game.

Why didn't you leave before you cheated?

WOW...you ARE deep in the fog. I'm just sitting here flabbergasted that someone who's been here 1.5 years would have the (whatever) to come here and post something like this.

You're not warning anyone of anything. Everyone knows the risk. Even you did...but you did it anyway.

Nope...no point to this thread. Hasta...

It's not a fall, dude, it's a CHOICE.

Lori

OWL .... Do you want chili fries with this?

Pep

Pep...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As I said, I cashed out a while ago. Divorce papers were drawn up before I met the girl, but I didn't have the finances at the moment so I had to wait a few months before I could file. Now that my finances are in order I'm moving on with my life.

who isn't?

Owl

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

123,

Now you know what the fog is like. I'm sure this is the exact same thought process that your WW was going through when she started her A, only it wasn't that she "couldn't get over the A," but rather, "my H neglects me." If it were so bad, you should have left BEFORE the OW.

Here is the deal. You don't have any loving feelings left toward your FWW because you don't work to fill her ENs. Part of falling in love is the feeling you get from GIVING to the OP. You don't love her because you haven't GIVEN to her since the A because you have been afraid to make yourself vulnerable since then. You should know that you CAN love her again, but you CHOOSE not to.

If you do get a D, do yourself a favor and DO NOT START a relationship with this OW, even after you D. It is doomed for failure and will only wind up hurting you, your FWW, and OW. You will betray all your values, and others (like us) will look upon you with disgust. Afterall, you know how sh!tty this is and now you are going to do it to another person? Don't forget that this OW is a POS for pursuing a married man, and would probably cheat on you in the future based on her demonstrated low moral standards.

Don't let yourself fall into the gutter. You made a commitment to your W and to GOD to love and cherish each other FOREVER, not just when times are good. You should know that As generally take at least two years to heal from, so now you have set yourself back with these shenanigans. If you were not getting your needs met, you should have taken a firmer stance earlier and she would have started meeting your needs. Now you need to get out of the fog and start meeting hers.

Let me tell you, I have urges and a constant internal struggle all the time not to become wayward myself. I haven't had SF with my W in about 7.5 months. I have found myself in situations where I probably could have gotten SF from another person if I would have tried (and I didn't even go seeking it out). Get your act together. You make me sick.

Is this a warning to BSs or to FWSs??? I would say both. The pain of an A affects both the BS and WS, and you just doubled it! This makes me so sad. I hope your W recognizes your symptoms and slaps you the heck out of it. All you are doing is trying to boost your ego with a new toy rather than work hard on your M. And the comment about alimony!?! What an a**hole statement ... you are in some serious fog.

You must be crying out for some kind of help to post this on here ... maybe you don't want to lose your M after all??