123,
After about 3 months of being drug free I did come to one major conclusion in my life…I no longer loved my wife. I do not hate her, I was just no longer able to look at her with the same eyes that I once had. I enjoy my time with her, as a friend, but nothing more. I told my mother that I wanted to get a divorce and she said give it time.
Affairs begin when one person in a marriage begins to feel a sense of entitlement. You already know this. This is where I think your sense of entitlement got a hold of you. The whole... I'm not in love with her anymore... I just feel like she's a friend nothing more. The deadly precursor to an A words... not unique. You know this too already. This is the space you have to get to in your mind so that you will be able to justify your right to have an affair. You know this.
In early December I had a talk with my wife explaining, again, what my needs are and how she just doesn’t put effort into anything. It was my last statement to her that made the impact – “Either you fill my needs or the next woman will.” Soon after that she was doing everything she could to fill my needs. Problem is…it was too late.
So you told her and then she busted her tail to try to meet your needs but it was too late for you? You say that you aren't angry about her A anymore but it seems to me you are. This was a threat... a set up. If you don't start meeting my needs I will find someone who will. But you aren't harboring any anger? When she did what you asked and started doing everything she could to meet your needs... you then said too little too late. Seems to me that resentment toward your wife (anger turned inward)didn't allow any room for the deposit to make it to your love bank. This isn't really all that uncommon. I am sure if you have been here for a year and a half that you are familar with the recovery timeline. If you aren't you might want to do a search and look at the recovery timeline for the BS.
It seems to me that at about the time you went off your AD meds would have been about 9 months into your recovery which is roughly the time the "anger" about the A really sets in. In the beginning you are devastated... hurt... terrified etc. Some people don't allow themselves to feel the depth of their own anger about the A until they feel safer that their partner isn't going to leave them. This isn't uncommon and again you probably already know this too.
Please understand I am in no way trying to be condecending here... I just want you to look at the possibility of what might be going on. You went off your meds and started processing your feelings... you're in the timeline piece where anger sets in. Maybe you didn't even realize that what you were feeling was anger. If we don't express to our partners that we feel angry about the A (and many people don't share that with their partner) then the anger gets turned inward and it becomes resentment. Resentment unchecked is fuel for entitlement.
That statement about if you don't start meeting my needs the next woman will... is full of resentment IMHO. Then when she did try she ran into a brick wall. The resentment from her not meeting your needs 6 months ago... sounds angry too. She hurt you and then she didn't "get" it and then she didn't work on what you wanted her to work on. It seems reasonable that you would have felt angry.
When your WW had her A she most likely felt her needs weren't being met, felt resentful, got herself into entitlement mode etc. Maybe she is just now getting it. I know it isn't "fair". But this is your wife of 13 years.
It was only a month after you threatened your wife with meet my needs or the next woman will that "new girl" entered the picture... about a month is that right? I think you are angry and resentful and that it built within you a sense of entitlement.
Of course "new girl" makes you feel like you have found what you are missing and what you want in your life again. And your love bank account is wide open to take deposits from her... you are allowing her to meet your EN's. The ones you told your wife she wasn't meeting and is now trying to meet but can't because someone else is.
She isn't special... new girl. She just makes YOU feel special. Nothing new about this either. You already know this. She is now meeting your EN's because you are letting her. It's a choice to let her. You have a choice to stop letting her. You are not even giving your wife a chance because unless and until you STOP your A the OW will continue to be the one to meet your EN's. How far into this A are you? Is it an EA right now or has it progressed to a PA? Either way it is like a drug. You become addicted to the way the OW makes you feel. This won't last... the newness phase.
If you D your wife and wind up with this OW... start a life with her... start paying a mortgage, dealing with the day to day life issues... etc. they honeymoon phase will END. You already know this too.
Don't think I can't understand. I married my AP. 11 years later he cheated on me. I was blindsighted. Don't think it can't happen to you because the chances are very high that one of you will cheat. It took me awhile here to get this... if you start a R out this way both people in the R have allowed themselves the permission of entitlement. Your OW... has shown you already that she is willing to have an A with a MM. You have already shown her that you are willing to cheat on your wife.
I deluded myself into believing this couldn't happen to me. I didn't understand why A's happen. Neither my H nor I understood entitlement. So when the newness of our R wore off and eventually neither one of us were doing a good job at all of meeting each other's needs... my H did what had worked for him before... he let someone else start meeting his EN's and it felt good. He felt wanted, needed, attractive... again. He missed all the warning signs because neither one of us ever thought this could actually happen to us. We lived in the fog for years believing that we would live happily ever after.
I really believed this could never happen to us. Of course it could happen to us... but since neither of us had done any of the work to figure out why our first marriages failed and had falsely believed it was about our partners not meeting our needs... and that all of a sudden we had found "what was missing in our lives" we were just a train wreck waiting to happen. We didn't have any skill because we didn't understand the concept of EN's... because in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship everything the OP seems to be doing meets your needs. It's not real life. It's affair fantasy... but you don't see it because the FOG is so thick that you really believe that this OP is the answer to all of what has been missing in your life.
You say you don't want to tell your wife because you don't want any of it to work out and you don't want to cause her any additional pain... the kind you wouldn't wish on your enemies. Is it possible that you don't want to tell her because then it would mean that you would have to admit to her and yourself... that you have betrayed her in the same devastating way she betrayed you? It'll make you come out looking better in the divorce because of course... she cheated... you tried to work it out and then before you ever really gave it a chance (after she began desperately trying to meet your EN's and you said nope too late I have already found someone else who does a much better job at it... all fantasy fog speak but again you already know that too.) then those around you won't know the truth. They'll think hey... he tried and he just couldn't make it work.
How about exposing your own A to your parents, your wife, your friends... etc. and see what they have to say about it. You aren't not telling your wife to protect her... your not telling her to protect YOU. This way you don't have to feel guilty about causing as much pain to her as she did to you. Own that choice because what you are doing is a choice. Not telling her is a choice. Having an A with new girl is a choice. Leaving your wife is YOUR choice.
Yes, she had an A but she chose you. She ended her A and recommitted to you. The recovery process is really hard work. How can you give your M a chance if you are now actively involved in an A? You can't. Fine I get it you don't want your M... or at least you don't think you do. I don't believe that you are telling this story to warn other BS. I think you are telling us this because you know what you are doing is wrong and you are screaming for help.
If you're done with your M... fine get a divorce but do yourself a huge favor and end it with new girl. Give yourself a year to work on yourself and figure out what you want and what your needs are. Right now new girl is meeting a need for you to feel that "in love" feeling again that you don't feel with your wife right now. Everything feels right with her because none of it is REAL.
How about ending it with her... and just not make a decision about divorce for a year. Work on you. What you can do to make yourself more whole and happy... not what another person can do to make you feel that way but what you can do. How long has it been since you tried to meet your wife's EN's? Resentment keeps us stuck. It is about blaming the other person in your life for not making you happy. No other person can make us happy. You can not truly feel good about yourself right now knowing you are committing adultery. You can certainly feel entitled to it... but YOU know it's wrong. You knew it was wrong when your wife did it and you know it is wrong now.
Show your wife at least the courtesy of admitting that you have lost your own self respect, have lowered yourself to this kind of behavior, and are now envolved in a revenge affair. The fog makes it hard for you to see that this is a revenge affair.
You say at the end of your post that you wish she had just left you... is that how you felt when you found out about her A or is that the way you feel now that you are involved in your own A. You are now inadvertanly blaming her for your affair. If she just would have left me then... then I wouldn't be in the situation I am in now... I'd be divorced and I wouldn't be committing adultery now. Right back to entitlement.
Why not just tell us who you are... do you think you are the only MBer who ever had a revenge affair. There are experts here who can help you. Even if the end result is that you wind up getting a divorce why not at least find your integrity again. You have lost your way. You know that.
You also know that one of the first things the veterans of MB warn newly BS's about is their own risk for an A.
Maybe you are a troll I don't know... doesn't matter to me if I wasted my time if you are... because if you aren't then perhaps you will see how you have lost your way. I run a huge personal risk for being smacked by 2x4's for even posting to you considering I am probably the last person here who should be giving advice... but I can tell you that the course you are on is a train wreck.
