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#1849 08/17/99 10:02 AM
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 88
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After a five month affair and then 3 1/2 months of Plan A, this weekend my W said she is still not happy. I was shocked. We seemed to be getting along so well. I'm not sure i can take this anymore. She doesn't know whether she wants a separation (with no boundaries) or a divorce. <P>As i understand separations, they should be used as a tool to either restore the marriage, or teach the partners that there's no hope. I think my W just wants to "be free" for a awhile and see if she can make it on her own. I'm afraid that will just allow me more time to continue to have false hopes, and i'm not sure i'm up to it. I'm getting advice to go ahead and divorce her and start the healing process FOR ME. <P>I know a little about Plan B, but does it work like a structured separation? Or, is it just a "go away and don't contact me until you're ready to work on us" type thing?<P>My wife is seeing a counselor "to work on herself", but it just seems to have empowered her to feel like she needs to experience freedom from me. She went from living with her mom to being married to me and now feels she missed out on having a life of her own. I now realize that my behavior changes have had little to no impact on this desire of hers. <P>Any advise would be welcome. I'm seeing a counselor, but this pain is so intense it often overwhelms me. I am angry at her for what she is doing to me, but even more for what she is going to do to our girls of 9 and 3. Her selfishness is just unbelievable. <P>Help!

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I'm sorry for your pain, I know all to well how you feel. I don't have any answers for you right now. I'm going through an emotional hell of my own today. I myself found that I was kind of relieved when he left and for the most part still glad he is gone. I don't want him home anymore until he is ready to commit to us. It still doesn't take away the pain or the rejection you feel. I think only time will do that if you stay together or not. I guess I have heard that if you love something let it go if it were meant to be it will come back to you, if not it was never meant to be. I and the others here who frequent this forum are here to lend an ear whenever you need us.<P>Jill

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I'm in the same boat, wife's in a 3 year affair and wants out... she's not rushing divorce but wants to "be with him" and "know for sure"... there is nothing I can do but let her go.<P>As i understand Plan B, you have only the communication that the law requires, ie if there are kids involved and you MUST communicate with your spouse... it's VERY risky but all of us have been pigheaded enough to "learn the hard way". It's just with these affairs several people learn a VERY HARD lesson the "hard way".

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Thanks for the responses.<P>I'm trying to walk a fine line between disconnecting from her emotionally yet not coming across as lovebusting. <P>Kisses that were given at bedtime are a thing of the past. There will not likely be anymore "dates" initiated by me. I guess you could characterize my tone as friendly but businesslike. I've been paying almost 100% of the household bills and now i find out she's been saving her $$ for lawyer fees. Hello. <P>With her decision made to separate she has had a burden lifted and now is treating me with such kindness it's hard to adopt my "touch love" tone. She has the perception that i have a problem with my temper and now i'm afraid her warped view of things is going to see me as just being mean. <P>I've told her to expect me to begin distancing from her a little simply to preserve my sanity. She says she understands, but i'm not so sure. <P>I'm at a loss. Being a person of faith i'm simply going to let God handle this. I know he will take care of me and the kids and i'm sure he's busy working on my W. <P>Again, thanks to all for your insight.


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