Received a phone call yesterday afternoon. DD is getting a nomination to West Point. She had about given up hope and was worrying about her other college applications. However, our congressman's office said that West Point called him and requested that he nominate her.

Congratulations again.

I think many of us fear that our children will be negatively influenced by the divorce, and won't be able to succeed in life. Yours is a prime example.

A friend at work has 4 children. The oldest two are in honors college, one with a 4.0. Our children have the ability, and it is our responsibility to give them the tools to succeed.

FB, you must be very proud. They won't even nominate someone if there isn't a very high likelihood of acceptance. The 4.0 student above looked at Annapolis, but the preliminary physical found back (muscle) problems so they discouraged her from even applying.

where divorce hurts kids is not in the professional career or educational or academic sense, but in the future when making permanent relationship judgments and commitments . . .

source is a study taht i forget where but i listened to the discussion about the research findings. . .

don't kid yourself, divorce can have long term influences, some good and some bad. ..

wiftty

i would agree that the effects of divorce COULD show up later in life when one goes to be in a serious relationship. let's face it, our map, our models, are our parents. that is what we learn from. i had a TERRIBLE map to follow. my parents lived in separate bedrooms for a few years and lived independently of each other. my mother raised me (i am sure because of the unhappy marriage she was in) to be very independent and not to depend on a man. well, i brought that right into my marriage. i can see now what i did and how it was wrong. but i lived my own life in my marriage, made decision without consulting him, expected to be married yet still live independently. and why not? my parents did. boy do i see now how wrong that thinking was, but i modeled what i saw.

that is why i am NOT in any way opposed to people dating and remarrying after divorce. i wish my parents had divorced when i was much younger instead of when i was almost out of the house. my mother has a very happy marriage now. had she remarried when i was much younger i could have seen what a marriage was SUPPOSED to look like and probably not have followed the wrong map in my own.

my children were just turning 8 when my ex left and we finally ended the marriage. i believe there is still hope for them to see what a good marriage and relationship are supposed to look like. that is my responsibility to show them. they were old enuff for me to talk to and explain that the kind of marriage their dad and i had was not how it was supposed to be, and yet young enough to see and learn how a good one is supposed to be.

divorce does not effect every child the same that is for sure. and some kids go on to be very successful in business and in marriage. some just choose to do the opposite of what they grew up with.

fb, congratulations on your daughter! i see great potential for my children as well (of course!) and after a year of counseling for them, i see them finally being on a good and healthy path.

mlhb

WIFFTY, sometimes - particularly on this board - we need to focus on the positives.
I hope all our children are as successful as FBwidows. I don't want people here to think that staying in a bad marriage is better than divorce - and for some of us it wasn't even an option. I believe it is up to the parents to model good behavior. Children will learn from their parents.
My DD9 said this morning "daddy hates your guts" (a factual statement - not said in anger). She knows this, and she needs to deal with this. Do you think she's going to have problems? Yes, but can she grow to be a successful, emotionally healthy person? I will do all I can to help that along. Her counselor says she will learn from both the good and the bad behavior.

We need to cheer the accomplishments.

Divorce is tough on kids and I don't mean to minimalize that. However, I don't believe jibberish you hear today about a person's childhood "making" them do something bad. We all have choices. As divorced parents, it's sometimes harder to show our children the good choices and protect them from seeing bad examples. They often grow up much faster than they ought to. I often wish my daughter would be more of a kid. I'm very aware that, unlike most teenage girls, she is focused on a career rather than dating. My point was to brag a little and give others a little encouragement. There will be issues to deal with but our children can thrive.

its not about good or bad, and its not about generalizing to feel good, and one of the problems with people that don't have harmonious marriages is that they live with unrealistic expectations that today's cultural expectations are the same as they grew up with. . .

emotional education is the key, so that whatever incorrect conclusions are learned implicitly through the divorcing experience can be corrected and improved so that the past does not repeat itself with bad choices.

And as in agreement with mlhb, my X told me, and i remember where she was sitting, and where i was sitting, that we had to get divorced because her parents should have divorced. Now this statement is a sign that she either is out of touch with reality, or is trying to overcome a childhood belief, or can't separate herself emotionally from her parents, and sees her life through her parent's life. . (which the latter is the more believable answer. . as she follows her parent's beliefs without question)

also, many are led to believe that your family of origin is the only way to be a family, more later. . .

wiftty

which is why many people come here to realize that LBs and EN are very, very important, and are unique to each marriage and spouse, not generalized by gender. . .

My oldest son will go to college next year, and one book that i am packing away for him to read is, "If the Buddha dated," because it gives practical tips to a boy that has a class of 30 girls. . . most of whom he doesn't like. . .

so that he can learn how to date properly, and hopefully make a good marriage decision. . . then i will try to get them both to pre marriage harley group to understand what NOT to do in a marriage. . sot that they can start with a good foundation, and not have to learn by trial and BIG errors. . .

wiftty

Yes, whiftty, I agree 100% with you about emotional education. My counselor made the point that the boys are fortunate to have a mother who is emotionally open & will discuss whatever with them. This, as opposed to their father, who lacks emotional self awareness & the ability for emotional intimacy, much less the ability to help his sons with their emotional lives.

I'm proud to say my boys have an emotional vocabulary & work on understanding themselves & others. Not always easy for boys.