Today she called me at my office to announce that she was done. Done with our marriage, done with our life together, done with our family.

And for once, I think I agree. I’m done too. I’m tired, I’m weary… I HAVE TRIED!!!!


[*] Respect - she complains I don’t give her respect

• I don’t complain when she has taken all kinds of time off making no money in her “business”, yet spending away diving us deeper into debt.
  
• The little things in life, like when she is constantly losing things and blaming the entire world for it…I say nothing out of respect.
  
• I find myself doing more than my fair share of household chores nowadays…I say nothing. Out of respect, and out of weakness.
  

[*]Happiness?

• You say you haven’t been happy in a long time. Define a “long time.” Have you EVER been happy?
  
• Is that my fault?
  
• Do you DEPEND on me to MAKE you happy? Personally, I can be happy on my own, and don’t depend on you to MAKE me happy at all. It takes real strength to find happiness in a stressful situation that life is.

[*]Consideration

• I clean the house every day.
  
• I come home from work most every day to take care of things around the house to try to make life easier. I know that you no longer even care to notice it.
  
• I help with disciplining the kids. I know that of the two of us, I’m the “pushover” but I do try. I want to be there, and I do help. Is it my fault that I am different? Or is it your fault that you are intolerant of my difference from you?

Contrary to what you may believe, I do think about our life together. I think about it alot, maybe even too much. I know that this life cannot continue the way that it is now.

I cannot let you continue to yell at me in front of my children, showing them that it is alright to disrepect their father this way. I’d rather be dead than to let you show them that I am weak. They need so much more than this.

So if you want a divorce, fine. It’s your responsibility to pull the trigger on that one, sweetheart.

I know what I have to do, and that’s to work to make myself a better person…every day. To make myself a person that my children can look up to. A person they can be proud to call Dad. A person that they love and know loves them back, without a single string attached.

If this divorce finally happens, the only gift it brings to me is the gift of finally knowing where I stand. Finally having the peace of mind that this particular stage of my life is coming to an end. No longer having to worry about “coming home to an empty house.” No longer worrying about where my kids will be.

The threats will cease. My entitlements will be spelled out in black and white.

And I can finally move on knowing that I am no longer sleeping with the “enemy.” The person that has given up on me, when I never gave up on them. NEVER! I never stopped believing in you! I know I’m not a perfect being, because none of us is. But I never stopped believing in you, in everything you’ve tried to be…I’ve been there, cheeering you on.

And now YOU’RE done? Again? Well this makes two of us.

and?

Insyder:

If you were to give her this post of yours, what do you think would happen?

I guess you can say I'm venting here.

I feel I've been working so hard at this marriage. And the only "work" I see from her is providing "motivation" in the form of threats.

The sweeping generalizations of "unhappiness" and frustration she talks about sometimes baffles me. Is she truly this unhappy? Does she even consider that if she is this unhappy, that I may be just as unhappy as a result?

I've changed some of my behaviors, I've changed my attitudes. In return, I get threats. It's hurting my mental health. It's all but destroyed my self esteem.

I have it in me to keep going. To keep trying. To make things better. To try and build this marriage into something better, all by myself.

What so hard for me to understand is why is it that almost ALL of the "changing" that needs to happen is on my end? Is there nothing that she must do to change and help make this a better marriage?

So what did you tell your wife? Did you tell her what you vented here?

To be honest... I doubt she'd even read it.

I haven't had a voice in this marriage in a long time.

When I try to communicate my feelings... I'm told that I'm "acting like a little broad." "Throwing myself a pity party." (All her words)

When I try to communicate my issues, my pain my complaints are turned around and the conversation is converted to a discussion of why our problems are MY fault.

It's really difficult to cope with!

The biggest thing that I am thankful for is that I've found the strength to learn to better cope with this all. At one time I wrestled with DAILY bouts of contemplating suicide because of this insanity. I've learned that this is not the answer, becuase my kids WILL NEED ME.

But this entire thing is driving me crazy!!!!

I don't know how long it's been since D-day. How long do you consider yourself to have been in Plan A? Has she said anything about divorce? Please give us a few more details, pardner.

I'm still not up to speed on terminology, but if D-Day means the day she threatened divorce. That day has come many many times.

I consider myself in Plan A for at six months to a year now. The problem is that when things start getting "better" I tend to get complacent, feeling that I have been accepted.. obviously, leading to me making love buster type actions. I do see myself, and I acknowledge my faults.

The problem I've had through this entire process is that it seems the weight has been all on me. I read the books, I suggest MC, which she vehementally resists, I make the efforts to be considerate, caring, and in touch. All the while she appears indifferent and unwilling to pull any weight.

Yet she'll profess that "after this divorce, I know I can look in the mirror and know that I tried."

I often wonder just how she is trying! By working to force me into a mold of what she needs? Is there a time where my needs are met in at least the most minimal manner?

All I want is a chance to be heard. I'm coming to think that if she is unwilling to hear me, then there is no point in continuing pursuing her. This, to regain my own sanity and self worth once again.

I do have one direct question in this:


While my situation does not pertain to infidelity, I've gone the path of Plan A/B as I think it will fit.

The plans talk about exposure of extra marital affairs.

My wife has expressed that she want's me to remain discreet about our failing marriage while we are "in the process" of divorce and to not speak of it until finalized. Not to speak to anyone for support, guidance, etc.

She obviously feels embarrassed. I obviously don't, because I know that people have problems and I'm not even ashamed to show the world my own faults if it can hopefully make things better.

Is this desired discretion something I should be concerned about? Does she have the right to try and control my communication with others? It's an obvious love buster to act against her wishes, I understand. But if committing this love buster can save the marriage, wouldn't it be worth it?

insyder,

Appeasement NEVER .......


EVER



NEVER


...........WORKS



NEVER

Please explain...maybe I'm stupid, but I need clarity.

It's a VERY cloudy time for me right now.

Is she having an affair?

no.


To be quite honest, I feel she is a bit mentally unstable.

She has to take Dostinex to combat a brain tumor she has. Lots of hormonal imbalance.

Last week, she talked about how she would like to have a third child with me. This week, she's "done."


I've really had it folks.. I really wish I had the wisdom to know what to do.

Have you discusse her behavior with her doctor? That is what I would do.

She also has a family and personal history of anxiety.

Her father is medicated for it. She has an appointment with behavioral therapy on Monday to see about medication.

Hopefully she will get some meds and feel better. It sounds like this has been going on for awhile. Do you have some support?

Nope, no support.

I (we) have been estranged from my own parents. This I did in order to stand by my wife's side and respect her as my wife. So if we don't work out, my only choice is to grovel back to my parent one day.

I stand on my own, except for my best friend(our best man at my wedding).

Well, she saw this thread. Looked at the history on this computer, read it and confronted me about it last night before going to bed.

She was very angry about my comments about mental instability and the fact that I am sharing our (my side) of our story with other people.

She felt disrespected by my actions and words, and I'm beginning to understand her point of view.

All she ever wanted was to be loved by a man that viewed her as his equal. Without condition, without judgement.

I've been arrogant, judgmental and looked down on her over the years. I didn't listen to her cries for change. I didn't change enough.

It's probably over..and I'm going crazy.

I love her with everything I have, but I haven't proved it with my actions.

Did it help her to see your side of it at all, though - to see what you're going through? It seems like now you're completely backtracking on everything you said before - and that can't be the truth either. The truth must be somewhere in the middle...