Another post in the EN section got me on this rant. I have to speak my peace about this.
The poster's spouse has made the comment, "I don't know why I do it" and someone reponded to her that maybe he doesn't "feel safe" to tell the truth.
Here's what I have to say about that to everyone with this problem:
I'm getting ready to rock the boat here.
Quote:
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They usually have an idea of their reason--but say, "I don't know why I do it" because it is not safe for them to share their reason.
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IMO, and in my experience, this is nothing but a justification to lie. There could be different scenarios played out in this dance.
Try to think of the phrase, "The truth will set you free". If you tell the truth and it hurts the other party, see how the other party is handling the hurt.
Some examples:
If the party receiving the truth is hurt by it and does not have any kind of angry outburst, says no DJs, makes no SDs, do you think this party deserves to be lied to the next time? My guess is no. But alot of times what can happen is the one who told the truth can't handle the idea the other party was hurt. So, what do they do? They lie the next time to avoid it all under the justification of it not "feeling safe" for them to tell the truth.
Another scenario.....the party hears the truth, gets hurt and if they feel they have been wronged (whether they perceived they were or not, or hurt intentionally or not) they get angry too. Now here you have to remember what the bible says about, "Be ye angry and sin not". So still, it's o.k. for this injured party to feel hurt and angry, as long as there are no LB's, again.....do you think this person deserves the truth next time? I'm guessing they do. And again, the one hurting the other party may not "feel safe" to tell the truth next time because they can't handle the hurt party's reaction for whatever reason.
When people don't "feel safe" to tell the truth, it's usually for several different reasons. It could be that the truth they told seriously hurt the other party and they feel guilty or ashamed because what they did was wrong. They may not be able to handle the emotions this causes on both parties so they feel safer lying about their shortcomings next time.
When they feel "safer" lying to avoid any kind of negative reaction (which is fortune telling btw) they set the injured party up big time. When the injured party finds out they've been lied to, it'll usually provokes an angry response. Giving the liar more fuel and entitlement for the next lies.
Now, it's true that the injured party must try to control all LB's at all times. VERY HARD to do when you're talking about the kind of hurt and betrayal we have to deal with on this forum. The hurt party should seek counseling to help deal with their emotions better. And try to be a little understanding of a BS, how would you expect the same BS spouse to react to a rapist they had to live with. Hmmmmmmm....
If the injured party (the one getting the truth) cannot handle their emotions after counseling, AND the other party is not engaging in wayward thinking and behaviors and being completely honest with himself/herself and to the hurt party, well then.....they have the choice to leave.
It is not o.k. to justify lying because of someone else’s reaction, period.
When a person does feel justified in lying for whatever reason, they are setting the marriage up to fail. You cannot achieve true intimacy under these conditions. Marriage counseling and individual counseling is in order here for both parties to deal with their own stuff and learn how to communicate effectively and honestly in the marriage. Anything else is settling for heartbreak and no peace, IMO.
