My siblings and I were just recently stunned by the revelation of our dad's esophogeal cancer. It has spread to his lungs and the doctors don't hold out much hope. They are basically just putting in a stint to hold his throat open enough to still eat and drink.

I'm overwhelmed with sorrow and regret over the lost years of not having a close relationship with him. My brothers, sisters and I always thought there would be time to build that later.

My fwh has been doing so well in his committment to our marraige and with NC, but he is having a hard time dealing with my overwhelming sadness right now. I also am feeling the urgency of not wasting life or time with my family. We've been separated for awhile now and had agreed to a time frame of six months to work into moving back in together. But with all this happening I have felt like I wanted to do so immediately. He didn't cope with this info well and it turned into a fight. Like I said, I don't think he knows how to deal with the intensity of my feelings right now, but he also felt like I was "going back" on our aggreement to do this right, not jumping into anything and making it worse.

I don't know what to think about all this.

I am very sorry to hear about your father. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It doesn't sound like your H wants to commit your marriage at this time. Seperations are absolutely terrible for marriages and only increase the risk of divorce. Why did y'all seperate? Is he having an affair?

(((FIL)))

Oh my dear, I wish I could truly hug you right now. I do share your pain, but in a different way.

Please don't waste any more time on regret for the time you don't have with your dad. You still have time. Send him a "living flower". Write him a letter telling him the things you remember about him from your childhood-maybe family vacations, the things you realize now as an adult that he was doing for you and your siblings, in his own way (even if it wasn't maybe the best way). Write to him what he means to you right now. Let him know.

My Uncle Johnny-the first man besides my dad that I fell in love with-was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer right about the time I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Ironically he was a breast cancer surgeon. He took time to talk with me about my choices and recommended the oncologist I am now seeing. I wrote him a letter.

This was also the first man who crushed me with his choices.
When I was in middle school, this former medical missionary began having a series of A's and finally, when my DD21 was a baby, divorced my aunt to marry one of them. In spite of that, I was able to recall his wonderful campfire stories, his songs with my mom and aunt (old Gene Autry and Hank Williams songs) and even his care for me during my medical crisis.

He died last month, and because of my treatments, I was too weak to go to his memorial. But I know he had received my heart in that letter.

Also, go to the American Cancer Society webpage. They have tons of resources for family members and caregivers, not just patients.

I would also tell you to find an IC who deals with issues of grief and loss. Not just the impending loss of your dad, but those lost years.

Your FWH is overwhelmed because things are fragile between you and men tend to want to "fix" things. He was just starting to work on fixing your M and now here's this huge thing that he can't even begin to fix. The fight was just a way to deflect that. I would not push things too fast now because of this news. It is overwhelming for you and he can't be there for you-which makes him feel like a failure.

Let him figure out what kind of support he can be. Find support for this journey from others who have been down this road (ACS and support groups) and someone who can help you on this path (IC). Invite your siblings.

Email me if you need to talk. I'm not sure what help I can be, but I am a safe place to vent.

You will be in my prayers.

(((FIL))) I am sorry you are going through this. I suggest you take time to make some peace with your dad and be sure he knows you do love him. My dad died when I was 28. I never had a good relationship with him and regret that to this very day. I did come to understand what was going on between us and find peace in my heart.

JT, I am sorry for your loss, too. Just to let you know - while it won't help you - I am training to walk the Country Music Half Marathon as a member of Team in Training which is a fund-raising program of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I am walking in honor of a man with whom I work. David has battled lymphoma for several years.

cinderella

That is soooo cool. I will be doing the Danskin Triathlon this year as a survivor with my dear friend Tory. I trained her in learning to swim in open water for her first Danskin three years ago. She put my name on her number last year when she did it (1 week before my surgery).

It means a lot.