I've been lurking since D-day, and I finally have decided to share my story.
WH and I have been married since 7/04, no kids.
WH is an officer in the Reserves. He was deployed to Iraq in 3/06. While over there, developed a friendship with female enlisted person whom he worked closely with. Due to the loss of a member in their unit, I actually met her husband when I went to the funeral--they were from the same area. (They live almost 500 miles away from us.)
Upon his return in 10/06, he was very distant. We spouses had been told all about Combat Stress and the effects it has on the soldiers. He was a classic case--trouble sleeping, wanted to be alone, didn't want to talk, didn't want any intimacy, jumpy, easily agitated, etc. I knew that he remained in contact with her, but figured that they were just "war buddies." I wasn't comfortable with their relationship (calling/emailing often, him going to see her after being home less than a month), but I felt horrible for being "jealous." After all, who was I to say he couldn't be friends with her? They had been together in a highly stressful life and death situation--they needed each other for support.
About a month after he got home, he hit me with the ol' "maybe we should separate--I love you as a friend but that's about it." I figured it was just him suffering from Combat Stress. He did agree to MC. We went for a few weeks, and did manage to get some stuff out in the open regarding our misperceptions of our relationship.
Well in 12/06, WH admitted that he was in love with OW. Their affair had become physical upon their return back to the US. They were even so bold as to screw around in her house when he went down to visit her (when her husband was gone.)
WH told me because OWH had found their emails, hence his disclosure because he felt that "he should be the one to tell me." Yeah, thanks for that.
What makes the situation even more interesting is that they are violating military regulations on two counts--they are committing adultery, and also fraternization because he is an officer and she is enlisted. He knows that he could very well lose his commission or even be sent to the brig for this affair, but it continues. And he's left quite a paper trail, so establishing the affair actually took place won't be difficult. (He also told two fellow officers about it.)
I'm sure people are wondering why I don't just alert the command. Well, who wants to send their spouse to jail? This isn't normal exposure where the WS is angry for a while.
He has said that the reason for the affair is that he "just wanted to feel loved," because in his mind I didn't love him anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
WH is adopted. While he was deployed, I did some reading up on the effects of adoption on people. Many of them feel unlovable. Since the one person that was supposed to unconditionally love them abandoned them, they aren't worthy of being loved.
Right now WH says that he feels "broken." He's dealing with returning from a deployment, and the typical adjustments and feelings it brings. He's gone back to work but has had a difficult time feeling like what he does matters, given what is going on back in Iraq. His boss has become a whacko and is making life difficult for him, so his job is a major stressor. He's still having an affair. And he is trying to find his sense of self.
He got an apartment a few weeks ago to get some space to think things through.
We happen to work together, so I still seem him fairly regularly. We usually take a break together once a day, and often go out to eat together. We don't talk about the affair, because it really doesn't do any good. I am trying to be supportive, but I'm getting tired.
We no longer do MC, but instead see the counselor individually.
He has not brought up divorce. However I know that at one point he expressed his desire to leave me to marry OW.
OWH was enraged by the discovery, and went out and got divorce papers. However he didn't really want a divorce. I urged him to try to work it out with her. He told me that he asked her "what would it take for us to work things out?" Her reply was "what makes you think I want to?" OWH is devastated and doesn't want to try any more. OW was actually surprised when they were filling out the papers and he said that she needed to be the petitioner. He said "I don't want a divorce, but you don't want to work on things." I haven't spoken to him in quite some time, so I don't know what's going on. I do know that he moved out and moved to another city.
BTW, this is OW's second marriage.
I've been trying to Plan A as best as possible. I have been considering Plan B, but I just don't know how WH will view that in light of his abandonment issues. It would be me leaving him.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
