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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 18
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 18 |
Long time lurker, first time asking a question. My story I know that my WH has been going to see OW on the weekends when he claims that he is at his apartment. He has been flat out lying to me. The whole reasong for him to have this apartment is so that he can have space to "think things through." I guess it really means a way for him to see her more often without me knowing. Should I tell him I know? I'm not sure how something like that fits in with Plan A. If I should tell him, how? Just come out and say "I know that you've been lying to me and have been seeing OW"? When do I tell him? How? Where? Sorry for the stupid questions, but I've come to the point where I just don't know what or how to talk to him any more without setting him off.
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138 |
you're not supposed to love bust but the longer he believes the A is a secret, the longer it will last
i would find a way to let him know without lovebusting
ex: it hurts me that you are seeing OW when you told me that you wanted time away to think
wait to hear from others before doing anything though cause i'm no expert
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093 |
Kama,
I agree that you should let him know.
The "I need space to think" is code for "I want my cake and eat it too".
If you don't let him know, then he goes on his merry way believing in his fantasy and the affair continues. If you want to save your marriage, you need to do what you can to stop the affair. That includes letting him know that it hurts you. The pain it causes you is a consequence of his behavior, and he needs to pay those consequences.
JMHO.
SB
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873 |
Kama,
I agree with SB.....
By your not letting him know how painful this is...the lying...seeing OW....you are in fact 'enabling' the A..... by 'protecting' WS from the consequences of his choices....
You can't stop your WS from choosing OW.... but you need to let him know what IT is doing to you... because unless you 'communicate' your pain to him.... your WS is more than happy to think that you are OK with it!
...you are 'allowing' him to continue to 'kid' himself.....about what this is doing to you!
It is not a LB to be honest....don't judge....don't overdo it... but DEFINITELY let him know how much the whole situation is painful to you....WITHOUT any expectations .....simply because he is a WS....in self-centered land!
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Kama, my only advice to you is to leave your pistol at home when you confront him so you don't shoot him and try not to run over him with your car. And please try to refrain from punching him out. Other than that, of course you should confront him. You should then expose the affair to any key people in his life and the OW's life.
When a spouse moves out to "get space" it always means they are moving out to pursue the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
p.s. the only reason I say don't shoot, punch or run over him is because they are huge lovebusters and may land you in jail. Just try real hard to control your temper and don't harm him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 813
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 813 |
kama.......seriously,even the bible says it in proverbs. "about the food eaten in secret is sweet."
The fuel of the secret passion......picture it.... can you and H make love with your windows open to the public in the middle of the day?
the same effect is created when you WITHOUT LBers, let your WH know that he is hurting you with these actions and that you are aware of them.
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 18
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 18 |
Thanks guys--that definitely makes sense that it is not a LB to tell the truth. I need to just state how it makes me feel without being sarcastic or judgemental and leave it at that. It's up to him to respond if he chooses.
He just got back this morning from a Drill weekend (and he really was at Drill), I haven't seen or heard from him yet at work.
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
You need to do more than just let him know he's not fooling you.
You need to expose.
Have you told his parents? brothers or sisters?
Grandparents?
Your parents? your brothers or sisters?
Who is his OW? Is she married? Investigate...find her family. TELL EVERYONE.
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
OMG -- you are so fortunate! It is within your power to end this affair today.
Inform the command. I know why you don't want to, but he is in violation of military law. He doesn't deserve his commission.
This is a direct consequence of HIS ACTIONS -- one he certainly has thought through while proceeding with this affair.
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