It is a game designed to make you jealous.
He is waving his "availability" in front of you so that you will stop him from acting on it -- and take him back.

Please bring someone with you. Stop with the excuses. You are as addicted to this drama as he is, but are for some reason willing to put yourself in danger over it.

Please use common sense.

You DO NOT have to be the one to tell him the divorce is final. Thats what you paid your attorney for.

Stop being melodramatic. You do NOT have to tell him. You do NOT have to participate in the anger and threats of suicide. You are volunteering for it. STOP IT.

You need more than prayers -- you need a big sister or a parent who would talk some sense into you!

Lexxxy,
I can see that. He wants me to know that somebody else wants me if I don't so I better make some changes or he'll be involved again.

The drama - I hate it but I remain sucked into it at the same time. It's like I have no control. I know it's bad for me and I know that only I have the power and control to stop it but I keep staying in it. It's like the person who weighs 300 pounds that can't force him/herself to push back from the table. They are the only ones who can do it.

I've got a niece and a big sis who give advice but, I have to act on it and it's hard. I still have feelings for him and it's hard to go dark. Plus I still have to finish getting my stuff. Once that's done it will be easier to just not answer.

The divorce was in the legal section of our local newspaper yesterday.

I'm really debating whether to tell him or wait until I can get my stuff out. I fear his reaction either way.

I just pray this gets easier as time goes by. Right now I'm a basket case. Thinking back over everything I did and didn't do and wondering if this could have been saved and if it should have been saved.

Prayers needed.

L2S,

[[[hugz]]] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Why do you feel obligated to "tell" him????

He's a big boy with an attorney. He can find out himself, just like you did.

I think this is YOUR way to stay involved in the drama. You have absolutely NO obligation to TELL him anything.
You know their will be some kind of emotional reaction, so you want to be the one to tell him.

This BS life2short. I'm calling you on it.

Life2short -

NOW is when you need to be in close touch with your counselor and the women's shelter - this is when you need their support and the kind of help and guidance they can offer....

Your mind is racing right now because you are so scared of what he will do when he finds out, that you can't think straight.

Remember, isn't this the guy who faked his own suicide with ketchup and a rifle so you'd see him when you walked in the door - this is a guy who puts a handgun by his suitcase where you can see it when he said he was leaving - this is a guy who plays with your mind and has been playing with your mind for a long time - you will be vulnerable to his mind games for as long as you are in contact with him and you are still in contact with him....I believe you when you say this is the hardest thing you've ever done....this is the hardest time for you...but you have some good people in your life who are trying to help you and you are doing a great job....don't let him suck you back into his drama...his drama doesn't have to be your drama.....

If you saw a girl child sitting crying in the road, would you go pick her up and try to protect her from being hit by a car, even if someone was screaming at you not to?

Well - YOU are the child in the road. Pick yourself up and hold yourself to yourself tight - protect the girl child in yourself even though someone (him) is screaming at you not to....

You've come this far, and no matter what, you are not going back into that....

You are going to have a good life....

And as time goes on, you will slowly heal the thorns and doubts that are in your heart now....even if you don't believe it can happen right now....

And really...you really don't owe him anything...he owes you - bigtime - for what he has done to your soul and your spirit....see, his game is to make you feel guilty for what you "do" to him. His game is the blame game - he is obsessed with blaming you for his unhappiness...he NEEDS someone to take the blame for the resentment he feels....you fell into his trap...if it wasn't you, it would have been another woman...it just happened to be you....so once you see that, you don't have to accept that you owe him anything...not even an explanation....

IF he were ready and able to change, you would see something totally different from what you are seeing now - you would not see blame, resentment, anger, accusations, stalking, manipulations or the remorseful apologies which are the flip side of that blame game. You would see real humility - someone who admitted that he was 100% responsible for the misery he has caused you - you would see an acknowledgement of your feelings - you would see someone who asked for help to overcome his problem - you would see him admit that he had a problem - you would see someone who recognized that he had to do 95% of the work of rebuilding the relationship - you would see someone who was willing to give up his addiction to resentment and blame.

You know you are not seeing that....and that you can't go on allowing yourself to be the emotional punching bag for someone who just wants someone to blame for the misery he feels.

You are not the cause of his unhappiness.

So protect yourself. Call up the women's shelter, and take some advice from them about getting the rest of your stuff if you have to - if you don't have to, just leave it...what is more important - your stuff, or your safety?

Keeping you in my prayers....

Lexxxy,
I value your advice and your opinion.

He doesn't have an attorney. I filed and we worked everything out without having to go through two attornies.

I feel obligated to tell him b/c I care about him and I don't want him to find out from someone else. I have to live with my actions during our marriage and as we divorce and move on in life without each other.

This is very painful for me b/c I do still love him. I just realize that we are not healthy for each other. We both have "issues".

I will readily admit that there is always drama surrounding him and this drama has been my life for the last ten years. I am looking forward to the peace that will be there when he isn't in my life but there will also be pain involved.

I don't think that I'm trying to stay involved. I am still packing my things. I've cleared the kitchen, dining room and most of the living room. Bedroom is clean. Mostly stuff now in daughter's room, garage.

This is painful. I am now living the death of my marriage. I am having to come to terms with the fact that I will never realize the dreams we shared.

This is very hard. I still wish there was some way to repair all the damage but I don't see how. I know that we must cut all ties and move on without each other.

I just hurts.

It is the attorney's job. Not yours.
Stop it L2S, its just another way to engage in big drama.

And it is extremely DANGEROUS. Your common sense is not speaking to you right now.

You will be fine....better even.

Send him a note, very short and factual:

WS,

As of (date), our marriage has been legally dissolved. You are being notified since you choose not to retain legal counsel.

Since this marriage was dissolved due to your choices, I hope you can find happiness in your future. You no longer have to wonder about the family since you have chosen not to be a part of it. It saddens our hearts but if you like to rip family's to shreds, you have done a good job.

For us, we will be moving forward. I will try to remember the happy times and put the bad memories behind me. It is with regret that I my current memories of you are filled with such sadness. Still for all our misery, we hope you can be happy.

Sincerely,
(put your name - do not mention XW).

JMHO,
L.

Update............

I have packed 85% of my stuff in the house. Still have to move it all out and then get furniture.

H still doesn't know we're divorced.

While I was there packing a woman called but he wouldn't answer. Then, his cell rang. He wouldn't answer. He left house to go across street to talk to neighbor. She called and asked for him. I told her he wasn't there and did she want to leave a message. She said no.

Then, she left message on ans mach that she thought she would have heard from him by the time she called.

Later, she called again. I asked who was calling and she wouldn't say.

I know that none of this is my business anymore. We are divorced and he is no longer mine/my concern but, it still hurts to believe that she is the next OW if not already. Yet, he is begging me to make it work and telling me he's sitting home alone and just wants me.

I go for counseling tomorrow. I think this counselor can help me w/basic abuse issues but I'm not sure how equipped she is to help me deal with/overcome stuff from my past that has molded me into how I am today.

I want to know why I do what I do and how to overcome it all.

Update........

Have most stuff packed. Plan to start removing from house tomorrow morning.

He hasn't led me to believe that he knows about divorce but could be playing cat and mouse game w/me.

He is continuing to talk to OW. I was there packing yesterday after work. She called his cell and he didn't answer. He walked outside and she called house. I answered phone and she hung up.

That's not just a friend calling. They have something going on. Just adds more weight to my decision.

Don't answer his phone. Its none of your business anymore.

It doesn't matter who is calling him. And you do not require further weight for your decision.

Its DONE. Be DONE.

Very true.

Based on what I have seen and what he has told me........

I believe that he has moved on to someone else all the while begging me to give the M another chance..... telling me he loves me as much as he ever did........ telling me that he has done what he said he would do and that is not see anyone until we are divorced.

We are divorced.......not sure if he knows.

It just hurts. There are times when I look at him I can still see the man I married. There are times when I look at him that I feel he is a total stranger to me.

Just a bit down today. I have to get the rest of my stuff, probably work on tomorrow and I know my emotions will be all over the place from anger to dispair.

Life has a way of throwing you curve balls just when you think you're on the right track...........

My XH's brother is in the hospital and not expected to live. The funeral arrangements and cost will fall to my XH b/c the other siblings have nothing.

This was very sudden and unexpected. The sick brother has no insurance, no money, no burial plot, etc.

My XH called a little while ago to tell me the news. He is out driving around and crying. Reflecting on all that he has done wrong to people in the last few years.

I feel very sorry for him and I don't know what to do. I know this is a way for me to easily get sucked back in. I am a rescuer.

Even though we were separated at the time, I helped him w/his dad's funeral a couple of years ago. His siblings dumped that one on him too.

I have no concrete evidence that he knows of our D. I have not tried to move anything out this past week. I was planning to work on it this coming week in the evenings. Now, I think that would be a very nasty thing to do.

Please. Really need advice on this. I am by nature a very giving person and I hate to see anyone hurting without trying to help, especially someone I love/care about.

What do I need to do in this case?

L2S;
This is a sad story, and a sad event.
You should visit your former BIL in the hospital.
You should attend his funeral.

This is NOT about your XH -- its about his brother.
This is NOT a new reason for you to interact with XH.
This is NOT an opportunity for you to "help" him.

I don't know if you recognize this or not, but you seem to seek out new reasons why you need to have contact with XH.
You are justifying continued contact with your abuser.

Look at your last post. Its all about XH. And this is NOT about XH.
You have no concrete evidence he knows about the divorce????? SO WHAT????
You hired an attorney -- tell him to communicate it.
BTW -- your XH KNOWS he got served papers, he knows what the process is -- and he's a GROWN-UP. Let him figure this out.

Why do you try to absorb so much responsibility for him?

Don't save him from himself. He will use you to get past this event and go right back to who he was. Let God deal with him and don't get in his way.

I know this is so hard but it is necessary.

Thanks guys. You always help me stay focused and grounded.

It IS hard to break away. It's at times like this when I see the man I fell in love with. I need to stay more focused on the man he has become.

Lexxxy,
Don't know why I take on so much responsiblility for him. I am by nature a rescuer. I think I saw my mom do that w/my Dad. He was very sick and she took care of everything.

I am taking baby steps. Every day I get a little stronger and I make a little more headway. I will get there. I just need encouragement along the way.

Well here is your encouragement to look at this the right way.

You asked what you should do. My suggestion is 2 things.
Visit BIL and attend BIL's funeral.

That is all. Your involvement in this situatiaon ends there.

L2S -- there is nothing noble about rescuing someone. Especially someone who needs to learn personal responsibility. Your XH needs to learn this -- and you need to get out of the way.

In need of some encouragement and advice...........

Divorce final 3/28. I didn't tell XH (I hired the attorney and paid - he didn't hire attorney to represent him). I haven't gotten copy of papers yet but know the judge signed 3/28.

Supposedly the woman (old friend) who introduced him to his latest lady friend found out and called the lady friend. She told my XH on Friday. He called and asked how long I had known. I was honest w/him. He asked why I hadn't told him. Honest again.... "b/c I'm scared of you and your reaction".

Didn't hear from him all weekend. Today, he starts with the text messages and phone calls and VMs again. He's mad b/c he is having to pay CS but isn't seeing my DD. She doesn't want to see him but I haven't told him that. Again, scared to.

I am getting rest of stuff from house the end of this week.Now he's saying that he is hiring an attorney and is going to take me to court. Says he has taped me saying that I will talk to DD but haven't about him seeing her. But, I guess it would only take the judge talking to her to find out that she wants nothing to do w/him and for good reason. Not sure if the judge would yank CS or not.

We've been looking for houses and think we've found an almost perfect fit. Good location, safe area, reasonable price, good condition. Downside: it's on the same street as the latest lady friend. He would have to pass my house to get to hers. WOULD THIS BE A MISTAKE?

I have to be in a certain area for her school zone. There are a few neighborhoods that have homes for sale in my price range but they seem to have a lot of turn over. The others are either kind of seedy and run down looking or are out of my comfort zone as far as price is concerned. I plan to pay a good bit down so that my payments aren't too high and we can still have funds for fun and food!!

He cursed me out a few times and then this evening called back to apologize and say "sorry" and that he loves me and is hurt by all I've done to him. Says he believes I'm seeing someone - I'm not.

I would appreciate any advice.

my advice?

Stop having contact with him.

The house sounds wonderful. As far as the latest girlfriend, its probably only temporary (most of his relationships are only temporary....)
But he is such a game player, I am sure he would go out of his way to rub it in your face. Will you ever be able to shut him out? If you were stronger about putting no contact into place, I'd say get the house.
But if you can't disengage, then you are buying more drama....