So, when you gonna expose???

Yeah this thinking makes us queasy...but let's remember, aliens don't understand that humans don't like eating feces. :-0

I have created a draft plan about exposure. But I'm really nervous about doing that. I really think it'd be the last draw for her. I'm also worried it might upset her mother so much, she might start having health problems again (stress seems to really be bad for her). Also, my WW thinks I'm out of control! I'm worried that if I do the exposure now, she's just going to see me as a loose cannon. Maybe I am! Read this:

I saw her car at his place again last Thursday and I got so upset - I told her I was leaving, that it was all up to her but I wasn't going to stay with her until she decided whether she wanted me, and stayed at a motel for a couple nights, said I'd take the kids out of town that weekend, etc. That anger died down, and now I'm back at the house, talking to her about how I think she should end her affair and that we should try to fix our marriage. I realize this is a drastic change, and she's upset about how I changed my mind so drastically. I need to cool down and try keep in control of my emotions! Should I try to lay low for a while before doing the exposure? Right now, it seems like I'm the basketcase right now. Am I going crazy? Everyone has difficulty dealing with this situation, but I think I'm letting it control me! Am I?

Now about the talk I had with my WW: Talking to her really makes me lose hope. I really think she doesn't love me. She says she was so unhappy in our relationship for such a long time, and that there's no hope of her being happy with me. She says she would rather be single than try to make things work with me. She wants to just continue the status quo, stay married for convenience. She says that even if her affair were to end, that it wouldn't change how she feels about me. She says that even when she and her lover have a "fight" and stop talking for a while, it doesn't make her want to try to work things out with me. I don't think this is a Fog - I think she really doesn't want to try to love me anymore.

I tell her I can meet her needs, that we wouldn't return to the past, but we'd move on to the future, it would be better. I tell her I can be a stronger person, work on the things she's complained about, and how I've improved on a lot of these things already. But she says she doesn't want to do that. She says that if I want to make it work, then I should prove it first, I should prove I can be the one she wants, before she decides to get committed to our relationship again. She says that if I'm serious about winning her over, if I was confident enough about my abilities, that I should try to win her over, make her want to be with me (just asking her to give it another try will not work). Of course, she doesn't want to break off her relationship with her lover while I do this. I tell her NO ONE could work on a marriage knowing that the other one is having an indefinite affair, under any circumstances, but she just doesn't get that. She says the affair shouldn't matter to me.

Thanks everyone for reading about my problems and all your comments are really appreciated!

Look - if you can't/won't follow even the most basic of affair busting advice, give up now. You are so convinced she is sooooooooooo different. Every WS is angered by exposure. But your marriage can survive temporary anger. It won't survive an ongoing affair.

Stop trying to talk yourself out of exposing.

hopefuldad,

I felt the same way as you did.. I didn't listen to the advise I was given and allowed myself to think "my situation is different". But in fact, it really isn't. You expose, she gets real mad at you. She'll threaten divorce, she'll not talk to you, but really, how much worse off are you from that? She says she doesn't love you, she says its over, she wants you for a trophy husband while she OPENLY sees another man... I mean, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

DUH

It doesn't get any worse than your wife screwing another man unless you also want to allow her to rub your nose in it.

Yes, I see your points! Basically I'm just wondering if exposure would really change her mind, and whether I should just end everything now and file for D. If I do that without the exposure, at least the divorce would be more friendly and less costly, and the custody issues would go more smoothly.

Exposure alone often ends affairs. It did with my wife.

Thanks - and please slap me again next time I'm tempted to give up!

Hopefuldad - you're right - the divorce would be more friendly, less costly, custody go smoother ...but the divorce would pretty much DEFINITELY happen in your scenario. If you want any chance of saving it, you need to go a different route.

With two young kids - I would think you would want to at least *try* to save it.

HD, my H was like you. A good, kind, gentle man. When he became deadly serious about saving our M, he showed me he was a Man with a capital M. He said "you may think I'm a pushover, I'm not" he said "you may think I won't fight for you, I will." He said "I'm a man, you're my woman (yes we did both laugh) and you'll stay my woman." He said "I'll divorce you in a moment if you carry on with an A. I won't look back."

It was what it took to turn me around.

To clarify fiatflux, you're saying the different route is to do the exposure, correct?

We are all saying EXPOSE.

Lets talk deal hopeful dad,

I am willing to bet you $5.00 after exposure you'll hear one of these comments;

1. Have you no shame?
2. Your crazy!
3. I was going to stay, but after you did this I'm out of there
4. Your so thoughtless!

She will be mad, but whats the alternative, living as a roomate while your wife goes out and sleeps around?

Theres a awful word in the dictionary for that, cuckold.

I would get started, and its not going to be easy. I've heard the Pros say that your M can survive anger, but not a continuing A.

Just make sure you have the Exposure plan in place so you can expose at once on multiple fronts. Exposing 2-3 people at a time isn't going to be effective as everyone who can put pressure on her to end the affair being informed at once.

That doesn't mean telling the mail-man, the lady at the checkout counter, the softball team, just people she knows who can/might be able to make her realize what she is doing is not the right thing to do.

I almost forget a few other nuggets I picked up from other people here.

Don't cave and whimper when she comes home after getting news of the exposure. Don't be clingy or apologize for it, your not causing the problem, your attempting to treat a addiction! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

and don't make promises like

"I won't expose ever again"

Your dealing with a alien infection and I couldn't think of a better scifi show to describe how WS's act when thier in thier crazy state of mind.

Alien Parasite Classification

Expose Expose Expose.

It rattles the fantasy land that your WW is living in.

It definitely broke the hold the OM had on my WW though she is now pissed at me and still doesn't want back in on the marriage.

At least her anger would subside. Then I may have a chance.

But as said so many times before, the marriage will not survive an ongoing affair!

hopefuldad,

My WW said the same d*mn things prior to exposure. Once I exposed, she said that was the last straw and that she was getting a D. Well, guess what. The A was over FIVE DAYS LATER! She's doing everything she can to keep you from exposing. Now she's telling you that maybe you can win her over again (but don't expose). She doesn't want to lose her financial support or family stability, that's why she doesn't just divorce you. Your situation is no different than anyone else's. Read all of our stories. Everyone feels the same way as you do prior to exposure. Everyone's WS FLIPS OUT when they are exposed. But pretty much kills every WS's affair. You know what to do. Are you man enough to do it? Sometimes you just got to grab your balls and go.

You are afraid that your WW will see you as a loose cannon? She's the one screwing OM while she's married and talking about having an "open marriage." Who's REALLY the loose cannon?

These folks are dead on...and everyday you wait, is just one more wasted day. Instead, you could start the process NOW by exposing and getting that adulterous relationship to begin its ending! I wanted to respond what you wrote...and then add a few things here.


All BSs are nervous about exposure. It's normal!


All BSs believe this. It's normal!


She is going to find out anyway! And when a divorce happens and her daughter and kids are involved in that mess...how much stress you think she is gonna have then? Instead, by quietly exposing and telling her you intend to fight for your marriage and family...THAT would be less stressful!


All BSs go crazy! It is a crazy time for anyone going thru this mess. The key to not going crazy is to keep from getting sucked into her parallel universe, where reality is bent! When you hear her say something or see her do something that you know isnt right factually, morally or ethically...trust your gut. Dont second guess yourself! You are the sane person in this relationship right now!!!


She loves you. She isnt "in love" with you right now. So what? If you have read all of Dr. Harley's stuff, you will know that this is not a big deal. If she was in love with you, she wouldnt be carrying on with this other guy. So her saying this stuff is obvious. The key is understnading that she is an addict to this OM. That both of you are meeting some of her needs right now, and to stop being with either of you will be EXTREMELY painful for her. So, she wants everyone to stay in place so she will not have to feel that pain. But she has no choice! No matter what, that pain is coming. The key is for you to find out what needs he is meeting and then you meet them for awhile (Plan A). Once you have done the best you can there for awhile, then you go to Plan B and do NOTHING for her. By then, she wont be getting the needs met that you have always met PLUS the needs met that both of you were meeting. She will be in extreme pain. She will be angry! She will flock to the OM, demanding that he meet her needs and make the pain go away. But you see, he cant. He isnt you. He isnt her husband and father of her children. There are many things he can never do! And so, by doing this...the affair receives a fatal blow. And two selfish people, making more and more demands of each other...begin to destroy their "fantasy." It's like two ticks without a dog!


She is right about the first part. She is wrong about the second. It is up to you to guide her to realizing that. By meeting her most important needs. By not love busting. You see, once you do that, then your WW will be like so many we hear about on here. She will come in one day and say "Why couldnt you have been like this during our marriage?" And you will laugh deep down, because you will know right then that you have her.


She has no hope. She sees no alternative. She doesnt know what you know. As I said, it is up to you to lead her...to show her the reality of the situation. Not tell her!! Show her!


Of course she does...she is getting her needs met this way!


This is traight out of the WS Handbook, Chapter 12 entitled "I am Entitled." They ALL say this!!


Stop listening to a WW!! Thay all say this stuff, and they all mean it {sarcasm}. In reality, they have no clue what they are saying!! If your wife was an alcoholic and she was drunk and said this stuff, would you take her seriously? Nope...you would get her to bed to sober up! Well, your WW is no less an addict. It is fog...it ALWAYS is!


And deep within the fog...your wife is correct!! She is right. Telling her means NOTHING! You must show her. You must meet her most important ENs and do so consistently. You must not love bust. You must improve yourself. You must do all of this while expecting nothing in return for awhile.


She is correct! Although she is saying this because she wants two men to chase after her...it still doesnt matter. What she is saying is correct!


Of course not! That would be painful...and she does not want any pain!


From the WS Handbook, Chapter 8 entitled "My Head is stuck...I need to Grab My Shoulders and Pull."

Okay...I hope you are starting to understand. Your WW is no different than every other WW. Your fears are no different than the ones that other BSs have felt. The issue here is you are the man in this relationship. You must lead. And for awhile, you will have to do so in some very bad circumstances.

So, the next step is to expose and then meet her most important needs. Time to get started. Dont let today be another wasted day!

Ummmmm, are you listening. Think about consequences and outcomes and less about all the noise that is going on from your wife's mouth. Noise is exactly what it is, not reality.

You have been given absolutely good advice by people who have been there, done the right thing and survived, most of them with in a renewed relationship that was worth having instead of one that sucks.

In three words; grow a pair.

She says you are not strong enough, right? Ok, show her you can be strong. Keep it simple. Complicating things is her game, don't make it yours.

1. This is a marriage with two grownups and kids. We had the kids, we are responsible for the example we set and the life we share to lead them to adulthood.

2. An affair is a form of temporary or permanent insanity, you decide wife. I am not going to play your game and game is exactly what it is.

3. No contact with the OM for life. Start right now. Write a letter using Harley's guidelines, nothing else.

4. You made a mistake. Fix the mistake or get out of my life. I do not want the kids infected by your insanity.

I am not a big believer in treating a WW or a WH with kid gloves. I believe in shock therapy, a 2X4 to get through their fog. I has worked for me and others, it may or many not work for you. What do you have to lose by trying, more of your manhood? I sat around with my finger in my [censored] for a month. Then I rummaged through her purse and got my manhood back and did what I had to do.

If you want her back, playing her game isn't going to have that consequence. Playing your game might. What have you got to lose/

Larry

You mentioned OM has an x wife. Have you talked to her about this A? He very well may have a current wife or other girlfriends. He is having s with a married woman. It is highly probable that he has other girl friends. Get this information so you know who else to expose this affair to. But keep timeing in mind. Get information and then immediately expose to all concerned. Does your WW work with him? How did she meet him?--through your friends? Keep all this in mind for exposure purposes.

Of course you are angry and exposure is part of how you deal with your anger. You can keep calm when you expose, but it is a good way to vent this anger that is well justified.

Don't let this all continue without exposing it. Right now, your WW is living her own little dream world. You need to expose this affair to the light of day and the light of the real world. Her affair world is a false world and you are allowing her to continue within this false world by not exposing. Your marriage will never heal while she is allowed to stay in this false dream world.

If you want your M back--expose. No matter what you decide you want, from what I have read on this site, it is best to expose.
Lake