I’ve been reading these forums for the last couple of months, since I discovered this past January that my wife has been having an affair since last August. It was great to know I'm not alone in what I'm going through. Now I'm ready to post my situation and would really appreciate any help from you guys.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, are both in our mid-late 30’s and have two kids, ages 6 and 5. I always thought we had a great marriage, we always had fun together, had so many similar interests and enjoyed each other’s company. We did have some problems though, and the past several months she seemed more and more unhappy. I was trying harder and harder to make her happy, meet her needs, and avoid committing Love Busters. Then, one night I discovered she'd been having an affair, and I confronted her with it immediately.

Since this time, we’ve talked quite a bit about it, and here’s where things stand. My wife is convinced she’s not “in love with me”, never was, and never will be, that I’m just not the right kind of guy for her and that she got married too young (we got married 12 years ago when she was 21). She blames me for most of her unhappiness in her marriage with me, that I didn't meet her needs throughout our marriage. I think I was a good husband, I was faithful, always treated her with respect, provided for the family, tried to be nice to her all the time, gave her massages, etc. But my biggest fault was that I was just not a "strong" enough man for her, wasn't enough of a leader, that I took our marriage for granted, and a few other things. It wasn’t like I didn’t meet all her emotional needs – I went thru the list from this web site, and nothing really stood out as a deficiency, and in fact I seemed to do fine on most of them - it’s like I’m just not the right kind of person for her, that she just can’t love me for the kind of person I am. That’s what she says. It’s like she wants a Romeo, like she wants a relationship out of a movie or something. She's so enamored by her lover, sees all these great qualities in him that I apparently don’t have. She tells her lover that she really loves him and that she could never really love me. She thinks he's her "soulmate". She's still seeing him often, though they very briefly broke it off a couple times since I discovered it, once because my wife wanted time to think about things and another time because they actually had a little “fight”.

She says she wants to continue her affair (and has done so though trying to keep the details secret). She says she’s done so many things for others in her life that she wants to do something for herself now. She doesn't want to divorce me for him though. She wants to stay married and provide a “stable” environment for the kids (ages 6 and 5), so the kids can still have a dad at home. But she wants me to be just a “roommate” and a "friend". She says I can date other women and that we can have an "open marriage". She wants the best of both worlds! I also partly think she wants to keep me around because she doesn't want to upset her family. I think she's genuine about wanting to be friends with me, but I can't accept being a "sideshow" husband. I don't want this type of marriage - I want to stay married to her without her having affairs, and I want our marriage to be a real one, for love, not convenience.

She also says she won’t stop the affair even if it means losing me. This infuriates me and makes me want to leave her. At the same time, she says that if her lover threatened to leave her if she didn’t get a divorce, she would not divorce me for him and would let him go. Her lover seems to be happy with the status quo, of having their relationship be a secret affair – at least for now.

I’ve been staying at the house, trying to be nice, and living with the pain of my situation, dealing with the knowledge she’s still seeing her lover. Basically I’ve been doing Plan A for almost three months now. But I sometimes get so angry at how she continues the affair even after I know about it! I get so angry at her for being willing to let me leave, for not valuing our relationship, our marriage. We have two great kids, and I hate the way she’s willing to let the family get split up over this. Sometimes I don't even want to be around her any more, and have been taking trips by myself with the kids lately, leaving her out. I don't like having so much anger, it ruins everything, I’m not used to this. Many times she sees my anger, many times I’m cold around her, and its killing any friendship we had, and seems to actually be ruining any chances of future resolution. Sometimes I’m completely ready to just leave, other times I want to be friends with her and try to make things work out. All this makes me feel like I’m being so weak and not in control of my emotions. And it all seems to reinforce her opinion of me as a weak person.

Often I want to leave and separate from her. I want to take a stand for what I believe in. I want to show that I'm a man who stands for a pure marriage, and that I'm willing to make sacrifices for that. Besides, I can't stand her continuing to see him. It's like an insult every time, like I'm getting kicked in the stomach every time, and I don't want to take that! Maybe that's foolish pride, but I can't help it. I also want to show her that continuing this affair is causing her to lose her stable family and marriage, that she can’t take >me< for granted. I want her to know that if she sees another man, that she won’t have me.

I wonder if, maybe unknowingly, she’s sort of "testing" me now (knowingly or not), and that by putting up with the affair, I am sort of confirming her suspicions about who I am (a softie who will accept anything, even her continued affair). I wonder if taking action for what I believe in and for what I stand for would show her I’m strong, and make her respect me more. I wonder if this would make her more motivated to ditch this guy and come back to me.

SO:

My question is, should I continue to do Plan A, or should I separate from her now? Would Plan A make her continue to think of me as a “softie” who she can take advantage of? Would she ever respect me if I do Plan A? She doesn’t seem to respect me right now – and who wants to be married to someone they don’t respect? Or should I take the decisive action of leaving now and not coming back until her affair is over? Would this make her respect me more, and make her want to come back to a man in whom she sees “new strength”? Are there any other options I could try? I really love and want her, but I want her to love and want me back! Also, how can I suppress this anger I have and keep from blowing up and starting an argument?

hopefuldad,

If you have not disclosed this A, to her family, your family, your clergy, and where she works IF she works with OM, you have not done plan A. Step one is disclose this A.

STep two is to continue plan A a bit more, but really it seems she knows you will meet her needs.

Step three which really should come right after disclosure if not before,is to call the Harley's and get a plan.

Step four, protect your finances, see a lawyer and find out your options in your state. Is a legal separation available, what do you need to do to go to plan B?

STep 5 is read up and prepare for plan B, and that means seeking custody via a lawyer if you can. Here you need info. For example if you go to plan B, does moving out constitute abandonment? Better is to get her out.

You should avoid love busters, but you should be explaining to her what you think of her behavior. The fact that she has not left for her "soulmate" suggests that deep down she knows she is wrong, and she is not sure how "soulmate" will handle having kids with them.

My point, get your information pulled together NOW. Prepare for plan B, and call the Harley's if you don't have a good counselor and it sounds as if you don't.

You have work to do, and exposure is first and foremost. Read about it in Harley's articles. It is actaully seeking the assistence of loved ones to help you in putting pressure on this affair.

Got lots of work to do, time to get at it.

God Bless,

JL

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your best option now is exposure. Let everyone - her family, yours, the other man's and any friends know that she is having an affair and no longer wants the marriage.

Don't you leave the house. This is her affair. If anyone leaves it must be her.

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should I take the decisive action of leaving now and not coming back until her affair is over?
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You don’t leave. You stay she leaves. If you get to that point that is.

EXPOSURE, you should have done it long ago.

And from there if you have to, go to Plan B.

Her only chance to stay in the house and with kids should be if she agrees on NC and work on the M.


Be strong.

Soulmate, not in love with you, never been happy, married too young open marriage… etc, it’s all WS fog talk, don’t take it to heart.

They all say the same.

Good luck. Keep posting this is the eat place you can find for support and advice.

And dont forget, NEVER tell her you are going to expose. Just do it.

Thanks for your quick responses, JL & Believer! I haven't exposed this to her family because I fear this is one of the biggest things that's kept her around (the kids is the other). She fears her dad would never talk to her again, he's a VERY traditional guy, her mom would get depressed, etc., and it would be a major scandal in her family. The other man is single with one young son - should I try to contact his ex wife (I know her name)? My wife also doesn't work right now, though is looking for a job. But maybe this is what it will take to break this affair, maybe she'll listen to her family more than me.

I will read Harley's articles about exposure and get a plan. We have a good marriage counselor, who we've seen a few times together and once by ourselves - she has been very helpful and has offered to help if we separate or try to stay together, though I believe she thinks we're bound for a divorce given what all my wife said.

When I tell her I'm considering leaving, she tells me things like "You want to give up hope?", that if I leave now, there'd be no hope of getting back together if her affair ends. She says we can still have fun together just like before, go places, I can see the kids all the time, etc. It's almost like she's practicing a plan X on, "How to make your affair last as long as possible after he finds out!"

That was another big question I had - whether I should leave or her. Thanks Chrisner!

Just expose this sleazy affair. She'll get over it. Your marriage can't survive an ongoing affair.

I'd be getting a new MC who believes in marriage too but that's just me.

Hopefuldad, believe it or not ALL WS's think along these lines. They live in a world where everything is possible, even the most far fetched and utterly stupid ideas. It's hard to explain the warped thinking but it IS totally warped.

Expose. Bring some reality into this - it's worth it - trust me.

(BTW I'm an FWW)

hopeful dad,

Please listen to JL and believer, they really do know what they are talking about. Until you expose the A, you're continuing to allow her to sit on the fence and cake eat, since she's getting her needs met from both sides.

You need to expose to people who can help you reach your WW and "make"her realise her ridiculous choices.

Your WW is in FOG. She's threatening you! IF YOU LEAVE???

Please, really, for your own kids. YOU NEVER LEAVE. If anyone leaves it's her.

As for her parents, just EXPOSE and ask for their help to 1. end the affair. 2 to support you as all you want is to recover marriage.

Your WW will be mad and upset and will tell you that you destoyed all chances, bla, bla, bla...

Just stant up to her and tell her you did nothing wrong, SHE DID. You just asked for those who care to help you in this hard situation.

Don't waste more time, EXPOSE, each days passes you are aloowing this Affair to continue.

It's so odd, somehow I do feel responsible in part for the affair. I guess that's always the case. But somehow she's made me feel like it really is my fault. Well, she says it's "50-50". But at the same time, I believe even if I didn't do everything she wanted, I did a lot, I was a good husband, that I didn't deserve this, and I feel justified to be angry about it! I'm also worried she doesn't really love me, and that if I do something to make her so mad she'll divorce me. But honestly, I'd rather be divorced than live life as a "sideshow" husband!

Exposure will be my next move. Really her parents are the only ones who would have an impact on her, maybe her brothers.

Do you recommend telling everyone at once?
Any other exposure recommendations or experiences?

Yes - all at once - a Tsunami of truth.

You are responsible (somewhat) for the state of your marriage but she is responsible 100% for the affair.

You can be responsible (50/50) for problems in the M.

NEVER for the Affair. That was her own selfish choice.

Hi hopefuldad,

Shifting blame is very common for the straying partner, so is re-writing your marital history such that it was ALL bad, there were few good moments and only the bad ones. That's SUPER TYPICAL WS-SPEECH. Almost all the BS's here have heard one version or another of the same speech.

This is in-line with Harley describing the affair as a fantasy relationship -everything else, you, your marriage and kids, pales in comparison. You cannot fight the fantasy, you'll lose. Only way is to break that fantasy and exposure is one of the most effective ways to do it. Expose to EVERYONE who may play a part in pressuring the marriage. Don't forget the OM's wife (if he's married), or management (if they're co-workers)

Also - don't give your wife any inkling that you are going to do the exposure beforehand!!!

As a FWW I just want to reaffirm what has been said about the fog of affairs. In the fog you rearrange inconvenient marriage history to suit your own selfish desires. No responsibility, no cares, all unpleasant reminders are your spouses issues not yours.

You sprout rubbish that could almost have come from a WW book, it’s so common to all WS that you can tick the comments off one by one. And EVERYTHING is your spouses fault.

So don’t worry about her words and threats, if she is going to leave nothing she says will make a difference. But I guess she’s quite happy to cake eat, a foot on each side of the fence.

Expose without warning to all at the same time or close as, its stops her spinning the story that either you are mad, jealous, crazy etc etc

How did your WW meet OM? If it was through work, you must expose there as well. Find OM's XW and expose to his parents as well. Hire someone if you have to. Your WW will be FURIOUS for a couple weeks, she'll threaten you with D, but it will eventually die down. She said that she wants a "stronger" man, so here is your chance to be STRONG and FIGHT for your M. I would identify her top ENs and your LBs and continue a much shorter plan A, but if you make quite a bit more than her, I would kick her out of the house and go to plan B within about one month. The only reason her stupid little A is surviving right now is because she has you to take care of the kids and the bills. I wouldn't let her go out with OM. I would leave her with the kids or follow her so she and OM can't have any time together. You can't stalk your W. Deep down she knows this A won't last through exposure, so that is why she is trying to manipulate you into allowing it. Don't fall for it.

have you exposed yet?

it's just disgusting how these WS thinks they are so wonderful that we would be willing to comprimise all of our values and beliefs just to keep them in our lives

like they are worth so much that people would devalue themselves just to have some crumb of them

the person they have become is just awful...they have become our worst nightmare

someone we would never fall in love with if we met them today

her comment "do you want to give up hope that i might want to rebuild things with you if the A ends" is just awful and makes me sick

i would be sure to tell her parents all about her idea opf an open marriage