I just want you to know that it won't be this easy. Prepare yourself for SEVERAL weeks of pure he11 as your blow to your WW's entitlement will leave her flailing and attempting to hurt you as much as possible. She will say an do anything to convince you it is over and that you did a terrible thing. It is all fogspeak and will taper away with time. Don't let her bait you into a fight. Tell her you did what you had to do to save your M and your family, and then drop it. Get out of the house and away from her if you have to. Latin women are notorious for their fiery attitude and entitlement, but then again, you already know this. Don't let her deplete your love bank any more than she already has.

hopefuldad,

Oh the fires of H*ll are about to descend on you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You will just look at her and tell her you did it to preserve the marriage and then smile. I believe she claimed you weren't "man enough" for her. Well, she is about to find out that you are more man than she can handle. I'll bet dollars to donuts, her OM will NOT like the heat. He will enjoy her focus on him, but she will be ranting about you all of the time. She will have to deal with her mother, she will have to face that she has failed herself, her family and you.

And you just keep saying I did it to save the marriage, I will not live with you having an affair. Repeat the mantra, and then keep repeating it. It will take months for all of this to get through to her, but it will.

Her eyes are about to be opened...big time. Your marriage still might end, who is to know. But, I can assure you, that you will be glad you have exposed.

God Bless,

JL

It was bad. She's going to file for D this week.

She was so sad that her mother got dragged into this. She says I'm being a coward, recruiting other people into this. She couldn't believe I did this to her mother who's 70 and has high blood pressure. I said she was going to find out anyway, it's better if she finds out with me saying I wanted to make it work out, but she says no one had to tell her about the affair, that it could have been an easy divorce. My wife was so sad about this. Gosh I hope this doesn't put her in the hospital.

My wife says what I'm doing is not helping, she has no respect for me, and she says she's scared of me now, what will I do next, will I go violent? She says emphatically she - does - not - love - me -- she - will - never - love - me. She says she never loved me and is sorry she put me thru this, getting married to me but not really loving me. I tell her it could work if she would stop seeing OM, but she says she could never love me no matter what, even if I did everything right. She was sobbing, begging me to please let her be.

I don't think anything, not exposure, not time, is going to work for her. Our marriage was doomed from the beginning. She wants an amicable divorce. There's nothing I can do now, except move forward and live life with my kids. They're so young, it's so sad they'll have a split family. But the harder I try to fix things, the worse it gets. I'm trying to be strong, take decisive action, and she sees me as a lunatic, not a man she wants to be with. I feel if I try to push her out of the house, it's just going to hurt the kids to see their parents fighting.

Hopeful:

Your WW said this:




How many MB regulars think she will do this by April 20?

Anyone?

I doubt that your WW will go anywhere near an attorney.

Today, she is going to tell her OM.

"Look what Hopeful DID! Can your believe it, he told MY Mother About US! I'm going to divorce him now for sure!

And then we can be together!"

And think of the look in OM face then....

Because OM was having fun. And now.... Reality. He just might get her.

Very scary.

Call her Dad now.

Keep the heat on.

LG

Hopefuldad,

SNAP OUT OF IT! I told you that she wants to hurt you now. She is trying to tell you every nasty thing in an effort to get you to give up. DON'T FALL FOR IT!! We told you it was going to be bad. Keep the heat on! I would call OM and tell him to stay away from your WW. I would talk to her father. She has lost control over you and she doesn't like it. She wants to be able to continue to manipulate you, but don't let that happen. My WW said the EXACT same thing. She was going to file for D THAT WEEK! Guess what? That was back in NOVEMBER, and she agreed to NC with OM FIVE DAYS LATER! Go ahead, read my story. DON'T GIVE UP. This is just the beginning of a VERY LONG process. I am 90% sure that your WW will be back with you within the next year. I've talked to hundreds of people in your same situation. Read some of the others stories. Read mine (link is in my signature and the exposure happened around page 9, 11/3/07). Stay strong.

Not me. My WW had a free consultation with a lawyer two weeks later just to scare/hurt me. Nothing ever came of it.

Jayban's WW has said on numerous occasions since January that she is going to file within the week, only never to have done so yet (at least as of last week).

You can't just expose and not be in this for the long haul. Didn't someone say that the fires of h*ll were about to descend upon you? H*ll hath no fury like a woman who's affair has been exposed. Her single goal in life the next few weeks is to hurt you as much as possible for ruining her little fantasy world. She'll run out of steam, however, after a few weeks. Trust me.

Everything she said is right out of the script.
There is NOTHING special or unusual about it.

The most important thing is for you to STOP BELIEVING HER.

hopefuldad,

The fact that she wanted to stay married to you and just have an open marriage makes me almost certain that your marriage will be saved as long as YOU still want her back. She doesn't want to lose your financial support or help with the children. She just wants her fun on the side. If she D's you then who will watch the kids when she will redezvous with her OM? Who will pay the bills? OM just got out of a marriage so he could have his freedom. He does not want to get sucked back into another commitment with children. He will likely cut and run, especially if her parents start calling him and harrassing him. What you just did shortened the duration of her affair. She was never going to leave you, and OM was never going to run off with her. They just wanted to have fun at your expense. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. Don't let her regain control of you. You don't accept anything less than you deserve, so continue to fight the good fight. I will promise you that the next year WILL be h*ll, but it isn't anything your marriage cannot survive.

She couldn't believe I did this to her mother who's 70 and has high blood pressure.

Reverse babble: Yeah, I can't believe that YOU would do this either, to me, your mother, your family and friends, my family and friends.

hopefuldad,
Hang in there. When I exposed, my WH was livid. He couldn't believe that I would tell OW's parents or his work. He said, "Well, what are we going to do if I get fired, I can't pay child support then!". I said, "I have faith that you would find another job, if it came to that, you are intelligent and a good worker, anyone would be lucky to have you. I'm not worried about YOU."

This, too SHALL PASS. Give it some time, she can't keep it up.

hopefuldad, she said exactly what every exposed WS says, it is all according to script. They all threaten to D, they blame the hurt of the affair on YOU, blah, blah, blah, blah. Every recovered marriage on this board heard the EXACT SAME fogbabble when they exposed. It will blow over.

Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair. You did the right thing! Remember, your goal is to save your marriage by killing the affair, not to avoid her anger at all costs. If she was not furious then that would mean you were not doing your job since her goal is one of destruction. You simply interrupted that destruction and she is enraged.

Don't despair, we have been through this a hundred times and you will be just fine! The crack addict is just enraged that you turned on the light in the crack house. She is angry for a GOOD REASON!

Even if she does meet with a lawyer and file for divorce ... and follows through with it (which is all possible... remember the success rate here is better than not using the H's plan... but it is still not great)... even given all those things, you did what needed doing. This needed to be brought into the light of day..plain and simple. You will never regret doing the right thing... even if you eventually get divorced. EXPOSURE does not cause divorce...affairs do. Don't let her bully you with threats...and if she wants to call you a coward, show her that you are the one that can walk with your head held high and not slinking around in the dark for a stolen moment or two.

Long time lurker here. Something about your stitch struck a cord and I just wanted to add one more thing that I'm sure the experts here would get around to mentioning anyway.

Your wife is going to say some hurtful things now that exposure has happened. It will be hard but try and not let it get to you.

I would recommend that you spend as much time as you can with you kids now. Several reasons:
1) They are quite perceptive and will notice a chance in their parents.
2) Their mother is quite in the fog now. Showing her that you are a family with your kids (with or without her) will be a eye opener. - Note: If you do activities with your kids, always invite your wife. Currently she's likely to say no, but you should always ask.
3) With the MIL arriving, it is good to show that you are doing what it takes to keep the family together.

There are more reasons but those have to do with if you wife carries out her lawyer threat. (Which I doubt she will do.)

Best of luck
Chessbuddy

HD's response: "Ok, so you're mad at me because I told your mom about your affair with OM? What's the deal here...I thought you were proud of OM? Why are you so angry with me for telling your mother about what you're doing? I mean, it's not like the real issue here is that what you're doing is WRONG or something. If what you were doing was right, was justified, was ok...then you wouldn't have any reason to want to HIDE it from your mom. You wouldn't be angry with me about it if what you're doing was something that everyone would approve of. Obviously the REAL issue here is that you were doing something that you wanted to HIDE FROM YOUR MOM BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG...and now you're mad because you can't HIDE it anymore. Don't be mad at me because you chose to have an affair honey...that was YOUR choice.

Oh, and the reason I talked to your mom about this was simply to ask someone in your life that I knew was a good person who could help you deal with this whole situation. I asked your mom to help you and I get through this. What was wrong with that?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

BTW...my wife was FURIOUS with me for telling her sister about her EA. For the same reason. And I'd point blank asked her sister to talk with her and to get her to see what she was doing was a bad choice.

My wife's response? "How can you possibly think that I'd listen to my sister about this? You KNOW she's always been jealous of our marriage! Anything she tries to tell me will be because of that."

Me: "I know she's always envied our marriage. So has everyone else. Can you think of one person who HASN'T envied or admired our marriage? As a matter of fact, if you can think of ONE person, friend or family, who DOESN'T feel that way about our marriage, go talk to them too."

Wife: "I can't think of anyone"

Me: "Gee, what does that tell you?"

Wife: SILENCE

BTW...her sister at first told her that it was her life and it was her choice. Then called her back two hours later and told her that she was wrong...if she was dumb enough to give up all that she had for someone else, that she was an idiot.

My wife was STUNNED...her sister had never talked to her like that before. It was a GOOD exposure! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi HopefulDad,

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I should NOT be laughing at this because I know you are deeply concerned, but man if you hang around here for awhile, you will see as everyone has said these words over and over again.

So let's review the tape shall we?
Wasn't that predicted? Didn't happen? Look hopefuldad, she may actually do it and it may actually lead to divorce, but that is a long way down the road. The good news is she is responding as predicted, and that means you have the tools available to affect things in the future.

She passed the first idiocy test, and now you know what you are dealing with. Your one each, GI issue, cheating W. Nothing special here. Hang in.


And her mother wasn't going to notice that she got a divorce or you filed for divorce if she kept up her non-sense?? Come on. Now you have the definition of "fog babble" right in front of you. "Mom" was going to find out. You know it and state such to her.


Yup she is right you are a coward to fight for your marriage, does this give you a clue what the issue is right now? As long as she is in this mess, she will have everything backwards, including but not LIMITED to the definition of a coward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Easy for who? Surely not you. Probably not for her Mother. Probably not for your family. Just her hiding her affair in the dark, dank basement of her soul. Don't you just hate it when sunlight gets into their souls??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You are doing well, but as you see right/wrong, logic/illogic, up/down are all backwards. Now you know, but as I said earlier the good news is she is behaving exactly as predicted, thus there is a better chance than you realize to save this IF in the end you decide you want to.


It is tragic when a fantasy is shown to be a figment of their imagination. I am sure this will be painful for her, but that is EXACTLY what exposure is supposed to be. Stepping from the dark into bright light can really give one a headache until the eyes adjust. As you can see she has a lot of adjusting to do. Keep up the good work.

Well it sure is not working for her. You were supposed to roll over and make her affair, her cheating, her lying painless and alright. How could you bring honesty, devotion, love, and commitment into this mess? You are just soooo unreasonable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


A petualant child isn't she? It will change hopefuldad. Hang in there.


Hopefuldad, you are misreading the tea leaves and entrails. This is a good thing. You want her mad. You want her in conflict. You don't want her in withdrawal and she will have a hard time with exposure taking place. she can run but she cannot hide from you, her mother, and others. She wants to but she cannot. Most of all she cannot hide from her own children. Very painful, very daunting, but you WANT her in this place NOW. Have some faith in yourself, and yes the woman you married. She may get beamed back from the mothership to replace the woman you are dealing with now.



And you would trust the evaluation of a woman that thinks as she is thinking now. That is like going to an asylum and asking the most psychotic person there if you are normal. What has he Mother said? What has she said to you when you told her you wanted to preserve this family and remain married because you love her daughter and you want to protect HER grand children? Think about that.

HopefulDad, you are doing fine. Your W's reaction is right on the money. Things are going as planned, so hang in there and be strong. You will never regret it no matter how this turns out. This stuff is NOT FOR WIMPS and you are doing very very well.

God Bless,

JL

HD,

Get back here and get in the game man.....This is nothing that 99% of the BS who exposed haven't heard before. Your WW is an alien!!! An alien and nothing she says or does will make any sense to you. You will stop knowing her and believe that she is someone else....Trust me and us on this.

Get in the game and man up if you want to save your M and protect your children. Whether your M is saved or not if you will listen to people here you will have your self respect and dignity and your children will admire you.

How many OM will your WW marry, decide she doesn't love or didn't love, have another affair on that man and march who knows how many men into the lives of your children. Stand up. Someone said, what would you do if you weren't afraid.
Do what people suggest here and you will not be disappointed no matter the outcome.

Great job on the exposure! Now keep up a strong Plan A and don't listen to her venom. If exposure wasn't threatening to her affair, she wouldn't be so pissed.

HD,

You reading what all these good people are saying?? How many times on this thread has it been stated "My wife or husband did the same thing"? How many times can you read on this website all of these insane rantings your wife has said, out of the mouths of other WSs?? Thousands!!

My wife did the same things yours did. Her head nearly came off from spinning around so fast. And, we did end up going to court twice (she filed twice). And the whole mess went on for about 4 years (longer than normal on here).

And...oh did I forget to mention that we are in recovery, in love...and expecting our fourth child in September??

My man...most of the folks here are trying to get you to see reality! Reality is NEVER what the WS sees. NEVER! Many here have said for you to stop listening to your WW. You need to do that. Husbands should listen to their wives....they should never listen or believe a WW!!!

Some on here even got divorced...and recovered their marriages!

HD...stop listening to your WW!!!!!!!!!!

One note I have for you because everything I wanted to say has been covered in the above posts. But that note is on what Dobie said above.

People do not get angry about that which they dont care about. If you had exposed, and your wife had no reaction...or told her mother and others "so what? I am getting divorced and this is just fine..." then I would have said to you that this marriage is over!!

But as JL stated in his post, she got angry. GREAT!!! AWESOME!! That is the BEST news your marriage has had in awhile. It means she still cares. It means she still understands her adultery is wrong (dont call it an affair in front of her....makes it sound so nice...call it adultery!). It means she still cares what people think.

Hopefully in your exposure, you have told everyone! If not, then finish the job. Do everything short of taking out a billboard.

And in the meantime, turn up the heat on the OM. Make sure his people (family, work, etc) know too. You see, your wife is about to get very needy and demanding on the OM. At the same time, he will begin to get the stares and the heat from the adultery being out in the open! Your wife is going to start demanding (love busting) that the OM do something about all of this. To promise to help her move out, to take care of her and the kids, etc.

And then his head will start spinning!!

You are in the fight now...keep the pressure on them!! Keep Plan Aing where you can. Meet ENs and dont discuss your exposure, or divorce, etc with her. She comes in and says "I cant believe you told his work, blah, blah, blah..." then you just come back with "Hey...I'm making cajun chicken with dinner. Do you want rice or noodles with that?"

She will want to draw you into a fight. Or at the very least, to admitting YOU were wrong. Leave the WRONG where it belongs...right in her lap! You pulled the pin on the hand grenade and dropped it in on WW's lap. I suggest you let her deal with it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Great job, soldier! Now keep pressing the fight on the "enemy." They are on the run.

It was a tough morning for me, I was thinking it had backfired. I was ready for the onslaught last night, and held up pretty good for a while, just saying I'm fighting for our marriage, kids, etc., but it kept coming and just wore me down, and I got drawn into discussing it. She also told her mother about the skeletons in our closet, bad decisions I made early in our marriage and before we were married, and some past issues and problems regarding my family, things that I was afraid she'd tell, things that might make her mother take her side. Everybody makes mistakes, I know, I knew the risks. Either way, I didn't apologize for exposing though, and I didn't break down, but this morning after she left I did (break down). Now I'm at least laughing at your responses - they have really helped me feel better. She's so good at shifting the blame on me, making everything seem my fault, like I'm too weak to deal with my own problems so drag other people to do my dirtywork. She says she'd never do that, she deals with her own problems herself, and also I had no right to drag her mother into this, etc. She says I should have just called the OM, not third parties.

My wife is so headstrong - she'd make the King of France look like a humble servant - even though she says all the predictable things, she's more likely to follow thru on them, and those things she says are set in stone in her head. But I'm gonna hang in there. I told her let's just take a few days to cool off.

Any recommendations on calling the OM? It's my biggest fear, facing the enemy head on. Has anybody done it? I want to sound in control and firm, but be ready for anything. How should I handle that?

Just call him up, be calm and firm, and tell him that you know about their relationship, you have small children, you are going to fight for your M and your family, and that he needs to leave your wife and your family alone. Don't listen to what he says. When he answers, make sure it is him, read your prepared statement, and hang up.

At the same time I would do some detective work (call OM's XW), get his parents' contact info and expose to them as well.

This is just par for the course, man. It will get better in time. This is the TOUGHEST time for any BS. We all understand what you are going through, you just need to be strong.