Hi, well one week ago I saw my wife texting a 'friend' from work that she will 'dream about him'. We were both pretty drunk at the time and she was clearly getting sloppy at hiding it. With hindsight it was obvious - all the signs were there (texting/secrecy etc etc).

Her story goes like this: they've kissed lots but there's been no sex. She has a high profile job and stays away from home a lot. It's difficult for me to believe.

She says she's ended it and is almost acting as if I#ve blown things out of proportion. Wierd huh?

We've been married for seven years and known each other since university (12 years ago). We're both in our early 30's with no kids, though we did have two miscarriages last year, which I'm sure have led to current events.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story and if anyone has any advice please do give it. I'm struggling to cope with a whole range of feelings. I still love her - but it's clearl that something's changed in her, even though she says she wants to be with me...

Jon

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good that you found us early in all this.

Please read all about the emotional needs and make sure you are meeting your wife's top ones. There is a questionnaire link in the "Most Popular Links" box to the right.

The next thing is that she must quit her job and find another one. Once the friendship line has been crossed, there needs to be no contact for life. This prevents an affair and also is to protect your feelings.

The miscarriages may be a reason that she was left so vulnerable to an affair. But it was still a choice she made.

The fact that she seems to think you've blown it all out of proportion is a danger signal that she is thinking like a wayward spouse, and not a wife.

That's quite likely a lie.


Nope. That's likely "gaslighting". Gaslighting and lying are both part of the active WS's toolkit.

Hi all thanks for the advice. I'm really unsure as to how far to go in terms of demanding she leaves her job. She says she has removed herself from the other bloke and won't work with him again. And has told him "this stops now". I guess there are some good signs there (!?!)

She has worked incredibly hard to get where she is - and I guess I'm doubly concerned if it's an option of her job over me then she won't choose her husband!

I suppose that's the key question though isn't it?

Yes it is the key question. Because she will surely get entangled again if she works with him.

My FWW actually had me and herself convinced for awhile that she could continue to work with the OM without it being a problem for our M. The difference to our R when she finally left the job was very noticeable though.

So well, an update. The other man (sorry haven't got the hang of the acronyms yet - OM?) has left the project they work on - though I think that may have happened anyway.

She has been quite open and honest with me (I think - how can I ever know again?) and I have decided against my better judgement to go on a holiday we had already booked (11 days together - no idea how I will cope?).

I'm still so angry and it's difficult even seeing her. I keep firing questions at her to the extent we just can't have a 'normal' discussion about anything. (Huh,what's normal anymore???)

She wants this to work out. Me? My world's changed and deep down I'm not sure anymore. What does that say about me?????

I'm just not sure I'm ever going to be able to let this go. Why does it take so much strength to do this? I still have feelings of 'what the ******, she did it just got to a bar and do what she did'. I won't do it - but I kind of want to - to punish her.

Thankfully, I know that will make me feel even worse. Thanks to everyone who's posted. This is truly a great place in a time of much need.

I'll let you know what happens when we're away. Isn't it amazing how your world can change. Less than a year ago we almost had a baby (see thread above for details)!

Regards, take it easy everyone. Wish me luck (+ strength)!!!!!!

J

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair", as most of the advice you get will be based on the Marriage Builders program, and the author, Dr. Willard Harley, owns and operates this site.

In the mean time, read all you can about Plan A, and, read about Love Busters, and eliminate them from your input into the marriage.

This is mostly about the failure to meet EN's (emotional needs), where someone else is "allowed" by your W (wife) to meet some of hers. It is also about slipping into a rut, marriage wise, and not treating each other as well as we once did.

Knowledge is power, so learn all you can from this website and the book.

Persons in a Wayward state of mind will LIE, LIE, LIE, so believe little of what your W tells you until you can confirm it. They normally only let loose of what they know in dribs and drabs, and even then it's colored to protect themselves from having to take responsibility for their own actions.

While on this "trip", try to normalize your relationship and reconnect with your W. Don't bring up the A at every turn, or you'll push her away. You will need to be vigilant that she breaks all contact with the OM, and now that you know she'll go deeper underground and her secrecy will go to Defcon 5.

Snoop, but don't get caught. You are not invading her privacy, you are invading her secrecy, which has no place in a marriage.

Best wishes,
SD

Moore, hang in there, you CAN do this! I understand your confusion and mixed emotions, but you have to answer for yourself first, do you want to save your marriage? If yes, then start with Plan A. Buy Dr. Harley's books, study and learn from them and from this site, they will empower you w/ knowledge and wisdom on what to do.

I know, much easier said than done, I'm in the same boat. It is truly a rollercoaster of a ride, though thankfully I've been having more up days than down days.

I will be praying for you that your holiday goes well. My WW and I will be taking our kids to the beach this weekend, and I'm hoping to just make some love bank deposits into her, w/ ZERO expectations. The key will be to just take the opportunity to meet her ENs, and push my feelings of hurt aside (for now). Again, much easier said than done, but I know it's the best course of action, all part of Plan A.

Listen to shattered, very good advice in his post. Posting here has been a great source of support for me personally, next to my faith in Jesus Christ. Take advantage of the collective wisdom here from the vets who have been through this nightmare and lived to tell the tale.

God Bless You!

So we're back from a pretty strained holiday. I tried not to talk about it too much, but inevitably once we'd had a few glasses of wine it always reared it's ugly head.

The last night was certainly the best - probably because I was aware that I wanted her to at least have one memory of an evening out when I was 'normal'.

I do feel, however, that she still doesn't understand exactly what she's done.

I took your advice about monitoring her phone and guess what? I found out she had changed the name of the OM in case he did text her (whch he did). Sadly (for me) she did text back. She says she told him 'you shoulnd't be doing this'. But I have no idea really as she always deleted her sent items.

The fact that she didn't just ignore his text is obviously a massive concern and I do now feel this relationship that has been so very good for so long is now starting to dissolve.

Why? I don't feel I can do all this on my own ie: with little effort from her.

I read all the texts from him. (She hadn't deleted them - why? I shudder at the thought) And it's clear that she likes him much more than she's letting on. That really was hard.

She just sat there as I read out every text. It must have been so humiliating for her. And I'm not proud of that but I wanted us to share that together. I feel that she really has to understand what she has done.

It's all very sad and bloody unfair. And to top it all we're supposed to be attedning a christening for my best friend where we've ben asked to be godparents... what to do?????

I hope everyone else i having more luck than me.. I'm starting to realise exactly how long a road this is going to be....

Unfortunately, I think she knows exactly what she's doing.



Yes, she did this to hide her A from your prying eyes. And she's likely gaslighting you about her responses to them too. If they were as she said they were, why is she deleting them so you can't see them?

Never trust an active WS.



You could be honest with your best friend about your situation.

Your W is a WS. Time to decide whether you want to fight to recover your M, or walk away. If you choose to fight, that starts with Plan A and exposure of her A.