I will give you a quick summary of my marriage. My wife and I have been married for 5 years, but together for 9. We had a very short courtship, before having our first child unexpectedly. We stayed together, and had another child 20 months later. We married that year, and just this week my wife has asked for a trial separation.

Our troubles really began 2 weeks ago, when my wife returned from a business trip in the States. She became very distant and hostile, trying her best to hurt me, and make me angry. Well it worked, we had a blowout, and she said the magic words that most WAW's say: "I love you, but I don't love you". "I haven't had intimate feelings towards you in at least 3 years." Which is true, our sexlife has been nonexistant, and she hasn't really initiated intimacy in the last 3 years. We kind of both had chalked it up to problems in our marriage, and hormone imbalances that she has had since having children, both of which we were going to work on.

Immediately we decided to go to couples counselling, as well as our own counsellers, which we did during the first week. My counsellor asked when the problems began, and I explained that they began after her business trip, which I encouraged her to go on, with her boss/co-worker, a man who is twice her age. I even okayed them staying in the same room, which was stupid now that I look back. I stated to my counsellor that there is no way that she would have an affair with him, they are just friends and he is old enough to be her father.

I confronted her on 2 seperate occasions through the week and asked if she was having an affair with said co-worker, and she denied it outright both times. I had no choice but to believe her, and I told my counsellor the same.

Boy was I foolish. The other night, I was looking for some papers that my counsellor had given me to look over, and I stumbled upon some notes that she had written to herself (something she is always doing), that mentioned details about her and her co-worker's affair on the business trip. I immediately confronted her with it, and she admits to having another encounter after she returned, on a night that I was staying at my parents house with my children in order to give HER SPACE!

I was of course devestated, and at 2 days after the reveal, I am not doing very well. I want more than anything for our marriage to work, despite what she has done. But she is adamant that she will never be able to have feelings of intimacy with me ever again, despite how much I might change myself. I know that this is typical blabber from the WW, but I'm really scared.. I don't think I can live without her.

We are going back to see our couples counsellor today, and I have written a letter to her, that I am going to read to her and the counsellor, stating my feelings. I've already been doing plan A, and am ready to step things up.

I am just so confused. I don't know how she could do this once, let alone twice.

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad I found this place


(UPDATE) Wife just called me from work, and stated that she is going to stop working with him, and being near him until we work things out, because she knows how much it is hurting me. Although, I know she has no plans at present to reconcile our marriage.

Be thankful that she's at least seeing a counselor.

I know the feelings you're having with these fresh wounds, I've been there, having found out about my WW's A about 2 months ago now. The lies and deceit, the shock of finding out what you thought was a loving wife is now a selfish adulteress, this is extremely hard to stomach.

I've been doing A LOT BETTER since the initial month, so trust me when I say YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HER. I use to think the same way, even was suicidal at times. My faith in Christ first and foremost is what has helped me, then the discovery of this website and the forums.

I have my weak moments at times, but I no longer lose sleep over her, and the anxiety attacks have subsided.

Read this site and study it, learn from the vets on these forums, buy Dr. Harley's books. You will gain the wisdom and knowledge on what to do, and Plan A is a good start.

I will be praying for you. God bless.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Tell your wife that to recover the marriage she needs to quit her job, and have no contact with him ever again.

Is her boss married? If so, you need to expose the affair to his wife.

Thank you sadpunk for your reply. I don't consider myself a religious person, but I thank you for your prayers, and I am learning to pray in my own way.

I am an Emergency Room nurse, and I always looked at people who had panic/anxiety attacks as people who just didn't know how to cope. Well, last night I found myself in a hospital emergency room having just that. Every time I think about the two of them laying together, I get short of breath, my chest feels tight, and I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. All signs and symptoms of a panic attack. The physician reassured me of it, and gave me a prescription for some short term relaxants. I never knew anything could be so hard, and I haven't done anything wrong. It may sound mean, but I hope that she is feeling these awful feelings too.

I have also agreed not to expose the affair. I know it is the thing to do, but in a small town I wouldn't want the stigma that she would get from the exposure, and I also don't want my daughters to have to live with that. This is just something I'm going to have to live with.

The hardest thing for me right now, is that I keep obsessing over the details, I want to know everything in regards to their 2 encounters. It makes me sick to my stomach, but I'm obsessed. Is this normal?

Yeah, I never thought I could experience such traumatic emotional pain that I experienced from being a BS.

I do get angry at her sometimes and was vindictively glad at times when she would share with me how she's having trouble sleeping at night too. I tried to keep that anger in though, in keeping with Plan A and avoiding LB.

I'm on the fence as well on exposing. The A that I discovered is long over, so I don't see the point in exposing that. Now, I have my suspicions on her current activities and about a certain man she works with, and am doing due diligence to protect myself and my kids. But with only circumstantial evidence thus far, I don't feel like I have anything to expose yet.

I would say it's completely normal to obsess over wanting to know everything. I certainly want to know every last detail, mainly to get the whole picture of what I'm dealing with, and to learn how to not "get played" ever again. I don't obsess over it much anymore, as it does become counterproductive, so be careful and not let it eat you up inside.

QUOTE:

(UPDATE) Wife just called me from work, and stated that she is going to stop working with him, and being near him until we work things out, because she knows how much it is hurting me. Although, I know she has no plans at present to reconcile our marriage.
---------------


Actually this is a good sign, can you ask for NC?

Be carefull about knowing all the details.

I know I could not live with all the details so I never asked for PA details... but all the rest I obssesd to know I had to know or my imagination would make it much worse.

I am over one year from day, but I remember too well how was the pain after d-day. Be strong, it will easy with time.

Take GOOD care of your health, (I know easy to say) you will need it, you're just in the beggining of a long journey.


How old are your girls?

About exposure, maybe you can hold it for now, IF SHE WILL agree to NC and recommits to M. But let the pros here tell you what's best for the future.

Wish you luck. Keep posting, you'll be amazed with the great advice you will get here. I coulnd have made it without MB.

If you don't expose I can almost guarantee you 100% the affair will continue.

If they keep working together, it is 1000% probable the affair will continue.

You know it's the right thing to do so why would you be so reluctant to do it? You should also MUST also tell OM's Wife.

Elproducto

I have also agreed not to expose the affair. I know it is the thing to do, but in a small town I wouldn't want the stigma that she would get from the exposure, and I also don't want my daughters to have to live with that. This is just something I'm going to have to live with.


Some facts of life you may not be aware of.

1. WS lie
You can tell they're lying becuse their lips move or their fingers type. Your WW is almost certainly lying to you about the extent of her affair, her involvement with him now, and pretty much everythng else she says. WS are awash in pheromones and neurostimulants that make culpability and honesty very hard for them, if not impossible. You should trust but verify. It is NOT noble to trust her at this time. Sneak, check up, verify , gather evidence.

2. If you do not expose she has no reason to end her affair

The main tool BS can use against the affair is the bringing home of consequences of their choices to our WS and OP. THEN we can use MB to remove their reason not to come home.

You must find out anyone in OMs life who has a stake in his fidelity : wife, GF, parents, boss and expose with proof IMMEDIATELY. Without this what reason does OM have to stay dark and protect your marriage ? He's been cheerfully exchanging body fluids with YOUR wife for God knows how long now and by not exposing you are TRUSTING HIM to help your recovery !!

I would try that first before exposing your W to her kids etc. But that must happen if the OM exposure doesn't work alone.

You fear this will drive your WW away ? Everybody does. It almost NEVER happens. Understand that your W has chosen to throw away her reputation. This is in no way your doing.

3. Your marriage CAN be saved !!

MOST marriages recover from affairs ! Buy and read " surviving an affair" and all the reources on this wonderful site.

In case you wonder what informs my advice, you can Check out this collection of resources for betrayed spouses new to MB.

New BS toolkit

It contains some of the bundled knowledge of the wiset and most caring people in the world regarding recovering from infidelity. I hope it helps to guide your moves. and keep posting.

All blessings.

Thank you all for your support.

We went to the counsellor last night, and it was rough. But we agreed to give the marriage 2 months, and if there is nothing to salvage (i.e. my wife having feelings for me), then we will dissolve the marriage. She has quit her job for those 2 months and says she will cease to contact the OM. She wants a partial separation for those 2 months, something we have already been doing.

Unfortunately I can't help feeling that she's not all that remorseful about having the A. I know she feels guilty, but she really keeps reinterating that her A is as a result of what she was missing from our marriage. She doesn't think that I can change into the person she wants to be with. I don't believe necessarily that the OM is THAT person, but I just think she has her mind made up that I will never be able to give her what she needs emotionally.

This really hurts, because I just feel like giving in, and giving up. I have the feeling that she is going to sabatoge the attempted reconciliation, because her mind is already made up. I don't know if I can put my heart and soul into changing myself and our marriage, if she is only doing it to alleviate any guilt, and prevent me from saying that she hasn't tried.

I was understanding about the affair up until today. Now I am really angry, but everyone I talk to seems to think that it is just part and parcel of the degredation of our marriage.

Anyway, this rollercoaster is ******, and I would not make my worst enemy go through what I'm going through right now.

Thanks Again for the Support.. it really helps.

I doubt that she will completely discontinue contact with the OM. And as long as she has contact, she won't have hope for your relationship.

Watch for contact. By the way, a "partial separation", whatever that is, is a bad idea.

Well, I'm quickly coming to the decision that it is time to start Plan B. I need to start worrying about myself, because I'm whats going to be left at the end.

Time - 2 months or 2 years means NOTHING if you do not fill that time with the right behaviours.

You must expose to OMs wife, study and apply MB tout-de-suite.

Hope is not a plan.

OM is divorced. I'm going to immerse myself in MB tonight, and learn about Plan B.

Ep

You can't do plan B without doing plan A first. It is just "seperation" without plan A first.

Who told you OM is divorced ? Your WIFE ? Do your own checking.

Find his parents, his boss, his pastor , anybody whose opinion he might respect.

If theres no one then you need to expose your W.

Exposure is the only way to apply reality to an affair. And reality is what kills fantasy.

Your instinct will undo you at this emotionally charged time.

Study MB and find out all you can about OM.

Don't believe a word either of they say to YOU or each other. active WS and OPs lie.

If she agrees to NC and 2 months to work on the marriage, you can expect her outlook on your marriage and you will become more positive over that time. Use the 2 months for a killer Plan A. As long as there is NC, you will see gradual improvement.

That's likely WS-Speak for "I will string him along for 2 months until I can meet OM again." IMO the changes that ensure NC with the OM need to be permanent.



See note above. How is partial separation supposed to help R your M?



That's the withdrawal symptoms speaking. She experienced something with the OM that she became addicted to. You're not providing the same experience for her, for a number of reasons, not just the lack of meeting her primary ENs. It will get better with time if you do a stellar Plan A.



No doubt there - she became addicted to the feeling, not the person.

Well, she says that she is committed to not contacting the OM at all, both for her well-being, and my own. She says that he called her and asked to see her yesterday, and she refused. So I am hopeful that she can continue, and I stressed that there be no email, phone, or any contact at all. She has been told by numerous people that that is what she needs to do.

I guess it gives me some hope, and I am starting to accept my feelings about the affair. Today is a much better day, and we've spoken at length about the terms of our separation, and it was a very respectful talk.

The reason for the partial separation is both financial, and to give the children a base of support. The children will stay in the home, and my wife and I will take turns staying here for the indefinate future.

I think my wife is starting to recognize some of the changes I'm making for myself, and I think she is so confused, that the time she has alone, will do her nothing but good.

I guess my big question is. I know she really has no belief that she will ever have the emotional connection with me that she needs. Our marriage has been very distant for the last 4 years. Is there even a CHANCE, that she will want me again? Or am I up against a wall I can't climb?

Now I just need tips on how to make my Plan A dynamite.

Thanks Again for the support.

that the time she has alone

I can almost guarantee that the time she has alone will be spent boinking OM. She's addicted you see.

I'm not making this up.

You better get serious about affair busting right now if you want your marriage to be saved.

Elpro,

After our detached marriage of 30 years, I rationalized and thought I knew how to handle my H's A. Thus I did not research sites like MB and ended up with 4 D Days over 4 months.

After I found MB and learned all the things these posters have made time to share with you, I realized I needed to expose to the OWH (5-6 months after effective NC) and made a whole host of changes.

I did things wrong, late and backwards but we are now in recovery and will make it. Wish I had sought out and found MB on D Day #1 and I would probably not had 3 more.

Please don't waste time thinking you know how to handle things in your own way (separation). One of the best advice givers, Bob Pure was one of the posters who showed me how erroneous my thinking was even though he was no longer posting (I did not lurk until the holidays and registered in mid Jan.) But I followed the threads he had created before he left the boards.

Mr. Pure, I am so honored to be able to thank you. If you check out my sitch, you'll see what a project our M has been and how successful we are becoming because folks like you took the time to share your insights. And my H and I chose to listen and follow through in spite of our previous thoughts.

I am praying that you, Elpro will do the same.

Ace

Ace, I am humbled and inspired that my experiences and them written, have helped you. You too will help others as you progress. It part of the ongoing blessing of Dr. Harleys wonderful site.

All blessings.

* Elpro,your instinct is not your friend, dude. Hope is not a plan. MB is a plan.