I respect everything that everyone has to say here. But, the separation is something that has already happened. I have however exposed the A to everyone involved, and it feels better. The separation is for the kids, who are the most important people in this mess.

The funny thing is, my wife is calling me 2 or 3 times a day, for little things that she would never call me about before. I'm being polite, but not overly nice, and it seems to be working. I realize that my begging and grovelling was totally counterproductive. I'm gonna stick to this plan, and see what happens.

Well, what a weird day. She has called me 3 times today, for little questions. She asks me to meet her for coffee and bring some stuff that she left at the house. So I show up, and give her the stuff.

She smiled at me when she was talking to me, and gave me 2 hugs, something she hasn't done in a LONG time.

Sent shivers down my spine, and I know I shouldn't read into it too much, but this detaching with love thing really seems to be working. I just have to be careful not to show too much enthusiasm.

Well, I should have listened to you vets. I'm so stupid. I installed a keylogger on her computer, and found out that she is still affectionatly communicating with him, as well as bashing me in the emails.. something she asked me to promise not to do.

I've left her a copy of the emails in an envelope, and that's it. I'm leaving for a while, and damned if I tell her where. She can stew on this for a while, because I have extra copies, and I will be consulting a lawyer tomorrow. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I expected as much.



Probably not the best move, though it might be affective. More effective would have been to collect all information, then do a full exposure: OM, OMW (if he's M'd), workplace, etc.



No, no, no. It should be HER that leaves, if anything. By leaving the home, you're simply providing her with a place to freely conduct her A.

I know how you feel EP, honestly.

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess. Leaving the house and running away will honestly make it harder to stop the madness, not easier. Being rolled along by the flow of events that are controlled by the waywards is NOT the best thing for you kids or yourself. I know this to be true.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying EP. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to tolerate your wifes evil affair while choking down your pain in fear like MIKE did ( click here) . His example is a cautionary tale as to what can happen if you don't take a stand. Mike tolerated a seperation too. It was not good for his marrige or his family. fearful Caution is not your friend right now. I KNOW this.
2. Get mean and Divorce your WW while you are angry and in pain and not thinking straight. Even God ( He cares for you at this time, even if you don't care for Him) allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divorce doesn't remove pain. The issues still need to be worked.
3. Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
Elproducto your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, and you can't change the situation but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation. Seperation was NOT the best thing for you - Harley says that - butyou must make lemonade out of lemons. Plan A your buns off for two months and plan to continue a while.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever any of you decides permanently while seperated now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. Take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge ElProducto ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life. Understand that NOTHING YOU CAN DO can make you lose your wife any more than she is already lost to you.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the passive meekness. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"
Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Mel, Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.
Then start to identify people in OMs life that might apply a moral pressure on him if they knew of his affair. Also have you exposed to your wifes' family and friends yet ? Exposure is a very effective tool.

I don't stop by here often but If I can help you can find me.

I leave you with a question : "What would you do if you were not afraid ?"

Elproducto....don't beat yourself up...You can still take control.

Post, listen, and follow through.....we're all here for you.

Ace

HEY.......EL-P

What's happening? Just checkin' in with ya.....Time for an update.

Ace

Well, I'm afraid it's over. We had another counseling session, in which I stated that my wife had 2 choices, and I needed an answer today. The first choice being that if she was open reconciliation she needed to end things with the OM TODAY. I said that I was willing to give 150% right now, but in 6 months from now when her A ends, I don't know what I'll have to give. The second option was for her to continue the A and for me to move on. She took the second option stating that she has felt trapped in our marriage for 4 years, and was too afraid to tell me, because she couldn't financially make it on her own. She doesn't want to depend on anyone, and doesn't want to be controlled by anyone.

This was very hard for me to hear, but in some ways I'm relieved, because at least now I know her answer. Until now she really hadn't said yes or no. Now I just need to let her go, which is seeming like the hardest thing in the world to do. But she has let me go.

I also had a bit of a crisis the following day. After our counseling session, we went our separate ways, and I was going to get the kids from school and she was going to look at new cars at another town. This was at 2pm, and she said that she'd be staying at the house tonight if that was ok. I agreed, and we were on good terms when we left. 9:30pm rolls around and still no sign of my wife, and no call. I started to get worried because it is very unlike her not to at least call if she is gonna be somewhere different. So I called around, and no one had heard from her, and the place where she has been staying (her parents), said that she was planning to stay here. Well, I figured she went out with her friends, and was going to be in late, so I went to bed. I woke up suddenly at 2am, and she wasn't there. The ER nurse inside me suddenly freaked, thinking she'd been in an accident or something, and nobody had found her. I called the police and filed a missing persons report. They were going to do a residence check at the OM's house, but I told them that she wasn't seeing him anymore.

Boy was I wrong. There she was, she'd gone there after our counseling session. She says that they were just talking, and that I have no right to know where she is, I can't control her. I explained that first of all I was worried about her, and second of all we still have 2 children together, so if something ever happened to the kids or myself, she would need to be contacted.

Anyway, I was really hurting when I found out she was with him that night. But after going out for drinks with a friend last night, he reminded me that I can't control what she does, and that I can be reassured that I have given 150% to this woman, more than most would ever do. And I have been totally honest through it all. The hardest thing is for me to let go. Everytime I think of her in bed with another man, it just makes me sick.

When do I ever get over this hurt?

Thanks, and sorry for the long post.

Elpro.....sorry for your situation. I am praying for you but others have much more insight to answer your questions. If you don't hear much here on Just Found Out, it might be good to move this over to General Questions II.

Ace