Long story short-She told me that she wants a divorce becuase she is not happy. I also did find out that she is involved with a co worker. She did tell me that she wants to explore and go out with that person because she has feeling for him and she wont do that if she is married so she wants out. (She has been unhappy and I know I have caused all that I realize that and am trying to change all that). I feel like I should confront the guy. and talk to him. She needs to slow it down. We can separate and try to see if things can be worked out but I am convinced this guy involvement is influencing this. What should I do.

I'm new here, but, if you can convince her otherwise, separation is a bad idea. Especially knowing that she's interested in some OM, you'd only be enabling her to have an A.

I guess you've read the articles about meeting her ENs? Keep doing that, and start with Plan A on trying to save your marriage.

God bless you, you're going to need the Lord to get you through this.

How long have you been married? Any children?

14 years. kids 5 adn 8. known her for 19 years. Icaused a lot of amotional damage to her in the past three years and finally she wanted out. This OM was just a side product not the cause.

Well, start in Plan A - showing her what a great husband and father you can be. Eliminate disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts.

What do you mean by emotional damage?

Is the other man married?

Other than reading and posting here, don't do ANYTHING until you purchase and read "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley, founder of this website.

Most all the advice given here is based on his principal, and some of what you must do is counterintuitive, such as NOT leaving or seperating as you are considering.

Just don't make any decisions until you learn about the Marriage Builder program, which will give you a PLAN to work from in reacting to this "choice" your W intends to make.

Best wishes,
SD

That sounds a bit like WS-Babble.

Internalize this: you are 50% responsible for the state of your M, but she's 100% responsible for her extra-marital activities. Did she at any time involve you in her decision to get emotionally involved with someone else?

My guess is that she's likely already involved with the OM in question, certainly at the EA level, if not PA.

Is the other man married?

trying,

Believer has asked a very good question. It needs to be answered since if he is married, exposing the A to his wife will go a long way toward breaking the fantasy.

Have you read the basic concepts?

What you need to remember right now is that her state of mind is BECUASE she is involved with the other man (OM), not the other way around. Just trust me on that.

Mark

Thanks for all the replies. He is not married. thi OM is not the reason we are splitting--She has been unhappy for years and finally could not go anymore and while this was coming to a final blow the OM on an emotional level appeared. She has told me that other people appreciate her and she wants to try it out and see if she can be happy there.

try,

Every single wayward spouse who ever got emotionally involved with another person said exactly those words..."I've been unhappy for ____ years" They also say "I love you but I'm not in love with you." and "Too much has happened for us to ever work out again." and a whole host of other things, many of which are actually listed in the banner add at the side of this web site. Anyone whose wife has ever had an emotional affair (EA) with another man has heard them all and a lot more.

I know she told you she wants to leave and it has nothing to do with OM, but, trust me on this, it has everything to do with OM. Her unhappiness, as she has learned to express it, is the result of her trying to justify in her own mind the destruction of your marriage.

I suggest you read up a lot as quickly as possible. Don't try to understand what is going on based on what she is saying. Don't try to "fix" this with a magic bullet or logic, none exists for this case.

Read all of the basic concepts, read the infidelity FAQs and read the top few posts on this forum. Pay close attention to Longhorn's thread for newly betrayed spouses. Read up on Plan A and ask questions quickly so that you understand it.

You have a window of opportunity to save your marriage. That window will remain open for up to two years from when her affair ends or until you decide to close it. Nothing is going to be instant gratification in this. Be ready to do some hard work if you want to save your marriage.

Do not confront OM. Do not pick fights with WW. The reason people asked if he was married was because if he was, you should quickly call his wife. If you are certain that he is single, you will have to pursue other options for exposure. These may include her parents, his parents, any siblings of either and even the HR dept where they work.

But I'm ahead of myself right now. Read, brother, read! Read the BCs and Longhorn's post and follow the links that he gives. Try really hard to not make any decisions in a hurry, especially about dissolving your marriage. ALL WSs say and do pretty much the same things and give pretty much the same excuses as to why. After you've been here two weeks you will begin to see that as another wave of men and women arrive after having their heart ripped from their chest by the one person they trusted above all others.

Hang tuff, man! I hope you see this tonight, since I just know you aren't going to be sleeping much for a few days at least...Been there, done that, got the tee shirt and the scars to prove it...I will check in here before work in the morning because I know how slow it can be at night. READ!

Mark

PS And what ever you do, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME. If she wants to leave, let her, but you stay put. If she does leave you do NOT pay for it in any way. She's going to tell you that she "needs space." What she wants is freedom to pursue her A with this coworker and you must not help her to have it.

Exactly what Mark said.

Also again, if you haven't already, purchase "Surviving an Affair" and read it.

Thanks so much Mark for your post. I have been reading a lot of stuff here in the website and trying to learn. I think the hardest part is to know that it is going to be a long drawn struggle that could still end in divorce etc. (She is planning to file for divorce right away).

Anyway, we talked and she is moving out. I suggested that and she is said it is temperory for few weeks and then she wants to move back to her house and wants me to move out. She makes good money too so financially this will not be a strain at all on her so that part is not a factor.

I have all the facts and know what has happened. Years of pain she delt with my attitude started this and then the emotional affair became the trigger point--sort of an enabler in this situation. We are pretty educated couple and it is very hard for me not to discuss this logically with her and try to reason it but as I understand now I should not. She has an emotional wall without any expression towards it. It is also frustrating that the other om(s) are enabling her to do this. But all I am trying to do after reading all this is to work on my LB and EN, studying BC and trying to get a life and bring about the change within myself so that my actionas speaks louder than words--with a hope that with time she will be able to see that.

As I also understand is that we both need space and for us we need to give space to sometimes rationalize all this and maybe understand it more so separation is needed here.

We are very cordial to each other in discussing details as they are coming up-at this time more logistical than anything else.

But all of this is very hard very hard for me. I am keeping it all inside and trying to work rationally. giving her the space and hoping to show that fixing my Lbs and working on EN will help show the light.

IT is very hard for me not to tell her over and over again-I love you and 19 years is worth something and two kids are worth fighting for this. but I cannot. She told me that the past 6 months she went through ****** trying to come to the decision to separate. I saw it but did not really pay attention. (She has not been sleeping and have goen to doctors, therapists for that).


Anyway--I am reading and I think the solution here is to take steps everyday.

One question I do have is that I want to do things like drop her quick funny notes, a flower here and there, maybe love/commitment notes. Is that OK? give her one rose.complement her.

Yes she wants to move out so she can continue screwing OM without your interference.

sure but she will continue doing this even she does not move or if I move. She wanted me to move but I convined her to move. Everybody is telling me that we both need space.

I can get mad about all this and try to take radical steps but I have to fix the foundation of these problems first. I have to act but not react. If I cannot bring about that change in me I CANNOT and SHOULD not expect her to change her mind about me at all. I cannot be selfish here. This current situation is years in making and I cannot undo the emotional distress in a day or week. I went to therapy and even my friends saw my behavoir towards my wife and finally I realized it (just before she wanted out).

so..at this time I have to work on me and fix those issues in me and hopefully she will notice. I have read in detail the surving affairs articles here and at other webites and while I can do all the snooping or try implement some plans, I cant win her back if I am the still old me.

QUOTE: "sure but she will continue doing this even she does not move or if I move."

Yep, so why push her to move out? If she is home, it will be harder for her to carry on an A.

QUOTE:"but I convined her to move"

Why?

QUOTE:"Everybody is telling me that we both need space."

"Everybody" is wrong. You need to do all that you can to meet her ENs and build up your balance in her Love Bank. You can't do that if you are living miles apart and only seeing each other in a lawyers office and in court.

QUOTE: "This current situation is years in making and I cannot undo the emotional distress in a day or week"

Bingo!

QUOTE: "so..at this time I have to work on me and fix those issues in me and hopefully she will notice"

Plan A in a nutshell.

Try not to spend all your time together talking about and arguing about the relationship. It won't fix anything.

Get Surviving An Affair and read it, ASAP. It will do much for your peace of mind.

Mark

Mark,

I understand your points but she wants a separation and I am not sure how to stop that. (Actually she wants a divorce). and people are telling me that we need some time apart to work it out and she needs to reflect and possibly see that if she missed me or the life she was in (I do know that she may not and be gone forever).

I am thinking now that I should move--so that she is with kids and somewhat busy in that respect. we still will be seeing each other daily anyways-becuase we both agree that we need to be with the kids every evening to help transition a possible future change so this separation is not totally separation. I am not justifying it but trying to explain as best as I can what is happening

on a side note, the last two days, I have changed my demeaner-nice to her, complementing her and she has said thanks to that and said she appreciates it.

we talked this morning and I gave her a rose but she did not like that one at all. She told me why I am doing that and I said just because I felt that she seems happy lately and for no reason and that I never did it before. She did say thank you and said you dont have to do that.

She is moving out by Friday and I cannot stop that. She wants to file for divorce and when I told her that by law the cooling off period is 60 days--she did not like that. She said she needs to understand this process and she will get a consulation from a legal person. But we agreed that we will be friends and will resolve this without any lawyers. She wants to sit down with me and work on dividing assets. I did say to her that we can work on final division as get closer to the 60th day but then again, today her mind is made up on us getting divorce. Complete emotional disconnect. She has been communicating with her friend-OM(emotional affair) and telling her that she cannot wait for this to be over and obviously to be with him

I am trying to be stick to my mantra on working on my LBS and EN but she does not seem to be receptive. It seems almost like I will have to wait if she does get into an actual relationship with this OM (whish she is and will continue)and hope for it to fail so I can catch her back but that is seeming to be a false hope.

Suddenly I feel extremely depressed-

had a long conversation with the wife last night. trying to work on separation logisitics. Please note that she told me about her feelings to go see people on her own-
few things that are happening.

-I am seeking help in terms of my marriage, personality. going to a therapist.
-She is going to a therapist
-She is definitely moving out and we will legally separate
-There is not one OM but few of them. She is not sure of anyone--se wants to explore and see. She is seeking peace of mind and happiness (her point). She is emotionally completely detached from me but is very open in discussions.
-I want to save the marriage but I am not desparate (it has been a roller coaster in the past few days) but I am at peace with all of it.
-I love her and will try to save the marriage by working on PLAN A (already doing it). (by the way--the exposing part of WS is not really going to apply--at least right away)
-I am not going to turn my life upside down in trying to save this but I will put enough effort to resolve. I am putting myself first.

I got a lot of help in the past few days on this board and also with going to professional folks locally. Every situation is different and one has to adjust accordingly. My first reaction was not shock but a feeling of desparation, then the next was how can I fix it today (by begging, pleading), then trying to fully understand the situation, and now accepting the reality and dealing with it. Guess what, this is NOT THE END of the world.

Wait a sec: Your WW is likely involved in an A, but you haven't exposed anything yet?

No wonder why she's playing so nice. She's trying to appease you as much as possible while she slips further into WW-mode. She is trying to disarm as much as possible one of the most effective anti-A weapons you have at your disposal: exposure.