Ok...short history here...

Found out about affair on Thanksgiving. WH asked for divorce immediately. Upon more discussion, WH said he would break it off with OW, but he needed some space. WH broke it off, but within a week, moved OW in with him. In January, because of WH's irrational spending, I filed for D. In February, WH began questioning if our marriage was really over, but never really came out and said he wanted to come home. He asked me to be nicer, and I did, but ended up getting hurt again, so I cut all contact off with him completely. WH. dragged me back into court last week to change temporary orders. Basically backfired for him. Set to go back to court on May 4th to reexamine temporary orders.

WH was back this weekend for the children. We did some arguing at first...then some talking... Finally it came out that he wants to come back home. He thought I was the one that wanted the dirvorce now. Told him that I really didn't want it, but I had to protect myself and the kids. Did a bit more chatting. We are both scared that we are going to be further hurt in this. He knows he has to break it off with OW and he has SAA with him right now. It's been stated that once the affair is over, then we can talk. Have talked to lawyer and let him know of the situation. Just waiting and holding my breath right now...

I want this nightmare to be over with, but I am so afraid to hope right now...

What do I do? Do I do anything but sit back and wait? Do I contact him occasionally? HELP...
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There is no hurry to do anything. What went wrong for him in the temporary orders?

I would let him know that you do want to recover your marriage, and that can only happen when the OW is completely out of the picture for good.

Don't get your hopes up until she is. My WH was back and forth between the OW and me for over a year. All it did was kill my love for him.

Once he splits with the OW, ask him to write a no contact letter and see if he agrees.

I will ask him to do that Believer. He let me talk about how hurt I was and he listened. I wasn't angry at him after being allowed to express all the hurt. Even he agreed that we won't talk further about things until after he breaks it off with OW. I just want to take this slowly and be certain that it is over with...

Stay quiet. Your WH has to make this choice on his own. What are YOUR conditions for recovery? Take your time, as believer says, there is no rush.

Let him come to you; if he is serious, he will, if he's not ready, he won't. Slow and steady wins the race...

If he wants to come back, insist on the no contact letter. It wouldn't be uncommon for him to want to keep both relationships going and continue to lie to you. Use his willingness on the NC letter to gauge his commitment.

Were you in Plan B? If so, and you wrote a Plan B letter, hold him to those conditions.

If you did not write a Plan B letter, you might consider doing so now, with all your conditions spelled out . (WS are not too smart - they have to have it spelled out and written down so they can refer to it again and again.)

with prayers,

Thanks for the help everyone...

I really wasn't prepared for this. I went sort of Plan B without a Plan B letter. I cut off all communication with him because I was hurt time and time again. I still loved him, but I was so tired of putting my neck out there again and again.

Yes, we have talked about him ending it with OW. That is the first step and he knows it. Once that is done, then we will talk further. I will start making a list of my terms of reconsilliation, things that I see that need to happen. I talked to my sister and she recommended the same.

I am so afraid right now. I want to believe in him, I really do, but I don't want to be hurt and disappointed as well.

I did call him today, but that was only in reference to a message that was left on our home answering machine. It had to do with a head hunter, and he wants to get back into the area. He did has finally realized that his job is not more important than his family. I felt it was important and I did call him with the contact information. I kept it light in conversation and did not press any relationship issues. He has agreed that he will call when he's ready and I have to honor that.

So, my wait continues...

I hope you aren't pulling back from the divorce just because he is making some nice sounding noises.

He needs to prove with more than words that his family is more important than the A and you all must know it beyond a shadow of a doubt as a result.

No wondering....you should all KNOW it, feel it, see it, hear it....it s/b evident and with commitment.

NOTE: WS' can't commit to save their souls but your true spouse would.

L.

No...I am not pulling away from the divorce right now. Our next court date is May 4th, so there is nothing much going on there right now. It's basically a wait and see thing right now. I have talked to my lawyer and right now, we aren't going to do a thing. Wisconsin has a reconciliation clause which both parties can invoke. At that time, all temporary orders and the divorce halts for 90 days for an attempt at reconciliation. Either party can end the reconciliation period at any time during those 90 days if they feel that reconciliation is impossible and the divorce proceeds where it left off.

So, right now, I do nothing. No walk...no halt to the divorce. Right now, I am in nothing more than a holding pattern...

Xetta -

I found this from an old post -

WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE WANTS TO LEAVE by Donald R. Harvey.

There's a chapter near the end about spouses who want to come home with lists of appropriate reasons to return, and inappropriate reasons that I think is right on target. It is written with the WS being a WH, so swap the pronouns/genders for your sitch.

Appropriate/right reasons:
-Definite resolution of the motivation that prompted the departure in the first place.

-A genuine desire to work on the problems in the relationship (this includes those problems created by the separation).

-A genuine remorse for the pain caused by the separation and a recognition of the need for forgiveness.

-A genuine acceptance of the personal role played (contribution) in the deterioration of the marital relationship.

-In the case of repetitive irresponsibility, demonstrated behavioral change over time.

Something else happened today as well...

My daughter had her therapy session today. I go in ahead of my daughter and I talked to her therapist about what happened this past weekend. I told her what I had asked of my husband and she was happy with me. She was happy that he may be snapping out of the fog and that I had set my boundaries. I did tell her that this is going to go slow and that I am not going to be rushed. She was genuinely happy for me and the break-through.

As I was leaving, I ran into my therapist (different lady). She has a few moments so I sent my daughter ahead to the car and we talked. I told her that H. wanted to come home. The first thing out of her mouth was "NO". I went on to try and talk to her about what we talked about this weekend and she kept shaking her head and repeating "no". WTF! Aren't therapists supposed to let you make your own decisions? I left more messed up than when I arrived. No, I am not going to make any rash decisions. Yes, I have looked into this legally. I am weighing my options carefully. I shouldn't have to defend my position with my own therapist, which is exactly what I felt like I was doing...

I did talk to a friend later on this evening and the friend told me that it was time to fire this therapist. I am really beginning to believe that might be the best decision. When I look back at my therapy, there have been other times when she has told me "No" as well. This isn't the first time...but I think it is going to be the last. I don't think she has any right to tell me that I can't have my marriage.

Sorry about the vent, but I think this therapist's goose is cooked...

I think you need to continue seeing your therapist. You have been seeing her since Thanksgiving, and she knows your situation more than we do.

I'm concerned about you because since you have been here, you have been jumping all over the place. First it was the EN forum, then General Questions. Then, instead of doing Plan A, you headed over to the Divorce forum, then to the After Divorce and Dating forum. Now you are back, and thinking about getting rid of your therapist.

Of course, when folks find out their world is falling apart, they DO jump all over the place, so some of that is normal. However, I think you owe it to yourself to discuss this with your therapist. The point of MB is not just getting a spouse back, but also getting them back with a chance at an improved marriage.

I agree with Believer. I would keep seeing your therapist. She might have a good reason for saying 'no' right now. As long as she is pro-marriage and is not of the opinion that a marriage should automatically end once there's been an affair, then question her as to why she is saying 'no'. Her 'no' might actually be 'not yet'. I've read book 'When the one you love wants to leave' which Believer quoted above. In that last chapter it talks about not accepting wooden nickles. Wooden nickles have no value. In other words, coming home for the wrong reasons have no value...and will only lead to more heartache. Your husband has to want to come home for the RIGHT reasons, and you have alot of power in your hands right now to make sure of that. You should definately state that you don't want a divorce and you want to save your marriage (if that's what you want) but your WH truly has to demonstrate his desire to come home through actions. The very first being to end his A.

We know this is tough but try to slow down. I've had people say 'no' to me to and at the time I thought - who are you to tell me what to do. And ultimatly you DO make the decision...but 'no' might just be the thing right now that will end up saving your marriage.

You don't feel safe with this therapist but you do need guidance. Ok, how to tell?

The therapist is suppose to help you learn how to cope. Ask the therapist how saying know is suppose to help you cope. Let her know her direction is frustrating you and ask is that her purpose? Hm.... let them tell you their plan for your recovery.

That's why Jennifer and Steve are soooo great. They really help the BS and even Xws with a personal recovery plan 1st.

L.

Xetta ~ my husband asked to reconcile twice.

The first time, I was like you, tiptoeing around, wondering what to do, HOPING I could believe in him, hanging around for days in limbo emotionally - I had a lot of questions because I had very little information FROM HIM.

It was a false recovery. H He wasn't really serious. He went back to OW for a bit and I filed for divorce.

The second time was the exact opposite. My husband came to me and said he would do whatever it took - and then he did it - immediately. I had NO doubt because he was very clear with his immediate actions that he meant business.

actions do indeed speak louder than words.

I guess what upset me the most about the discussion with my therapist was that she was just "No". I told her that he wasn't going to just walk back in and resume his place. No way. I have set my boundaries very clear right now and I do not expect this to happen immediately. He knows that he has to walk the walk. I have told him that I have to see it, not just hear it from him. I am not making any rash decisions and I am not changing my current plans to move back home. I have given this a lot of thought and H. has got to really prove that he wants this marriage better than ever. When I told her that I told H. that I would like him to get into therapy, she told me that even if he did 6 months worth of therapy, it wouldn't be enough. Is this her decision? No. It is my decision and I want my marriage. I will listen to her and respect her opinions, but honestly, she doesn't sound a bit pro-marriage at the moment.

Hi Believer,

I wanted to repley to your response about jumping all over the board. First, I know that I posted in a couple of different areas. I didn't exactly do a written plan A, but in a way, that is exactly what I did through December and January. I allowed my H. to come and spend Xmas with me and the kids. I tried to be as nice as possible, but I couldn't continue to get hurt as much as I was getting from him. After awhile, I accepted that a divorce would not kill me. I accepted the fact that no matter what happened, I would be ok. I relied only on myself and took care of my kids. I basically cut off all communication with WH. I took complete control of my own life and yes, my therapist was happy to see me reach that point. It was then, that WH. asked to come home. I never really wanted the divorce, but if it was going to happen, then I would still be ok with it.

Now WH. has asked to come home. He has dug himself one ****** of a hole right now and he's got a lot of work to do to get out of it. No, I am not going to rush into anything and I am certainly not going to give up the independence I have achieved. That is why I am weighing my options carefully. I am still planning on moving back to my hometown with my kids. WH. did spend Sunday afternoon sending out a resume to get a job in the area where I am moving to. It's a step in the right direction, but just a baby step. He's got some major running to do yet before it's all said and done.

You are right to take your time. There is no hurry at all. How was the marriage BEFORE the affair?