Hello there everyone, I'm 31 and my wife filled for divorce over christmas. She was and is still having an affair with another married man, who also happened to file for divorce 2 weeks after my wife did.

I've got my support network in place, have tried to reconcile, and done everything I could to save this marriage. We have lawyer and divorce is currently proceeding along, but nothing is final. My wife is too much into this other man to reconcile. My question is;

Should I inform the other wife of the man my wife is seeing? Hence the post title "Informing the 4th party?"

-I know so much about the affair, and have had access to privy info between my wife and her lover.

-I feel conflicted in that this "other" poor woman, who is getting divorced from her husband, just doesn't know much about the affair, if anything at all.

-I have no kids involved in my divorce. This other man and his wife have kids involved in their divorce.

-I've really just kinda want to stay out of it, but yet, she deserves to know the truth. I've never met this 4th party before.

-I feel like my wife could and would make my divorce even harder on me if she finds out that I spilled the beans to the 4th party.

-I would probably have to admit my access to my wife privy information for proof. This is something i'm not comfortable with.

Do i have an obligation to tell this woman? Or just let it go??? I feel caught in the middle. I have the knowledge of truth, written in their own words, and this other 4th party doesn't.

YES!!!

P3,

You already know the answer to this question. Go and do the right thing and feel good about yourself.

All the best,

Absolutely!
This poor woman is being destroyed behind her back -- she absolutely has the right to know that!

And to get what she deserves from the scumbag she is married to. And you never know -- maybe it will end the affair (bonus)

I would tell her and show her the proof. You don't owe your wife secrecy when she has set out to be a home wrecker. The affair will end anyway, and it is better that other man's wife know now when she may be able to do something.

guess I'm scared of the backlash from my wife and I'm not sure of the best way to let this OMW know about it.

I only have an email address to communicate with her. The only other option is drive to OMW town and knock on the door, if I could find her address, but then I run the risk of running into the OM, which would not be good for anyone.

The email I have for this OMW is her work email, I'd hate for her to have to read this while working (she's a school teacher). Imagine the horror of it and finding out through an email at work.

Wish I could find the strength to do this, but am not sure how to proceed in a way that is ok for me, and for OMW.

How much do I tell her?

How should I tell her?

I've had access to some personal info from my wife, and I'd probably have to show/give this to her, and this would get back to my STBXW. That could make my divorce even more difficult in my situation.

My STBXW wants nothing to do with me. We have no contact or communication. This has been her choice and she got a temp restraining order filled with crap to see to it that I don't talk to her and do not get to stay in our house. I've accepted that part, and truly believe the only way for any chance of reconciliation will be through God working in her. My heart is already there.

I'm just not sure and have a lot of fear in getting in touch with this OMW.

No one feels comfortable with informing the other betrayed spouse. You could email her at work to contact you re your divorce and her divorce.

How long have the two of you been married?

Ryan,

Exposer kills affairs. She will be mad. I was threatened with all kinds of things prior to exposure. I did it because it was the right thing to do and it did eliminate the fantasy of the affair for my WW. The affair will kill your marriage. Exposure will give you a chance and the time to put together a good Plan A. Expose.

When I called the OMW I simply asked her if she had any idea why I called. Then I simply told her that I was very sorry but our spouses were in an affair. We talked for 1-1/4 hour and I felt better than I had in weeks when we were done. I told her everything I knew and answered every question she had if I had knew the answer. I had questions for her too. She already knew something was wrong. She was very grateful for my call.

Expose to if you want to save your marriage. Otherwise you have the best seat in the house to watch your own humiliation and the end of your marriage.

Yeah, you better believe you should give that poor woman the information she needs to deal with the obscenity that has popped up in her life.

Exactly what backlash do you fear from your wayward wife that's worse than divorce? What in the world can she do to you that she hasn’t already done?

BTW, you don’t have to show the OMW everything you have. Physical evidence is good to have for a courtroom battle, but it’s not necessary when talking to OMW. Just telling her what’s going on may well be all she needs to know. Do you seriously think she won’t be receptive to hearing what you have to tell her?

Come on, man. Quit making excuses and just do it. She deserves the opportunity to deal with the truth and you know it.

Do you have some tremendous amount of assets to fight over? How will telling this poor woman the truth make your divorce "more difficult"?

How? What will be more difficult? She's already not speaking to you and filed a restraining order. What more difficulty could there be?

And this just MIGHT save your marriage -- and the other couples....

There are CHILDREN involved in this other marriage....how can you let your wife destroy their family and do nothing to stop her?????

P3Ryan, do the right thing and tell this woman the truth so she can protect herself from your W and her H. They are destroying she and her children behind their backs. Telling her the truth may give her the ability to protect herself.

I appreciate the responses, and agree with you. My wife and I have been married 7 sevens years. She filed 3 months ago, I learned of the affair 6 months ago. My wife begged me not to go to this other woman, she said she's a psycho and will see to it that the OM will never see his kids again. I should have told OMW then, but would've done anything to give my wife a chance.

Now I know my wife is a liar and a cheater. but those words still haunt me. I would be the catalyst for a world of pain to another divorcing marriage with kids involved.

My biggest concern is that I have had access to my wife's email and this borders on invading her privacy. To show the OMW, I would have to show her this, which would get back to my wife. my wife's lawyer is the jerky, intimidating, take everyone to court kind. My lawyer is a "let's get this done and not waste time" kind. I fear that she could take me to court for checking her email against her knowledge and sue me or something....on top of everything else.

We don't hardly have any assets... we have mostly debt!!

What do you all think? Have any of you exposed using information obtained from email accounts from your spouse etc... against your spouses wishes? Can you get into legal trouble for this? This is what scares me.

Your would NOT be the catalyst for anything. Your wife and OM would be that.

You really don't understand how typical this wayward behaviour is do you?

There is a chance OM'sW will know in her heart anyway and you won't have to "prove it"

But even if you do, what price do you put on your own integrity. This poor woman is being damaged behind her back and you won't lift a finger.

Your wife doesn't want privacy, she wants secrecy. No one is entitled to that.

Don't reveal specifically where you obtained the information.

Man up!!

No, her husband and your wife, who are having an affair, are the catalyst for pain. Telling her the truth enables her to protect her children from the infidels.

Exposing the affair may also very well ruin the affair and bring these children's father back and their family back together. He may very well DUMP your wife when this comes out.


What "privacy?" She is your wife so she does not have a right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

P3,

I haven't posted in a long time, but reading your situation I have to chime in.

Please, listen to the others and inform the OMW!! The only way you can beat this monster is with a strong ally. You can not get any stronger than the OMW. Do not listen to the "She's a psycho" bable, think of all the lies and deceipt that have had to go on in order to pull the A off... think of how you are portrayed to the OM, I am sure not as the man/husband you truly are.

I am telling you this because I bought into this and I truly regret it now. It may have been one of the biggest mistakes that I made and I hate to see someone else having to be where I am at today.

I made the mistake of confronting the OM in an attempt to try to get him to come clean to his wife. He told me if that happened he would never see his kids again. I told him it would be better coming from him than from me at which point he said that if I told her he would come after me lol. I didn't put much stock into that until about 2mins after I got off the phone with him and WS called to say if I told OMW that WS would kill herself. I rationalized at the time and thought that if she was crazy enough to kill herself that he might be crazy enough to kill me, leaving my 3 kids without a mother or father. So, I didn't pass the information on.

Please, tell the OMW as soon as possible. You don't have to give all of the information in the e-mail that you send, just tell her who you are and that you need to talk to her concerming her M. Set up a time to get together and present her with all of the information you have. Work together as a team.

I will be praying for you, it is not too late to act.

-BB

Ryan, you've got to understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. Your WW is not asking for privacy. She's asking for secrecy, and secrecy *will* destroy your marriage.

Privacy = I'm going to take a nap, or take a shower, or use the toilet. You'll know what I'm doing; I'll just be alone while I'm doing it.

Secrecy = I'm doing stuff that I don't want you to know about.

Please make sure you are very, very clear on the difference.
Mulan

I sent an email out the the OMW today. I'm scared, but am glad I did it. Things are in motion now. We'll see if she calls or emails back. I'm nervous. Thanks for all your support here. I'll keep everyone updated.

BRAVO RYAN...You did the right thing!!! YOU DA MAN!!!

Mrs. W

Good for you P3_Ryan....Don't be surprised WHEN she:
1. Tells you she was going to work on the R and M but now it's over!!
2. Tells you you blew it, you embarassed her and she is through.
3. Threatens Divorce, separation, moving out, throwing you out.

She is going to be ANGRY!!!!! Very Angry!!!!!

Here is your Mantra..."I have and will do whatever I need to to protect our Marriage and Family. I am only concerned about that nothing else."

Way to go Ryan... please read what HaP wrote over and over.

Here is your Mantra..."I have and will do whatever I need to to protect our Marriage and Family. I am only concerned about that nothing else."

The WS is not going to like this at all, but your WIFE would respect you so much for fighting for your family.


-BB