I am entering Plan B shortly. I know what it means in terms of my personal well being, but how effective is it on the WS when the WS will continue to receive financial support from the BS?

You are the BS and you are still supporting your WS?

Sorry to ask but why?

In my humble opinion you continuing supporting the WS is just enabling the A.

It desnt make much sense to go Plan B and continue to give financial support.
If you can call it plan B at all.

Do you know what plan B is and how you prepare for it?

As for financial support, this is not part of plan B. Financial support is separate. You can choose NOT to allow your finances to support the A. You should keep obligations as required by the law.

L.

VR109, you shouldn't finance her affair so pay her nothing.

Have you exposed the affair to your wife's family, the OM's family and their employer? Exposure ruins affairs so you can't skip that step. Make life as hard as possible for the OM!

OK,
Some of you know who I am, apparently, some do not.
Anyway, please just answer the question I posted.
As to the support, it is court ordered. And because of it, I may end up having to eat pet cuisine for dinner.

How much support do you pay per month and how much is her rent+carpayment. She only makes around $1000 a month after taxes, right?

Okay, I'll just answer your question, since you seem 2 insist on not providing us with much useful information.

How effective is plan B on the WS?

Not important. That's the answer. It's for YOU and your well being, not for the WS.

You've only been around for a little over a month. You should still plan A as much as you can. You say she's filed for DV. You should be focusing on preparing yourself for that. Do you want a DV? If not, stall it as long as you can, and continue 2 plan A as often as you can.

I don't recall whether you've ever answered questions posed 2 you about exposure. Did you expose the A? If you didn't, why the he11 not?

Do you have kids? How long have you been married? How old are you?

All things 2 consider particularly with a WS who's already filed for DV and appears 2 be "happily" moving on. You need 2 determine for yourself whether you think saving this marriage is worth your effort, versus letting her go and moving on without her.

-ol' 2long

Hey, someone remembers who I am.
Yea, she makes roughly that. The court ordered to pay a 1000 month.

You know who I am and my story. I even gave a BIG clue in one of my last post. I don't need to be preached at about the true purpose of Plan B. I know it is mostly for me, but it is also to save the M. If we went into it without to intent of saving the M, why bother with plan B?
I am looking for an answer to my question and ONLY that question.

ol' 2long,

Of all people, you should realize who you are talking to. He left a clue as to who he was in his post. He's been at this since January now, and plan B is his best option right now.

I have no idea who you are.

But here's my thought: Don't mess around with ANYthing court ordered.

Just don't go OVER... in any way that SUPPORTS the affair.

PS: Money isn't everything and she'll still have to deal with the reality of living without you. You'd have to pay court ordered support either way.

JMHO

The fact that you have to pay spousal support doesn't make your WW face the full financial consequences of her actions, but she is pretty irresponsible anyway, and I don't think the financial aspect alone was ever going to snap her out of the fog. Still, $25K a year doesn't go very far in your neck of the woods. She'll still feel some impact in addition to the added responsibility of having to take care of ALL her finances by herself. Even if she didn't get spousal support, she probably would have just racked up a substantial amount of credit card debt that she wouldn't have had to feel the impact of until after you were divorced.

I think the biggest thing she will miss is having you to fall back on when OM is done with her or she comes to terms with what the OM has done to her. He will be through with her shortly, and it will be hard for someone else to accept her the way she is now (unless she hides it from them). She'll miss you when you are gone and she'll be afraid that no one will want her anymore. This is powerful coming from someone that clings onto people quickly. I think that she'll come running back to you when OM is through with her.

h'DOING!

I sit corrected.

But I didn't realize that you were having 2 pay support.

Maybe that's what threw me off, and why I forgot who you were (that's my working excuse, at any rate <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

Is the court-ordered support for the interim, or is it long term (after the DV is final). And if the latter, why? - since you've got no kids and she has the skills 2 support herself. ...and you live in CA and should be able 2 split your assets, such as they are, 50/50, then go on with your long life expectancies...

I still say that plan B is only 2 protect you, not influence her. Plan B can have positive influences on the WS, of course, but those are still 2ndary 2 removing you from the WS/OM insanity.

When you do go 2 plan B, you'll still have several months before the DV is final.

What you do with yourself during that time should be more important than pondering what she might do with it.

So, my answer 2 your question, even knowing who you are and what's going on, is still:

It's not important.

Not until she meets the conditions in the plan B letter, and not before she's had some time 2 think seriously about them.

Until she does, if she does, you use the time 2 prepare a life for yourself without her in it. But you also remain receptive if she meets the conditions in the plan B letter and is willing 2 do whatever it takes 2 rebuild the M.

Not rocket surgery.

-ol' 2long

Or brain science, I suppose.

I understand your point and it is valid. Just wondering how it will effect the WS given that Plan B is supposed to cut off all of her EN's. I know it isn't important, but I always wonder about these things. You know that.

The order will be for two years. Given everything else, I am actually going to come out ahead on this.

I won't address how Plan B will help you since you seem comfortable with that part.

As far as your wife, I think it depends a lot on what her emotional needs are and how they're ranked. The higher up (more important) financial support is to her, the less impact your Plan B will have because you've been compelled to continue to support her.

However, Plan B will ensure that she's not getting any of her other needs met by you and if her top needs are more along the lines of admiration, affection, conversation then that will dump the whole load into the the OM's lap to meet. I do remember you and I think the OM might not really want that much of an investment in time/energy.

In that case, I'd say it would have a much greater effect.

Mys

Point being:

Any BS choosing plan B must give at least equal weight 2 the 2 possible outcomes: a) you recover your M, or b) you end up divorced.

Considering she's filed already, and you've had a court appearance, the DV is well under way. So, more likely than not, you'll be DV'd by this fall.

I'm just suggesting that you be prepared for THAT, as it's the most likely outcome, and that you worry a lot less on what effect, if any, plan B is having on your STBXWW.

Removing yourself from the drama of having the A under your nose every day must include restricting yourself from dwelling on it when you've already physically removed yourself from it by going 2 plan B.

Ask us about the benefits of plan B 2 the BS. Let your W ponder the implications of your plan B letter 2 a WS.

-ol' 2long

Well, 2 years isn't that long, ac2ally. So, a total of 24K?

Problem is that it wi9ll "enable" her in effect, by partially meeting her need for financial support.

But you and I both know she's got more needs than that, and that OM will not want 2 meet them long term.

-ol' 2long

We will see where this goes. As of right now, she has pretty much moved back in with the OM. And I suspect, but am not 100% sure, that they are going to try the living together thing once I am gone.

Her roommate in her apartment is moving out, taking with her the beds she was going to use....she seems really unconcerned about that.

It seems the A is hitting the peak. We will see how long they sustain orbit.

I hear ya...but I am not in Plan B yet, so I am going to wonder and dwell. LOL

Financial EN is not top for her.
As for the DV, at this point it is a legal/paperwork issue. That aspect of it no longer bothers me.

Not to be indiscreet, but perhaps just a FEW facts would help people understand what you are asking and what they are answering.

VR's WW is having PA with a man whose lives near enough to them that it is basically like "Bye honey--going to have my A now" and then she walks to his house. The OM is basically emotionally and mentally unstable, and violent--which has put VR in a precarious situation. Most OM are pretty scummy creatures--this guy is "dirty deeds done dirt cheap" scummy. Also, as most creatures of the night, he is not your solid, dependable, "I want a long-term committed relationship" type--he's more of the "I just want my jollies and to get back at VR" type. VERY SICK.

Now, as you may imagine, WW is completely fogged in and can see none of that. She has filed some sort of legal papers, and in an effort to protect himself and their marital property as much as possible, VR was required to participate. It was during that legal business that an amount was assigned which he must pay for spousal support.

Soooooo...there is a violent OM involved
...there is a completely fogged in WW involved
...there is legal action involved, to which VR has responded.

The consensus has somewhat been that due to the OM's nature, once he discovers that WW is not a deep well of money and that "having her" does not get back at VR, that he will drop her like a hot potato and she will then hit bottom. Thus, a very deep and silent Plan B for VR is just the ticket! #1) he can avoid OM's violence and remove himself from that whole situation; and #2) he can protect the marital assets etc. from the creep; and #3) WW will see OM's character faster. Once she begins to de-fog, VR is more than willing to save the M and whilst she was fogged, he took steps to protect it!!

* * * * *

Soooo...all that being said, your question VR was "how effective is Plan B if the WS is receiving financial support from the BS?" Obviously the most effective Plan B would be "you made these choices and now you must find a way to live with the consequences of your choices" and have absolutely NO financial support whatsoever. That would be the IDEAL. However, with the world the way it is now, usually one or the other infidel gets some sort of child support or spousal support or SOMETHING from the other.

Therefore, a Plan B that has spousal support requirements will not be as effective as NO financial support, because the WS will not crash as quickly. But, I guarantee you, they do still crash and that Plan B can still be VERY effective.

Right now, your WW may think of OM as "daring" or exciting because he's dangerous...but right now she's got the stability and safety net of you. She knows that if she gets into some serious, scary stuff, you'll be there for her. Furthermore, she has half/some of her needs met by you and then some/more of her needs met by him. Well, if he has to buy her groceries, clean up after her, cook dinner, pay her bills--he will tire of her QUICKLY!!! Out she'll go!!! If he has to provide attention, affection, communication, admiration--all the EN's--and NONE are met by you, he will never be able to do it.

The main difference is that if she had NO financial assistance, she would have no way to live/support herself. This way, it would be a pretty crummy place and she can't really support herself on the amount you are ordered to give, but for a little while she'll try. And my GUESS is that she'll use her money for dinners out, going out, drinking and other B.S. rather than rent and bills--so that when rent and bills come around, she'll probably come crying poor to you. See how this Plan B will work? "Sorry honey--you chose OM. He needs to take care of you now."

Finally, VR, I will only say this once. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and get to a safe place. This storm will blow over, and your job is to protect you and yours until the storm is over. Just obey the court order and send only the ordered amount and not one penny more for any reason.

Your faithful friend,


CJ