I am FWW, my H is in RA (possibly only EA, but I think it is PA as well). He has been waffling on making a decision to save the M or not. We are still living together and have been having SF. He comes and goes as he pleases, and we (DD & I) never know if he's coming home or not.

While I realize that MY actions and behaviors have assisted in his vulnerability to his RA, I also feel that I need to take a stand for our family. I think it is time to set boundaries. But ...

I need help. I am having a difficult time making boundaries instead of demands. How do I set my boundaries for ME and MY FAMILY, instead of demands for my H?

Here is what I have so far:
1. I will not have sex with H again until he's confessed his A and been checked for STDs.
2. I will not allow the attitudes of a WS in our family's home (myself included). (maybe I need to be more specific here?)
3. I will not allow careless spending to affect our family's finances.
4. I will not allow DD to be affected by wayward behaviors - she comes FIRST! (maybe more specific here too?)

Advice? Suggestions?

Ultimatums are an effort to control someone else's behaviour.

Boundaries are all about controlling your own behaviour and usually involve removing yourself from, or refusing to participate in, a negative/harmful situation.

For example:
1. I will not have sex with H again until he's confessed his A and been checked for STDs.
Okay, you can enforce that boundary by simply removing yourself from his presence and refusing to get involved sexually with him.

Now, how, exactly, do you propose to enforce the rest of these boundaries?
2. I will not allow the attitudes of a WS in our family's home (myself included). (maybe I need to be more specific here?)
3. I will not allow careless spending to affect our family's finances.
4. I will not allow DD to be affected by wayward behaviors - she comes FIRST! (maybe more specific here too?)
Mulan

Yeah - #1 was the only sure one, wasn't it?

2. I'm not sure about ... need to rethink this one.
3. Separate money so that his careless spending doesn't affect paying bills on time.
4. Not sure about this either ... what I want is for her not to wonder why Daddy didn't come home last night when she knew he was in town. How can I protect her from these sorts of things?

I feel like my boundaries have to be for both DD & me since she isn't old enough to establish her own. I want them to be fair boundaries, not selfish demands. Maybe #4 is a selfish demand?

time, make no mistake - the things you want are all very good and perfectly reasonable. In fact, you have a responsibility to yourself and to your DD to see that they happen.

The sticky part is, "What are you willing to do to protect your boundaries?"


Yes, more specific. How exactly will you protect you and DD from this? If he refuses to stop being a WS, but also refuses to leave your home, you have no choice but to remove yourself and DD from the home if that's what it takes to get WS and OP out of your lives. Are you willing to do that?


Also very good. How, exactly, can you protect yourself from this? Have you separated your finances so that he cannot touch your part of the family money?


Again, see #2. You are absolutely right with all this, but just saying these things to a WS will have NO effect. You must think about the practical side and plan what you are actually willing to do.

There are others here who are good with boundaries. Keep posting and we will all try to help you. I've noticed that many, many BS have great difficulty understanding and implementing boundaries and it's always a subject of interest around here.
Mulan

I suppose the first thing to establish is IF we are separated or not before moving forward with many more boundaries. He says we are, but we still live together, sleep together, and sleep in the same bed - that isn't separated to me. After we establish this, we can move on with more boundaries.

I just met with my IC and have Boundary #1 & #3 in place until the separation is decided.

P.S. In answer to your question about Boundary #3 - I have opened my own bank account and redirected my paycheck into it.

Woah. I would suggest that Boundary #1 would be, "I will not sleep with and/or have SF with a man who does not consider himself to be married to me." If he won't leave the bedroom, then YOU find yourself a nice comfy couch!

He is still living with you and sleeping with you but insists you are "separated"? I assume that's because if you are "separated" then it's okay for him to date, right?

He is still living with you and sleeping with you but insists you are "separated".

Woah. The insanity is thick with this one.
Mulan

Would you call it FOG? Or just justification for a revenge A?

Either way - no more sleeping together (in any form) until there is a re-commitment to the M. Question is, how do I get an answer to the separation question without making it an ultimatum?

Last week in a txt my H also made it clear that we are "separated" but also said he was not dating anyone in the same txt!I responded that while it is true that we are separated,that didn't mean he was single!I think that they can rationalize their behavior if they are "separated!"

Even if you are legally separated, you are still legally MARRIED.

Married people do not date unless they are quite willing to risk destroying their marriage.

Of course you are not "separated" and even if you were that does NOT make it okay for him to date or have a revenge affair.

If he wants to date other women, he needs to get himself DIVORCED.
Mulan

While you and I agree on this topic, others here would disagree. The advice that I get regarding this sticky situation varies. I already had an A, and hate who I was during that time. I am doing as much as I possibly can to make myself a better person - one who is no longer vulnerable to someone outside my M. I know how vulnerable he is right now, but that doesn't make it ok. Hence the boundaries. I will not enable an affair. (Sounds like a new boundary ...)

So, how do I define this new boundary - "I will not enable his affair"?

What do I do that enables it?: I haven't confronted him or OW about it. I haven't exposed (is this even appropriate in my sitch?). I allow a "revolving door" policy of come and go. I wait around for him to come home to me & DD, even though he's always late [from being with OW].

So - how do I make this boundary more clear, precise, and understandable to a WS?