Hi Everyone,...just trying to sort out my thoughts and recently Ive just been feeling nothing______________. I feel like Ive flatlined.

Things with my M are pretty much calm. Weve gone back to church for the last 3wks. Weve just set up IC along with our MC. I feel we are moving forward in our recovery, I just feel lost.

The sorrow for what I have done is still there, but thats just about it. I love my H and want my M to work, I just cant seem to figure out where I am right now. I have always felt I needed to take care of my H emotionally and even more so since d-day. Im not so sure I want to anymore.

Does anyone have any insight to what this is I may be feeling, anyone ever feel this way? Im so confused!

Trigirls,
feeling nothing is a very common feeling.... that numbness inside that you think will never go away.... i can tell you it does.... sometimes you just have to go through the motions and the feelings come later..... if you fall and cut your leg does it heal right away? most of the time you will even have a scar to remind you of the incident..... well the numbness is just one of many stages to come... but keep plugging away.... it does get better.

LITW

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Maybe its shame but I dont feel inadequate or unworthy. I fear my H thinks that I am.

I think I was hoping that the work Ive been doing with myself would start to fill part of the void I feel in my heart, and it hasnt. It feels so hopeless.

My feelings have gone from strong and able to tredge through this mess no matter what, to wanting to finish off my bottle of Xanax, to now nothing. I say nothing but I know I feel something, just unsure what it is.

I feel empty and fear I have nothing left to give my family. Im tired! How do I, or do I tell my H this?

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I say I fear that is what he thinks,....it could be because its what I believe, but I realy dont think so. If anything I feel not good enough,....hmmm aka inadequate? Duh!

Ive been telling myself everyday that I am good enough, just as I am. If I have to tell myself that everyday,...isnt that tricking your mind, kinda like fog? So would it be actions in my life that would make me feel good enough? And how do I do that if I can barely get my butt out of bed? Determination I suppose.

I bet then I would feel like I had something to give to my family if I truely felt I was good enough.

Our IC/MC thinks I need to get a part time job or take classes and that will fix alot of my issues. Not so sure about that, but who knows.

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(((NOW)))

Thank you! I dont think you should have to apoligize for who you are,...sounds to me like youre a great person. I think we all have wounds around our hearts, and some heal faster than others do.
Thank you for the wise insight to my feelings. You can always lean on me if you need to.
Tri~

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Absolutely,...Ive often felt the same thing about forums like this. They can be very harmful to ones sense of self ecspecially if they are in a fragile state. I guess that would explain why I get so irritated with posts that are made without much compassion, but also understand that the responses like that are done out of pain.

I have also looked into my childhood and have had to discover some very hurtful and not so nice things. Huge inadequacy issues. Nothing I did was ever good enough. As a little girl my sister and I had the fisher price barn with the animals and a seasame street playhouse. My mother would flip out if we mixed them up when we picked up our toys. She would say," How many times do I have to tell you that Bert and Ernie dont belong in the barn!" I would make my bed, she would remake it. I would help her fold the towels and she would refold them because the werent right. TMI I know,...sorry!
So now I have all these things and I understand them and why she was like that, but now what do I do with them? Good question for the IC I think.

How much work have you done with your past? Are you currently in counseling?

My H is always saying,...I think those are your feelings, not mine. I find it all very interesting, and very sad at the same time.
Tri~

For people who are Christian, consider this:

Can you ever "earn" God's Love? Or is it most important to simply accept that you are loved by Him?

If you can accept God's love... the just try to accept your husband's love, in the same way, letting go of the "i need to earn it" guilt.

For folks who are NOT Christian, consider this:
Wouldn't you like it best, if someone loves you "for who you are", not what you do for them?
Trying to "earn" love, is setting up a situation, where someone will love you only for as long as you keep "earning" it. Is that really a situation that you want to perpetuate?

If someone DOES love you for you who are.... that is a gift. Accept it gracefully. Reward them, by first and foremost, accepting the gift, with grace. If they truely love you... the thing they want most from you... is for you to simply accept their love.
So... do so.
Hopefully, just not in a way that honors that gift, by not "taking it for granted", and abusing them.

PS: if you "dont feel loved" by your husband...
perhaps you should sit down, and think about what WOULD make you feel loved, and write that down. and share that with him.

A pre-scripted way to do that, would be to go over the "emotional needs" questionnaire, but that's not the only way.

beyond that, is the possibility that he is already doing things for you, but you just refuse to believe it.
That is a form of "rejecting his gift".


Or, maybe that's just your way of putting yourself down, through others. You dont want to admit to yourself that is how you feel about yourself. So you set yourself up an adversary to blame, for your feelings.


Please listen to him.
You dont truely know his feelings. he is telling you that is not the way he feels. try to accept that he is telling you the truth, and "own" your own feelings.

PS: what you wrote was not "TMI - too much information". You have nothing to be sorry about. It was good information to share.

I get the same thing,...and I struggled so much with that, because I really didnt know, and now it doesnt really matter what I was to OM.

I really think its action that will help. Be it getting a pedicure or a massage. Getting a job, taking a class, anything like that. A prior IC once told me that I was depleated and needed to fill myself up with these types of action, so that I had something to give to my family.

If I was depleated and never did anything for myself, then how was I to have anything for my family. And she was right and it worked while I did it,...I just dont think I did it long enough to actually get to the point where I believed for myself.

Do you like pedicures? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Tri~

Post deleted by notonlywords_

there is a difference between "the feeling of romantic love", and "being loved by someone".

I believe Tri is talking about "being loved by someone".

This is not the same as that person "being in love with you".

Love bank deposits, are for building up the feelings of romantic love, aka being "in love".

you can love someone, without being "in love" with them.

Ladies,

May I barge in and offer you both some thoughts? Surely not answers but just some thoughts based on what I have seen/read on this site over the years.

I once wrote to a poster here a long time ago who seemed to feel much as you two do. It seemed to change her perspective and maybe it will yours. I told her quite simply that you have been judged by your H and your family, and the judgement is that you are WORTH all of the pain, all of the doubts, and all of the effort. I asked this lady to talk to her H about this and she did. And do you know wht she found out??? He had wrestled with many things but when it all got said and done, he felt she was WORTH it all.

I think what you two may not be seeing is that there is outside validation of you and your efforts and it is coming from your H and your family. You two are NEEDED and LOVED. Or your H would not be where he is in this marriage.

I would also like to point out that you both have an obligation to your H and yes your family. And that is to enjoy and make enjoyable the rest of your life. I can assure you NOTHING will heal your H's so much as seeing you smile, seeing you happy, seeing you enjoy and sharing your life with them.

Trigirls I don't pretend to know what is really bothering you as you yourself are not sure. But, what I do know is that your H chose you before, and he is choosing you now. He has determined that you are WORTH it all. Please think about this.

There is one last comment I would like to make. It has been posted here many times over the years by people that had an A or were the BS, that they were confused. What confused them was their marriage was doing much much better after the A, than before. And what bothered them was that it took the A to make the marriage better.

The response has always been it was not the A, but the response to the A that has made the marriage better. It forced open communications about very difficult subjects, thus lesser ones were also now discussed. I will also say that an A causes a reevaluation by both parties. This reevaluation is of themselves and their spouse. And IF the partners decide that they will work to rebuild the marriage, it is a strong statement of how the other person values them.

I think Trigirls that you have been validated as someone your H values very much. NOW, I think the same with your situation. Trigirl, you don't need to help heal your H, you really need to love him and make a good life with him. It is all he really wants. He knows you cannot "make up" for what happened, there is no way. But his assessment clearly indicates that he feels you two can be very happy together in the future, which starts NOW (pardon NOW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

Please think about this. I feel you may be rejecting what your H has clearly indicated to you.

God Bless,

JL

Techie,
I think youre right,and I try to believe my H words...its my own feeling of not being good enough that Im learning to work through, and it is such a toughy. How does one learn to feel like they are good enough just as they are? Is it a frame of mind? Is it in your actions as an individual? Where does it come from?
Tri~

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