I'm not an expert on that.. but I do have thoughts that might help.

I think that it would help, to let go of the whole concept of "good enough" altogether.
To just look at who you are right now, and what you are doing, and what you have done.. and say to yourself... "those are things that I have accomplished. those are positive things that I have done. I have had a positive impact".

Allow yourself to feel good, about doing good.

I think that's why your IC recommended getting a job, or take classes. Because that will give you more concrete stuff to look at, and say to yourself, "look! I can do positive things. I dont need to 'work on myself' until i meet some arbitrary, fuzzy "good enough" standard... I can do positive things, right now, as who I am right now"

It's all about attitude. Even the lowliest job, can be fulfilling, if you have the right attitude about it.
If you live up to the "service" in "customer service", you can know that you had a positive impact on someone.


WARNING!!!

Dont just keep piling on more and more stuff for yourself to do, "until you feel good about yourself".

That's just a varient of "keep working until i'm good enough".

find a sane level of things to do... and then do your best at just those things.. and allow yourself to feel good about what you are doing, without taking on more.

Post deleted by notonlywords_

depends on your definition of "success".
The harleys say that all marriages should have the 'in love' feelings, and that all marriages CAN HAVE those feelings, if both partners work at it.

But that's a different issue than what Tri is dealing with here right now, i think.

(good question.. but go post on your own thread about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

Thank you! I will continue to work hard with this, until I believe for myself that I am good enough and worth it.
This forum has been an absolute blessing from God. I dont feel quite so alone.

Ok I really have to go pick up my house now, been on long enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

When you feel this way why not go and love your husband and children and remember how fortunate you are to have people who have stood by you when in all right they could have bolted. Behavior follows actions in a lot cases.

NOW,

You said
I did not say your SELF-worth should hinge on someone else. I said you should consider that others find WORTH alot. However, I think you are wrong on several counts. So let me explain my thinking.

First, I can assure you that I could mentally break you, if I had control of your life. It would be no problem to find your weakness and then exploit them to constantly reinforce your lack of worth until you had NO self-worth. It has been and can be done.

So if you even consider my statements above as a possiblity, then it is also true that I/someone else can have some influence on your self-worth. One should not live just to please other people I think we both agree on that. But, constant negative reinforcement will destroy just about anyone's self-worth.

My point is that your self-worth IS dependent to a degree on your H's feelings that you do have WORTH. Your feelings are probably going to be more dependent on what you do now and in the future. For example, if you decided (and yes it is a decision) that you will accept your H's love, and the love of your family, and you give back to them that much or more love, I think you would begin to find value in yourself. I think it would make you happier in your life, because most all of us really enjoy helping others and seeing them end up happy.

I think those actions would change your perspective on your worth, or your self-worth if you will.

By the same token if you chose to ignore all outside influences, and just focus inward, you can destroy your own self-worth OR you can end up with a very inflated view of your own self-worth. Actually, studies are now showing that the self-worth movement from the 80's in education is producing kids that are WORTH far less than they should be.

NOW, all of this is your call. It is all in how you choose to view it. But, I would suggest and did suggest, that the fact that others feel you have real value and worth in their lives is a very important piece of information to consider when evaluating your self-worth.

Have you noticed that worth and self-worth are being mixed in my answer? It is because self-worth rarely has value in a vacuum.

I look forward to your thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Post deleted by notonlywords_

NOW,

You said
To quote a famous TV/Movie character. "That is very illogical" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

If one single negative comment can bring you down, then I would suggest that outside input is actually too important to you. But, as you said you selectively hear it. 10 good ones wiped out by 1 bad one.

You see what you are telling me or what I am hearing is that you have placed filters in the way of information coming into you. These filters are allowing you to ignore 10 good comments (filtering them out) while accepting 1 bad comment (amplifying this input).

This may be a self-esteem issue, but you are feeding your self-esteem a steady diet of negative thoughts, thus your self-esteem is low. My question to you is, what is the pay off from reinforcing negative input while ignoring positive input?

Could it be that it lessens the pressure for you to perform?
Could it be that it allows you to accept less than optimal interactions with people and yourself?
Could it be that it removes from you the obligation and need to be happy?

Could it be..... any number of things?

You need to drill into this abit. I will stop with the observation that while not everyone is happy, most (including you) deserve to be happy. It is just that you don't think that is true. So one last could it be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Could it be that you are punishing yourself?

If that is the case, then you are actually punishing your family and H more, why would you do that?


You are more than welcome but what I hope is that my thoughts have some value. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

So much in this thread resonants with me...I suspect that it does with many WS/FWS...Kinda goes with the territory I believe...I am determined to change this in myself...Leaving behind all of the self defeating thoughts...forcing them out when I have to...Being happy is a choice and choosing it is a gift to ourselves as well as all of those around us...(lather, rinse, repeat...LOL)<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I saw something on Oprah today that I think will be helpful to me and hopefully to you guys also...I would try and explain it, but I think it would be better explained by the link...Check it out and see what ya think... www.acomplaintfreeworld.org (click on and read the stuff about the "complaint free bracelets"-I ordered mine today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Mrs. W

Post deleted by notonlywords_

But NOW,

You are an adult now. I won't argue any of your conjectures. But the reality is that you set your own future. You are no longer a victim. You are in fact very loved by your H and family.

It seems to be in the air these days, but I posted today something to MoM, now known as MAZ, on this. I will try and copy it here. But, it seems to me that Survival and Sanity now depend on you letting this go. It depends you on you allowing yourself to be loved and love back. It is seeing that you do have worth, and even when you did something very painful to another human being, you are loved by him.

Doesn't that validate YOU? Doesn't say that you are needed and have worth? Doesn't that say you are also capable of inflicting a lot of pain as well? NOW, you are not the victim now.

But, in reality your family needs you in their life. Not because you were a victim, or that you had an affair, but because you are a good person and they want you in their lives. They do have choices you know and they made theirs. When are you going to make yours?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Here is a post I made to MoM or MAZ on recovery. It is at the bottom of page 3 MOMAZ

It's not just people who have had affairs that struggle with feelings of self-worth, it's all of us.

I just wanted to add to some comments by JL and NOW, that although we must not let others define who we are, we are very much effected by others people opinions and feelings towards us.

That is why in any program that teaches success they tell us to vehemently stay away from those who effect us negatively. We are all very susceptable to others negativity, personally as well as professionally.

I have coworkers who are at a place in their careers where they can and do choose very carefully who they will take on.

Part of becomming a mature adult who takes responsibility for their life is choosing who we let around us. And it is because of the way we all are so effected by others... their energy, their negative or positive attitude, their desire to see other succeed, etc.

I too am just now beginning to realize how important this part of it all is.

The good news is that in loving others and really being connected to those we do let in our life...our spouse's, our children, our friends, whatever love we give to them comes back ten fold in feelings of love about ourself.

You remember NOW in loving your babies the happiness and self love you felt...all because of the love you were pouring on your baby. It cannot be separated into just giving because the love increases inside of you, whatever it is you give.

This is how we learn to love ourselves. If you pay attention the next time how you feel when you are really loving your H or child you will probably find that you are overwhelmed with feelings of self-love.

NOW, you have such a good personality, warm, open, honest, caring. I hope you realize just how special you are. Mrs. W and you other ladies as well.

edited to add: I am sorry if I am using effect when I should be using affect. I have trouble with those two and not enough time to go look it up right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by notonlywords_

Makes more sense to just stay away from them, doesn't it?

I have a story about just how affected we really are that I want to share because I am still thinking about it this morning.

My fiance's mother is very, very negative and he changes noticeably when around her. We went on vacation twice now with her, and although I like her (and so does he) I see the effect she has on all her sons.

An example of this is a recent opportunity he had to buy a very undervalued piece of real estate in a great location. He just happened on this piece and was very excited about it, as was I. We decided to purchase it together.

His mother happened to call in the middle of all this and started with the negatives comments. Now keep in mind he is a very competent business owner. His mom started saying to him things like "how stupid" "why would you want a place down there" "you have too much going on" "you will lose money" blah, blah, blah.

I could see his excitement fall, his voice change, etc. He dropped the idea and didn't purchase.

A couple months later he goes by the property, it was sold and RELISTED immediately for 4 times the original selling price.

He never should have discussed this with his mom. He knows better. She brings him down, deflates him and causes him to make decisions he would not normally make.

Do you see the parallel?

Avoid people who would bring you down and/or want to keep you down.

NOW,

Consider what Weaver has told you very carefully. It is the truth, right? Now take this next step, do you want to be a negative person? Do you want to bring people around you down?

When you think poorly of yourself, it comes out and people feel you think poorly of them. Do you see why it is sooooo important in recovery for the WS to forgive themselves and learn to enjoy their life?

Have you considered what makes this site so addicting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> and so helpful. It is that everyone is trying to help others. It is the incredible sense of HOPE. It is the celebrating the small victories in life. It is watching people learn and grow and become stronger and better mates.

Yet, there is not a soul on this site that is without sin. There is not a soul on this site that has not done something they deeply regret. It may not be infidelity, it may not be many of the common topics here, but there is not a one of us that cannot improve.

The nothingness that you, and the others here are talking about is because you have not seen the GOODNESS. You need to see the good in yourself and other people, and you will find there is far more good than bad.

Read what Weaver has posted to you and then I think you will see your way out of this. You simply decide to take one step at a time, find one small thing you like about yourself, and realize that your H, your children, your family see many more. Watch their faces when you smile, watch their body language. You control much more than you realize.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Post deleted by notonlywords_

ALL RIGHT!

NOW has a plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Go for it.

God Bless,

JL