Here is some background on my situation
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3210225


Married 14 years with 2 kids. She is mocving out and wnats divorce immediately. years of me criticizing her drained her emotions and she wants out. Also in that wek period a co worker came in as EA and he I am sure is enabling the situation.

we talked this morning and I gave her a rose but she did not like that one at all. She told me why I am doing that and I said just because I felt that she seems happy lately and for no reason and that I never did it before. She did say thank you and said you dont have to do that.

She is moving out by Friday and I cannot stop that. She wants to file for divorce and when I told her that by law the cooling off period is 60 days--she did not like that. She said she needs to understand this process and she will get a consulation from a legal person. But we agreed that we will be friends and will resolve this without any lawyers. She wants to sit down with me and work on dividing assets. I did say to her that we can work on final division as get closer to the 60th day but then again, today her mind is made up on us getting divorce. Complete emotional disconnect. She has been communicating with her friend-OM(emotional affair) and telling her that she cannot wait for this to be over and obviously to be with him

I am trying to be stick to my mantra on working on my LBs and EN but she does not seem to be receptive. It seems almost like I will have to wait if she does get into an actual relationship with this OM (whish she is and will continue)and hope for it to fail so I can catch her back but that is seeming to be a false hope. She said she is moving out by Thursday one way or the other. I have asked her to lets talk. I am trying to be very receptive to what she is telling me but sometimes I cannot bear it--just like now I asked her if somewhere deeply buried in her heart she has any feelings for me and before even I can finish the sentence she told me to stop and said this is why I need to move out becuase it is not good for us like this. she has checked out. I am still trying to do LBs and EN and working to repsond to her accordingly but I feel that we need to sit down and she needs to just hear me out. Started good in working this but going into a tailspin here.

Suddenly I feel extremely depressed.

What state do you live in?

Have you exposed? If not you need to expose to all her family, friends, and OM's family ASAP. This is the key one: EXPOSE TO HER EMPLOYER! Who cares if it pisses her off. She's going to leave you if you don't. Gather up all incriminating intel you have on them and set up a meeting with HR and share the information. Share this info whenever you expose. I would also confront OM and tell him to back off of your WW. Let him know that he is the reason that she wants a D, and he'll be forever known as a homewrecker.

Tell her that you have changed your mind and that you aren't going to stand for your family being split up. Tell her that you are going to work on your issues, but you will not just stand here while she tears apart the family for this OM. Don't let her out so easy. Let her know that you will fight for this M and contest any D.

Where is she going to move to? Do not enable her financially or let her just take the kids with her. Separate your finances and cancel all joint credit cards.

Get yourself some IC for your issues and get on some ADs. I was in the same situation as you were just about 6 months ago and I am saving my M because of the steps I just told you about. DO NOT BE AFRAID! Be calm, strong, and firm, not emotional or needy. Tell your WW that you only discuss M, and that your attorney does D. Quit with the R/M talk right now, just focus on a good plan A of meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs. You can focus on R/M AFTER the A is over. Get to work, your time is running short. You should have done something before the M got to this point, so you have some catching up to do.

I live in texas
That is what I am afraid of. I dont have time left to save this marriage. I tormented her for past 5 years. She told me in January that she is unhappy and I said I will work on. Started to but took things for granted. This was not all bad--good things too and I was stupidly naive not to see it. Now I do. After she told me and not seeing the result--men were her friends and this OM came in as an EA.

Finances are not a problem becuase she makes more money than me so that is not an issue there.also she will be moving only two-three blocks away to an apartment so she can see the kids everyday after school. so it is not that it is a weekend thing for either one of us.

I am working already on eliminating LBs and using Ens but no respose so far. She thanks me when I complement her but in her mind it is all too late.

There is not much to expose too in her case. She works as an independent and the OM is really her customer (I called it co worker).
Exposing OM to whomever and confronting him is a big steps. This forum suggest both--to confront and not to confront. I am today not convinved to confront.

I would like for her to sit down and maybe separate for a while and see if things take a turn or not. She does not. Filing for divorce and will go through the 60 day period is she has to..so in exxence I have 60 days.

question I have is..how nasty do I make this divorce. I dont want to. We have talked about it and beleive me we are very civil althoug sometime is hard for me not to come across needy and sorry.
The first day I cried and begged and pleaded for time to work it and she said no (complete enmotional block)
I try to slip that in here and there ane she said today that is why I need to move and divorce becuase we need to end this misery for both of us quickly.

I know I know I am screwed up in my thoughts. I guess I need to work on PLAN A and then wee what happens--she is moving out one way or the other.

bump

bump, again...

had a long conversation with the wife last night. trying to work on separation logisitics. Please note that she told me about her feelings to go see people on her own-
few things that are happening.

-I am seeking help in terms of my marriage, personality. going to a therapist.
-She is going to a therapist
-She is definitely moving out and we will legally separate
-There is not one OM but few of them. She is not sure of anyone--se wants to explore and see. She is seeking peace of mind and happiness (her point). She is emotionally completely detached from me but is very open in discussions.
-I want to save the marriage but I am not desparate (it has been a roller coaster in the past few days) but I am at peace with all of it.
-I love her and will try to save the marriage by working on PLAN A (already doing it). (by the way--the exposing part of WS is not really going to apply--at least right away)
-I am not going to turn my life upside down in trying to save this but I will put enough effort to resolve. I am putting myself first.

I got a lot of help in the past few days on this board and also with going to professional folks locally. Every situation is different and one has to adjust accordingly. My first reaction was not shock but a feeling of desparation, then the next was how can I fix it today (by begging, pleading), then trying to fully understand the situation, and now accepting the reality and dealing with it. Guess what, this is NOT THE END of the world.

trying,

about tormenting her for the past 5 years... Hmm. I have to wonder a bit about being prompted in your behaviors. I wonder if some of your behavior is reactionary to hers. Something to think about before you start lumping all the blame on yourself. Maybe you were bad to her, and then she to you...and you two began the dance that lasted for 5 years. Just realize, that dance, well, that's where you failed, you kept reacting rather than acting. Her failure, well...that's a different post.

Good point and I have thought about that RookKev. bottom line is that this what happened but I am not going to dwell on the past I can only try for the future (looks bleak for us in temrms of remaining together)

I have a question, I wrote this. should I give this to her under the circumstances or is this will come across as needy.



What I did wrong to you (and things that I did not do)

-Criticism all the time.
-Lack of positive feedback
-Show of love more often
-Criticize Criticize Criticize
-Took you for granted
-Took our relationship for granted
-Took our love for granted
-Did not get a clue on how and when things were getting worse
-did I mention constant criticism
-Hurt your feelings all the time
-killed your self esteem
-too much moodiness
-Did not express my issues
-Did not talk to you more often about issues
-Kept things to myself and let them boil over
-Did not respect your wishes
-Was not nice to your family
-Did not pay attention to who you really are while I knew exactly

I am sure the list goes on...


List of things that you did wrong
-Did not respond to my attempts to discuss issues
-held everything inside and as clueless I am --I never knew the extent of issues
-didn't clean the house more often (it's a joke) :-)
-


Why I love you
-for the smile on your face
-for the sounds you make
-for the completeness you bring in me
-for the trust we have for each other
-for the little nagging that we do (not the major ones ;-)
-for the smartness in you
-for the commitment in you
-for the dedication in you
-for things you have done to make me happy
-for your unconditional past support
-for you trying so hard in this
-for what you bring in my life and in our family life
-for you

I never said these words and I always meant everyone of these. The sad part is exactly that. My actions were opposite.

If this whole thing just fell apart yes we would both survive--we would both be happy again sometime. one day we would be back in the situation of a house and a future. but we have that right here right now and we have to fight for it. we both have different fights but they are for the same goal.......our marriage.

come and work with me on this..

Hmm.

I kept those kind of conversations to a minimum. I at one point simply told my wife 'I'm sorry'. At another, I told her 'thank you for our children'. I don't really think that you are at a spot that you need to go through each individual offense that comes to your mind. Down the road, in counseling, sure, I think it would be a good step. For now, just a simple I'm sorry for the past should suffice. Believe me, I'm betting the last thing on her to do list is to apologize to you for every little transgression she has. She will probably appreciate not having to step up like that yet (not that she would).

Unfortunately, we can't stop people, even our spouses, from making some really stupid decisions. For some of them, they are just going to go down that road regardless. All you can probably do at this point is grow some thick skin, and let the crap bounce off you. Stay aloof of the games. ANd realize, you gotta let her go to a certain extent (after you shed the light on the issue = reveal the affair = exposure), then sit back, and not be klingy. Take this time to heal yourself. Accept the worst news now, just take it on, and work from there up...work on forgiving.

You know, if you do that now, it will help you down the road. You can decide when she confesses, if you want to forgive her or not, with the impact of the moment taken away. It will probably also make her realize that you are much stronger than she gave you credit for. Go to the gym. Improve your body. You will have to do something for yourself now, something to give you a bit of pride in. I know right now, that's about the last thing you probably have, any pride.

So, no...the note isn't probably a good idea right now. I penned one also, but set it aside. I'm not sure if I ever gave it to her or not.

Trying,
Please get the following books if you have not:
1)Surviving an Affair (SAA)
2)Lovebusters (LB)
3)His Needs her Needs (HNHN)

Read them ASAP. Sounds like you already have started to put together PlanA, that is good. Eliminate LB and meet what EN WW will allow you too. Like stated above, do not act needs or clingy. Do not discuss marriage or relationship unless initiated by WW. Do not try to pressure or manipulate her.

Her moving out prior to obtaining any sort of legal separation or anything is not all bad. You want to protect your children from the affair. You will have a case of abandonment and this will help you get custody and protect your children. I mean who would trust an adulterous OM with their kids? Only a spaced out WW would.

PlanA also includes focusing on making yourself a better husband and father. You need to do this for your own sake and the sake of your children. DO NOT expect any positive feedback or anything else positive from your WW while you are in PlanA. You cannot understand her otherworldly "logic" like you are solely to blame for the state of your marriage and you have been mentally abusing her for the last 5 years. Yes, you are 50% responsibile for the state of your marriage and maybe 51% responsible. So what? YOU are the one who is being strong enough to fight for it now. YOU did not seek out comfort from another person. YOU are taking steps now to repair you marriage and protect your kids.

try these as daily reminders:
DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Thanks GAme Face--really good advice. My plan A is modified one and even got more modified after I did the phone consultation with Steve Harley yesterday. (Exposure part is not needed--becuase it is already out there)

My call with Steve Harley very well and I understood the plan and he told me what to tell her--well that part did not go as planned at all. she ended up being pretty upset becuase in the end it was hard for me to control my emotion so basically I messed it up. I was not whiny about that I love her but I complained about who I was and who I am trying to be. She did though accept to talk to Steve tomorrow. Wether she will do it or not I dont know. I am thinking she will not but lets see that is part of the plan. I must tell you that I am finally at peace with all this. We are filing for divorce and starting the process. There is no way to avoid that. We are working on separation agreement today and she is moving out tomorrow. Although she is going to be in and out. She is getting an extended stay hotel for right now and looking for an apartment. We are looking at our assets and dividing them up to start the divorce proceedings. It will be filed tomorrow. I met with an attoreny yesterday and again today.
AS per Steve I told her that I disagree with her moving out and again per Steve tried to tell her at what cost all this without even mentioning family kids etc. but I think in the end, emotional stuff took over. and She being at a different place, told me that this decision took last 4 months to come up and she has thought it through. She needs to go and clear her head and meet these new guys and see what happens. She said and it may not work out and it maybe a disaster for her but she said, I am willing to take that risk. so with that mind set, we are separating. I will continue to work on me and try to do the right thing and see if during the process of divorce--anywhere from 2-6 months, if things change. You see, I dont want her back just because--I want her back when she realizes it. and if I clear my head and realize that I was unhappy also then I may not want this...wow..things change radically in few days.

Trying,

It is great you are in with Steve. He is the master...and he will help you develop a plan!

Some things I saw in your posts cause me concern though. One was that you believe each situation is different...and require different approaches. Well, that is true...and not true!

My wife and I had the same illness a few weeks ago...a few days apart. Now, while the illness was the same, it manifested itself a little differently in both of us. While she was throwing up a lot...I just tended to run a high fever. My throat was scratchy and my nose ran...while hers did not.

But we had the same illness...and even though we had some similarities in symptoms, and some differences...the cure was the same!

Your situation with your wife is different...but the same. Your wife went without important needs being met...and has now gone in the negative in her love bank. She is seeking someone, or someone(s) to fill that void. This is the same as all the other WSs on here.

So, what to do?

Well, one of the other things I was concerned about when you wrote it was you saying "we'll be friends" or "we'll divorce amicably." Why are you saying these things? You see, let's look at this from the WS side. They are now leaving...they are addicted to the OP(s) they have found and the needs they are meeting. And so, what do you tell your wife? Well, that you love her and dont want a divorce BBbuuuttttt (this is the part they pay attention to)....you are willing to be friends and divorce amicably.

To the WS....this is GREAT!! You have now agreed with them that the marriage is over and that you wont stand in their way of destroying everyones' lives. By saying and doing these things...YOU are enabling and condoning her affair and the destruction of your family.

Adultery is wrong! Divorce is wrong! You should be standing on that!

Your wife is being drug away here (by herself and others) and what do you do? Do you go after her? Do you do EVERYTHING in your power to save your wife and your kids? No. Instead, you want to give weight to your wife's actions and statements as if they are coming from a sane person. THEY ARE NOT!

If your wife was abducted by kidnappers, would you not do everything in your power to save her...even to the point of risking your own life? Well, my man...this is no different!

My wife left three times. Took me to court twice. I fought for custody of my children and stood my ground on the marriage. If she wanted to leave the family, then she was free to go. But the family would remain!

Today, after 4 years of battling, my wife and I are in love...and we have our fourth child on the way.

Trying...this battle is not for the weak. I am a former infantry first sergeant and I can tell you...this will be the HARDEST thing you have ever done! And I can say this also...it will be the most rewarding!

No one is capable of saving your wife but you. Not Steve. Not me. Not even your wife. Only YOU can do this, thru the use of the principles outlined on this website and Dr. Harley's books...as well as the plan that Steve will help you put together. If you do them, the odds are greatly in your favor that your marriage will be here 10 years from now. But if you dont, you had might as well just sign the divorce papers now!

Those other guys have NO CHANCE of any long term relationship with your wife. Less than 5% of relationships that begin in an affair ever make it to marriage...and over 75% of those marriages end up failing. So, you are talking about 1-2% of these relationships lasting. And even those are plagued with serious issues of mistrust, dishonesty, etc.

So, how do you do this? Well, Steve will outline the particulars...but the basics are that you Plan A your butt off! And you dont love bust. You stay confident (even when you arent). You only show your wife a man that knows what he is doing, and where he is going. You protect your kids, your finances, and your stuff (furnishings, house, etc). They are all a part of the family. Your wife is welcome to be a part of the family...but if she wants to leave...she leaves on her own!

Get your attorney ready to protect all of the family interests. Let him know that you are trying to save your marriage...but at the same time, you want to protect yourself. You need to begin journaling everyday...on everything to do with you, her and the kids. Every interaction, every conversation, etc. Show where you are doing all of the work with the kids, etc.

Do not talk about separation or divorce with your wife. That is the job of your attorney. You tell your wife "I do marriage...my attorney does divorce. I will only discuss marriage, family and reconciliation with you."

Draw the line in the sand. Defend what is right. Even when it is painful to do so. We will be here to help. Steve will be there to give you your plan and help you modify it as things go along.

It is time to stop thinking of you and your wife as something unique here. You are not...she is not. This is as common as the flu.

And the cure is always the same.