Sis,

My son used to actually call me "CRAZY".."Mommy, I think you are going CRAZY"...and I probably WAS....when you are not EATING or SLEEPING there's a MAJOR PROBLEM...

10:00 at night..OOPS I forgot to eat dinner.."I'll TRY again tomorrow...

Oh, well, I ate, usually some bread and drank some water or something. One of the things that I remember eating was cheese folded up in a piece of bread. I drank tons of coffee!

I just remember the endless thoughts careening around in my head, talking to myself in the dark, saying STOP STOP, please STOP thinking...

I remember drinking Ensure, having chicken broth and crackers, a bit of pasta...for a while I felt like gagging on most foods, I didn't have an appetite...was nauseous...couldn't sleep...took A/D's and some Xanex...tried to only use a quarter tablet of those. I went down to 103 lbs..what a mess I was. I felt like my body was going to shut down and die...knew I needed to force myself to eat and at least try to get some sleep. I started sleeping in the bed diagonally claiming his side of the bed instead of leaving that side untouched and with such a void.

I lived on cheese toast... when I could wait for it to toast. Food just wasn't a priority... more like a second, or third thought... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It's amazing how we survived... and we did... and we are... and we will...

princessmeggy, I just didn't bother to char my bread, I ate the 'cheese toast' raw...

My loving wonderful husband and I went to dinner tonight. I hadn't told him what I doing before now. Tonight I told him I'd been posting "chapters" of our story on MB. His reaction was amazing. He said "I wondered why you were on there so much." He said so when do I post? I told him I wanted him to wait until I was finished and then I wanted him to come on and add his thoughts. He's cool with that. He said, "wow... our story is really helping people?" I told him it was, most definitely. He was excited about that and is waiting to say what he has to say until the end.

So my doing this is now two-fold. It's helping me to get it all out and hopefully giving hope to those who have lost hope and best of all... confirmation by my FWH of how things can turn around... when you think all is lost.

It is AMAZING that WE SURVIVED.

How ADMIRABLE and WONDERFUL of your husband, Meggy!

Because I was thinking how this is also such a testimony of how LOW a WS can get...

It's hard for the NEW MBers to believe that their WSes are NOT SPECIAL in their AWFULNESS...

Getting back...I liked(?) the SWEET STUFF..

How about a DOUGHNUT for dinner..that is, when I remembered to eat...

It's such a gift from you to tell us about your evening out. Thank you.

Just wanted to pipe in about the long nights also.

I had mention to DD16 that I miss Dad and it's lonley at night. For Easter she got me a huge floppy bunny to keep me company at night.

I mentioned tonight that I missed dad and wished he would come home and she said why you have your bunny.

My sweet baby girl

Still

Meggy,

Your FWH's response ("So when do I post?") gives me hope with my FWH. He says he wants to help others someday, but our former MC suggested that we do not expose to anyone who is not directly related to ending the A or healing our M. I suggested posting on MB, but he does not like to write long emails, except when he WAS in the alien fog and he made up lies just to prolong the fornicating fantasy. Think I'll lay off that suggestion for awhile.

Your story is helping this newby a ton...in fact, I forgot and had to look and count to see that today is 8 months after D day #3. Maybe triggers do dissipate with time.....of course, when you have as many D-days as I do, they all kinda mesh together! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for all your efforts, PM......so glad you shared about your lovely dinner, too.

Ace

Wow.. amazing story and the way you tell is is amazing! You do have a talent for writing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

At the point when you wrote "The next shoe dropped. Honestly, by this time, I felt it was raining shoes." I felt like I was there with you. Almost brought a tear to my eye...

NEXT!!! Don't stop! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm so glad that my story is helping some here. It feels good to get it all out finally. I never would have thought that our marriage could ever be restored when I was going through this. Close to the end, I believed FWH was too far gone and that too much had happened. FWH had hurt me too much and I'd reacted all wrong and tried to hurt him back. But then I underestimated the power of earnest prayer. I truly believe that it was God's hand that turned things around.

I need to back up a little. Shortly after we moved into our new place I came home from work one day and had a message waiting on the answering machine. It went like this:

“FWH, this is Dr. So and So. I am EWO’s best friend. She wants you to stop driving by her home, stop leaving letters and flowers at her door. She doesn’t care about you and doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. Stop stalking her. If you insist on continuing, she will file a legal action against you.”

I was stunned. I was angry. Here I thought she was history. When FWH came by I played the message for him. He was embarrassed. He admitted that he had done it. I’d also found a receipt for $60.00 for roses that I knew I didn’t get. He lied about the letter he’d written. He had sent it. He had been pursing her even during the time I thought things were getting better between us.

This just made me crazy. I wanted to talk to her face to face. I found out that she had a hearing coming up in her custody case. I told FWH about it. He begged me not to go. I wouldn’t listen. I drove to the courthouse on the morning of the hearing and FWH was in parking lot waiting for me. He begged me not to go through with it. I didn’t care. I was determined.

I went in and spotted her standing with her sister. I saw her STBX standing a ways away. I almost went up to him and told him everything, but I didn’t. If I’d found MB early on, I would have called him way before things got to this point, but I didn’t know. I walked over to EWO and stood a foot away from her. I finally got to see her up close and personal. She was there for a custody hearing right? She was in spike heels and a very short skirt. That would certainly impress the judge. I just stood there. She had no idea who I was. I didn’t say a word. I ended up walking away and leaving without saying anything.

I was wrong. The only thing I accomplished was to show my FWH the hate in my heart for EWO. Not a pretty sight. There was nothing loving about it. It only served to make him think even more about HER. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I know it now.

But as it turns out, that wasn’t the last confrontation of the OW for me. The next time I was braver. Way braver.

OH MY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Arrgh... I'm not coming in here again till you FINISH the story. Can't stand to be kept in suspense like this.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry to put you through it. It's just that if I posted the whole thing all at once, it'd probably crash the server! I'll try to speed things up though. I'm home today so maybe I can get a couple of more in. I'd say we're about 1/2 way there now. A LOT happened... it was drama city... seems like every other week there was something. After all was said and done I ended up with pronounced gray streaks in my hair. Hopefully they represent a little wisdom earned and learned. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

heheh, princess, I was just kidding... take my suspense as a tribute to your eloquent writing style <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You make a really interesting point about showing hate in your heart for EWO and how it affected FWH. But this comment stands out: "There was nothing loving about it."

Maybe you'll get to this later, but I'd really be interested in knowing how you feel about her now....??

Fascinating, meggy....WOW.

Back to the situation with our DD.

I called my FWH and told him that we needed to meet. I had something very important to discuss. He wanted to know why we couldn’t just talk on the phone. I told him this needed to be face to face. He agreed to meet me at a restaurant close to where he was staying the next morning.

I told him about our DD. He surprised me by not being that upset about it. He was angry at DD’s boyfriend though. He blamed me for allowing DD to do whatever she wanted. He said that I’d done that all our married life with all our children. I didn’t agree at the time but it was partially true. I had been raised in a strict Christian home (daddy was a pastor) and not allowed to do a lot of things other kids got to do. I raised my children differently. I didn’t let them do ANYTHING they wanted (as FWH claimed) but I was a lot more lenient than my parents were. Of course, FWH took no responsibility that his current actions might have been affecting our children. Make no mistake. An affair DOES affect the children… even grown ones.

My oldest daughter and her husband (who’s an attorney) would meet up with FWH when we first separated and go for drinks with him. After the accident that kind of cooled down. She became disgusted with the whole thing. She wouldn’t talk to me about any of it though and chose not to get involved either way. I suspect this was on the advice of her husband (who was looking out for her). My oldest son was sad for me and his dad about the whole thing and he and his wife tried reaching out to both of us. They took me shopping one day during all of it to cheer me up. They bought me a new outfit, paid to have my nails done and even encouraged me to do “Glamour Shots.” I didn’t though because I was feeling so low. I didn’t feel beautiful. I must not be beautiful or my FWH would have never left. (My BS fog) My youngest son (17) had moved back home with me (sleeping on the couch) because he found out living with BF wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. He was always daddy’s boy and defended him constantly. He was in the camp of just get over it mom, move on, dad has.

At the restaurant that day my FWH surprised me by saying, “I’m glad it only that. I thought you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something.” I asked him, “If I had cancer would you come home?” He said “probably.”

I broke down… again. I told him I couldn’t do this alone. It was too much. Too hard. I couldn’t handle things by myself. I needed him. He looked at me with pity and just said it’s too late. He told me, PM, you need to let me go. PLEASE let me go. I said I can’t. I love you. We’ve been together forever. How can you just walk away? How can you hurt me so bad? He said, I don’t want to hurt you anymore PM. I cried, just come home. He answered, in tears himself, I can’t.

A couple of weeks later I was at work and I checked my FWH’s voicemail (yes I was still snooping). There was a VM from a woman. She said, “Hi, it’s JM (fictitious) I really had fun with you last night. I hope I wasn’t too mean to you—too much tequila does that to me. Call me and let’s get together again.” My heart was thudding and my hands were shaking. I called her back and said “Someone just called my husband’s cell phone?” “Your husband?” “Yes, FWH is my husband. I’d appreciate it if you’d stay away from him.” I hung up.

Not five minutes later I get a phone call from an angry FWH. He was livid AND flabbergasted at how in the world I even found out about her, much less got her number. I just told him, “I have my ways. You know I’m a paralegal and this is what I do. I can find out anything.” I never told him that I was checking his VM. Of course, it was someone he’d just met. They were just friends. Uh-huh. I didn’t believe him. I was finally learning.

....LS picking jaw up off the floor....

You recovered from THAT? You can't make this stuff up.

No wonder you say "don't tell me it can't be done."