Absolutely... on all three counts. Had I known about MB, I would have missed out on half the fun.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Like I said... my story... not the MB way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope that SOMEONE reading my story learns from my mistakes and AVOIDS the pitfalls of the "flying with the wind plan" and that it offers encouragement to others to know that there is HOPE even when it really LOOKS impossible.

Yep, yep, and yep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Oh my gosh! I'm way behind and just catching up. (Busy, busy at work with my new job, thank you, God!!)

Meggy, you have started my day out just right. I am chuckling. I hope that's okay, because I know that it was incredibly painful to you at the time, but some of this stuff is priceless. "looks like a boy and has weird hair" Bwwaaahhaaahaa!
Regarding the quote above...I don't think I REALLY believed how BIG a liar WH was until I heard his words coming out of MIL's mouth. WH speaks to convincingly and with such "feeling," it's like getting stuck in a spider's web. But when MIL says it, it's like sirens going off...WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

Somehow I'm not all emotionally "confused" when I hear the babble coming out of MIL's mouth. Suddenly I can refute everything with common sense and logic; it's so obvious.

Also...regarding forgiveness...what I worry about for my own SELF is that I DO carry hate in my heart for RT. She was my "friend," she used my boys to carry on the A under the radar, she had me tossed in jail, she wrote that letter to impact my sentencing. At the same time, I realize that what she did (with the exception of the jail thing--although he's not off the hook on that one completely, either) is EXACTLY what WH did.

How can I ever REALLY forgive WH when I carry actual HATE for RT? They are two peas in a pod. So do I really hate WH, too, deep down? Good for you, SL, for letting go of all of that...

Sorry to TJ, meggy. Carry on...

I understand. There were times when I absolutely HATED FWH as much as I did the OP. When I would beg him to come home and tell him that I loved him, he used to say “there’s a fine line between love and hate.” I don’t think you love me at all. If you did, you’d want me to be happy and let me go. You wouldn’t try and come between me and OW. I think you really hate my guts and you just want to punish me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It took me longer to forgive EWO than it did to forgive FWH or even OW#2 (you'll find out why about her later). I remember wishing terrible things would happen to EWO and being GLAD when Ms. Junior League (EWO) got arrested for DWI and when she lost custody of her girls. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t forgotten and if I passed her on the street today it would be very hard for me to resist the urge to do the “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah” thing (in an adult way of course). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes I want to fly across the country to do the adult 'nah nah-nah nah-NAH NAHHHH! thing.

Maybe I'll do that when/if I grow up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

My FWH was a little smarter about things this time around. He was very careful not to reveal details about JM. He did tell me she was divorced. My son told me she was an occupational therapist in a retirement home. This really bothered me because this time OW was intelligent where before OW#1 (EWO) wasn’t too bright-- just rich, beautiful and younger. JM had smarts. I believed that I had truly lost him this time. The first time around I counted as a fling that couldn’t possibly last because there was so much drama in her life. I believed that she was just using FWH. This time I was scared. He was acting different. When I confronted him about him living with her, he said he didn’t want to hurt me so he didn’t tell me. He said what does it matter anyway what I do? We’re separated.

I had JM’s cell phone number and I called her to confront her. I would TM her and she would TM me. We were saying ugly, ugly things to each other. I felt like I was in high school. Who had I become?!?

FWH would come by for something (I was always finding reasons for him to come by) and he was standoffish. Where before I could get a hug or a peck on the cheek… now there was nothing. One night though he walked back in my bedroom with me to talk. He’d had a couple of beers and he came up behind me and gave me a hug. That hug started to turn into something else. I was happy until he suddenly stopped and said, “What am I doing? I can’t do this!” I was so mad. What do you mean? I’m your wife! Are you worried about cheating on JM? We got into a huge argument. This was when he screamed at me, “I don’t love you! I’ve never loved you!”

I still didn’t know who JM was or what she looked like… until one day I was going through our joint bank account statement and I saw a deposit slip with a copy of a check from JM. She had written my FWH a check for $200. He said she was paying him back for a loan. That was great, here I was struggling and he was barely working but he was loaning money? Arghh, that made me furious. But now I had her name and it didn’t take long to find out who she was, where she lived and that she wasn’t even divorced but only separated. I blew FWH’s mind when I told him I knew who she was. I threatened to call her STBX and tell him everything. (Second opportunity to expose missed if I’d only known about MB!) He begged me not to, why bring her husband into this? Why hurt her kids? It’s between me and him only.

Our anniversary was in September. I asked FWH to take me out that night for old times sake. I guess he felt sorry for me. We were at a restaurant/bar and FWH got up to go to the men’s room leaving his cell phone on the table. Of course I picked it up and started looking at his calls and text messages. That really upset me to see how often they were calling each other. When I saw him coming back, I hit redial for OW’s number and just left the cell phone laying there, partially hidden under a napkin. He was being especially sweet to me that night and I asked him. Can you really look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me anymore? He said, “I can’t.” I do love you PM. I always will, you’re the mother of my children. Before he could say more I disconnected the call without him noticing. He went on to say, but I’m not in love with you. I asked him if he was in love with JM. He said he didn’t know and that sometimes he wondered why he was even with her. We left and he said he had to go (to get home to her). In the parking lot I begged him not to go. He left.

I found out later that JM’s birthday was a few days before our anniversary and that he had taken her out and bought her jewelry. That hurt.

I continued on with my life (such as it was) working and stressing and crying and fuming and hurting. I heard through the grapevine that things were not great in affair-land. JM had gone out on her own a couple of times and left FWH alone at the apartment saying she needed a night out with the girls.

On one of these nights FWH asked me if I wanted to go to this club with him (same club where I called EWO from the bathroom.) We went and FWH kept wandering off. We danced a couple of times and I wondered what was going on. Why was it okay for him to take me out now? Then it clicked. JM must be here. I asked him. He admitted she was. I begged him to just point her out to me. I wanted to see what she looked like. I promised that I wouldn’t say anything to her. He pointed her out to me. I told my FWH I was going to the bathroom. I walked over and sat down right next to her. I said, Hi JM. I’m PM.

More later.

PM:

You just LOVE the cliff hanger, don't you!

LG

She is so good at this!

OK, I won't keep you in suspense.

Here’s how it went:

JM: Wow. Finally we meet. You’re not ugly (what she had said in a TM), you’re actually pretty.
PM: So are you. And you definitely don’t look like a boy.

We both started laughing at the situation we were in at that moment (which was surprising to me, I didn’t expect that reaction from either of us). Then we talked… for a long time. She felt bad about being with FWH. She was going through a divorce herself. We talked about our children and lots of non-affair related things. She said “I believe you and FWH will end up together.” I said I didn’t know because too much had happened. She said she believed that he really loved me but he had serious issues. I could see FWH out of the corner of my eye. Boy was he mad. When I got ready to go she stood up and hugged me. I knew we couldn’t be friends but I was glad I faced her. My FWH came home with me that night but slept on the couch.

I thought things would change now that I had faced the demon. But it really hadn’t. She was just a symptom of things gone wrong. My FWH continued to call and see her.

It was shortly after this that I started going to my sister’s for the weekends in the next city just to get away from all the drama. I started going to a non-denominational church with her. I started going to a women’s group, which was a blessing. They were praying with me. My sister was praying. I started taking a class at the church called “Co-Dependent No More”. Wow. My eyes were opened. That was the relationship FWH and I had. It was crazy. I remember one day specifically, my sister and I prayed that God would break my FWH and open his eyes.

I told FWH that people were praying for him. He asked me NOT to pray for him. He knew. He had once been close to God and knew about the power of prayer. It seemed like things got worse for him after that.

One weekend when I was at my sister’s my son called and said they had to take their dad to the hospital. It seems he at been at MY house drinking. He was outside walking back and forth on a retainer wall having an argument with JM on the phone. He fell and landed flat on his feet, breaking a small bone in one foot and bruising the other badly. My son had to pick him up and carry him to the car to go to the hospital. He was okay but was now on crutches. When my sister and I heard what had happened we both looked at each other and giggled. Why? We both said at the same time, “Remember our prayer that God would break him? Guess He started with his feet."

Good LORDY woman! You did traverse a lot to get here.

I have to say, this helps me to see the folly of my ways before MB, and helps to reinforce that I really have been working the plans, despite a few missteps. Thank God for this place...

I finally decided to move in with my sister in the next city. This was really hard logistically because I had to catch the train from one city and ride to the next and then catch another train to get to my job. But it was the best thing I could have done. Having my sister around was great support for me. She is a no-nonsense kinda gal and she helped me a lot.

At first when I lived with her I was still wrapped up in the drama. Still hurting… badly. Still hurting myself… badly, by staying on the merry-go-round of pain that my life had become (through a lot of my own actions!). This is when I really began to let go and let God. I jumped off. I was tired of the ride. It wasn’t going anywhere but round and round. I started detaching from FWH and started working on me… and on my relationship with God. There were times when I wouldn’t take FWH’s calls. That freaked him out. He asked me what kind of game I was playing. I wasn’t playing a game. I was getting free. FWH and my youngest son ended up getting an apartment together near the school my son was attending. FWH continued to drink and go out but he was falling fast. He was banned from his favorite bar because of his behavior. JM finally broke it off completely with him. FWH later told me that she told him he was an alcoholic. FWH was very angry when she said this because he felt like SHE was the alcoholic. He started having to face himself, because he was losing everyone—friends, GFs, wife, family.

My sis and I convinced FWH to come to church with us. I was so hopeful that God would touch him in a miraculous way. I was disappointed when there was no reaction. (I didn’t know what was going on in his heart.) FWH came over after church and talked on the phone with one of the men from that church that had been through the same kinds of things. They talked for a long time. Still no miracle (that I could see). I didn’t know that the ice was melting on his heart.

FWH stopped drinking completely one night when my older son called him and asked him if he wanted to go to a movie. My FWH said he told himself that night, I can either go out or I can go to a movie with my son. He went to the movie and hasn’t drank since. He started going to AA and hooked up with a group that was all about healing and restoration (personal, not necessarily marriage.) FWH went on a trip with this group and experienced a lot of healing. I was worried about this but again I had to trust God.

I decided that I wanted to move back to my original city because it was just too hard. My daughter was about to have my first grandchild and I needed a place big enough for us. I found another two-bedroom townhouse and we moved. My FWH helped us move. He started staying the night. We started talking reconciliation. He was still very foggy. I was still very leery. I’d been here before. But I’d learned a lot, and this time was letting God deal with it.

We started going to church together. FWH stopped at a city park with a lake on the way home from church one evening. He said, “Let’s walk.” We got out an started walking around the lake. He stopped and turned to me looking me in the eyes. He said, “PM, I am soooo sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt you. I am asking your forgiveness and I want you to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you forgive me?” Music to my ears. I started crying with joy and we kissed in the moonlight on the side of that lake. Our recovery began in earnest.


Our first grandchild was born in December of that year about a month ½ later. She was like an anointed healing oil to our marriage. My FWH fell in love with her. To this day, she has gwandaddy (and gwandma) wrapped around her little finger. My youngest daughter and FWH have healed their relationship. They are close once again.

For those that find themselves on MB in the midst of the battle—don’t give up hope. That you’ve found MB is a blessing. As you can tell by my story, had I found MB, I would have been spared a great deal of pain and unnecessary drama. My marriage probably would have recovered way sooner than it did.

It’s been a painful, rocky road leading to recovery. In my darkest hours, I had no hope. It wasn’t until I got on my knees (and got out of the way) and turned the situation over to God that things changed. Today, we have 3 ½ grandchildren. DH is a full-time Bible school student studying for the ministry—specializing in evangelisim—(going out to the streets) to tell people about God. I play keyboard on our church’s worship team. We are celebrating our 30th anniversary this September. My DH gave me new wedding rings for Christmas and wants to renew our vows. God is good.

Edited to add a little more and correct some typos.

Lesson:

DO PRAY

princessmeggy, I believe I've let go. I believe that is where I am right now, and I feel a sense of relief that I finally get it.

Yes, I broke my Plan B, it wasn't very good this last month anyway, but now I have resolve. I've had my EUREKA moment! I am amazed at my reserve right now. I've learned something very valuable, that letting go does not mean giving up.

WH must do this alone. You can't force an addict, you just can't, they must decide to save themselves.

I'm so happy to hear about your loving family, and the much deserved happiness that you live in now.

I loved it...when is the movie coming out?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's a great word for it. You're absolutely right... letting goes DOES NOT mean giving up. That's what I want to say every time I read someone say but if I do Plan B won't he/she think I'm giving up or in? If I'd known about plan B, I would have done it in a New York minute and I know I would have found lots of support here to help me do it. That was the thing. I had no one to guide me. There was only the camp of kick him to the curb. Even my sis who ended up being a big support in the end was in that camp at first.

Keep the faith SL... you're an amazing woman.

I can't imagine taking mine back after being dragged through all of that...

Meg...you are one classy woman! I was just telling Eph kind of the same thing...how I think about it from time to time...

I'm just kinda down tonight, still trying to work out some emotions...getting nervous and all...

It'd have to be a series because I left a lot of stuff out. It was an insane time.

I don't want to mislead anyone. Recovery has not been easy. It's been very hard work. It hasn't been until recently that the triggers have become less painful.

We did it all wrong and recovery has taken longer because of that.

The letting go part is very hard... I think I will always have hope. That's just me. All my friends in real life think I'm crazy.

I think the thing I need to do is act like I'm letting go, which I'm trying really hard to do now. He doesn't need to see my lonliness and confusion.

PM, just wanted you to know reading your story gives me hope. I don't remember if you mentioned this but what was the time frame?

Still

This started in August 2002 and we began our real recovery in December 2003.

Thanks,

Trying to compare to my own timeline. Even though I know every time frame is different.

Still