My H and I have just started to work on relationship. I posted my story on the Emotional Needs board. H almost had an affair several months ago and only didn't bc she backed out. I know it isnt as bad as actual physical contact (there was only talk and thoughts). I told him I think I can get past it and I am trying very hard. But I find myself thinking of it often. I don't know very many details about it/her. And I don't really want to wade back in to muddy water when we're just now stepping out. But would it make it worse for me to ask details? Would it be worse knowing more? Also he has never apologized for it and that bothers me a lot. I want to move past this and keep my family. I really think a large part of the blame is mine, even him thinking of straying. And I can change. Most times I'm just glad for a second chance at my marriage. But sometimee, like tonight, I wonder if this will be an ongoing issue and if I can truly trust him again.

Unsure.....

I also thought my FWH "almost cheated". He minimized his affair telling me at first that he and the OW "just exchanged a few e-mails and that some were of a sexual nature".

Four months and a lot of teeth pulling later, wading through the lies, I found out the affair lasted about 3 1/2 to 4 months, he had phone sex and cyber sex with her on a weekly basis, he told her that he loved her after only knowing her for a few weeks. He had never even met her. He "met" her in an online game. He also left me during his affair.

Turns out she was a troll. Just about everything she told him about her turned out to be a lie and that's the only reason the affair stopped.

Don't minimize this. Ask the questions, until you're without a doubt you know everything there is to know about your husband's innapropriate friendship. How much do you really know?

Read the articles on this website regarding radical honesty and surviving an affair.

Good luck and sorry you have to even think about this crap.

Unsure....

I just read your post in ENs. Please read up on His Needs/Her Needs on this website and also read about the Love Busters. This is very important for you to proceed to heal your relationship.

My husband also tried to tell me he was unhappy but I tried to tell him the same thing too. He's less of a communicator though. I was completely blindsided when he told me he wanted a divorce and didn't love me. Told me he wasn't sure if he ever did. He moved out 3 days later. When I asked if there was another woman he lied and said no. I didn't find out about it until two years later after he had already moved back in.

Do not blame yourself for all of your marital problems. You are both 50/50 responsible for your marriage problems. Your husband is 100% at fault for even thinking about having an affair, if that's all he did was "think".

Mopey,
My H is not big on lying, at least not until recently. When he first decided he was done the other day, I couldn't understand why he was so dead set against giving it another shot. After much teeth pulling on my part as well, he finally admitted to the almost affari, but only bc I phrased the question "Was there another woman?" instead of "Is there?". He told me that they worked together and never met outside of work. They talked at work (maybe about sex, I don't know). And there were apprantely some vivid images on his part. Then she decided to call it off. He says he's a bad person and I don't know him. And he said he could've done it w/o guilt. I questioned him multiple times on whether or not they actually went through with the act and he denies it. I'm pretty sure there were never any emails or phone calls. But he does work a lot of overtime, legitimate for the most part, but possibly not all. What does it sound like to you?

Sounds suspicious.

Unsure.....

I didn't think my H was big on lying either, until after I discovered his affair. In fact, he hated liars and looked down on anyone who did. ALL wayward spouses (WS) lie at some point. They definitely lie during the affair and 9 out of 10 times, they'll lie about the details after they're caught. Some WS don't come clean for awhile. Usually because they don't feel safe to tell the truth. Us betrayed spouses (BS) are suppose to handle the irrational behavior of a lying cheat with rational behavior after discovering the affair because most cheaters can't handle the aftermath of the destruction they cause. But, living without LBs is a very good thing but hard to due during the "discovery phase". At least it was for me because I was dying a death of a thousand cuts over a four month period with all the lies. Now it's hard to tell if he's telling me the truth or not.

I hope there's not more going on than what your H has told you but honestly.....my gut feeling is that there is alot more to what he has told you. I almost guarantee it. See what you can dig up on your own. Most wayward spouses leave a clue or two even if they're really careful. I found one e-mail from my H to the OW and it was crushing. It was how I found out he minimized that freaking affair so bad.

Personally, I would get all credit card statements and cell phone bills and check all of the numbers. I would put a keylogger on his computer and maybe a small digital recorder in his car. It would totally be worth the money for your peace of mind. There's a thread you can look up called "spying 101" to help you with that end. Considering your H "almost" cheated, he still might.

This next idea is not MB advice, I don't think, and maybe it should be carefully thought out, but....if you know anyone he works with, take them to lunch or show up on their break. Tell them you know your H was "involved" with the OW and you need to know if he's telling the truth. Some people will tell you the truth, and some won't. A lot of people are very uncomfortable getting involved. But, it may be worth a try. Can you check his overtime and have him account for his time?




He's probably been doing bad things that you don't know about yet. Don't let this statement go. Dig deeper.




My H had phone sex with the troll in our bed when I was out of town one weekend. He said he didn't feel any guilt about it when I first asked him about it. Now he says maybe he did on some kind of subconcious level because supposedly, he didn't get off.

Not having a guilty concious about having an affair means that he's selfish enough to feel entitled to get what he wants to feel good, no matter the cost to anyone else.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs and the Love Buster article yet?

If he isn't remorseful, you are not in M recovery.

L.

I can verify his overtime by looking at his pay stubs. If there was something, I don't think there still is. He hasn't worked any overtime in a while. Phone records would be hard for me to get my hands on. His cell is part of a family plan of his mothers. She gets the bill in her name at her house and if there is something, she will not let me see it I'm sure. I can try to spy on the computer, but again, he hasn't used that in a week or so either. My problem is that I need to dig into past information. Even if he did have an affair, I think we could work through that too. But I have to know the truth of all before we can. I just dont know whether to believe him or not. I have read His Needs Her Needs and all about the love busters. Like I said, I'm fully commited to making this work any way I can. I think that when he sees I am commited to it and that we wont fall back to where we were that he'll get on board too (I hope so anyway). That was his whole reason for not wanting to give it another try. He didn't want to end up right back where we were in a month or so and wind up with even more bitterness and hurt. But I really think I have to deal with this whole OW thing first. Its eating at me constantly.

Hi again Unsure.....

I don't have a lot of time right now because I have to go to school. But I wanted to tell you this.

I would highly suggest that you hold off on grilling your H just yet regarding the OW. Your H seems to be in what we call the WS fog. He won't really be able to work on your relationship while he is fogged out.

This is very important....read up on "plan A". You need to do the EN questionnaire available on this site. Print out two copies and you and your H both fill them out. Show him what you've read on EN's and love busters so he can see there are things you can do to restore the love. But, don't push this stuff. Just casually mention it for now. In the meantime, you try to meet all of his needs and avoid love busters. You need to for now, not worry about him and work on fixing what you need to fix about you.

After some time, maybe a month, after he starts seeing changes in you, he may not think all hope is lost. If you're meeting HIS needs, he'll probably start to fall madly in love with you again. After he does, when he starts to care about you again, then you can confront him again regarding the OW. While you're doing the plan A, dig for all the info you can without him knowing that you're snooping. Get that keylogger asap so the next time he gets on the computer, you can obtain his passwords then go into the computer and search everything.

Again, do a stellar plan A for now while snooping. Trust me on this.

Lady, you need more information. The "we're just friends" is enough of a red flag for you to properly suspect there's at least an EA on-going. The rule of thumb is if your instincts are telling you something is going on, something is. Investigate it to assure yourself one way or the other.

If you like, you can begin with a thread I have below in my signature area. The one about organizing a recovery plan would be a pretty good place to start but "Spying 101" might be your best bet initially.

Mopey,
I was sort of leaning towards that plan of action too. The OW isnt bothering me as much right now as something else. A few other people on other boards say that the fact that he suddenly wanted to seperate means that he has someone waiting for him. I really dont think he is seeing anyone now but I wonder if he wants to pursue someone. He says that he didnt want to try anymore bc he was afraid we'd end up right back here. He was really fed up with the way things were and I really want to believe him on this. If he can't be honest now, how can I learn to trust him again right? Should I push him on this issue or just let it wait for now too? He doesnt seem to want to fix this and its very hard. I know its only been a few days but I am very out of sorts right now. For the first time in four years I want a cigeratte. I am feeling very down today. But thanks for listening to me all the same. It really does help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Unsure.....

It is very true that most times when a spouse suddenly wants to leave their marriage, there is someone waiting for them in the wings. I don't care how much you think that there isn't something going on w/the chick at work, I think you may be seriously wrong. Remember....ALL WS lie about the affair when they are in the affair.

Remember I told you my H hated liars? When I asked him if there was another woman when he left me and he said no. I BELIEVED HIM! DO NOT believe anything your H is telling you about this OW right now, but don't confront him yet either until you have thoroughly snooped. Understand? Do your snooping so you will have peace of mind. Do not feel bad AT ALL about doing this. He has NO RIGHT to be keeping anything from you at all.

When my H told me he wanted a divorce 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me he didn't love me, etc, I was completely blindsided. We had our share of problems but I wasn't expecting this. Like I said, he moved out 3 days later.

His "suddenness" to leave blew me away. The first few weeks of our separation, I cried, begged, pleaded, got angry, etc. After a few weeks of that, I realized for my survival, I had to get myself together and concentrate on me. I was convinced he wasn't coming back to me. He was adamant that things could not be fixed between us. Of course it didn't help that there was another woman waiting in the wings. WSs will say this kind of stuff on their way out so they can "justify" their departure and what they're doing without saying, "Hey Unsure....I'm not getting my needs met by you and OW is doing a good job of that so I'm gonna leave you and go be with her, OK?".

I instinctively starting doing the "plan A" for my survival without even knowing anything about this site. In about 2 months time, my H started to see changes in me. He started to talk to me more. I tried to keep it light but it was excruciating and necessary for a plan A. He tells me that he remembers making a excuse to do laundry to come over here while his affair was still ongoing. He's not sure though. I wished he was. Then I'd know if maybe he was starting to want me more than her.

Anyway, a good plan A by you will make him WANT to be with you. Stay away from heavy relationship talk and OW talk for a few months. Meet all of his EN's and do the 15 hrs a week of recreational time. Have you read about RC yet?

Give him a chance to see what he'll be missing before you grill him. If you grill him without the plan A, he'll leave you and you won't get a chance to show him your changes very well. This will take a lot of willpower and strength on your part. You'll have to be the hero for your marriage right now. Later, it'll be his turn.

First things first, Plan A and snoop. If plan A doesn't work after a period of time, you'll need to go to plan B.

Have you read up on plan A yet?

ubh,

It is likely that the OW turned your husband's advances down because he was married, so now he is trying to end it so she might be interested in him again. Your H will not want to work on your M as long as he works with and pines for the OW.

Mopey,
I have read about RC. I haven't read up on Plan A though. It's hard for us to get 15 hrs a week. He works full time as well as takes a class three days a week. But I am going to get as many hours as I can in. He caught me snooping today on his phone. I felt guilty (I know, I know, bad me!). Then I couldn't resist asking a few questions. It's so hard not to. I just want to know!!! But he continued to deny. I honestly don't think there is anything going on right now though. There's no evidence to suggest it. No discreet calls or texts, no time on the computer, no time away from home not legitimate. But if there is someone else, I wonder if I can be enough to keep him around. I hope so. This sucks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But I will read up on Plan A and try to not ask any more questions for now.

I just read about Plan A. How do I get him to cut off contact with OW if he won't admit to it?

This is where snooping comes into play...Get the goods and then sing like a canary with exposure...I would strongly recommend putting a voice activated digital recorder in his car...

Mrs. W

Sadly, I was of the same opinion as you. I knew he wouldn't cheat. He also knew he would never cheat. "Pride goeth before the fall." A man who knows he wouldn't cheat doesn't take precautions against cheating, and a wife who knows he wouldn't cheat thinks he doesn't have to, that the problem is hers because she doesn't trust him.

My first post, five years and almost 3,000 posts ago, sounded a lot like yours. It was title "Emotional Affair."

Cherishing

You are not very convincing in regards to OW or no OW.

He is having an A even if it is all in his head and you are enabling it by being in denial with him. Why would he want to stay with someone who will be gullible enough to stay in denial. The WS wants someone who will fight for the M so he can fight back. Sounds crazy? Ask yourself if this whole thing is making YOU crazy. It will get worse the longer you stay in your current frame of mind....worse for you.

Decide if you want to continue to enable his A or get off that rollercoaster.

He is fooling you quite well.

L.