Hi

Of late, even though this is a difficult subject for me, my wife has been breaking me down emotionally and daily, it starts early in the morning.

Whenever there is a matter under discussion, for instance my eldest son's schooling, because I forgot to mention something important that me and him discussed...she now blames me by accusing that I am doing it just to spite her.

We hardly talk, she is on medication for depression, and whenever I try to bring up a conversation no matter what it is, 9/10 it turns out into an argument.

I just cannot handle this any longer, we have been to a marriage councellor before, but she accused him of taking sides and me of not being open, once we were done with the councelling (due to lack of medical funds to carry on) the situation just went back to square one.

I must confess my teenage son, has but done everything in the book that helped the situation getting worst than ever, but he has slowed down.

However I am stuck between a wall and a hard place because I cannot speak with him much without being accused of trying to be his buddy and not his father.

Well, enough ranting, what do you people think I can do...this morning I feel like crap, but I have ot run my laboratory and pretend that all is alright, what I really feel like is to hide on a dark place somewhere and just break down and cry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like your wife is mentally ill. Getting out now might seem like the rat deserting the sinking ship. It is a hard decision to make. I wold not argue with her, I would tell her straight up how you feel, accept what is your responsibilty (mentally ill people have poor sense of boundaries) and what is her responsibiltiy she has to take. You know what you can handle. You are a husband not a therapist.

Thanks Johoman.

She is too! But she will not recognize as such, she thinks me and sometimes my eldest child are just calling her crazy!

You with me? Sometimes I really don't know where to turn, things are so bad that dialogue is absolutely minimal, whenever we get to the point of dialogue, it almost always ends up in arguments.

What's more my sex life has halted completely, it is going now for three months.

My weight training too has become a problem, I am told this is now my god, noooooooo...it is the only thing that keeps me sane! I even backed off to twice p/week training to accomodate prayer meetings on Wednesdays. Its just that when I am busy with it, that is it, for an hour, then I'll do dishes and wahtever else I need to do to help out!

Ok...she has some pointers, my tongue is rather sharp and at times I have very strong statements, but hey...I'm not made of rubber, I have feelings too, and to just stand there and take a beating, because she feels I must pay for the last ting I did wrong three weeks ago, its just not my type of personality.

Anyway, happy to at least get one person patting me shoulder!

Cheers, mate.

Been there. My ExH didn't seek treatment for his undiagnosed depression until after we separated. For years it wasn't him - it was "everybody else" and especially "me" that "caused" all his troubles.

I walked on eggshells, when I asked him what was wrong he'd bark, "NOTHING!" (oops - my bad!)... and it led to behaviours that were destructive to the marriage.

Did I deal with it well? No. I own that. But once he'd lost it all he started to get help and he's still got some issues but he's come a long way.

So much so, that if you read my thread, I've still got feelings for him - they started to return before the D but by then we'd both moved on - I tried to "go back" but he had moved on and didn't want to - so we divorced.

Now that we're both unattached again (I have been for a while, his gold-digger g/f just dumped him and moved out) I'm wondering if there's a second chance somewhere down the road for us?

But this isn't about me -- sorry -- but I can totally relate to how hard it is living with a depressed person. Depression, moodiness, and paranoia are classic symptoms. She needs to see a therapist and a doctor or psychiatrist to adjust her meds, and get talk therapy to work out *her* issues. There may well be issues between you, but until she's ready and willing and able to deal with what's going on inside her, you may well be fighting a losing battle.

I didn't go about it the right way... but maybe you can, and will.

In loving support,

JinGA

Even when antidepressants work initially, after a while they usually need to be upped or adjusted somehow. You should let her know this and INSIST she get to a doctor to discuss her medication. Even a general physician will do (esp. if you are short on money!)

She does need to take some responsibility for managing her illness, but when you marry it is in sickness and in health. And depression is a sickness, but there is treatment, so don't give up.

Last night we had some heart wrenching discussion, I know I've been a big problem with her because I've for years ended up not being totally satisfied sexually and although I don't look outside for supoport with this need I tend to satisfy myself if you know what I mean, that has become the biggest problem for her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

On top of it, I've watched some porn on the internet, for what I don't really know, but that too has created huge problems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Although I am not looking for sympathy and this is extremelly private, I trust that in this board one can be adult enough to discuss these things as they may be others that have the same or similar problems and thus can probably offer solutions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

We ended up praying after a long talk where she attacked my innermost being, which led to me breaking down somewhat as things got rather emotional, due to the sensitive nature of the matters being discussed and because it involved my emotional attachment to her and my three boys.

Anyway.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />...that took some courage to write, I just hope I don't get too burned up as this may cause a stir in anyone's emotions.

We ended up praying together and I am pretty sure that God can ineterfere positivelly on this issue.

Soldier,

I don't think she should be upset about either of those things because your solo activities and porn are not the problem. The problem is that your sexual needs are not being met by the only person you are allowed to get them met by. So you need to put the focus back on that and not let her sidetrack you on these other issues.

Now as I see it, there are two possible reasons why you could be having this problem.

1) She's not doing something she needs to do so you can both have a satisfying sex life, or
2) You have some sort of problem, perhaps medical, that is blocking you. However, if you are satisfied by your solo activities that is a sign that the problem is #1.

So what you need to do is tell her what you need. You have to communicate these things. If she declines, well then your problem becomes more complicated, but one step at a time.

There is another possibility, though. I read the Savage Love advice column sometimes and learned that guys, when flying solo, sometimes are either very rough or are very routine in what they do. This causes them to get used to a very specific type of touch and therefore makes it harder for them to be satisfied by anything else. He suggests varying your routine and level of roughness when flying solo until you're able to be satisfied by a wider range of kinds of touch.

Aphrodite

I read you loud and clear, and you are right, although religiously she puts me in a spot and she clearly does not believe that I should have this problem or should have gotten rid of it waaaay long ago.

The problem is that when I tried to tell her without bein=g too direct that she needed to help me in order to conquer this vice, she simply would often decide to cut me off for a longuish while...now its been months, I'm actually sleeping in one of the kids beds, much to their dislike (they want me to be back in my bed where I belong).

I believe that this comes from the past where I was abusive both physically and emotionally, although that has stopped now for a long while.

She however claims that I am still being emotionally abusive, unfortunatelly we do not communicate nicely any longuer and what may strat off in a nice manner soon ends up pretty horrible, by which time I abondon the conversation.

1) In her current state of mind she cannot meet this need of mine.

2) Whenever we did make love she'd block out often in the middle of the act, and I pretty much enjoy giving oral stimulation as well as waiting for her to have an orgasm, so I don't think I have too much of a problem.

The only time we had this type of contact was when she took a kind of sleeping tablet where she was not argumentative and actually quite agreable and nice, then I would ask her and she would at first not quite agree but after a while decide it was ok, and so it would start.

However the day after she had accused me of raping her or what felt like it and I am appaled at this, I have never ever raped anyone, as I like to have my partner take part in the act or else it makes me loose my erection totally.

No, the flying solo thing is rather out of a need, I train weights too so the needs becomes even greater and I have no other release system.

Thanks for all your time.

Soldier

Hey

Why did it stop here? Did I scare anyone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I'm just being truthful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Soldier,

No, I don't get chased away that easily! I guess I lost track of this topic but I learned to use the favorites option for threads since then.

By the way, this is Aphrodite, but I've changed my screen name, you see.

Okay, the first thing you need to focus on is getting to to the doctor to see if she needs her medication adjusted. Maybe you can go with her to talk to the doctor yourself and see what else you can do to help her. You may have to accept that your sex life will be nonexistent a little while longer, but hopefully with the right meds it won't be too much longer IF you can get her seen by someone. Like a said, a general physician will do.

Also, sometimes chocolate can give a very mild mood boost while waiting for her new dose or new meds to kick in. It's not a big difference, but it can take the edge off a really bad day (and gives you points for being affectionate.) If she's on a diet, hot chocolate with skim milk isn't too bad. It's also important that she get enough sleep, and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. I can't stress enough how important sleep is.

If she's taking something that causes her to "block out" during sex or feel like she had sex she didn't want, that is definitely the wrong medicine for her. You probably should definitely go with her to the doctor if you can. Also, *some* antidepressants can kill the sex drive. But not all of them. Changing meds can make a big difference.

If she says you are emotionally abusive...and you say you have been in the past, maybe you are being sharper with your tongue than you realize. I assume you had anger management counseling in the past? If so, it would be a good idea to review what you learned. Try to be patient with her. She is sick, after all.

But what do you do when she is verbally abusive to you? Well, you don't have to take it just because she's sick, but don't make the situation worse by yelling back at her. She's only lashing out at you because she's in pain. Give yourself a time out. Go into another room or even leave the house and go for a walk if you have to. This is also good advice for when YOU are feeling a bit too angry.

Another option, when you can do it, is to ignore her angry tone and focus on the content of what she says. Speak calmly and address her concern, while ignoring her tone. This can sometimes calm a person down who is being irritable. This is easier to do when you can remind yourself that it's not personal...she's just being grumpy because she's hurting.

As for the masturbation, she may not be able to have a rational discussion about something so emotionally charged right now. Depression doesn't just affect your mood, it clouds your thinking, your concentration, even your short-term memory. But I've heard that a lot of guys do it in the shower. That would seem to be the most discreet way of coping until she's either well enough to discuss it with you again or well enough so that you don't need it anymore.

One more thing, when she's not being irritable she might appreciate some extra non-sexual affection, hugging, cuddling, etc.

Soldier,

You are back in your bed where you belong, right?

Just my two cents, but they (the kids) are right, and you belong in the marital bed. If you wife can't stand it, she can find a place to sleep. Among other issues, you're making it crystal clear to the children that there is a martial rift -- why are you going out of your way to do this?

Just be as considerate as possible otherwise (i.e., smell nice, use mouthwash).

- WG

Aphro

Thanks for responding...I also took my time to come back anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She refuses to go to any doctor or even to the concellor we started seeing, she says I must stop saying she is depressed as I am not a doctor! She also stopped all the medication on her own even tough I mentioned that anti depressants must be "weaned off" slowly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Looks like my sex life will never exist with her ever again, by the strong stance she is taking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The trouble with her is not "blocking out" as such but because she is ruled by her head, she does not let go of bad memories, and after a while she starts thinking about those and then "bang" she's back into this horrible stance again. The medication made her soft and talkative which made me want to get physically invoved and I did but mostly ended up with a "guilt trip".

I can be quite sharp with my tongue I know specially when sahe is in a negative mood of accusing me, like with our 17 year old (he's extremelly rebellious and I know I f....d up where he's concerned as I should have been much more stern than I was), but being accused every time the subject comes up gets to me, as I believe I can only fix the present if possible and make adjustments for the future but cannot go back into the past and fix it!

She simply does not want to understand the masturbation part of things (to add to the trouble she caught me once or twice, unfortunatelly). I have told her that I have no one else but that I simply cannot go on without sex, I really can't...as I have tried.

I understand she is sick (or so I think) but she is getting very personal threatening to accuse me in church and talk about such private things as we're discussing here (this is difficult to do as I don't quite know where to turn to.

Sometimes I think I may be a sex addict and if so...what do I do? How do I get help? I believe that if my sexual life was normal I would not need porn or much masturbation at all, but I could be wrong, teh fact is my sex life has not been "normal" for at least 5 years, and I have been forced into long periods of abstinence, for being "naughty".

I am about to get serious and really go for a divorce because being 40 I feel I have about 20 or so productive sexual years that I'd like to enjoy with someone who apprecites my drive and myself for who I am.

Besides, like this my natural talents are withering...really!

Wrong, I'm still sleeping next doort with one of teh kids, alternated.


That's an expensive two cents! I can't take the chauvinistic approach at all to try and keep the peace, besides I can easily accomodate, if it is going to improve things, the problem is it isn't! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


Let's just say I was told to "or else" amongst much shouting and screaming, I conceded. The kids understand but have not spoken much about it, although I know they hurting.

I'm glad your back posting. How is your M in general?

I still say you belong in the marriage bed. However, if you won't do that, why aren't you on the couch? Or the carpet?

Don't your kids deserve their own bed?

You said they don't like it (your sleeping there)? Yet you do it.

You are getting some need (affection?, warm body?) from your children, not your spouse. I tender that this is *not* healthy for you and **not** healthy for your children.

Among other things you teach them that children are there to meet the needs of adults.

You moved out of the bedroom because of shouting and screaming. So the kids know who has all the power in the relationship (i.e., your wife) and that in general (as apparently with the 17yo) acting out, screaming helps them get their way.

Ignore the histronics. Move in the bedroom. Your odds of SF are zero outside the bedroom.

In one sense, the screaming is good. You have to confront the problem, not ignore it and skulk away.

Wishing you the best,

- WG

Soldier,

Okay you say she's depressed, she says she's not. Although it's true you're not a doctor you CAN insist that she go to a general physician to rule out any physical causes and get her new medication if necessary. It sounds like the ones she was on weren't working very well for her anyway.

One possible alternative if she's really stubborn would be to talk her into self-help using either cognitive psychology or Rational-emotive Behavior therapy. Both of these try to moderate extreme emotions by rooting out irrational (self-defeating) thoughts and replacing them with rational ones. "Feeling Good: the New Mood therapy" is a great book on this. There are websites about REBT as well: http://www.rebtnetwork.org/index.html and http://www.albertellisinstitute.org/aei/index.html

And you need to monitor how she's interacting with the kids and possibly take over some of those responsibilities if necessary. You need to make sure they are okay through all this because she may be too tired to do what's needed or she may be irritable and yell at them over something minor.

And you're not a sex addict. You're just doing what anyone would do during a dry spell. Next time she catches you just say, "Would you like to join me? No? Okay, I'll do it myself then." Don't act like you're guilty of something, don't apologize, do use humor if you can. She might need to talk to a counselor or someone who can help her understand that what you're doing is normal and it's rather bizarre, not to mention self-defeating, for her to punish you for it by withholding sex. Are her religious objections to this something she always had or is this possibly a symptom of the depression? Because in rare cases depression can include psychotic episodes.

If your wife is depressed she would withdraw from normal things she does. For me, I'm on zoloft but the IC said not for depression as I work out 4 days a week and do a sports league. If your W has interests, she's not depressed. Don't know enough about her, but I do know she sings much of the same story as my story.

I'm being treated for post traumtic stress disorder with anxiety. My H raped me, although he denies too. I also told my H go rent some porn and beat off. At some point after I was raped I get these feeling that come back that say...remember he raped you. Mine say...selfish [censored] deserve nothing!!!

My H thinks he is just in his suffering month...more like years. Like I said in a post, my H cut his [censored] off. Perhaps you did the same? Look at yourself first for the imperfections, then look at your W.

Well at least I haven't made my H sleep with the kids. I'm not that cruel. I would rather see my H suffer watching me crawl in bed naked. I have no intentions on having sex with my selfish [censored] again. I bet you say to your W often...I would never hurt you.

Is your W depressed because of you?

For someone who calls herself strugglingless, you have a real knack for judging! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How can you say I raped my wife? I came to this site asking for advice as an adult and I get a "beating"? Strange how this is going by. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I am man enough to admit I have problems but I certainly do not need some cyber personality to tell me off! I know I am not the husband I should be but am far from being a rapist and I dispise you for saying that, hope you notice it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

For someone who calls herself strugglingless, you have a real knack for judging! [color:"blue"] [/color]
How can you say I raped my wife? I came to this site asking for advice as an adult and I get a "beating"? Strange how this is going by. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I am man enough to admit I have problems but I certainly do not need some cyber personality to tell me off! I know I am not the husband I should be but am far from being a rapist and I dispise you for saying that, hope you notice it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />