I just found out that my husband of 12 years (plus 5 years of dating) has been having a month long affair with a 21 year old coworker. We have three children ages 2, 7, and 9. I am shocked as I'm sure everyone is in this situation. The most confusing part is that our family is everything to him. He usually wants to be with us every moment and is such a wonderful, involved father. He has always adored me too. Of course I am devastated. The first two days we both cried a lot and he expressed remorse but also told me that he has "feelings" for the other woman.

Two days later he told me he wanted to work on the marriage. He came home from work the first day and wouldn't quit staring at me. He kept telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was. When we woke up the next morning, I could tell he was feeling different. He said he was very confused, overwhelmed, and didn't know what to do. The counselor and I both told him he needed to end it immediately that day. He never did.

The next day I told him he had to end it and I told him he needed to do it in an unemotional way (he kept talking about hurting her feelings.) At the end of the day, I was pressuring him and he finally told me he'd do it, but in his own way. Apparently he talked to her in person and started ended it. But when she got upset, he kissed her and ended up calling me as he was following her to her house. I was devastated and pleading with him to come home. He was emotionless and didn't even seem like the same person. After talking to the kids, he said he'd come home and eventually told her it was really over.

On his way home though, he called her to see if she was ok. The next day he called her to check in and gave her some hope. So now it's not over, even though they haven't been sexual since I found out.

He has been so consumed with not knowing what to do that our counselor suggested that he take a week to think without pressure. We are on day 2 of that week. I am showing him love and making our relationship seem desirable.

I'm just so confused and scared that he won't make a decision. Everyone is telling me to kick him out, but I love him so much and I know this is more than a decision between me and her (he's battled a porn addiction for years so there are many unmet needs and wounds from his past.)

I look forward to getting to know you all. Any advice would be appreciated.

so sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> this sucks

you are welcome here

please read the entire site and become familiar with the concepts

buy the book Surviving an Affair ... read it !

Get checked for STDs

find out everything you can about OW
boyfriend?
parents?

secure your finances ... the waywards spend FAMILY monies with impunity

let us know what your questions are

I am sorry to say that this:



is undoubtedly false ... both of them WILL lie to you

Pep

Unfortunately, he will need to quit his job to get away from her. He is like a drug addict that is getting his drug everyday, but is "quitting". So far he has "quit" 3 or 4 times, right?

There is no "doing it his way". His way will assure that the affair continues.

Start on Plan A by showing him what a wonderful wife you can be. If he refuses to look for another job, then you can expose the affair at his work, and to your friends and family. That usually cools it a bit.

[color:"red"] here are some useful links to get started [/color]


Acronyms

For Newly betrayed

Carrot/Stick Plan A thread

Getting ready for Plan B thread

emj,

First, I am so sorry for you. I know what you're going through. It has to be the most excruciating pain anyone can put upon another. It's truly unbelievable.

But ... you are in the best place. Listen to Pepperband, Believer, and all the other pros that will come to your rescue. Do what they say and read, read, read. I know it's a pain in the butt. The last thing you want to do is sit and read about this crap. But DO it. It works, emj.
This site hugely contributed to saving my marriage. I followed the plans as best I could. I wasn't great at it, because it is so incredibly difficult, and sometimes humiliating. It often feels counterintuitive, especially Plan A. But plow through it, and just do it.

Best of luck to you. rlt

To add,from re reading your post, it really sounds like your husband loves you, but he is caught in this horrible trap. ONCE he gets away from the OW and maintains no contact for a reasonable amount of time, he should come to his senses. But as so many have told me here before and I have come to realize myself through my own experience, recovery is even more difficult that discovery. Just a gentle warning, if you're in for the long haul, this isn't for the faint of heart ...

I am really sorry that you have to be here, but you have found the best place for help, and two of the experts have already given you great advice. Read what they tell you to read. Like rlt says, sometimes the stuff feels counterintuitive, but I really believe it's the best thing you can do.

Try to understand that your husband is not the same person he used to be. That's not to say that you can't get him back, but it's better right now to think of him as a drug addict or a victim of the Body Snatchers. He will lie to you. He will say things that don't make sense.

When I found out about my wife's (of 14 years) affair, we started counseling. Both our marriage counselor and her individual counselor told her that it wasn't always realistic for one of the infidels to change jobs--that she could continue to work with him and recover our marriage. They were wrong. When my wife looked me in the eye and told me things, I believed her. I was wrong.

Don't underestimate the changes that have happened in your husband. Take what the people here tell you seriously.

^^bumps^^
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much for everyone's responses. I have a few questions about plan A. What is the minimum time for plan A? He should be staying in our home while continuing his affair? Do I discontinue my sexual relationship with him? Do I ask him questions about what is going on with her? (at this point, he is telling me everything they talk about and do- even telling me that they kissed last night). Can I anonymously tell his work what is going on? Sorry for all the questions.

Did you read the links yet?

he's editing what he tells you

Pep

emj,

He is not ending it, but rather postponing it. The longer it goes on, the worse things will get. You need to nip this in the but while it is fresh. You need to call his work, but not anonymously. You need to set up an appointment with his boss and HR and let them know about the relationship and that you expect them to do something about it (at the minimum, make sure they do not have to work together). You need to expose to his family and friends, but when you expose, you let them know that you are exposing because you love your H, are trying to save your M and keep your family together, and are asking for their assistance. Read up on plan A, identify his top 5 ENs and work at meeting them, and identify your LBs and avoid them. He'll get pissed off for a few weeks, but he'll calm down and exposure will have effectively killed your affair. I would also confront the OW and expose to her family. Things will be haywire for a while, but you can get through this.

Question:



Did WH confess to you?

or

Did you suspect something or discover something .... and ~then~ WH spilled the beans ?

Pep

Read.

Expose.

Plan A.

Keep your chin up.

God bless you through this ... rlt.

I read the links. He confessed after I probed about a particular situation.

I do not recommend this !! Nothing good ever comes out from confronting the OP.... expose to her family, yes by all means do that....

(no offense Jim, just had to put in my .02)

What situation made you suspicious. Please describe.

Thanks

Pep

It sometimes works if your WS is feeding the OP lies like it is over between us. When I say confront, I mean, let the OP know that you know, and that you aren't going to continue to let the A happen. I don't mean get into a physical altercation.