All critical advice needed, please. My wife & I have been married for 2 1/2 yrs.I am 27 she is 25. we have a 15mos. old daughter. she has been living with her parents for 3 months. Life at home together was what i thought a typical marriage. I worked, she took care of our child. there's been enough money to have nice things. anyway, she went to the clubs out with her friends around the holidays, and then it beacame an every week thing. I had suspicions she met someone. when i started being critical of her whereabouts, and who she was talking to, it just started arguments. she moved out in january. anyway, to get to the point. I feel she wants to have her cake and eat it too. she will not let me go, but will not come back home either. it is so hard for me to leave her alone. I love her, and want nothing but to have my family back. when i have our child, i feel she sleeps at his house, and she tells me, she sleeps at a girlfriends house. I strongly feel she is lying, she is just telling me everything i want to her. why won't she just make a choice him or me. last weekend we took a weekend trip away, which started out very nice, but ended with an argument about her answering his phone calls in front of me "the i'll call you tomorrow, call" WTF, how disrespectful. then spent the next 2 nights with him while i had our daughter. i feel i can't do this anymore, but i don't want to lose my family. how can i expose their affair and stop them from seeing each other, when she says he's just a friend, and she's alowwed to have friends? I am doing plan a, showing her how great life can be with me, but i also pressure her whenever she's been at his house or on the phone with him. should i do plan b yet? if i've left anything out pleass ask. otherwise, any advice?

Hire a PI, and get full report and pics and names and addresses and phone numbers.

Read "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley.

Get the PI report and keep posting here to learn how to expose the affair, which is the most efficient way to stop it, or at least disrupt it.

Read on this site and learn all you can. Affairs are rather ordinary, and not at all unique like you might believe.

Buckle up, it's a haill of a ride.

SD

Wow, I really feel for you bro. You really need to start out by reading as much as you can about affairs, emotional needs, plan A, etc.

Like SD said above, you need to expose this affair to as many people as you can as soon as possible.

I'll let the experts chime in and give you more advice, but I am going through something similar and just wanted to let you know you are not alone and that you have found the right place if you want to save your marriage. The more you let us know and the more you read, the better position you will be in to save and fight for your marriage by doing the right things.

Most importantly, take care of yourself and buckle up, its going to be a crazy, unpleasant, hurtful ride, but if you truly want to save your marriage, you need to get a Plan together and work that plan to the best of your ability. The fact that she has moved out, makes it a little tougher, but not impossible. I am in the same situation as my WW moved out as well, and it has been 3+ months and I am still fighting for my wife. But, without this site, I would be doing everything wrong. Stick around, post in this thread frequently and listen to those who really have been through this and can give you much better detailed advice than me. In the meantime, read, read, read and learn as much as you can about how this happened, what an affair is all about and how to attack and end it.

Hang in there - we all support you.

God bless you -
VS

other than the expense of a PI, are there any other ways to expose the affair? she lies and denies everything i ask about her "friend" it will create an argument, and she blames me for being controlling and that's why she's not telling me who her new friends are. isn't this great?!!!

I have done the PI thing. I did it. Got the evidence I needed, moved out. Within a month I asked him to take me back. I just wasn't aware at the time the full scope of the problem, and really wasn't ready for a divorce.

If you have every intention of filing a divorce based on adultery, get a PI. Have her followed so multiple occasions are documented. I can't afford a PI myself at this point either- hundreds of dollars up front! If you just want to know for yourself, so that you know the truth, do it.

If I had ANY friends, or anyone I knew whom I could ask to follow her, I'd do so. If I could pay someone- other than PI rates, I would. My WH seemed to be pretty clueless. I think it's pretty easy to do. Most PI's are only doing one thing. You give them lots of info as to where and when she definately is- like work, and they simply follow them from there. Someone they don't recognize in a car they don't recognize can probably get alot of info without getting too close, at least places she is going, much less who she is with. That is one thing the PI did- found out name of OW based on car tags and following her home.

I won't comment on what else you should do, b/c I am in the thick of it myself. I wish us BS's could get together and help each other with the detective work! I don't need legal proof, just knowledge! I have kids at home, too.

You have my sympathy, and best wishes.

I know it cost some money you might not want to spend, and yes, you might employ some very trusted friends to assist with doing the investigative work for free, but...

Most WS's will deny and lie to the bitter end. When you do the ultimate confrontation, it is the best case scenario to have irrefutable evidence, which a PI can provide. I did my own investigating, and it took a long time to find out everything a PI could have had in a few days. My then WW, stuck with the "it's only a friend", until I had the hard evidence which could not be denied.

Once you have the hard evidence, make copies, put them in a safe place. My WW tried to rip the e-mails I captured and tear them up. Have a backup set of copies your spouse can't find and/or destroy.

You can then "schedule" your ultimate confrontation with a broad based exposure, to the OM's H, to your WW's parents, siblings, close friends, and to superiors in their workplace. All this done at once is the single most devastating blow you can deal to the Affair.

I know it is terrifying to consider doing all this, but it's what must be done, if you wish to take tried and true steps to save your marriage.

Best wishes,
SD

You could buy a GPS and put it in her car. Then watch on the computer to see if she goes to his house while you have your child.

There's a thread here called "Spying 101". Read it. It'll give you good tips on ways to find out about your WS's affair and get the 'proof' you need.

You all are extremly helpful. I see you all as having the same focus as me, "putting my family back together"!! I thank you all. Anyway, I feel if by some slight chance she catches me putting a gps in her car, or VA recorder.. it will only blow up in my face. and even in i do find she's sleepig at his house. she'll only say, I quote "we are separated, i can do whatever i want to do" ": we are just friends" "stop trying to control me, and focus on you, instead of controlling my life". does this sound similiar to anyone? where is the line between being controlling and be walked all over? i feel it's a lose lose situation. anyway, today i spoke to her, and offered her a day at the spa on me, because i understand she is stressed, and under pressure. she told me...... how thoughtful i was and even, if we don't work things out, i'm still a really good person. i don't get it..... she doesn't want to come home, but she doesn't want to lose me.... she says she doesn't want a divorce or legal separation. but also says we have to many differences. she confuses the $%^# out of me. on the nights that she has our daughter, she'll call, and i know it's just to see where i am, and what i am doing. but on the nights i have my daughter, it's almost impossible to contact her. i wonder how long i will have the strngth to battle this challenge?

anyone have the link to spying 101? couldn't find it....

Hello all, just curious why advice has stopped being offered? Am I in the wrong forum? anyway, just found out my wife is also struggling with an ED. I feel I need to back off with the pressure, and just let her affair die on it's own. the OP, is not a long term threat anyway. i am very much convinced the grass is not greener on the other side, she just needs to figure that out on her own. she called me today "just to say hello" we had small, happy talk. I've stopped all R & M talk. she'll talk when she's ready. Today, when i picked up my D, she asks me. What wrong with you? i notice she asks me this ? often. does this mean anything? just curious.Also curious why even though we are not living together, why she still has a need to know what i am doing, and who comes to the house. she has asked that no female friends she doesn't know be around our D while i have her. If she doesn't want to be with me, why not just tell me, she wants a legal separation, or divorce? I thin kshe has made me as confused as she is. today, I was a little sad b/c I dislike having to share our daughter in different houses on different days, and i have no control over it. I want my D raised in a loving home as a family. anyway, the ED, explains why she doesn't like to be touched, and is always so insecure about the way she looks. even when she was home, she never wanted me to touch her stomach. the truth of the matter, is this girl is so beautiful, she has no idea how attractive she is... & not just to me. anyway, I think it's best i stop calling and let her come to me when she's ready. is this a bad idea? when she does call, & I am upbeat, and encouraging her calls. thankful.

You really must spy and find out if there is an affair. The most dangerous thing to your marriage is an affair, not your wife getting angry.

How did the ED come up?

exhauted, you were given some really good advice. You need to spy on her to find out the truth. Did you follow through? There is really no point in giving you more advice if you don't follow through.

her mother has been very supportive of me, and she(hwe mother) called me and said she has issues with herself. if I do spy and find she's been staying at his house, she'll just say "we are separated, and i can do what i want!" i am my own person! stop trying to control me, we are separated.

You still need to know what is going on with your marriage.

That is cute, but misses the point. She is not expected to say: "thank you so much for spying on me and showing me the error of my ways." We don't expect that the WS is going to welcome the evidence you uncover. If she feels she is entitled to have an affair because she is seperated, then it wont' bother her one bit when you tell her entire family and the OM's family that she is conducting an affair, right? No problemo!

Your job is to find out the truth and expose it to all concerned. That is how you save your marriage.

exhauted, in short, it doesn't MATTER if she believes she is entitled to an affair. She is NOT. As long as she is married, she is not free to have an affair despite what she thinks. She can believe she is a baloney sandwich but it doesn't mean its true. Same with believing she is entitled to have an affair. She ain't.

But the best way for you to wake her up is to find the truth and EXPOSE IT. When she is forced to explain her sleazy little affair to others, she won't feel so entitled anymore. She will feel embarrassment when the light is shone on her affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure ruins them.

Ok, with a little kicking and screaming, I GOT IT! i HAVE SOME WORK TO DO.

GOOD MAN!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

exhauted,
Glad to see you finally got it! Read again the proponents of Plan A. It's not just about making yourself stronger and more attractive, but also about breaking up the A. Unless and until you can gather the evidence of her A, you are sort of standing there legless.

If you decide to gather this evidence and prove she is having this A, then you have at your disposal, the greatest weapon to end it. It's called exposure! When you expose, it will be a complete and total exposure to everyone who could possibly have an influence over her behavior and the behavior of OM as well!!!

That would mean, her family(and of course MIL), and all of his family or other significant people who would frown upon them for this behavior. It's like turnig on all the lights in a crack house. It ruins their fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Good luck and stick around here, you won't regret it.

All Blessings,
Jerry