Any Thoughts on this before I send it?

Hope you're doing well. As you know, I've been through some very challenging moments since you've chose to leave. I love you with all my heart and didn't want to face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain together for life, it is exhausting and sad, to see our marriage begin to end. Anyway, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to control you. This is simply unfair to you. . As I look back on our marriage and earlier years together, I remember that you married me of your own free choice. I did not control you or force you. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say, we have too many differences, you're not "in love" with me, and obviously, I have to let you go. I understand that I can't force you to come home today no more than I could have made you marry me 2 1/2 years ago, You are free to go. If you never come home, I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to be ok. You and I shared some wonderful times together, Shawna . You are the mother of my daughter and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I trust that you will make the best choices for you and our daughter, as i will do the same. I don't think our separation is best for Madison, but i think it's best for you. I know we are separated but I am having a hard time dealing with you spending nights at another man's place. If you need proof of how I know this, just ask i will show you proof. I think for a few weeks it's a good idea to exchange Madison through family. Just for a few weeks. I want you to know this is not the marriage i agreed to. I wanted to be a family, raise our daughter together, go on family vacations, be a family. I'm sorry if i am not the same man today, as when you met me. I wanted you to live an enjoyable life with me. Nice things, Happiness, fun, and adventure. I'm sorry I lost that focus, I'm sorry I failed to fulfill your needs.

Take Care of You!

This is a good letter but I would not send it. It won't help you because you can't reason with a drunk. You cannot convince her you aren't "controlling" because that is only a complaint used to manipulate you; it is a complaint manufactured to justify adultery. Nor can you use reason with someone who uses no reason.

Better to simply confront her about her affair. Tell her you know she is having an affair and ask her to stop. It is never acceptable to have an affair while you are married. Adultery is adultery and no one is entitled to adultery.

She will refuse to quit, of course, and claim she is entitled.

Your next step is tell her mother and family that she has left you to have an affair. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage for you and DD and ask them to help persuade her to stop her affair.

Get ahold of OM's parents too and tell them this. If there are any other exposure targets, such as decent friends, aunts, uncles, pastor, etc., expose to them too. If this is a workplace affair, expose to the employer.

She will be furious however, if she is entitled to have an affair, as she claims, she should be happy to have everyone know about her adultery, no? She can't very well be mad unless she feels she is doing something wrong.

So, put the letter aside for another day and go tell her you know about her affair and ask her to stop. Be sure and tell her that adultery is adultery, and seperation does not change that. And DO NOT tell her you are going to expose her affair or use it as a threat, that is a BAD IDEA that will cause you trouble.

Say what??? Sepertation is the best thing for her?? HOW SO? Are you that bad of a husband? Seperation is TGERRIBLE for marriages. If your marriage is that bad for her, you should hang it up right now! So, how is your marriage bad for her? What do you mean when you say seperation is best for her?


You qualified this with "I know we are seperated.." as if you also believe she is entitled. You act like this is basically nothing and please excuse you, AS HER HUSBAND, for daring to bring it up!! You don't even once call it what it is: ADULTERY! Your wife is having an affair and you approach it as if it is no more important to you than her leaving the cap off the toothpaste!

Do you know that adultery is as traumatic as being RAPED? Let's not treat this as some mundane irritant of no more importance than leaving toe nail clippings on the floor.

My friend, I fear you are more fogged out than she is! What gives here??

How do i do a good plan A if she refuses to stop hanging with her "other friends". I have exposed this to all i feel can do something about it. I feel if i continue to call, and do nice things, take her places, etc. it's like giving her, her cake and letting her eat it too. I feel i should just be distant and let her miss me. when i stopped calling for a few days, she kept asking me, why i am not clling anymore, or why i don't wanna talk. she said it makes her sad. anyway, is there any FWW, that could tell me if this is true? Is it possible she has just found new friends, and they are i fact just frinds? she says she doesn't want a divorce, but she doesn't want anything with me until we can stop fighting, ad become friends. (at this point, all of our fights are about our marriage, and her sleeping at "friends place" I plan on taking our DD camping soon, do i invite her, or just go on with my plans and leave her wayward a$$ home? She was a stay at home mom, and now with her parents, at what point do i stop paying for her new car, cell phone, bills, etc? or is this just something i do, until we figure out our marriage? any help would be great.

exhausted, you should not be paying anything expept child support for your DD. You are not supposed to finance her affair. If she wants to live a single life, she will have to get a job.

Did you read my other posts?

This caught my eye, as my WW and I are also separated and this is something I have heard myself. Accusations of controlling always arise when you have a case of separation, in fact, it's not often that I read a case of infidelity without hearing that either. Arm yourself with this knowledge, as you are not trying to control her.

Remember: Everything you do and say will be seen as controlling. Don't approach things with the intent of controlling or manipulating her, do things that your conscience tells you are neither. You are your own compass on this.

Stay the course and follow the excellent advice you have coming to you. Do not allow justifications, such as the quote above, to weaken your resolve. Do not fear exposure, it is indeed the most powerful weapon in your A-busting arsenal.

As for her friends, you won't be able to convince her of anything right now, much less who she hangs out with. You don't want her to do anything that she doesn't want to do, period. If her friends are influencing factors in her A, then that may become an issue if you enter recovery. Telling her to stop hanging out with them will be seen (and is) controlling. Your Plan A should include the strength and confidence to avoid controlling behaviour. It's perfectly ok to be honest with your WW about your feelings regarding these friends, but that will usually come later. Right now, at this moment, you DO NOT have to be honest with her. You cannot be honest, you have a war to wage for your marriage and that will require some discreet actions. (Exposing before you tell her, hiring a P.I., etc)

In short, I wanted to drop by and add my affirmation of everything folks are telling you. I know exactly where you are, and have a good idea where you are headed.

What proof do you have of an A, Ex? I apologize if I missed that. I have no doubt your wife is involved with someone in an A based on this alone:



Do not accuse her of anything or confront until you have enough evidence that you are convinced and she cannot deny it. Do not tell her how you obtained this info - do not tell her you hired a P.I., be vague.

Onwards, assuming I'm lazy and didn't read the earlier posts and you have already caught her: I agree, do NOT pay her anything.

On the note of separation, NO - Separation is not a good thing for a M. One should never, ever, leave the home if they are contemplating doing so. Your WW has already done so, and I can tell you that in the VAST majority of cases (Dr. Harley touches on this on the site, I'll look it up for you) their is someone waiting in the wings. I believe it's a 90% + rate with a separation.

Again, arm yourself with knowledge and study the site here. Knowing what you are up against will strengthen you tremendously. I would recommend you begin thinking NOW and EARLY that your Plan A is all about you. That will accomplish what you are talking about with making her miss you. Do NOT be needy. Seriously. Don't call when you don't have to, be the first to hang up. Grow strong, pull yourself together, work on you.

Given her comments, I would recommend asking her if she would be willing to talk to Steve Harley. Have you set up an appt with Steve yourself? Talk to the master about this. Your WW mentions "coming home when we can stop fighting about the M", well, get in with SH and get an appt.

I just spent a half hour typing back to you guys only to have the thing say, "the page is not valid" ugh,,,,,, and now i have lost all i have typed. sorry i'll try again tomorrow

Melody: I did read your post. It made me think, more than i wanted to. I revised my letter and added "It's not acceptable to me, for you to sleep at his house when you are still married to me. As long as there is other men in your life, I will not be.(other than mutual male friends)" I know she read the email, but did not say anything about it. (kinda like dealing with an alien) in fact she invited me easter dinner at her parents. I said, if you can not stop contact with OM, then i am not interested in spending time with you. I also brought up the new car she's driving and i think it's time, she look for a reasonable car she can afford, and she's needs to find a place for her cats. the car and cats topic, thre her off the hook, and a started a fight. she feels i at least owe her a car, and the cats are half my responsibility. I said you chose to leave, that's why i don't eed to pay for your car. Anyway after this fight, i decided to email OM, and tell him what a scumbag i think he is, and that our little girl doesn't live with mommy & daddy because of him. and he's needs to find SINGLE woman, instead of a married woman with a child. he won't returm my email, and has changed his cell number. Jayban: what proof? $500 Cell bill to which most calls are to him, (she has recently got her own phone,and i am still paying for the old one. she has come here in the morning after being at his house with his sweatshirt. she says "I'll call you later, when i come in the room, and she's on the phone. she completetly unavailable when she's with him. will not answer cell phone. leaves her parents house after midnight and no one knows where she goes. need more, yes, some is circumstantial. Thanks for all your advice, some hard to swallow, but putting me into action. yes melody, i may be in more of a fog than she is. this is the most challenging time of my life. I've exposed her A to all i believe can do something about it. even if i prove her car is at his place, what good will that do? she know i know that's where she is. she just doesn't care i guess. the answer to all my questions in I don't know!

Cut off the money, exhauted. Only pay child support. If she wants to live like a single woman then she shouldn't get the benefits of a married woman.

So I take it that everyone knows about the affair? Her parents, siblings, etc? Everyone needs to be told about her affair.

there are 3 ways to reply to a post....

1. the "quick reply" box at the bottom of the page <~~~ times out quickly

2. hit "reply" option at the top of any individual post already written <~~~ takes longer to time out (also gives you the smilies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> and the colors to choose from ... plus other stuff like URL and bold, etc.)

3. hit the "quote" option at the top of any post already written (I did this option and I quoted what you wrote in a little box) <~~~ gives you longer to complete ~~~> plus, gives you the quoted post you were looking at (and the other extras I previously mentioned)

another way to keep from timing out is to hit the "I want to preview my post" option .... shows you what your post will look like as written, and re-starts the clock ...

hope this helps

Also, when it times out, you can hit the BACK button and copy and paste what you wrote so you don't lose it. Then refresh the thread, get a new reply box and paste it in there.

Ex,

It won't get any easier to swallow for awhile. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Why? Because seeing and knowing are two different things. Once you get proof it's a bitter pill to swallow, which surprises you if you already "know" that she is in an A. On the note of proof, you said:



Hire a P.I. Get it on video. The P.I. won't be able to catch them in the act of SF, or anything like that - don't get your expectations up that high. But, a P.I. will give you all the undeniable proof you need. I highly recommend a GPS tracker as well, they are relatively cheap and will help you pinpoint where she is going (OM's house/apt) so that you can save money on the P.I.

Do you have access to her vehicle? Is it titled in both your names? If you use a cheap GPS, you will need to place it in the vehicle and retract it later to download the data to see where she is going.

Get proof. When you get proof, it will strengthen you up a bit. Knowing with certainty what you are up against is a major boost. It was a turning point in my story, helped me to start snapping out of that weakness that comes with the weeks after separation. It will do the same for you.

And yes, CUT OFF HER MONEY!!!

And no spa time for her.

Of course she's stressed out...she's living a lie.

Destroying her family.

And don't answer her questions about what you're doing.

On nights she has your child, and she calls let your phone go to voice mail, so if there is an emergency w/ your child she can let you know.

Otherwise, let her wonder where you are.

~ Marsh

exh:

Don't send the letter. It will do no good whatsoever until your W comes out of the fog.

Write letters all you want, for YOUR benefit. Just don't send any. ...but posting here accomplishes much of the same thing as writing but not sending.

Does someone have the link 2 WAT's quickstart guide for BSs?

"Separated" is still married. It is not okay 2 cheat while separated. However, that doesn't stop WSs who even acknowledge that they're married, so it's not really ammunition for you anyway. But since telling the truth isn't lovebusting, it's okay 2 remind her of this fact. Just don't expect her 2 agree with you.

You have 2 cars? Is she driving the new one and you driving the "beater?" If yours is paid for, get the keys to "her" car and exchange them during the night at her "friends" house. Leave the keys 2 the POS in the mailbox. Of course, if you're making payments on both cars and neither is a thrasher, this won't work. In that case, I'd give her a month 2 take over the payments, and then sell the car if she won't do it.

-ol' 2long

Everyone knows about the A, that i feel can do something abour it. My parents just think we are separated only b/c they would be incredibly negative towards her, which i think would make recovery very difficult. anyway, i haven't spoke to her at all today, and i only wish it would do good, if i could call her, and tell her how much i miss her, and want her to come home. this might be considered chasing or being needy.

2long, I like the switching the car idea. Yes, she's driving the new car and i have the "beater" I've told her to take over payments, & She says "you know i don't make enough money to take over payments" I say then take the truck, and i'll drive the new car. she feels i "owe her at least a vehicle to drive" I'm like owe you..... i didn't ask for this mess. you're welcome to havr the new car if you wanna come home. but i also can't leave her with nothing out of necesity for our child.

Does anyone feel it's ok to be distant and not call "my little alien" at all until she can speak to me without the attutude? No matter what i say or do it's seen as negative bahavior in her eyes. Even if i do or say something nice. I'm wondering if it's better to just stop calling unless we need to speak about our child. Example, this morning i told her i needed to drop our DD off early on saturday as i have scheduled jobs.(work) she says "i'm not spending enough time with her. (which is untrue) the real reason she is mad, is because she has plans to go out, and stay out with friends all night, and doesn't want to have to go home early. she thinks i schedule jobs early on purpose so she can't sleep at her "friends" house and will have to be home early to be with our DD. (i have scheduled more work, because it keeps me busy, and Ahhh well, i make more money!! She also asks me why i don't go out to the bars and clubs like i used to..... well..... I can't stay out until 2 or 3am anymore, and still get up and work on other peoples homes with any craftmanship if i am hungover or tired. so i choose to be responsible and go to bed at a decent time. she says that's the problem with me...work is more important than having fun. I say no.... i have a balance, i work to support our house and daughter and still have time do fun stuff. it's just not an everyday activity to go out anymore. seems like she has returned to the single high school girl life. maybe i should jst let her do her thing, and if she decided to come home, and i'm available then fine, and if not than shame on her. any thoughts?

FGG did something like that with the car si2ation. His now xW had a new car he was paying for. He replaced it with the one he was driving that was paid for and 2k it and sold it back 2 the dealer and bought himself something outright.

I know that in my case, when my W had her worst "atti2de" when she was out of town, I wouldn't answer the phone when she called. Nothing wrong with letting it go 2 voice mail and deciding later if you want 2 respond, particularly if you're at work.

Do you have some sort of court-ordered custody arrangement? If not, don't waste any more of your time here before you hire a lawyer. Protect yourself and your DD NOW.

-ol' 2long

2L, Not sure that I am ready for any court ordered activity yet. At this point, I can see my DD anytime i want, in fact, my wife has said she enjoys the free time, when i have our DD. Also she has not asked for any money from me for our child (which i would willingly give in a heartbeat, as long as i know it's supporting the childs needs. SO, the 349 Per Mo. i am paying for the car is much cheaper than any judge ordered CS. I wonder what the need is to keep me in limbo. she tells me to do what i got to do. if i need to move on, fine. but she will not agree to a divorce, or leagal separation. God, it's SO frustrating to think before my world flipped, we were looking for land to build a house, we talked about someday having a 2nd child, we bought a RV and planned on taking our DD camping alot this summer. WTF, NOW it seems like life is not moving forward, rather the opposite. Anyway, I look at it like my wife has been abducted by aliens, and when she ready to come home, she will, and if not that's ok too. i'll be a better person either way.