Hi all,

My WW's affair looks as if it is winding down. It was a LTA with her boss. She no longer works at his company, but I recently found out that they still see each other sometimes during lunch.

I finally told her that a decision needs to be made. It looks as if she has decided to stay with her family, but she is really struggling with it. Is this normal? Some of the things she says make me want to throw all of her stuff out and tell her to get out. I just sit there and think 'am I so pathetic that I have to deal with being treated like this'? i also think 'why do i want this person back'?

Is this normal, or was my wifes affair something special? can someone please tell me what I should expect over the next few months?

I would watch her carefully and continue plan A.. its not uncommon for relapse affairs, or for them to meet saying they need closure etc, a.k.a. closure contact.

Is she willing to write a NC letter?

dev

at this point, i don't rule anything out.

as far as her being willing to write a NC letter, I just dont think in her state of mind right now it is going to happen.

i have been following your thread. I feel for you. but, if you want to see some kind of silver lining in yur situation, just be ecstatic that you don't have children. I hope all turns out well for you.

TTG

Keep up the plan A...carrot AND stick.

Keep showing her that she made the right choice to stay home...BUT...keep the pressure on her to end contact with OM. If you see/know of resumed contact...confront her about it, and expose as needed.

This link may help:


HERE

another link that gives both sides:

HERE

owl,

i read another one of your post in a thread where you said your wife "re-wrote" you history together (ie, you never should have been married, she has been unhappy for years, we were never right for each other, etc) That is what I am going through at this point. does she ever say to you 'oh my god, i can't beleive i said those things'? how did you deal with it when she was spewwing this venom? did you ever get to a point where you said, "maybe she is right, maybe we werent meant for each other"?

TTG

TTG,

It has been 4 years now, and the affair continues. Don't you think it is time for you to invite her to leave your home and your child and go with him? I think so. I know this is very unMB, but frankly she has been fence sitting for many years now and KNOWS you will do nothing.

At the very minimum you need to be in plan B, with the stipulations for coming back, that she writes an NC letter, that she has stopped seeing him, and that she has entered and completed some serious counseling. LTA are hard to recover from, and your W's has never stopped. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hate to be such a downer, but I am calling it as I see it.
You have enabled this affiar by having her face no consequences. It is time for YOU to make a decision about your life and quit waiting for HER to make a decision about your life. She has already made her decision about her life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

Just keep an eye out for your WW and make know and enforce your boundary of NC. Watch her like a hawk (cell phone, GPS, email, spy software, whatever it takes) to ensure NC, and when it is broken be firm and let her know that she isn't getting away with it or can sneak it past you.

TTG-

To answer you questions...

Yes, when we talk about what happened, she found it very hard to believe that she said and did this stuff. She's forgotten a lot of the dumb stuff she said during that time frame too...I think it's her 'defense mechanism' so she doesn't have to think about how foolish she acted at the time.

Great example: She was all set to go live with OM 1000 miles away...although, they had NEVER met in person! (Her EA started through the internet, and went to phone, etc...but they never met in person because of the distance.) When I created enough stress in their affair that HE told her not to come, she was HEARTBROKEN. And she looked at me (I'll never forget this) and asked, "Why couldn't you just let me go and see him? We could see if what we had was real in person, and if its not, I'd come back home to you!" THAT was some classic fog-babble!!

She can't believe she said that to me...now. At the time tho, it made perfect logical sense to HER.

And yes, there WERE times when I wondered if it was worth it...I got fed up with being treated like dirt for fighting to save my marriage, and was downright outraged at the whole thing. But then I'd do the same thing I was telling HER to do...stop focusing on the negatives, remember the good times in our lives, and work to get those back.

Dealing with her venom...I refused to stand there and take it. I told her that we would sit down and talk calmly to each other...and when she wouldn't, I'd simply get up and leave the room. After a couple times of that, she started to get the hint. We had some of the most brutally honest conversations of our lives during that time...but it's what we needed.

As far as dealing with her 'rewritten history', I'd call her out on it. Our kids were all teens when this went on...so I'd call her out when she'd say something along those lines. I'd challenge her to give me EXAMPLES of when she was unhappy before, or examples of things that I'd done to hurt her. And I'd challenge her to go ask the kids, or her sister, or ANYONE else to help her find those things.

She couldn't. We'd had a lot of great years...up until that last year prior to the affair. And the majority of THAT grief was caused by her sudden online gaming addiction.

Last thought...it was all those good memories that I used to create that stress in the affair. She was all set to fly away and live with OM. I gave her a letter the day before she was supposed to go. In it, I reminded her of all the fun and wonderful things that we'd done. And I also pointed out all the fun and wonderful things that would never happen if she left to go live with him. Because I made it clear that there would be no 'friendship' between us if she left me for him. There would be NO relationship of any kind between us...ever. I wouldn't accept anything less than marriage between us, and if she made that choice, that would be part of the consequences.

Then the morning she was supposed to fly, I showed up at her motel room. Dressed nice, looking good. I asked her to spend that last day with me...no R talk, just spend the day together. Well, we never made it out of the room...we started talking about those 'consequences'...not fighting...talking about what she was going to give up. And OM called as we were talking...realized she was starting to waffle, got mad, told her not to come. And that was the beginning of the end of their EA.

Sorry for rambling on...but I hope this helps you.

BTW...we're coming up on the 3 year anniversary of d-day...and it's really no big deal at all for me at this point. We're in recovery...or recovered.