Triggers abound today. My WH has informed me that he is still living AT OW's home, and DS will be there with him this weekend ALONE -- OW will not be there.

Ouch. I AM SO NOT comfortable with this. The trigger is for me, but the concern is for my son. It hurts me, but it frightens me to think what further damage may be inflicted on my DS by WH.

I've read far too many statistics about divorce and the impact on children as they grow older, and looked at my own life (my mother married three times) and the harm that comes to a child's psyche during these times.

My WH assures me that they will be alone.

I feel like a momma bear. I just want to rip his arms out of their sockets and use them to beat WH silly.

Hi SL,

I am so sorry about what your WH is doing and his total inability to conceive how it could hurt your son. Unfortunately it goes without saying that he has no concern right now about your hurting.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom and inspiration for you. But if it helps even a little I will think of you a lot this weekend.

Stay strong. I think the world of all you women in Plan A&B right now fighting for their families. You all deserve so much better.

Oh, SL. I'm sorry to hear this. I really feel for you. At least OW is not going to be there.

I do understand how difficult it is to let your DS go and have WH try to make it DS' other "home". My DDs came home one day after spending the night with WH and talked about their rooms. Just broke my heart. They CAN'T have their own rooms anywhere other than HOME! And HOME is with me!

Yesterday was the first day DDs saw MOWs S7 at MOW/WH house. Although I knew it was coming, it still stung. Bringing all the children together in their disgusting life. And there is nothing MOWH and I can do about it. So frustrating to feel so powerless.

But...we have no control of the waywards' bad choices. We just need to continue to be the lighthouse for our children. We can't control their lives either but we can light the way. My DDs feel safe with me, that is what matters. Your DS feels safe with you and knows he can always return to Mom. When he calls there is no question she will be there for him.

I'm proud of you, SL.

SL, how are we coming with finding the child therapist???

If it was me, there would be absolutely no way that I would let my son go there. It would be over my dead body.

He will be in the presence of EVIL.

He will become even more confused because the OW will make sure that her presence is known there. She cares NOTHING about your son. She is trying to destroy you and will not let on to your H what she may be doing.

You have NO GUARANTEE that she will not show up.

You have NO GUARANTEE that he is NOT LYING..he is a WS..LYING is his middle name.

He may be testing you.

He is liable to tell your son that he is living there with another woman even though she may not be there.

HOW WILL YOU BE ABLE TO PROTECT HIM FROM ANY OR ALL OF THESE EVENTS???

If your H wants to visit with your son, he can choose another option than to willfully and openly take him into that environment. It disgusts me how uncaring and insensitive he is about this...

My sons were almost grown and it PAINED my YS (in his teens) to even know WHERE SHE LIVED....

Thanks Chris and Fox,

I feel like Fox said, that DS HAS a home. It sounds petty, but I loathe the thought of WH setting up house somewhere else. I'll get used to it. Last time he moved out, he lived with a friend of his, that my DS knew well, so I didn't have this concern. Lucky me, eh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I wonder how long the OW will tolerate WH sending her away from her OWN place so that he can spend time with DS. I guess I'll have to get used to the thought that, eventually, it will wear too thin with her, and DS will be introduced to her, then they can all play family with my unwitting son. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

It's amazing that I can be sad and PISSED at the same time. One minute tears are forcing their way out of my eyes against my will, the next I feel that thing up my spine and the anger ensues.

Did you see my post?

I'm so worried about your son.

This is the same thing I am dealing with right now too. the stupid part is that they are sooo out of it that they do not realize how harmful this is. All they think about is what they want...normalcy. I think it makes them fel like what they are doing is ok if they can act like a "family" in their new sitch's.

It is totally understandable how you feel...I felt the same way.

We will see how it plays out on my end...I am refusing to let them stay overnight at "their" place. WH is pushing for it, we will see who wins this battle.

Mimi, I definitely saw your post. I don't have a legal leg to stand on , but I'm going to tell my WH that he CANNOT take my son to that place. He is more than welcome to take him to someplace that DS is acquainted with, but this is too much for that liitle boy to handle right now.

My WH will balk at this, but I don't know what else to do. My friend has invited me to stay at her place so that WH and DS can stay in OUR home, but I don't know how much I like the thought of HELPING WH with this; at the same time DS MISSES his daddy so much, I would hate to take their time together AWAY.

SL...Oh, I don't know what to said but I wanted to let you know I'm here!

Their brains are mush!

My WH thinks that I'm trying to punish HIM.

I have set it up so that he and DS will spend this weekend at our home. After that, he needs to find his own place.

I told him that I don't like DS being exposed to this new environment. He thinks I'm nuts, what does it matter when he is going to be getting a NEW PLACE to live; he will be exposing him to that NEW environment. I guess he has a point there.

WH said that he will NOT be with OW this weekend and would NOT expose DS to her right now. I told him that I do NOT believe him, I don't trust him.

I have stressed all along that this in NOT about WH, but he doesn't believe me. Whatev's. I'm so frustrated with how he tries to turn this all back on me, the CRAZY wife. Oy, I'm so angry with him. He tried to tell me to email him later, as he is working, and doens't have time for this [censored]. I told him that his son is more important than any person on hold or anything that he has to do right now and I will NOT hold off.

These are the moments that I want to kick him in the [email]b@lls.[/email]

sdguy and I will hold him for you.

SL.........thinking of you today......I am going to barf for you.....you know I am heading the same way....I hate feeling so powerless over things........
WS's are so darn selfish....forget about what the children have to go through so they can feel "ok" about thenselves. it disgusts me!!!!!!!!!!

you are the one who will see your son through this, you know this, he will always see and feel your strength.....you are his lighthouse...

I know for sure that you are looking out for the BEST INTERESTS OF YOUR SON, SL...

IMO, your H's priority right now is not your son. He, on the other hand is NOT looking out for his best interests.

I shouldn't tell you to break the law but if it was me, I wouldn't care about the LEGALITY of it. He would have to take me to court and a judge would have to make me send my son there.

As to staying at your house, I don't know.

Is your H REALLY with HIM during the VISITS? Is this about sneaking time in with the OW on the weekend? Will he moping around THERE if he has to visit with him at your house? I certainly would choose your house over the OW's house. That's your call. I think you know what's best.

I just couldn't stomach the idea of him going there given his reaction the last time he visited his D. This option would have been even WORSE than last time.

Mimi, I have told him to bring DS to the house to spend time this weekend. After that, he will not be doing any overnights until DH get's it together. We're NOT DIVORCED, and I believe it is an AWFUL idea to be exposing our DS to any of WH's selfish behavior.

I am looking into the 12 session program of the Rainbows organization first. I want to see how that goes; they deal directly with separation, and divorce with small children. WH will be taking him to these sessions. I have found a great place for IC, too. So, soon enough, DS will be getting the proper help he needs.

Now, I spoke to one of my friends who reminded me of something very important. Right now, and probably forever, I WEAR THE PANTS. On that note, I'm putting my foot firmly down FOR MY SON. These children SEE ALL, and absorb it and then begin to think that they come SECOND to the OP that W's get involved with. I KNOW; I was one of those children. It does nothing to boost your self esteem, and I just can't bear my DS feeling this way.

GREAT, SL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Can I help kick? Fox---always supportive of my friends and will help in anyway I can! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Just for clarification, Silent, do you guys have a separation agreement or any kind of custody order? If I remember correctly, there has not yet been ANY kind of court or legal intervention--there is no court order of any kind.

Thus, it is my understanding that you would not be breaking any kind of laws to say that you will not allow you DS to be in the OW's house while you are still married to WH. Furthermore, you have gone to great lengths to offer WH the use of your MARITAL home if he wants to spend time with DS -AND- there are daily options that your WH could take to spend time with DS that do not involve OW (such as picking DS up from daycare--taking him to McD's--taking him to a park or playland, etc.). My point in all this is that if WH was truly concerned for the child's best interest, he would be thinking of DAILY ways to spend every possible moment with him--not "demanding" that the child spend time in the home of the adulteress while still married to the child's mother.

Silent, on the one hand, you can not control your WH and what he chooses to do or where he chooses to spend his time. In addition, you need to facilitate the relationship between WH and DS as much as you can. But OTOH, you are still married to WH--and no court has ordered you to do anything!! It is my humble opinion that if I were in your shoes, I would respond in this manner:

"WH, you may see DS at any time you choose--our door and our home are always open to you. However, at this time, you and I are still married and there has been no court directive requiring me to allow DS into an adulterous environment. Thus I choose to protect him from the harsh truth of adultery. If you truly have DS's best interests at heart, I would request that you consider spending every moment you can with him at your son's HOME."

(BAD CJ! BAD!) I know--a little cranky, but I believe it gets the point across to the WS -and- would not go against you in a court of law.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

I like CJ's thought. You might also mention to him that less than 1% of affairs last, and so son will probably be introduced to lots of new environments every 6 months, and you would prefer he not be introduced to the revolving door romances.

Believer, my gf already mentioned that little nugget. My WH's uncle was just like this, with the additional insult of adding babies with every new woman he shacked up with.

I'm pretty angry with WH right now. Thanks guys, for helping me get my IRE up!!!

SL,

I would say do what you know to be right.

It is not right to have DS go see his Dad at the OW's place.

As a father I wouldn't want my kids exposed to another man before we were D'd.

It is not the right message to be sending.

I agree just cancle the overnight visitation. No court would fault you for that.