Yeah, this is a really tough one for me. How do you explain this to a 3-year old? I don't think you can. Sure, I could use it as an opportunity to hurt WW, but I don't want to hurt my kids (and I don't really want to hurt WW--I want her to get better), so I think what I will do when DD3 mentions OM is change the subject and swallow the things I would rather say.

Part of the reason I have not explained this part to DS has been his age. We WILL cross that bridge when DS is ready. He will let me know, I'm pretty sure. I will not be painting a picture of a sadistic terrible home wrecker, but I will let DS know that OW is bad, has made terrible choices and been very selfish, not considering the damage she was contributing to the downfall of a family.

I think it would be good for DS to know that his fathers' and the OW's choices are bad, unhealthy. Hopefully, this will help DS to distinguish between right and wrong as he grows older. Also, I hope to foster a sense of empathy in him; to look at the WHOLE of a situation prior to making MAJOR life decisions.

sl,



That is the million dollar question...I think over the past couple of months, I have come to the conclusion that I don't really want him back. I have realy been looking over our M and evaluating the highs and lows, etc. It was not ever that great. I loved him, but I do not know that I still love him, but the "ideal" of who he could be...That is just not realistic to who he has shown me he is for the last 14 years...

I am saddened when I think about coming to this decision, but I think you should be sad to come to that conclusion. I would question it more if Iwas enthusiastic about it...then I would know it is straight out of emotion.

Well, I guess I should get all this out on my own thread...sorry for the threadjack!

IHC

SL,

At his age he cannot comprend much when it comes to a D. If it happens.

I used to tell the FWW if we got a D eventually I would tell the kids about her A. When the time came.

You know every kid wants to know why mommy and daddy got a D. My answer would be because after mommy had an A, mommy and daddy couldn't agree on what daddy needed to recover.
So we got a D.

Short and simple. I think the problem is when do you say that?

I am so sorry he has to be a part of it.

We jsut started OS in IC because he seems off track. My honest opinion is it is the result of the A and the aftermath of the A.

It is like the gift that keeps on giving. LOL.

Good luck. The one thing I have faith in is your ability to deal with it when you need to.

I plan on letting DS come to me with questions and answering them as best I can, with little emotion. By the time he asks me about it, I hope enough time has passed that I am able to be direct and honest, and not fumble for words. I will have thought a lot about what I will say, I'm sure.

On another front, my WH keeps sending the same info about counseling for my son, over and over again. He emailed information about the counseling group last week (to which i did not reply), then he sent email stating he was setting up an appointment (again, no reply) then today, another email about him waiting to hear about his appointment ( no reply needed). I guess he's just trying to keep me informed. I really want to get help as quickly as possible, and I have found someone for DS, but it may be more cost effective for DS to go through WH's group.

Well maybe the WH is trying his best to address the problems he is creating.

I don't even know what to say about him taking DS to a couselor.

I know it is affecting him but only he knows how.

I wish you the best with this.

My FWW seem to be surviving this but it is still effecting the OS.

So I can't imagine what it is doing to your son.

I have an idea of what this is doing to my DS, and it pains me greatly! Like you said, Frog, some damage keeps coming, even when the M is recovered. It will take WH working with DS to help eradicate DS's issues.

I cannot take the damage away, I can only help my DS cope. His problems may worsen, he may turn inward, so I'm hoping to keep him talking. How do you tell a child, who's world is more black/white than gray, that his father's/mother's leaving is not about them? Kids don't rationalize, especially at my DS's young age. Even *IF* DS does not believe that HE is a part of why WH left, he will suffer from loss; a loss that he had no control over. His daddy still lives, and yet he is gone.

I was just an early toddler when my mother left my father, but my brother was 8 or 9 and my sister was 3 or 4. My sister has always talked about longing for her daddy. Her child's mind could not wrap around what abuse was, not then. She only felt the loss. She has also had many problems with R's. She's just now learning about boundaries from an Alanon type class. Unfortunately for my brother, he was fully aware of the abuse, and is also heavily damaged. In my mother's case, divorcing sooner would have been the better decision, but she had no support from family (her mother told her to stay), no money, no job, etc. She stayed until she could no longer take it.

My point is, when I hear my sister talk about 'losing' her daddy and the impact of not seeing him, she's that little girl again. She knows of what he was like, the physical and mental abuse, but that doesn't change her longing.

I agree that it will take the wH working with him.

My dad wasn't the greatest but I know what you mean about losing daddy after a D.

I think in most cases the loss is worse then them staying in a kids mind. A child in most cases doesn't know the difference between a good daddy/mommy and a bad mommy.

It is amazing though how easily they are damaged. Your DS has gone through a lot.

I can say at least being in IC will help identify the problem now instead of letting them grow.

Yes it seems as though the A is a gift that keeps giving to the people that don't want to be given any more.

After all of the talk, and all is said and done, my strongest hope is that I am relieved of the pain, so that I can love again. I want to cry tears of joy. I want to be comforted and to comfort. I want to feel like something other than mommy and coworker.

Who knew that life was pain? It seems like just yesterday that I was a child myself, so unaware of the 'adult' world. Living in a grown up world, feeling like a child with unrequited love.

I'm wondering when the day is that I'm going to give up. I remind myself that I'm not ONLY doing this for me, but for my son. I must hold on until I KNOW what I have to do. I'm not there, obviously.

I think I need a vacation...

And you will know. I had that moment. And what I HAD TO DO was not what I wanted... at all. I'm sure in God's eye I was the little two year old kicking and screaming the whole way.

I hear you. I know exactly what you mean. But you are strong. You know that this will happen for you. You know that you are good, smart, responsible, empathetic, loyal, desirable. You know that when this does happen for you, you will have earned it.

Your future is so much brighter than WH's. There is so much light at the end of the Limbo Tunnel (that you have chosen, because you are strong). You will get there.

I remind myself that what little hope I have is STILL hope. Sometimes, it feels like the candle in the wind, some days I feel like I've got a roarin' fire going. Today, the hope feels like an ember. Tomorrow it will grow into a small fire again.

I would like to go a day without rain. I feel like Forrest Gump, when he described his daily rountine, but then said, "at night, I think about Jenny". At night I think about poopsie wafflechunks.

Tomorrow, I will be going to the store to pick up fresh ingredients to make pesto for my GF who just had her baby. I know that they will be grateful to have something yummy to eat, and I do enjoy cooking for others. It's something I stopped doing during my M; cooking became a chore, because I was chasing and answering to a 2-3 year old whilst trying to accomplish something. I was so resentful then.

sdguy, thank you for the reminder that life goes on, even after all of this mess. Sometimes, I feel like a petulent child wanting that life to start NOW.

Yes... and without hope... there is nothing. You are amazing. I actually envy your calm. When I was going "through it" I was a basket case. Had I been like you I would have cut short the time of torment.

Keep that ember alive.. even if you have to blow on it when you feel you have no breath left. If nothing else you will know that you did NOT give up hope.

{{{SL}}}

SL - I raised my two boys alone, and have always been very honest with them, in an age appropriate way. I have never bad-mouthed their dad to them. However, I think your son at seven is old enough to know that there is another woman. When I think back to when I was seven, I remember being very wise. I knew when something was going on, even if my parents didn't tell me. Sometimes kids will know, but are afraid to talk about it.

SL

Homemade Pesto?? Send some my way!

I,too, luv to cook. I even got WS into it to where HE buys cookbooks and loves to show off his skills

I understand the ebb and flow of the hope.

I watched Forest Gump the other night and that SAME scene gave me the SAME thought!

Then, by lovely brother in law's comment came to mind. When he found out about WS being a WS , he told my sister to tell me "RUN, Forest, RUN!"

Although I can't do that, it still warms my heart and makes me laugh! Nice to know BIL cares that much

Keep those home fires burning! We can warm each other while keeping th 'hope' alive for the return of our H.

Silent,

Where would we all be without hope?

Tonight I told my mom that I would always have some hope that this will work out. Probably even for awhile after the D.

I can't imagine life without hope. Even the days I feel hopeless (like earlier today) that ember you talk about is always there.

Just wanted to say stay strong. I'll be leaving for my trip in the morning. Hug that little boy.

Still

Have a great trip, Still. I gave my boy lots of kisses and hugs, as usual. He has taken to giving me mucho kisses before bed and before I drop him off at day care. I get a kissy on the lips, one on each cheek, my nose, my chin and then my forehead. Then we do, "gimme five, up high, down low, TOO SLOW!"

He poured a cup of water over his head during his bath and looked up at me. He has a tinge of sun on his face from the short burst of warm weather we had, his pupils were very large and dark and the green of his eyes was glowing. I just thought, what a beautiful boy.



Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Darling,
Darling,
Darling Sean.

John Lennon, Beautiful Boy

Silent I love that song...

Just watched Richard Dryfess sing and sign it to his deaf son in the movie..

Mr Somebody's Opus (can't remember the real title)

I cried.

I love my DD's, but my DS is the one who is the most affectionate with me. Even at 14,

Still

Mr. Holland's Opus.

Yesss that's it.

Thanks my middle aged mind.

Still