I have decided that I will call WH by his new name, Poopsie Wafflechunks! (PWC)

Question about Plan B

How do you stay dark when you are confronted with dealings with children? For instance, say your child is involved in a sport and your WS shows up to every event, and attempts to get your attention. How is it possible to remain dark when they can SEE you right in front of them?

My worry is that there will be a counseling session for my son that both parents are asked to attend. Do I decline?

I guess I am wondering where the BS's are who have school-aged or younger children and have made it through Plan B (M survived or divorced)? Who had a great Plan B, and also had to deal with communication about children and SEEING each other?

Hi SL,

This is worth a bump up for more input. I wish I could help and offer some proven thoughts, but without any minor children Plan B for me simply feels like a finalized divorce and single life. I have not seen or had any communication with Wayzilla for over a month.

Hey Chris,

I was hoping for more input on this, too. We'll see.

I have had a pretty rough weekend; a lot of thinking going on. I was triggered last week when WH called my DS for his evening call. My son asked his daddy why was there so much noise, and so many people talking in the background (which meant WH was 'out' at a bar). My sister was there and was aghast at the fact that WH was out at a bar. I wasn't surprised, but her emotions and mine combined with my DS saying he missed his daddy, well, it hurts so much sometimes. I feel so much for my son. That's probably what keeps me in this place, trying to save my M.

I have been questioning how good it is for me to carry on hope, that seems to destroy me. One moment I think that I should just get a divorce over with, the next, I'm trying to hold on, trying to save it against all odds. I struggle within myself every day. I carry pain with me everywhere I go, pain for my son, mostly.

My self-esteem is okay, but my kid isn't! He was a bit weepy, telling me that he just missed his daddy so. It breaks my heart a little bit every time I hear it. I can't get away from the WH, because I hear the pain in his son's heart daily. I wish I were exaggerating. Still working toward finding him the right help. I will be deciding by the end of the week what to do.

I remember Ark coming up with the idea of crowding friends, family around you at sports events.

Regarding the counseling, tell the counselor that you CHOOSE to meet individually, not with your husband.

LMAO...Wayzilla...GOOD ONE Chris! That needs to be added to Eph list of infidelity terms! LMAO

On the IC session...I would decline and ask the IC to do them separate, then fill you in on DS...just my 2 cents...not sure on the rest! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm so sorry that you ARE still dealing with so much pain...I know even when I expect STBX to do something it doesn't make it any easier when he does it...

Man SL,

I am so sorry to hear about your son. This crap is so wrong. But I know he is very fortunate to have you fighting for him. You sound like one of the strongest people here so I know you both will be fine.

I don't carry any hope for my marriage anymore but I do get sad still. Usually during the night from 1:00 AM to 5:00 AM. I have taken to sleeping just about anywhere but the bed.

Yesterday was pretty a pretty good day. My dad, brother and sister came over for Easter Dinner. I cooked up a storm. I made a smoked ham, a pork tenderloin, some roasted Yukon gold pot's , some asparagus, some green beans with sauteed onions and port. shrooms, homemade macaroni and cheese, and for dessert, I made a strawberry, apple crisp. The food was delicious.

Another good thing, my dad played with my son into the evening. They really did have fun. So the majority of the day was good. It felt like HOME again. I always enjoyed having everyone over. Since my mother died, the family has been more fragmented, but it feels good when we all gel.

However, when everyone is gone and DS talks about his daddy, nothing fills that emptiness for him. I'm beginning to get used to the idea of WH not being around. I'm having a hard time giving up on H, and I don't intend to, but I'm not dealing with him, and the pull of that life that he is in now can be so strong. I don't know if he has the strength to leave it behind. I DEFINITELY DO NOT have the strength to deal with WAYWARD CRAP anymore either.

It's almost like dealing with someone who has an identity crisis. I KNOW that my H wants to come home. I KNOW that he loves his family. I KNOW that H is buried much more deeply beneath the surface now. I am ANGRY and SAD. I DON'T know how this is all going to end. I don't think about that as much. The only thing I do think about is my son, and the what if's of his young life. It's the next phase in this whole nutty sitch.

I am much more stable now, and I have learned to deal with much of my own pain and life. Now that I have it more together, the focus has COMPLETELY shifted to my DS. I regret that it wasn't always there in the past, but I was a mess. I took care of him, and hugged him and kissed him, and loved him. He was having problems controlling rage the last time his dad left, but he couldn't TALK about his pain then. I was all over the place with my own rage and sorrow.

I guess I am grateful that I can focus on him now. I am feeling a bit of regret for not staying in Plan B and not letting that Wayward sum-beech back in. I aided in damaging my son further, and am disappointed in myself. I have to be better, do better. I can't be a party to hurting my DS.

Chris, I was talking to my dad about what it feels like, living with all of the pain that one suffers post betrayal, especially when the WS chooses to leave for OP.

I told my dad that it was similar to the death of a loved one, except with the knowledge that they still exist, but you STILL can't be with them. You suffer the loss over and over again. There is no permanence to the situation, no definitives. It's as if that person dies a thousand deaths and you mourn them over and over.

I may not be describing it well here, as I'm no Shakespeare, but it's how the last two years have felt. I never knew how horrific this was for others. When my mother cheated on my step-dad and left, I had no idea what kind of suffering he was going through. He was a cold fish, so I didn't really think he had feelings. I'm sure that I was wrong. He lashed out at my sister, though, and blamed her for my mother leaving, stating that she was a problem child and got between them because they fought over my sis. It was a horrible scene.

This is all just kind of flowing through the transom of my mind lately. I think I'm learning and that can be painful too. I realize that Plan B has it's grips in me again, too. My own withdrawal was set back by recent events.

There is a lot going on in the beady little head of mine right now. Can ya tell?

I can't even remember EXACTLY how many FALSE RECOVERIES we had.

I would GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE..after each fall...

YOU CAN DO IT, TOO...

Thanks Mimi, that IS my choice. I'm just caught up in the reigns right now. I'm still silent, dark. Just emoting right now. I'm hanging in there. It will get easier. I was so happy to be around my family yesterday. I miss MY family. Can you tell that FAMILY is high on my EN's list?

Yep SL,

It would be nice to come to a place of acceptance with all the feelings. Whenever I feel like I have made great progress I seem to turn a corner and need to work through more issues I had not felt yet. For me it is not about hope for the marriage, it is about accepting and being at peace with the final situation and moving on. I do look forward to the day when my personal anger, sadness, feelings of betrayal and evil hope for an unhappy future for Wayzilla are gone. It’s all just unhealthy baggage.

But still the pain their selfish entitlement and lies about the BS and marital history causes the kids disgust me beyond words. The kids just seem to become little decorations and pawns to have around to try to show the world what fabulous parents they are. This I think will be much harder to get over particularly for those of you with young children.

I am glad you had such a good day with your family. You deserved that.

I guess if I brightside things, I could say that Poopsie Wafflechunks has taken a front seat to participating in getting our DS help and to NOT exposing him to further pain by trying to bring him into his sordid lifestyle. Heck of a brightside, but I gotta hold on to what I can right now.

Like I said, I will protect my son with all that I have. I will shine the brightest light and shout the truth as loud as humanly possible. IT WILL hit it's mark and be as effective as possible in the wayward mind. I won't stop, either. DS will always be my child, so I will always stand guard. Life will hurl enough insult at DS, I don't need anybody egregiously adding to it.

SL:
Missing YOUR family...yep, I can relate. The trip was TOUGH the first 24 hours or so...really missing having H be a part of it, really wishing that he could be with us. Feeling like this was such a loss for the boys; that they don't have their dad with them when they experience these things for the first time. Even playing in the pool, etc. No dad. Everyone else had a dad; not my boys. Swallowing the hard, unpalatable lump that THIS is the new reality for us as a family.

But about day 2, it got better...I remembered the last big road trip we took (mid-A) and how really cold and distant WH was. That wasn't good for the boys, either...still better than no dad at all, but certainly not what they deserve.

I also missed WH at Easter dinner yesterday. My mom has little eggs with everyone's names on them that she sets out at our places each Easter...I know that WH's egg was around somewhere and she very wisely didn't have it in sight.

Today...and I speak ONLY for today!...I feel like I am a great catch, a great mom, a real winner. That WH is the loser. And guess what?? We enjoyed our trip, and we enjoyed Easter dinner!

This is how I see you, silent. A winner. A great mom.

Chris: AMEN. Your words communicate my feelings exactly. And your statement about the kids...especially young kids...it's really horrifying. They love their parents--and both parents have an obligation to respect that--but both the kids and the BS KNOW that the WS is WRONG, but the WS doesn't think so....

So confusing!! If they were old enough to have developed a more clear individual identity, or somehow were able to place the WS actions in context and make real, reasoned judgements about it...but when they are young?? Not to get too Freudian, but don't young kids identify with the same sex parent??? And the same sex parent is behaving in an immoral and hurtful way, and says it's okay to do so...??

It must just be baffling.

I see that you are only feeling a bit of regret, but that seems like a bit too much. You did exactly what you had to do. How else could you have handled it? Please don't beat yourself up over that. I'm still in awe over your response.

I wish I knew what to tell you about the kiddo. I struggle with this one every day, but it's a bit different for me with 50% custody. I don't get "I miss mommy," I get "I wish mommy lived here." And the kids know that that's what I want, too. The kids are what keep me going. I would have been so long gone if not for them. And I would have been long gone if I didn't think WW was a typical wayward who's going to wake up at some point. It would have been so much easier to just walk away.

We're doing the hero thing, SL. We're choosing the difficult path because we know it's what's best for our children--it gives us the best chance of recovering our families. Maybe if you can stop thinking about how it sucks what PWC is doing to DS (he's a wayward--of course he's going to do stupid, thoughtless things) and focus on what you can do to make it better? (sounds easy--if you figure out how to do it, let me know).

Check out Mortarman's thread. He posted to me on my thread a while back about Plan B and kids' functions. This hasn't been too bad for me, at least in terms of staying dark. I'm able to look right through WW most of the time, but she hasn't been making much of an effort to get in my face, either. Her presence is still a triggering distraction from the game, but even that seems to be lessening.

Sis and Sdguy, you both have such great ways of describing what we all suffer. You are able to put to words, better than myself, how this all feels.

Sis, I went on a trip last year in early August (about 1 month after WH left. I had just received paperwork for my LSA. I travelled down to Tennessee with my dad and son. I looked forward to the trip, and it was good to get away. My sis lived near Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg at the time ( I live in MD, so the trip is about 9hours--when my foot isn't feeling a bit 'leaden'), so we saw a lot of 'stuff'. My favorite time was visiting the Ripley's Aquarium. That place was just beautiful! I, too, always enjoyed road trips with my H. I was happy to have done it (taken the trip) by myself, and my son STILL talks about it.

I was looking for MM's thread early Saturday, but got a bit busy. Went out to do some shopping and gather food for Easter DinDin. The weather hasn't been great here, so DS and I have been hanging out inside. I can't wait until it's warm and we can go to local parks and such. DS has a swingset in the backyard, and it's great for afternoons post daycare, but the weekends will be filled with more adventure when it gets warmer. Distractions for me too, including working in my gardens and working on the house.

I had every intention of getting some tile work done this weekend, but I forgot about preparing Easter dinner, so that got bumped.

Sdguy, if I figure out what I can to do make it better, I will let you know. OUR childrens' foundations are busted or have been pulled out from beneath them, like some magic trick, only no one is in awe or laughing.



This is EXACTLY my intention with Plan B; otherwise, I would file TODAY. My DS, too, says that he misses his daddy AND that he wants him to live with us. He also asks WHY doesn't daddy live with us. I don't think I have the cure for DS's ailment. I never will. The only thing I can do is help him as he grows older to get to a point where he doens't hinge his self worth on his daddy's actions of leaving.

I said this recently, I am beginning to truly see my H as wayward, in the scripted sense. I had myself convinced that he was different. I don't know why, but I did. Probably just fear. Now, I see him as hurting and lost, and maybe stuck in a situation that he has no idea how to get out of. Painted into the perverbial corner. Well, I would just make tracks, if I were him (but I'm not)!

The other night I was talking with DS7 after DD3 had gone to sleep. DS7 has been antagonizing DD3 (some of which is a normal thing to do to one's little sister, I think, but this seems out of character, and he does it when he's angry), so I was following up, because I had gotten exasperated and angry. I told him that maybe he was angry with me for something, and that that would be okay, and that I wished that he could talk with me about it.

That conversation (and how DD3 never gets in trouble) morphed in maybe two sentences into him talking about how WW sits so far away at his baseball games.

DS: Why does she sit so far away? She can't even see from over there.

Pause.

SDG does not say: Because she's ashamed to come over and sit with the happy families because she knows that she is destroying hers through her own selfishness.
SDG: Well, Mommy is doing a lot of things right now that I don't understand.
DS: SAME HERE.
SDG: And I wish she would stop doing them.
DS: SAME HERE.

Pause

SDG: You know, just because Mommy is doing the wrong thing doesn't make her a bad person. She's still a good person, and she loves you and DD3 very much, and she will always be there, etc.

The kids know. And if they don't now, they will later. You're doing the right thing. The hero thing. Be proud of yourself. I am.

I was typing so fast that I forgot to put YOUR paragraph in quotes. I'll be right back...

My DS says that he wishes his daddy were home, and I say, "Me, too son." My DS will ask about his daddy and he will say, "Mommy, I love you sooooo much" and "Mommy, I love daddy soooo much, and I miss him soooo much". The response I have for him, "DS, I love your daddy too, and I miss him too" When I am asked why daddy isn't living with us, "Hmmm, well DS, daddy has his own problems to work out, that have nothing to do with you OR me."

I tend to mirror my DS thoughts. I truly do wish that we could all be together, and happy. Right now, that is too much for WH to do. I haven't told my DS anything about any OW. If WH introduces DS to Aimless, then I'll explain THAT part of the sitch, until then, I will just deal with daddy and his choices or rather BAD CHOICES.

I have been gone too long...so much happens in a few days. It seems like you are kind of going through the same feelings I am right now...only I am leaning very heavily toward D.

I feel like a failure even saying that here...you are sooo strong. An amazing mother and cook (hello Easter at SL's). It is cool how throughout this, we are able to just make rational decisions and calmly think through them, while the WS is spinning and feels lost (or so we assume...). I am struggling too and just wanted to let you know how GREAT I think you are.

IHC

Oh, IHC, I have leaned to and fro with the big ole D. I recently decided to DO NOTHING about that. I am in no hurry to move that along, and Plan B affords me some time to really let things sink in.

Right now, I am struggling with the thought of if I even WANT WH back. I would have to accept that he AGAIN chose OW over his family. Again, it's scripted behavior, so I'm leaving that alone. I'm banking on Plan B and more growth and knowledge on my part, to get me through to WHEREVER I end up.

How i feel now? Well, I think that WH would need to get some serious help and make progress on that front. He would have to show TRUE REMORSE, not just lip service. On his OWN, without prompting, he would have to leave OW, send NC letter, COMPLETELY give himself over to the M. The selfish SOB that I have come to know would have to disappear. It's a lot to ask of someone who has been so selfish for so long. I think loving yourself is one thing, but pushing all others aside so you can feel a moment of happiness is not who I want in my life anymore.

So, you can see why I have waffled. My H was a good man, he gave me the affection I needed, the family time I craved, and he took care of his son (even though it was only for a short while). If he showed up, I'd give him a chance.