((((((((sl)))))))))
it makes me so sad to see you here. it scares me too, because I can very easily see my WS doing the same half-arsed recovery attempt as yours did, and then withdrawing again to the pretend world they are living in. I too have very little hope that WS will actually have the strength, courage and desire to walk over fire and do what will be neccessary to make a go at it. if I am honest with myself, that will probably never happen.



unfortunately, I am afraid that just showing up may not be enough anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I think someday I may be able to forgive all the hurt and pain, and be able to have a coparent R with WS, and I will always have love for her. but I don't really believe that I will ever feel safe in any real way with the person who she is. and to that end, she will never again have the pleasure of being close enough to me to really know me anymore. that is the gift she has chosen to discard. and even though they cannot see it now. WS's will never forgive themselves or their OW's for the destruction of their families. even if they never utter a word about regrets, they will forever know that it was their selfish, wanton behavior that has damaged their children forever.

I'm just trying my hardest to continue on with my life. I have informed WH that we need to look into cleaning up the yard, getting rid of overgrowth and such, to prepare for a time that we may have to sell. If we do sell, I want to benefit as much as possible.

I am still looking to talk to my lawyer about keeping the house, and giving my H remainder interest if I ever sell. I don't want to move if I don't have to, and that home is my son's. I try not to think to the future, as it currently makes me sad. My WH has settled back into my Plan B routine and is seemingly calm.

My neighbor moved out last month and is working on his house to put it on the market. I spoke to him yesterday for the first time in months; I told him about cleaning up the back yard, and he said, "You should make poopsie waffelchunks do that!" He did not know that my WH left. I didn't tell them. He had wondered if poopsie was travelling. He then gave me his cell phone number, his wifes and his home number. They only moved a few blocks up the street, so he said that I can call for ANYTHING, even if I just want a break. People can be so surprisingly wonderful. I'm lucky to know them.

I've been feeling down this week, but I think it has a lot to do with PMS, as well as Plan B sinking back in. I'm happy to have my whole bed (I really love my bed), but I'm dealing with reality, the pain in my son's heart, it all seems so hard right now. I didn't expect this. I guess I must still love the lug.

I have decided that I am going to beg borrow and steal and I am taking a beach vacation this year. My son will LOVE it, and my dogs will too! I've asked my dad to go and a good friend of mine, as well as my sister and brother. I'm going to shell out the cash for the house, and others will contribute to food. I need to get away, smell the ocean air, watch the waves break. I need that lift. I NEED a vacation!

sl,

A vacation does sound so very good right now. I can echo the need for one. It feels like if you could just get away from all of this for a few moments, you could have the strength and vitality needed to keep moving forward.

It would be like a wonderful breath of fresh air!

IHC

Silent,

May I make an observation? When my exH and I were divorcing, I too thought that I did NOT want to move, because I had worked long and hard to earn the 4000sq.ft. house with a pool--and my kids had paid dearly for it! By the same token, I knew that really I couldn't afford it on my own, and I would be forever "beholden" to him to pay his CS on time or else I'd get into financial trouble.

I HATED the thought of moving, but eventually concluded that I needed to sell the house and find my own place.

I turned this into a POSITIVE for me and my kids. We had had no notice and no say in the choice of our big house with the pool. ExH had literally bought it, and then INFORMED us we were moving...we had no idea! With the new place, I decided that we were in this together and we would all have a say in what we wanted and where we would go. The kids all wanted a place that took pets because we had already lost enough and could not stand the idea of losing our pets too. I agreed. The kids wanted to stay in their schools so they wouldn't lose their friends. I agreed. The kids each wanted their own room but they were cool with having a basement bedroom that was finished. I agreed to try. The kids hoped for a pool (they're both part human/part fish) so I agree to try. I wanted a place that had some neighbors and that had room for a garden. They agreed.

So, we began the house hunt TOGETHER, and we liked or disliked houses together. We decided that ALL THREE of us had to vote 'yes' on a place before we would accept it. And, after about a month of searching we found it: a townhouse with pets ALL OVER, a swimming pool and clubhouse, near a YMCA, in the kids' school area, and with a full bedroom upstairs for my daughter and a full bedroom in the basement for my son. Since each townhouse was owned, we had our own patio and small gardening areas in the backyard and the frontyard--plus I did a few flowerpots! So we found OUR place that was like claiming "We are still alive" after the divorce.

Silent, I tell you this not because I think you ought to move or not. That is your decision. Personally, I HATE moving, and would much rather put down roots and stay in one place. However, moving does not have to be a tragedy. We found OUR place and put up RED curtains and posters and had a blast decorating it our way (exH hated color--everything was beige or eggshell--yuck)! It could be that way for you and your little guy too. Moving is a little like moving on--at first you're afraid to do it, but when you do it, it feels a little freeing and exciting.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

I don't really hate the idea of moving; I have been looking at houses over the last two years, fantasizing about a new life. I was moved around quite a bit as a child, and am pretty root-bound right now, and I like it. Also, the area that I live in is quite expensive, but my house is older, and it's the home my WH grew up in, so he received the home as part of the settlement of his parents' will. We have since done some improvements on the home; that's why we have a mortgage.

The appliances, the boiler, the air handler/conditioner, the bathroom, all are new. The schools in this area are superb in the state of Maryland, and I like it here. If I move, I won't be able to afford a single family unit LIKE this one, and what I can afford will have me struggling. Part of the reason my WH wants to place is that he grew up here, but the home also has many amenities. WE have a nice, big yard for the dogs; our greyhound loves to run through it daily. It's a lot to give up. If I have to, I will, and I will find a great place to live, but IF I can avoid selling for a while, I'd like that.

It's not fear that would keep me from moving; we'd all adapt.

I've been feeling so very down this week, and I can't see any reason why this week is so different than last week. Maybe looking for vacation homes is a bringing it out, but I AM excited about going. Acceptance of the possiblity of D and never seeing H again is probably setting in. The thought of it causes me to tear up. It's really quite pathetic.

I'm having dinner with my GF and her husband. The GF worked with me up until she went into labor last week, and she gave her notice; she will not be returning. It will be a nice break. I prepared Pesto for them, and I will be taking all of the acoutrement over and preparing it in their kitchen. It'll be nice to give them this gift. It's really tough getting used to that first baby, and having a home-cooked meal is awesome, so that's the gift I chose for them. I also hope to foster a closer relationship with them, as they have been so gracious to me. (This is the GF that I stayed with two weeks ago when I had WH stay at our home with our DS for his visitation).

I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotion, really; that's all there is to it. This will pass. I WANT to stop thinking of my H, I want to let go, but am having a hard time this week. As my drill seargent would say, "you gotta suck it up,C, and carry on!"

I know some people will roll their eyes, but I become HIGHLY emotional when I'm nearing the end of my cycle. It's a bear when I'm already dealing with some emotional stress. I hope to chant my way through this next few days.

Hi SL,

Sorry to hear your down a little this week. That seems to be going around a little. I understand the acceptance issue. I am feeling that too. I seem to have gone from a position of aimlessly wondering how long it will take to get to acceptance to wanting and willing it to happen.

The vacation will be great. I have a bunch of time and have not planned a thing although DD19 and I are talking about a late summer trip to Minnesota to bring my Mom's ashes home.

Stay strong Wonder Woman. There is a brighter tomorrow (or maybe the next day anyway).

I'm critical of myself, and sometimes feel quite pathetic when I WANT my M to work out. I can see how other people feel, but I can't seem to sync up with their rage. I'm angry and disappointed. I'm ashamed of my H. ASHAMED! I keep thinking, 'What a disappointment HE turned out to be'.

Question is, why do I give a HOOT?! Why?

I'm fakin it right now, so I can make it through another day. I just need to nail this vacation thing down. Then, I have to register my son for school. DS's birthday is coming up, so I'll be planning for that, too. Some great things are happening this year, so I just have to perservere this WEEK...

I haven't been doing one day at a time, my mind is on overdrive.

SL -

Ah honey! I know how hard it can be!

It really is BEST to do one day at a time, but it is not easy.

You need to pamper yourself and get back to being the Goddess you are.

You have worked hard on yourself. Enjoy and celebrate yourself and your accomplishments!

That is what the focus of this journey needs to be about first and foremost.

I am striving to be the Best ME - the one that WS will want, of course. However, it is to be be the best ME for ME first. That is whay will make my life a success.

Hopefully, it will be with my H.

I am having a rather down day myself. I am starting LSA proceedings, and worry that it is the slippery slope to losing him forever

But, I know it is the right thing to do. Despite my worries, despit my fear, despite what everyone says.

I have to be true to me. Just like you are being true to yourself. Doing the best we can and knowing whatever the outcome we are strong women who have done all we can to do the right thing

Embrace yourself. Be proud of yourself.

Wish I had some good vibes to send, but I seem to be running low. Vacation. Vacation is good.

What's the weather like? Can you go for a soak in the hot tub?

Bugsmom, you are a pillar of strength! We're human, and live in the ebb and flow. LSA proceedings are hairy, but necessary to protect our lives in a time of utter turmoil. YOU are doing the smart, savvy thing. You will see. It's like exposure, after the inital uproar, there's just a kitty sitting in front of you meowing.

Sdguy, don't feel much like tubbing it tonight (I know, oh POOOOOOR SL, pooooor baby, doesn't feel like hot tubbing it!) I'm j ust goi ng to h ave my V ino and hiccup!o What was I talking about. SYKE! It's just one glass! I'm being a good girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"Question is, why do I give a HOOT?! Why?"

The easy answer is you love him..give yourself a break WH just stomped on your heart again...and to make matters worse your DS is hurting and as his Mom you want to take his pain away. (((((SL))))) you are a great person

A vacation sounds like a great idea and the beach part even sound better

((((SL))))

Tough week, huh?

Your words are, again, mine. I sit and read, nodding my head.

Just wanted to give you a little incentive to "suck it up." I had the week from he!! just before spring break (really busy at work and WH was AWOL). I was almost to the point of not looking forward to our trip to DC...but was just going to do it out of determination, with gritted teeth. Besides, I had already told the kids.

Turns out I had a great time...and as IHC said...a breath of fresh air. I felt like a new person afterwards! It was so worthwhile; I am so very glad we went. We stayed in Gaithersburg...should have come by to visit!

And the hormonal tsumani will pass. It's this time of the month that even getting day to day becomes a struggle, and it reverts back to hour by hour...when on the good days, life is full of possibilities.

At least for me. And not that it does you a lick of good in the moment.

Hugs. That help?

Every little bit of encouragement helps. Knowing that we all are in the trenches, and can truly understand and reach for the right words, that helps.

Sis, I do so look forward to a vacation. I know I will feel rejuvenated, and to fill my sons week with the joys of the beach, building sand castles and flying kites and shopping for kitschy stuff in the local shops and flip flops and sand everywhere, and those beautiful sunrises over the water, and watching the dolphins swim by.

Had a correspondence with WH about his weekend visitation, as well as any headway on getting help for our son. He got a bit personal in his email, stating that he was looking for and wanted/needed help in a big way, that he wanted to be a better father to his son, and that he wanted to see the sunshine again. I was so tempted to respond that the best thing for his son was to come home.

silent...

You are going through the ups and downs again because you are still having to have contact with your WH...he is still showing signs of uncertainty...he still doesn't know what he really wants. All of this is too much for us to carry. When things settle down and the contact, even about DS, is slowed, you will begin to get strong, like the silent we all know and admire.

Hormaone are from the pit of he!!. That was the worsdt time for me as well...sometimes it would hit me and then last all month...it wouldn't go away when it "should" have!

Just know that the sunny days are coming again soon and you will feel like you again..

You are an amazing woman and mom and will reap the fruit of all this labor one day!

IHC

Part of the reason I have been keeping up with asking about headway with finding a counselor is so that we can schedule things and I can go darker. There have been two emails this week, and, of course, unsolicited info about WH's pain right now.

I think it was LG who said his next email would be today. I expected to correspond about DS, as WH is not taking him for overnights, so I needed drop off and pickup times, and I asked about any movement on the counselor front--THAT WAS IT! This is the third time that WH has mentioned something about HIM needing counseling BADLY. I don't ask about him.

SL,

You are doing great! It is not really possible to run a completely dark Plan B at all times when there are kids involved. You even asked that question recently in a thread and got no real help out of it. I am probably one of the few of the Killer Bees who can run a nearly perfect dark Plan B because my kid is not a factor. I really feel for some of you others.

You are forced into a lot of decisions regarding the welfare of your son and how that fits into a dark Plan B. In the end you need to do what is best for your son and that’s what you have always done. Unfortunately this does expose you to occasional WS wah wah boo hoo. Stay strong and be the shield. But……

It does sound like he is thinking a little more now. Make it as dark as you can and if occasionally it has to be a mere “twilight” Plan B that’s the way it is. Don't beat yourself up when it is out of your control.

silent,

I wasn't saying it was something you could control...just trying to help you remember why you were on this rollercoaster emotionally again. You are going through this right now because it IS in the BEST interests of your son. I just wanted to encourage you to know that there is an end to this time. we all go through it and I just wanted to remind you that it WILL end.

i hope you didn't take my words differently than that.

Do you have any great weekend plans?

Thanks Chris, I do keep things very businesslike, no talk, just relating facts. I communicate all I can in one email so that there isn't a lot of back and forth.

I'm doing much better this afternoon, and am looking forward to spending time with friends and their new baby.

I do hope that, in the least, WH is opening his eyes to DS's pain and accepting that he must help him heal in order for DS to become more stable.

Oh by the way, I did notice that a lot of KB’s were feeling down this week, including myself. One of the factors for me has been Hikers wonderful thread on romantic affairs. It has been like reading a clinical report on the disease that is killing (killed?) my marriage. There is so much in there that is so exact to my marriage that it is very humbling. Particularly the mid-life crisis post.

Oh, Chris, that has been something that I noticed myself. The thread doesn't offer much hope; it offers reality.

We have people rooting us on daily, to hold firm and stay dark and pray for our M to be recovered. Reality is a completely different animal. Reality is that recovery rates aren't soaring through the roof, and we must all make the decision ALONE of how to proceed.

I appreciate Hiker's perspective and his thorough research. The MLC post hit me hard, as well as the notion that many never leave this state of mind; that it is a lifestyle change that the WS believes in. That does not bode well. The fact is that many people who go to Plan B on this site are dealing with spouses in Romantic affairs. My mother's affair with my, now, stepdad, was romantic, and resulted in M. They were together for 14 years, married for 5, when my mother died.