That is exactly right. I know it is not the MB way but I am fully convinced that my marriage has no hope at all. It is a romantic affair, it is a midlife crisis, it started as a chance EA but became an exit affair and even if the affair ends WW will pursue her new lifestyle and will not want me anywhere near it. On top of that, Wayzilla is the most stubborn human I have ever met. She will not admit defeat or error.

But at least I know this and I learned it all here. That’s why I keep coming back. It’s not really to save my marriage any longer, it’s to learn how to move on.

Yep. I had/have a hard time reading Hiker's thread. It's great stuff . . . for those who don't know it. I devoured it the first time he posted it and passed along a condensed version to friends and relatives who didn't understand romantic affairs.

This time, however, it's like reading an autopsy report on myself.

I, honestly, would not have chosen Plan B, if it weren't for my attachment to H. That's not to say that I cannot take care of myself or my son, no sir. He is the love of my life, but my life has been only 35 years so far. Now, I could plan my own MLC, being as my mother died when she was a mere 54 years old, but, meh, I choose to just love and live.

I don't need to go spreading myself around to enjoy every day in every way.

I would not BE in plan B if I did NOT want recovery. I, sometimes foolishly, hope that my M can survive, but, let's face it, there is an awful lot to survive. Three EA's (two of which were/are PA's) in 2 years, abandonment of our child, abandonment of me and OUR life, and so on, Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

What Hiker speaks of are the things that aren't really talked about too much here, although a bad outcome is the PURPLE ELEPHANT in the room. When we arrive, we are all so shaken, and for quite a long time, long for recovery. After a while, especially in Plan B, with no real DRAMA, we begin to realize just how serious the sitch is.

I don't want to discourage anyone from trying, with all they have, against all odds, to recovery---HOWEVER---

it takes two...

Yep,

I am pouring you both a cyber bourbon.

Cheers SD, SL.

I haven't read that post yet, but I think that may be why I am where I am right now.

I am seeing this in very real terms...and have discovered H was not who I thought he was.

He also was on the verge of an affair at least 3 times before this...one that he confessed to (had chosen the woman he was going to be unfaithful with, stopped wearing his ring, etc.) the other 2 I just knew in my heart something was up.

I'm sorry if anything I am moving towards has discouraged anyone. You all have been so helpful and supportive, especially on days when I did not have the strength to go on.

I think you keep holding on and fighting until you cannot do it anymore.

IHC

Slainte!

amen! so when is the point that you say "enough" I guess that point is different for everyone. It is uncanny how we can go through different cycles of emotions.

the sad thing for me is that I have gone from my emotions vassilating on a daily basis....one day wanting Recovery, the next saying "no way". now, I am more consistent in my feelings. the more i am away, the more i want to stay away, not just from WS but my spouse as well. the more distance and the more clarity I get, the more I see how WS did not fill my needs before the A, even after I identified them. why would she now? I keep asking myself that. I don't want WS, I don't want my old spouse either. I want a new one...one who WANTS to fill my needs. one who thinks I am worth it.



huh? is that french???

Slainte is IRISH! It means "To your health". Meanwhile, you slug a drink down.

Fighting, my future with H is bleak. I am beginning to become detached from him. I feel awful for not caring about his well-being right now. I'm pretty angry with him and have been so betrayed by him. I also don't really know if he loves me at all anymore, which is okay, such is life. I'm still not clear, but those nails keep getting pounded into the coffin. I'm still pretty opened to recovery, but it would take WS pushing me toward it. I have been trying to reign him in for so long now, I'm pretty tired.

I'm not really sad about that. I think it's much more healthy behavior from me. I want him to WANT ME.

Mimi has expressed this to many in the past, including me, and I never FELT IT. I feel it now. I want him to want me, outside of that, let's take care of business.

I will not end my Plan B, and will probably always have some semblance of Plan B type detachment from WH for the rest of my life, after all, I have loved him for half of my life, and no amount of time can erase that.

Oh, anybody reading this, something OT.

I wanted to change my answering machine to reflect the happy home and Mom and kiddo. Any suggestions for the outgoing message?

SL,

After hearing about the BBQ at Infidel Hotel yesterday I could literally feel a huge detachment instantly release. Like a couple sandbags from a hot air balloon. My feelings are fading like a morning mist at sunrise. Emotionally I am moving on. Plan B.

I agree though that mine will more likely be a fairly permanent Plan B as well. If nothing else just to respect the incredible happy years we had as a couple and a family after DD was born. It is amazing to believe that Wayzilla can not remember any of the good.

Regarding your new message does DS4 have any favorite characters or themes?

"Hi, you've reached CJ and kiddo's house. We're not home but you're important to us, so tell us where we can reach ya, and we'll call when we get back from the beach."

Or how about

"Hi! You've reached CJ and Kiddo. We're at the beach having fun. You know what to do--we'll call you back!"

Or how about

"You've reached 123-4567. CJ and Kiddo are not home right now but we wish we hadn't missed your call. Please leave us your name and number and we'll call you back!"

Or how about

"Hi, this is CJ and Kiddo! SPEAK!"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

We had a phone message where we all said our own name and then ended it with we are having to much fun to come to the phone right now so if you leave a message we might get back to you when the fun is over.

People that had the wrong number would leave messages and say how cute the message was.

I like the CC(my initials) and Kiddo, SPEAK!

Hmmm, my DS L L L L LOVES Star Wars.

Chris, I get what you are saying about detachment. I don't even hear about my WH AT ALL. The fact that he is residing with and sleeping with YET ANOTHER woman does not, however, escape my attention. Plan B isolates me, so I do not have to witness it, but I can imagine him with her out with who I thought were my friends too (although WS has ever so lovingly let me know that these people only care for him; why WOULD they care about me? OUCH, say I!).

I don't think about it obsessively, but I do think about it. Even if it's not permanently, WH has moved on. I'm learning to let go. I can't be his coach in this, and I was a fool to believe that I was. I'm learning, ever so slowly, and growing up a bit each day.

I'm truly doing everything alone now. I don't have weekends off without DS anymore, so I'm having to struggle a bit with being tired, but I'll get used to it. It's really not that big of a deal. I kept him home from daycare today, just to spend a little extra time and get a breather for myself. We talked a bit this morning about DS changing daycare, about renting the beach house and about his upcoming birthday and starting school.

WE also just played three rousing games of CandyLand, he won 2 out of 3 games.

I received an email from WH today regarding his appointment with the counselor (WH's appointment). He will be going Thursday, and is supposed to find out about care for our son then. He also mentioned that he will no longer talk about how HE is feeling in emails, as he knows that I am in Plan B (he's read some of the website), and he wants to respect that.

Well, I responded.

I said that I didn't understand why anyone would want to discuss intimate details of their personal well-being with someone that they do not want in their life. I said that he could discuss these things when he wants me, forsaking ALL others, forever. I also said that I think he misunderstands Plan B.

Out of Surviving an Affair



Some people don't get it...

Also, I think, for now, I'm just a bit tired of attempting to build a M that doesn't exist.

I have to accept that Plan B isn't going to work for recovery. I may have endured too much pain to wait. It is painful to wait for the crumbs that come in the beginning of recovery. It is crumbs, when you watch your spouse go through withdrawal because, sick or twisted or otherwise, they are in love with the OP. I'm examining how much more pain I can take. Pride gets in the way, too, and until I can set that aside and make a clear decision, I'm stuck. Pride tells me to D, and like TODAY, even.

I still feel like an idiot for believing my WH, and allowing him back into my life. I shot myself in the foot on that one, and PRIDE stings...

P.S. I would love to save my M, still, to this day, but I'm understanding that that makes ONE of US...

"I would very much like to discuss your feelings with you. I know that we didn't do enough of that before and that it is critical for us in rebuilding our marriage. Let me know when you end it with OW."

In your best Yoda voice "You've reached CC and DS, but we are busy with our Jedi training. A message you should leave. Return your call we will."

Good one sdguy. I'll have to practice the Yoda voice.

Oh, I got a reply from WH. All he said was 'Good point'. I guess that's an answer, from which I infer that he won't be talking to me, because he doesn't want me in his life. Meh, like I said, I kind of expected that. It will be good to have a bit of silence, so, like Chrisner said, I can retain the great memories of my life with my DH and son, without marring them with my NOW life with WH any further.

I will now shed a few tears, as per usual, and get on with the rest of my day.

I guess I'm befuddled as to why WH talks about wanting to 'see the sun shine again' if he's happy without me. Confusing.

Hopefully, this email will stop the details that he has given. Believe me, inside myself, I happily take the crumbs and eat them, even though I'm no longer asking for them. I would just much prefer to have a clean plate...

"I still feel like an idiot for believing my WH, and allowing him back into my life. I shot myself in the foot on that one, and PRIDE stings"...

(((((SL)))))

You are not an idiot your WH is...you did what any of us would do...you love him you want your DS to have the family he deserves.

I think you are an incredible women...one day your WH will wake up and see what he lost.

sdg...thats it.....its great SL!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Okay, so my next issue. WH STILL has not moved his stuff out. It has been over a month. What's the deal?

Make a sign that says "STBXH Stuff" Everything must go!!!! Today only.

Take your digital camera out and take a picture of the sign. Email the sign to STBXH with just the subject "This sign will be used next saturday unless other arrangemens are made.

Good luck.