SL, I am so impressed with you. It's been so amazing to watch you work your way through all this gunk and still take the time to encourage others. Thank you so very much.

You are an incredible mother...nothing your WH does changes that. Your DS is so blessed to have you.

Fox, *I'm* blessed to have all of you as my friends. None of this is easy, but it can be done with ease with a little help from our friends.

Hi SL,

Just checking in.


Thanks for your support today. I said it earlier on the KB Court thread that I really do not know where I would be without this site and the support of these people. So many amazing, smart, caring, wise and funny people.

Ok , so I'm driving home, listening to U2, and a song comes up ("All I Want IS You) and I start to thinkin' (never a good sign)....THAT IS WHAT I WANT! See the song builds to this incredible crescendo, with that beautiful, twanging guitar that The Edge plays, and Bono is screaming "All I Want is YOOOOOOOUR LOVE!" over and over again. Relentless. I want to be that to someone AGAIN, and feel that for someone again. Not anytime soon, but someday. I look forward to it, even.

Here's the thing, I'm starting to think that I may be falling out of love with my H, he's been gone so long (2 years to my knowledge--plus, however long before that I was unaware of). I actually feel worrisome, as I still would like to recover my M, but I may really want to recover my FAMILY more, at this point.

The desperation I've felt over the last two years is fading fast.

Meh, just thought I would say it out loud.

I know what you mean, SL. I really miss the intimacy and the feelings of being with someone. I see that it wasn't there prior to the affair, but there's no reason to think that we couldn't get it back.

For me, however, the family is more important. I believe that the marriage will follow. I'm doing what I'm doing for my kids first. That it would be good for me and WW is only a secondary benefit at this point. If not for the kids, I would be gone.

I still suffer this some nagging fear regarding detaching. I have detached enough to work my Plan B, but I still have hope for my marriage. If I really really detach, I'm afraid that I won't want WW back.

SL,

I felt nothing for Wayzilla today at court. I had no trouble sleeping last night and I had no butterflies in my stomach going into the courthouse. She was already there hiding behind a pillar waiting for her attorney and when I saw her I felt; nothing. At least nothing positive or longing. I did feel this strange combination of disgust and pity. She looks terrible. Since then I keep thinking about what I always believed would be undying love and wonder, “So that’s it then? It’s over?” I think it really is.

Sdguy, I am concerned that I will only want to try because of my son, and may hinder or sabotage any hope for recovery MYSELF. How terrible would that be; not that I'm saying WH is coming home. No signs from him and the ManUp division.

I knew this was coming, I always have, even in my darkest hour, I knew time would take this with it. I knew it. I now am trying to stay the course and try to remain hopeful that we may recover. Jennifer told me that you only need ONE THING to begin recovery, ONE REASON, and it doesn't have to be love for your spouse.

I had two reasons and one is fading fast (love/want). Not good. I must remain as dark as the deepest cave now, to keep that ember hot enough, I'm going to need all my energy. Right now, I am exhausted. Since my DS doesn't have overnights, I don't really get a break. It's okay, but exhausting.

I'm going to have a nice slow sipping glass of Chardonnay and relax. I just ate my world famous (well my kitchen famous) grilled cheese sandwich. I'm going to now partake of aforementioned wine with crisp Granny Smith apple slices.

THAT's what I'm afraid of.

I don't know. I've talked before about struggling with the whole 'how to think'/'how to feel' aspect of Plan B. I guess I'm still struggling with it.

Chris, how long would you say, of your 23yr? marriage were you happy, contented? I only ask because I'm interested in how far down the Wayzilla fell from grace, and I'll be interested to see how she reacts during and after the D proceedings.

SL,

I have a practical suggestion--one single mom to another. When I had my two kids full-time and exH was not interested in seeing them on a regular basis, I found a friend who had a couple kids herself, and we would trade babysitting. I would watch her kids overnight while she went out or even just sat at home and had a quiet night to herself, and verse visa. We didn't charge each other because we watched evenly...and we picked up the kids the next morning so they would know where they were going to spend the night, etc. That way, we could have girl-talk over coffee too!!

Personally, I don't think I ever went out "wild and crazy" but just to get the chance to read MY book...quietly...and take an uninterrupted bubble bath with Frank Sinatra music in the background was PRICELESS! I usually went to the coffee house or the book store...but it was fun for me and a little break.

Soooo...just a suggestion!!


--CJ

CJ, I will look into that. Most of my girlfriends that have children live pretty far away (1hr+). We'll see. I'll be back, my tenacious terrier is out back barking her little head off and annoying the ever lovin' crap outta me...

Silent,

I admire you're strentgh through all of this. And I hope and pray that I get to that point someday.

I just want to thanke you for your help that you have given me over the last couple of months.

Your son is very lucky to have such a strong and loving woman for a mom.

Still

One thing I can say about my mom, despite some bad choices that she made, and the impact on my life, I ALWAYS knew I was loved and valued. That is a very important thing. Being valued means that the decisions I make have an affect on others'. That can be a pretty heady thing to know, but very valuable.

I still think my mother was incredible. She left my father when my brother was 8, sister was 3 and I was 1. Three children, all on her own, back in the early seventies. Her mother WOULD not help her, told her to go back to her ABUSIVE, DRUNK, of a husband. She got a job, waitressing, of course, and worked her tail to the bone, even went without food so we could eat. So she made some bad decisions, but she's gone now, and I am grown and must learn how to deal on my own.

I KNOW how to love, and I see the joy in having a child, even wish that I had more sometimes. I'm still lucky.

Still, we all have this fighter inside of us. It will come to you. It just takes quite a while for much of the hurt to subside and our vision not to be clouded.

SL,

Our marriage will be 26 years and one month when the divorce is final.

For me I was pretty dumb and happy right up until mid-last summer. That is when WW began her withdrawal and things started to seem strange. Wayzilla has always been a committed workaholic and that has been particularly true of the past 2-1/2 years. Both DD19 and I groused about how much she was away but I thought in time she would get her fill of working that much and would back off. She really loves her work (and loves to hate it) and I just planned on being patient. I was happy coaching basketball and working in the yards so I just did not give it enough attention.

As recent as last May we worked together on an elevated flagstone patio garden in the back yard and I never could have guessed what was starting to go on. There was no evidence of her “years and years of unhappiness” then.

All the prior years were great. We both were very active and pleased with DD19’s school and basketball. We all had fun, we laughed a lot; it was a really great marriage to me. Most people we know thought we were one of those ideal committed lifelong couples. There are so many people who have known Wayzilla for years who are still stunned at what she has done.

November of 2006 came and I finally started to see what was happening blatantly before my eyes. From there you know my story.

Regarding after the divorce, she has seemed to try to set up a couple things that would require some ongoing contact between us. She told me the day she picked up Mount Wayward that we would always see each other at DD’s birthdays and some holidays etc. I told her that won’t be happening. She truly seemed hurt and told me that would be my decision.

Like you once said, when this is over I will be in a lifelong Plan B with her.

I left after her yesterday from the courthouse and she did not see me following her to the parking lot. She looked alone, frail and defeated. Pity is about my last emotion left for her.

VAlued. That struck me because that is exactly what we are all looking for I think.

I use that all the time when I talk to my FWW and kids. I will not devalue myself for you. I think I am worth a million bucks don't try to sell me short.

Looks like they set the correct value for you too.

Too bad sometimes others dont see that.

Good for you with the Son I really admire you.

NOt much time to post so if this makes no sense it is the keyboards fault.

Oh one more thing. Troubled water needs advice not getting much attention on the board any chance you could take a look at her thread?

Chris, about the time that my H was becoming wayward, we were building a swing set for our DS, for his birthday. I remember him being somewhat terse now and then, but I thought we were both happy, maybe strained, but not UNhappy. Having a young child can put the hurtin on a relationship, but my WH took it to new levels. He was always so concerned with himself. This is a trait that I learned to deal with, and tried to talk with him about.

The feelings of guilt that I lauded upon myself were so great, because he SAID that he told me he didn't want kids. First off, Bullchit! Secondly, I told WH that I DID want kids, maybe two and he only said, "I'd be happy with just one, to be honest" Riiiiight, to be HONEST. Bullchit again.

Now, he misses his son, but I don't think TERRIBLY. I can't be sure, but I just don't think so. Sad, really, to not open yourself up to love, probably because it also opens you up to pain. Meh, that's not how I live.

I had always hoped that WH's problems with fatherhood would wane as our son aged. He may never know, because, truthfully, he's not really a DAD, he's a part-time playmate, that's about it.

Frog, value in myself is something that I grasped at an early age. I hope that my DS will grasp that too, for I cannot do that for him.

Hi SL,

That is an interesting post. I mentioned the other day that I went through all your threads since October. Something struck me at that time but I did not feel inclined to mention it. I will now and I hope it causes no offense regarding your WH. It has struck me that it almost seems like your WH wants you to raise his son until he gets to the “fun age”. Football, baseball, basketball, whatever. You are here to do the tough years and he will jump in when the “fun stuff “ starts happening. I don’t know if that makes sense but it was just a feeling I had.

Again, remember you are listening to a guy who just fumbled away a 26 year marriage so anything he says should be considered suspect if not outright stupid.

Oh, Chris, this has definitely crossed my mind, even when he WASN'T wayward, this was a part of what caused my resentment toward him. If I didn't ask directly for help, he didn't help. Not atypical, but still suspect. He bought books about teaching your son to tie knots and how to fish and how to be a good dad, and what kind of dad will you be, etc. He was fascinated with the SUBJECT, but not so much with the actual kid. Nope, I did most of the bathing, feeding, cooking, playing, kisses, reading, singing, parenting. I became a mom.

He would talk about DS getting older and taking him fishing and teaching him about cars and motors and computers and such. It was dreamy talk, but I don't see it happening any time soon. Maybe it will, who knows.

I really don't know how this thing is gonna go down. I'm not really caring as much these days, or, geez <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />, that's a misrepresentation, backup, strike that, start over...

I really don't know how this thing is gonna go down, and for now, it is not my central focus...There that's much better, whew (wipes her brow).

The way I see it, WH has a lot of ground to make up all on his own, no help from me. If he can't do it, I don't want it.

I repeat what I said before, I want to be wanted, to be sought for attention, conversation, affection, family time. I will not grovel, no begging, no more tears, except when watching 'Steel Magnolia's' of course.

My Husband and I were into watching movies together, and he would always giggle at me and wipe my tears away, while poking fun at how some movies turn my eyes into Nigara falls. He thought it was endearing. These are the things I am remembering these days. I had those memories locked away, because of the pain they caused before.
Now, I have changed and moved to a safer place, where the memories and the happiness still exist, and always will; hence, the reason behind keeping a semi-PlanB forever.

I would not want the love I hold for the first real strong love in my life to interfere in future love.

I am so happy that I found this place, so very happy...

I know you saw my last post on my own thread. My marriage now is a panoramic collage framed and mounted in a place where I will remember it happily forever. It is a beautiful memory. Next to it is an empty frame that I hope will someday be every bit as beautiful.