you sound like you're in a good place silent

Eav,
I still have days of longing for what I know could be, if only my H would return. Days like today, when everything looks so stark and bleak, overcast sky, threatening rain, these days can be hard. I don't really know why, as yesterday I was doing well. It could be a song or a look from a stranger or a word from my son.

This morning, I'm driving DS to daycare and he just starts talking about his daddy. How his daddy did a bad thing to me and left me, and him, and how he wishes his daddy would come home. I respond in kind, but inside it pains me. I am angry and a wee bit saddened everytime I hear my son talk of his pain. I'm happy that he talks to me, as opposed to blocking it all away.

I am in a good place. I can handle many days like this now. I have gotten off of the meds and find that I am very stable emotionally, and feel better physically, more alert, I guess. I try to laugh WHENEVER I possibly can.

Look at Chrisner's recent posts. We all see a man who is funny and charming and able to laugh his way out of a cauldron of h3ll. Look closer though. This is a man who is dealing in whatever way he knows how, and making people laugh fills him up. It does not, however, take away the pain of loss and the facts of life.

WE all hurt daily, sometimes hourly, and sometimes every minute that ticks by can be excruciating. I think I'm just learning to let go of the really bad stuff that I can not do anything about. The loss lingers...

Well, sweetie I think that you are doing a wonderful job of handling not only your grieving, but allowing your son to grieve too!

Each day both of you move more and more towards acceptance...

Each day that you live I reality and understand that what was once there was an illusion...however real at one point, somewhere along the way it changed...

It's okay...it's okay to feel the pain and know that things will get better...

It's the gifts that you recieve in the process...the close bond that you and DS are sharing...knowing that he feels comfortable talking with you...

What a gift that is...and you're aware of it...I am not at that point with F...doesn't talk about it...but then again neither of the boys ask for their father...so I'm not sure how much it REALLY bothers them...

He worked alot and they were always with me...when he was home, they would play together in their room and STBX spend little time with them...

presently, STBX doesn't call...

I can see how much more difficult your sitch is, being that WH calls and wants to be a part of DS life...I can feel the pain myself...I would think that it weights down on you so heavy at times...

And this is why I feel that YOU are SO amazing and are doing SUCH an excellent job...

I admire you...inspiring little YOU!

Wow, thanks Rin!

I'm almost positive that those boys miss the 'good time dad' that they did have in moments. I'm sure they have suffered a great deal of loss. I'm also sure that the situation that you have removed them from was bad, and maybe they are just beginning to be able to let their guardds down and relax.

As long as you keep talking and asking questions, they will know that you are paying attention, whether they answer or not, they will know that you are there. You are teaching them good things Rin, but taking the initiative to get yourself help, you are changing and finding a better way to live, and placing boundaries that those boys will see. I think they will be even better when you are all settled.

I figure in due time...their will be questions...I figure there enough pressure, there's no point in me adding more...

Thank you...I'm doing the best I can with what I have! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No point in stopping now!

I started looking for houses for sale in the area, just in case! That would be so cool! I'd be happy! new house, new furniture...WOW, BABY! NEW LIFE! GREAT KIDS! HECK YEA...

I just might have to throw a party...LOL

Rin, if you throw a party, I'd consider coming!

I do feel the same way about moving on COMPLETELY. I would like to start over in a new place. I've thought a lot on this. I may take a hit, but I would be able to start out with a clean slate. Hmmm, we'll see...

I'll say it again, Rin, you WILL be a MB success story, just as believer and CJ and so many others are...

My calendar gets pretty open soon too.

ALRIGHT, everybody's comin to South Louisiana...New Orleans 45 minutes away...

But I'd rather stay at the house...let the kids run around, BBQ, BS...drink a little...get some music going...

AH, sueki, sueki, now!

We can go for a theme party! LMAO

I agee with SL.

I honestly believe you both are.

I know saving the M is the desired end result but not at the cost of your self.

IMVHO you are both doing well, you are both working on self improvement, and neither one is letting the h's have an M under their terms.

Isn't that a success.

You are amazing Silent, you really are.

Milk

Yup, I feel successful now, as opposed to wallowing in self pity about my sitch, I feel like my life is back on track...

Oh, Rin, I'll be happy to get down wit my bad self. I love a good BBQ! Let's see, I can two step, do the electric slide, the running man, some poppin and lockin, a little booty dance here and there (Doin' da butt, da da dada, the way she shook her booty, sure look good to me...), salsa, little ballet, jazz...

I can do the smurf the popeye and the Jerry lewis.

Electric slide, macarana, you name it. I can do the hustle too. Any way.

I am a little far away so just imagine hairy legs in shorts eating whatever the heck comes off the BBQ except for seafood.

Oh and the wallowing thing as fun as it sounds it is over rated. LOL.

They don't have a name for what I do, seems to always draw a crowd though. Only takes 10 beers to see it.

I'll bring the deer sausage and whatever looks awsome at the meat market by the house. Probably some cubed back strap wrapped in bacon and maybe stuffed with cream cheese.

He11 yeah!!

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA! only 10 beers huh!

LMAO...BC...I'm going to have to commision you to do the BBQing...you know I don't know how to lite the grill! LMAO

SL- You think that's funny...two or three and I have a buzz...

And I do take my clothes off... :::ssshhhhh!::: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

STBX was sooooo mad at me for at least a week for that one...but HN2 poured a whole beer down the front of my shirt...so, I borrowed another friends other shirt, he was wearing two...

So, i went to the corner of the bar...with my back turned to everyone and changed shirts...

There's more to that story but I'll leave that alone... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh, Frog...What? No shrimp wrapped in bacon for you? Com"on MAN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I DO NO LINE dancing...I'm there with BC...no name for what I do! Occasionally the robot! I can swim! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I learned all my moves at the Ministry of Silly Walks. Anymore there is a whole new meaning to me “busting a move”. Could involve 911 calls.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...OH cHRIS...It CAN'T be that BAD!

It's okay, you can sit bad in a lounge chair, with sunglasses and a good beer! Watchin all the white folks...LOL!

Chris, you must be like Elaine Bennis from Seinfeld. Those funny walks can draw a crowd.

Hey, I was talking to my brother about "Life of Brian" and he informed me that John Cleese's original last name was CHEESE. Clever, those brit's are...

You can cover me with a shawl and use a mirror now and then to make sure I am still breathing.

SL, ever notice George Harrison in Life of Brian? The camera quickly pans by him in the crowd in Brian's room after he accidentally exposes himself thought the window. I think he is like the only person wearing red.

WeWeese Bwian!

BC: No one wants to see what I would do after 10 beers but I will let you know it involves a bucket.

I never caught that, I'll have to check that out, Chris.

After 10 beers, I won't even know what a bucket is...or who I am for that matter.