What REALLY helped me when I was in your position was to FOCUS ON MYSELF...helped me throughout the process...now it almost comes natural..

FOCUS ON MEETING HIS PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS..that's all that YOU can do REALLY...the better you are at this, the less likely he will feel NEEDY...although he will remain VULNERABLE for a good while...

Meeting his NEEDS helps YOU..GIVING him AFFECTION by HUGGING AND SQUEEZING HIM, helped me FEEL MORE SECURE and I was able to REGISTER.."HE'S REALLY HERE"..that became a habit for me when the FEAR crept in..

FIND YOUR OWN MEANS OF COPING that YOU CAN CONTROL..what can YOU DO to best handle this DIFFICULT SITUATION and time..

I thought of another thing..CALL HIM during the day at work..ask him how he's doing..YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING this way..not sitting around being anxious..waiting for the next ball to drop..

Can you regularly MEET FOR LUNCH?

What I'm saying is ..as much contact with each other as possible..

RECOVERY is sooo DIFFICULT...

Howdy Mimi,

I have been meeting his needs; admiration being one I know is at the forefront; interestingly enough, I'm finding this is a top need for me to.

He's definitely here, present. I think that is where the fear comes in. I am dealing with the fear as it comes, not letting is wash over me, just listening and working with what I've learned so far.

We're actually doing pretty well. Just voicing what's in my head.

My work will be moving to the side of town that he works in, so we may actually be able to get together for lunch on occassion. I do call sometimes, and need to step up on this one. We talk every afternoon, either as I'm driving home or as I'm arriving home, PWC calls. It's nice, and I totally appreciate this effort on his part.

I give him lovin-s daily, hugs and kisses, and looking him in the eye, asking about work, and really listening.

I have learned that I can only control me and work on me. That has really been, and continues to be a great lesson.

We have been working toward a more beautiful garden this year. It's funny, many of the perrenials that haven't looked so great over the last couple of years just began flourishing this spring. Everything is so lush and lovely. We both really loved to get in the garden and get dirty, so that's where we are starting.

I cannot express how much I appreciate the 2x4s and love that you have bestowed upon me over the last year, Mimi. I FINALLY got much of what you had been saying, which is a good thing, cause me and PWC are gonna need it.

Focusing on self is coming more and more easy as the days go by. I, quite literally, tell myself that his things are not mine to control, but my reactions and actions ARE.

SL,

Haven't posted to you in quote some time. Might have been back during the last false recovery.

Anyways, so glad that things are more positive this time. I hope that my path runs the same as yours did.

Best of luck to you and PWC

Silentlucidity:

I worked last night 7p - 7a and have been reading your post here since I got home. I did not get all the way through since I have to get some sleep and work again tonite.Ace suggested that I come to this site and said he thought my story sounded somewhat like yours. You have posted to me once..I do not know how familiar you are with my situation.

I will post, and am hopeing to hear from you. I did notice you and your wh are back together...congratulations and god bless you and your family. I am praying for the same.
Mish

SL,

You are the poster child for doing this right. I really admire you.

I will say this: No matter how this thing ends up you have become an even more wonderful person you then you were before!!

I think the FWH knows this too.

Kudo's and a pat on the back for you.

Any man would be lucky to have you as a W now it seems your H has opened his eyes up and can see how lucky he is that you want him.

Hi, SL...just dropping in on you...I'm so happy for you...well, I guess since you and H are back together then I can't come sit on the deck with you and bad mouth our H's...

And I'll tell you what you say that you admire me but it's SOOO mutual...

Well, you got my email address, LMAO, right along witht he rest of MB!

Oh, and I'll have to agree with Frog...poster child...great advice for SOOO many here! DS is turned 5 when again? Just wondering the boys' b-day's are coming up...21 and 29...Thank God for child support! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks everybody,

I certainly believe that having my MB friends kept me sane while working the plans. It is a tough line to walk.

Rin, DS turned 5 on the 23rd of May. He's so proud of his 5 year old status! He says, "I can touch the bottom of the pool with my toes now, because I'm 5!"--like it granted him super growing powers. He got in the pool at about 10AM and will be in and out all day now.

I tell you what, that poster probably said, "Missing Person" for a long time. It's amazing how much you lose of yourself if you aren't careful. Well, I'm found now. Feeling so much more like myself, so much more comfortable in my skin, in no small part thanks to the push from you guys to get it together. Thanks.

LMAO...kind of like if I buy these shoes, I can jump higher! You have to love kids!

This year is really going to be different for you...DS going to school...are you going to cry, mom? I'm not sure how I'll feel with L going to school this year...

Probably excited and want to celebrate...I'll be getting a raise without the extra child care cost! WOOHOO!

Well, I know once I get settled over here, you ever want to make a trip back to New Orleans you are more than welcome to stay with me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin, I may take you up on that!

I totally get the break in child care costs; I do so love my work, though, so I found DS great care--my dad is taking him during the day for the summer.

I will probably cry the first day of school; I'm a bit of a weeper--not slobbery mess, but crocodile tears, just a few, uncontrollably leaping from my eyes...

LOL...I understand that! STBX made me follow the bus the five blocks to school on F's first day of school...

He was the one nervous and "I" had to follow the bus...I didn't get it!

I'm the same way...I'm not a sobber...more like a slient crier!

Well, you know how to get in touch with me...feel free when you feel the need!

I thought I would just send up a little update.

Recovery is slow going. I am filling out the EN's questionnaire, have been lazy about getting this thing moving. I wanted to just get settled in a bit before jumping into things; I may have expected that PWC was going to leave again, I dunno, just waiting a month for the honeymoon period to be over.

Now, I feel that PWC needs to know what my NEEDS are and how to go about filling up my LB. He mentioned the same and I hope he will fill it out, so that I can begin to do the same (fill the LB).

I have a wall around me right now, and need PWC's help in breaking it down; it took a long time to build, and it will take some time to demolish it. I almost feel guilty for having it in the first place. I feel like it hurts his feelings, but I think the truth hurts his feelings, not me, and *I* may remind him of the truth. He still seems to be holding onto the ideal of perfection, noticeable in small things. I cannot be perfect, it's impossible. I cannot ignite the feelings of lust that the OW did, because he doens't want me, right now, as he did the OW. There is no CHASE, because I am here. Probably why the wall is still up. I dunno why, it protects me from nothing, just gets in the way.

I guess saying that helps me to dismantle the wall a bit today. The wall protects me from nothing, just shuts him out of my life and ruins our chances for recovery. I am dismantling it more and more as I type this. I guess the wall represents my total lack of trust. I just don't feel as protected as I hoped I would. I'm not even talking about OW, I'm talking about PWC's tendency to look outside of our M for comfort and joy, even if it's temporary. You see, our M right now, is not so great, we're back to how it was pre A's. So, I'm batting the assumptions down left and right. I assume he will just leave when the going gets tough, or when he tires of the work. I can't say I feel he has bent over backwards, but I wonder if that's not just his withdrawal. I'm not looking for any grand gestures of love right now, but there's something to be said about making me feel more comfortable.

I admit that I do not feel like doing any of the heavy lifting right now. Part of the reason that I am filling out the EN questionnaire is so that PWC may have some insight into what I need to FEEL comfortable and vice versa. I'm feeling selfish, and that serves no purpose. Gotta put the TAKER on the backburner for a while, I suppose. The TAKER is chomping at the bit, as it has been given very little over the past few years, but I know that it can hurt our recovery, so I leave it be, and try to give the best way I know how. Preparing meals, working on the yard, admiring his accomplishments around the house, telling him he looks nice, kisses and hugs initiated by me. Real life has a way of diminishing those things.

For instance, I give him a hug, and begin to talk to him about his day and then DS interrupts and needs help, which bothers PWC (me too). Then the deposit I made is diminished by the interruption. Or the dogs need something or someone from work calls him or his friends call him, real life interrupts.

Vacation was okay. I did get some relaxation in. DS had some bad moments, and PWC and I didn't really get any alone time, or very little, and I could tell he was perturbed by it. My problem is that he didn't initiate anything with me. He went fishing with my dad, while I stayed behind with DS for a whole day. He went down to the beach to fish with my dad, while me and DS played in the surf or on the beach in the sand. He was detached.

I hurt my back Monday afternoon, and I sense that he is upset with me. I don't know why, but I have sensed that he has had problems with me being ill in the past. It seems like he feels burdoned during those times. I can't be sure, because when I ask, he says he's fine, so I'm going with that. He's fine. I can only go with what he says and does. It's a perception, a feeling, and intuition that I have, no backed by his saying anything, so I'm leaving it at he's fine...

We, obviously, are so very early into this, and I have no expectation that PWC will know me right away, or change his behaviors until he is ready or wants to. He may never want to. I have already accepted that I do not control him, but that doens't mean that I will not get discouraged and that it won't affect me. I'm still happy, albeit in pain right now, but I know the pain will pass over the next week, so I'm okay with that. PWC just seems so negative, about our dog, especially, and he's really not even that bad. He whines when he wants or needs something, which is not actually all that often, mostly he sleeps. I'm considering finding another person to take care of him, but I don't know if I can part with him. My dogs have been a tremendous comfort over the last two years; maybe PWC just can't understand the attachment I have. I also feel responsible for that dogs health and happiness to some extent. He's already been passed around so much, and I've made some strides with him. Anyway, that's a discussion for another day.

SL,

I notice the same thing, there were no fireworks or gongs or anything.

It was like we were married again. A lot more gaurded and we now know our EN's and there is a little more focus on that but for the most part it is pretty boring.

Somewhat like it was before this mess started.

Little different but essentially the same.

Yeah, no bells or whistles. Like I said, I don't have expectations, just want to work on things and get back on track. I would love, one day, for PWC to look at me with adoring eyes and tell me how much he loves me. That's my goal, for us BOTH to be happy.

I don't think our M was all that bad, we just forgot to care for eachother, thought it wasn't as dire as it was. Now, we both know that we need to work at this. I'm just feeling disenchanted, prolly because of PMS bringing on the melancholy.

Thanks for always being the first to prompt me into posting, Frog. You are good at getting me to write it all down. Maybe others will get something out of what I write, learn something, even if it is what NOT to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe the dog is a safe outlet for bad feelings (of which he must have lots and lots)?


Words out of my mouth again. I'm so proud of you for hanging in, SL. Thanks for keeping us posted.

SL, okay this is where I CAN help (I hope). I understand perfectly what you're saying because I felt the same when my H first came home. You two HAVE to talk. You have to have that freedom to come clean with each other about what you're feeling. At one point I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't get IT said, what I needed to say, without fear of reprisal or rejection.

So, I told my dear H there are some things I need to say to you and I need you to "hear me". I'm not saying them to be mean, it's just how I feel. If I can't trust you with my feelings, then who can I trust?

Then I told him... everything I felt during, before and especially after. I told him this is where I am. I felt like I'd been robbed. That his time away was time stolen from our family that could never be replaced. There were some things I needed from him. I know you're home. I LOVE that you're home. But we can't really start healing unless you help me deal with this.

After it was over he asked me, "Feel better?" I did. He held me. I told him that there would be more times when I needed to unload but that everytime I did, it was a little more healing. I also told him that he could do the same with me. I did not WANT the marriage we had pre-A. Neither did he. The only way we could avoid that was to be REAL and CAREFUL with each other.

It gets better SL... you're understandably leery. So is he. But one of you have to take the bull by the horns and get this recovery ball rolling for real.

Thanks.guy. It's nice to know that others had the same issues.

princessmeggy, your insight is just what I need right now. For one, I need to know that his reactions and mine are normal under these circumstances. I emailed PWC the link to the thread that Melody started about forgiveness, and the link to the EN's questionnaire. HE agrees that we need to get this ball rolling, which is good.

I think discussing our needs will open us up a bit more to discussion of what we need to move forward. I'm leery, and I have been fighting back my sense of entitlement to ammends for the damages done. I don't think it works that way. I don't really know how it works, but I feel that I cannot move forward without him putting himself out there on the limb.

SL:

For US, RECOVERY was REAL SLOW going.

My H remained IN THE FOG to some extent for a full 6 months and didn't seem NORMAL until a year.

It's taken until NOW...4 years... for me to often FORGET that he ever had an affair.

I had to do most of the work. The best way to describe it is sort of a continuance of PLAN A..but, different than that..he SLOWLY but SURELY began to meet my NEEDS...but he was doing a lot of his own work of learning to live in the REAL WORLD...

Your expectations may be a bit TOO HIGH, SL...

If you want this, it's YOUR WORK on YOURSELF..not expecting him to do this for you..YOU TEARING DOWN THE WALL..YOU CONTINUING TO BE THE BEST WIFE THAT YOU CAN BE...YOU GIVING YOUR MARRIAGE PRIORITY OVER ANYTHING ELSE...that is, IF YOU WANT TO DO YOUR PART...

He needs to feel that he is NUMBER 1 in your life..Yes, put him first over your dog, SL...if the dog bothers HIM, it needs to be considered and dealt with...

I totally understand your struggles..but you've come this far...it's the end of the marathon..don't give up now...

It's just been ONE MONTH...

He's absolutely still in WITHDRAWAL I would think...

You haven't seen the REAL PWC yet...

I second that. I guess now that I think about it, we didn't really start having those conversations until almost a year after he came home. Before that I felt like I too was doing all the heavy lifting. He was recovering from his own stuff first (which was critical).

Hearing Billy Graham talk about his LOVE for his WIFE and how they REKINDLED THEIR ROMANCE in RECENT YEARS..and how he can't wait to be with her....touched me SOOO today...brought tears to my eyes...I called my H and said "I LOVE YOU" and "THANKS, FOR LOVING ME"....