Hey Chris!

Yup, holidays suck!

You are one lucky dog to get to watch the fireworks from your roof! I have always been so envious of THOSE people; meanwhile I'm luggin' my cooler and chair and kid and kit and kaboodle to a spot where a HUUUUUGE tree blocks some of the display, and I'm parched from walking in the heat! Meanwhile, the lucky locals are on their roofs, with unobstructed views, suckin down some tasty beverages and relaxing, sweatless and fancy free.

WZ carried an email around with her; how 7th grade can she possibly get? Was it folded with a release tab, like I used to make when passing letters in class?

Echo on the affairs too!

SL,

You are one smart cookie.

Good luck with the questions. It is funny because it is the underlying problems that need to be rooted out.

Someone had a quote from "When Harry met Sally" about that. I don't remember who but you have probably seen it.

The A is just a progression of something not being right. Find out what it was and you probably have a good chance of recovery.

Being more in tuned as well.

I hear you guys on the holidays. My 10th anniversary was this month and I still have a heck of a time knowing my fww took OM out to dinner then back to his basement apartment for some SF. Hard to digest that.

Triggers me still

Oh well nothing I can do about it now.

Ah, the quote was in my sig line up until about 10 minutes ago.

It goes like this,

Oh SL,

I know it was yours. It was a joke.

Watch out for those squirrels.

Y'know, I thought you were joking, but you can be so deadpan sometimes, that my nutty brain wrestles with it, and sometimes thinks you're serious.

Silent"the maroon"lucidity...

SL ~ Just read some of your stuff about what you want to know, need to know, etc., and asking your FWH if you could do an answer-and-question session.

Have you considered counseling with SH? He has been I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-Y helpful to us this time around; after the false recover we went through I just wasn't willing to take any chances this time.

SH really knows the best route/plan for recovery, and the BEST part is that he does all the suggesting (he actually calls them "assignments") to the FWS about what the BS needs in order to recover.

It leads to a LOT less resistance/arguments/bad attitude from the FWS, because we aren't asking them/pressuring them for things we need in order to heal.

Just my experience, for what it's worth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey marriedforever,

I agree that counseling with the Harleys is a good idea; during our false recovery, we both, separately, counseled with Jennifer Chalmers, but have not called back since.

I spoke to PWC last night about counseling, and he agreed that we may need to start soon, so that we have an unbiased party to help us wrangle with some of our marital issues. I have suggested the Harleys.

What I found to be really good about last night, is that the questions and answers went fairly smoothly, and PWC really answered, really honestly, VERY quietly, but honestly. I'm glad that we did sit and discuss some things about the A's, but I'm more interested in moving forward now.

PWC said that he is interested in talking about the EN's. He said that he really wants recreational companionship. I, too, want the same thing. He said that I do not have many hobbies away from the home, so he doesn't really know what I want. I told him that I want to be a part of his life, his activities.

I do have my own, but they are mostly home based, like gardening, reading, home improvements, decorating, SHOPPING. I also do enjoy physical activities. I love racquet sports, and we used to play racquetball together. I would like to attempt tennis again. I also like to throw the frisbee around in the yard. I love going to the movies or just out for a drink and some appetizers now and then (JUST ME AND HIM). Actually, my recreational activities have more to do with entertainment, I guess.

I also enjoy camping, and a bit of travel (for those of us on a budget--local travel). We talked a lot about this.

PWC talked about wanting me to come to the local race track with him (he is in a pit crew for a friend) when he goes for overnights; be a part of the crowd like I used to. He needs my support and I want to give it. I'm actually excited to talk about this stuff again.

So, I want a bit more physical activity and he wants my support for his activities and we both want some time out now and then without our son.

Knowing that most of our conversation ended up focused on EN's, I believe that counseling with the Harleys may be a good bet. We may have to counsel with Jennifer because she has evening hours.

Well, it sounds like you got a lot of talking done, that's great!

Sounds like you and I are very much in the same boat in that most of our main interests involve stuff around being a wife and mom (home-based stuff).

Not sure about you, but part of my "problem" (if you can call it that), is that for so long now (we've been married for almost 13 years), I have been so focused on being the best wife and mom I could be, I just sort of lost interest in outside activities. They didn't seem to matter that much, they weren't important to me, I was pretty happy being a wife and mom and focusing all of my interests there. Those WERE my interests.

And now my life is so consumed with this affair mess, I am having a hard time focusing on and thinking of other things that might interest me. H can come up with a ton of things that interest him, but I am lost, and my motivation is low. That's what I am struggling with the most lately. No connected-ness between us, and no motivation to do anything about it.

As for the counseling ~ I have counseled with both Jennifer and SH; for us, I believe that SH is better for my H. Because of the time differences, we take a 6:00 am appt.(our time) time slot. H has also come home at lunch time to make an appt.

Hope you have a good weekend and that your conversations continue to improve! I am happy for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MarriedForever,

Well, I don't think it is all that unusual for a mother of young children to be more consumed with their care and the care of the home. That will, most likely, change as the children age and begin to reject you in their teenage years!

Seriously, you have a very young son, and two elementary school aged children; give yourself a break; let the hobbies come to you. Some people like to knit, crossstitch, play an instrument, learn a language, workout, etc and so on.

Also, not to be sexist here, but consider the role of a mother and wife; what does that entail for you, not including any hobbies. You probably spend half of your time trying to decide whether to cook dinner tonight or not, what to cook, laundry needs to get done, the floor is a mess, need to help with homework, oh, geez lunches need to be packed. In the midst of all of this, FINDING hobbies that you don't already have can be tough. As a father, you MAY not do as much around the house or think as much about the daily chores of dinners, lunches, etc and so on.

Again, I'm not being sexist, just trying to face the reality of a family. I felt overwhelmed with my ONE kid, full time job, and a M in the toilet. I didn't feel support. I DO NOW. I get support, PWC helps with dinner, verbally lets me off of the hook for making it some nights, gives DS baths, brushes his teeth, gets him to bed. I still do most of the house cleaning, but we do our own laundry, so that only takes about 4-5 hours now.

We are evening things up a bit more now. I am more vocal about WHERE I need him to jump in, and he is more open to hearing me.

So, with all that being said, if your HOBBIES are around the home or close to home, so be it. Don't go rushing out trying to find hobbies so that your H can feel good about his. Join him in his hobbies and invite him to join you in yours. You don't have to do EVERYTHING together, just spend time together that you both enjoy; work toward that. I do enjoy things like the races and such with PWC, so I enthusiastically do those. Some of his hobbies I prefer not to be involved in, and he's okay with that.

For us, I think it's going to be more that I want him to do the physical stuff with me, and finding the time to do it. You'll get there. I can come up with lots of things that interest me, as your FWH can, but the trick is to narrow those down to what really inspires you. PWC has that inspiration and direction, and I am more than willing to help out in my way. PWC seems to feel the same about my needs for recreation. Balance.

Great News..PWC was CLEAR, DIRECT..open and honest with you...

Encourage and support that...

When do you go to the RACE TRACK????

I would recommend that you do that IMMEDIATELY if you can...

They just love to have their WOMAN hanging out there with him..

And you need to do your own version of GODDESS when you go...

Have you got that Dr. Laura book yet on PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS????

Sounds like your H wants his GIRLFRIEND back and that would be YOU....

Thanks Mimi,

I had, in the past, been right by PWC's side when he wanted to do Autocross or just go to the races. We got off track, and it's time to get back on.

PWC is going to help the TEAM replace the engine in their car this weekend, but that's really more of a grit and grime sort of thing, with people who know what they're doing. After this, we will discuss when the next races are. We were going to go to the local drags (1/4 mi.) but it's raining today.

That was the thing with PWC before, he used to feel so proud to have me with him. I'd like that to happen again, and when it does, I will be so proud to be with him.

I'm not FEELING this during EARLY RECOVERY.

My H and I spent ALL of our FREE TIME together, especially WEEKENDS.

Even though it's grit and grime kinda stuff, I suggest you ASK HIM if he wants you to go or better yet say: "I'd love to go with you if you want me to...I'll miss you so much"..Won't you miss him if he spends the weekend away from you doing something else? He wants to be wanted, needed and MISSED by you..say this as if you can't bear to spend a moment of time without him...

THINK..FLIRTATIOUS GIRLFRIEND..who loves to get all gritty and grimy with HER MAN...

Plus, of course, you want to learn all that you can about HIS INTERESTS which are SOOOOO ADMIRABLE....

Stop this "I'M GONNA" stuff, SL and JUST DO IT..no time like THE PRESENT...

HI, just checkin in...I back up Mimi 100% on that one!

ASSSSKKKKKK! Speak up WOMAN....let him hear you roar! Not buzz like a bee! Open and Honest statemetns here!

Where's the take charge woman that dated him b/f M? She's still around in there somewhere...a little different but still there! now, she's just playin "hide and go Pee" these days! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, Rin, you would probably know what an engine swap looks like, seriously, I will not even be noticed. I think you guys may want to rethink that; also, let's just consider that I need to tether my son around this too; it could be a day of frustration for me, and there is not much GODDESS in that! I've been around these procedures many a time; this is not the BE SEEN kinda thing; you are a fly on the wall in between tool swaps and people scratching their heads trying to figure out how to shoe-horn the new engine into place. I would most definitely go, no problem, it's just not the place for bystanders.

As for any other thing, I am going to be there. Sorry about my wording Mimi, I will be more literal and strong about that in the future; it's a hard habit to break.

And, Rin, that take charge woman is part of what he was having a hard time with prior to the A's. PWC likes the strength that I do possess, but doesn't want to be bossed. It's a balance that we used to have.

BTW, I did say that I would go with him, if he wanted me to, and enthusiastically, but he declined.

Oh, and Mimi, I'm going to get the book, but I'm going to check the library first. I am just finishing up a book and will be due to start a new one, and this really does interest me. I've read excerpts, and they have peaked my interst.

Oh, and thank you for checking in and advising, it is most appreciated, ladies...

where the heck are the gents, anyways, their advise is also very good on these matters.

Oh, well...there goes my advice out the window...you're right... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> maybe the two of you can play grease monkeys when he gets home? No swinging from the lights!

Well, why did he marry you anyway? perhaps that a better questions...

We met at work. I am older (by 3 years), so that was probably attractive as a 17 year old. I am attractive, open, funny, smart, unafraid of most things, very vocal about most things, strong, independent by nature, interesting, self sufficient in many ways, inquisitive, open to try new things, and showed an interest in his interests. I always enjoyed him teaching me how to do things in terms of motors. Oh, and initial attraction was probably to my physique too; he loved my legs; I was very athletic, not HARD, but athletic.

You know, you would have to ask him why he married me. I only know why I married him, and can only ASSUME why he married me. Must have been attraction to many of the above qualities...

Now, about playing grease monkeys...that sounds like a FINE idea. Your advise is well received...

Really? What a surprise!