Thanks Frog

I just look forward to these things, and DO miss them. I think being touched is what I miss most, as you can see by my list; most items listed have to do with touch. I don't want to overwhelm him by me giving; I don't want him to feel like he has to be like me, especially right now; I want him to feel loved, not pressured.

It's slow. PWC gave me a nice kiss before leaving this morning and gave me one of those little rubs on my lower back, while looking in my eyes, and that brought my thoughts to what I do miss.

How come you are not trying to SEDUCE your HUSBAND, Goddess???

Are you sleeping together?

Whatcha wearing to bed?

SL:

Mimi will have you two like jack rabbits soon.

But touch him. Alot.

The "tense-ness" will pass. As he grows in security with you, and realizes that you have changed, and that these behaviors seem consistent and permanent, he will start to come around.

Its been 4-6 weeks?

It takes a while. Withdrawal. Facing the demons.

Stay the safe place.

(((SL)))

LG

Mimi,

I wear little neglige type stuff MOST of the time now. I've been touching him more, but he does seem more tense this week in particular. I'm just going about how I would healthily act, touching, giving kisses, embraces, and such. We sleep in the same, go to bed at the same time.

I think I'll just touch him a bit more. I'm even verbal about wanting sex; we'll see. I called my FIL and asked him to take our DS for an overnight Saturday. I'm hoping we can just get some us time in, maybe go downtown, get some drinks on the waterfront.

I will need to become more vocal about the sex; I have been the initiator as of late, so if I want to get more in, I'll have to be more vocal. I think most subtlety is lost on PWC right now.

A good question for you guys is (LG may be a good candidate to look at this one), is there a point when my efforts are TOO MUCH for him; where he feels overwhelmed. He didn't used to, but HE is different right now, withdrawal is very real.

You could substitute most men for this.

Do whatever you used to DO to turn him on...

Less talk..More action...

Are there certain RITUALS that YOU TWO used to do as a PRELUDE to SF????

If talk at all, focus your TALK on how you are ATTRACTED to HIM.."You look good in that shirt"..."I love it when you get all GREASY" ( I'm remembering that weekend ENGINE thing of his.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />)..making HIM feel SEXY...

EVIDENCE YOUR DESIRE FOR HIM....


"

Any particular way that HE likes for YOU to DRESS?

DRESS UP FOR HIM..make sure not to DRESS DOWN when you come home from work...no changing into the SWEATS...

It's funny, Mimi, he used to be all over me when I was wearing sweats, he was all over me when I had rags on; it was just a different time. Our R has grown, so I need to grow with it. I got used to just being me. I think he liked me nekkid more than anything else. Now, I have seen that he likes the teddy's and stockings and such. I think I just need to kick it up a notch, but he is in bed by 9PM these days, LITERALLY. Almost like he's avoiding me.

Not much talking about these things, really, just me touching him. I do say nice things to him, I am trying, just maybe need to "kick it up a notch". We were going okay there for the first month, but seem to have lost some zest. Again, I don't know what IT is, but I'm just going to keep being myself, trying to keep going, not thinking about WHAT he's THINKING. Just go with how I've always been, maybe with a little more womanly sizzle.

Usually, the direct approach does work with him, but I've heard him talk about seduction; Maybe I need to focus on being more of a mynx and less of a kitty.

One other question. If I'm really triggered, having a really bad day, what do I do when I get home? I have a hard time shaking some triggers. One day, two weeks ago, I was actually so down, that I got home and didn't move from the deck for about an hour. I just sat out there, soaking up some sun. I couldn't even manage a nice smile, it was so awful.

Most days are good, but I do have some down days. I don't feel the need for AD's, because, as I said MOST days are just fine. I can't say I even think about the A's so much as my husbands absense over the last two years.

I guess I wonder if any of your experienced the same things early on; triggerful days? I ususally am triggered nearly every day, but I've been able to work my way through them; some days, I am hit with them one after the other. Just wondering...

How did you ATTRACT him to you when you were DATING?

That's what he wants back...that SL...

You attracted him to you with SWEATS?

You certainly must look good in SWEATS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Here's a good one that someone suggested to me - Next time you go out to dinner, go in the ladies room, remove your undies (sexy ones of course), go back to the table and tell him to hold your hands under the table then slip the undies into his hands. It works I'm told. Maybe after I'm through with Plan B I can try it

Do little things like that, and maybe he'll start to be intrigued by your next move. I have another good one too in case you're interested....

Silentlucidity,
Hi. Feeling down tonight? Me too. Sitting here with a glass of red wine. Just took a long walk with the pooch. Wife is in KY. She's having trouble with the OM, but . . .

I'm heading out to San Diego next Thursday / Friday for a job interview. Testing the waters. Sounds like a cool opportunity, but I'd be in poor shape for custody. It's difficult because MI is such a crummy economy, and I'm a real estate finance guy. I need to get to a better market.

I just take it one step at a time, pray a lot and read a daily devotional called "My Utmost for His Highest". Kids are all scattered at friends and activities right now. I've got my daughters ipod in my ears listening to country music. I just smiled at the song I'm listening to.

ooo, Knitgirl, good idea.

Mimi, we met when I was 19, so, yeah, I looked fabulous in sweats; I was very athletic, just got out of basic training, so I was pretty buff. He was attracted to my legs, I think, at first. Geez, at 19, I would have looked good in a paper sack! The rules of attraction are different when you get past those early 20's, teeny bopper days.

So, the short answer is YES, he told me then that I looked good in everything, and for some time thereafter.

I did woo him in last night with a Vicky's Secret number that I bought back in February. I don't think he had an unforced smiled even once.

Outside of sex, he was pretty talkative yesterday afternoon after work, smiling, talking about our veggie garden.

SL:

Wanted to follow up on this Q from you:

"A good question for you guys is (LG may be a good candidate to look at this one), is there a point when my efforts are TOO MUCH for him; where he feels overwhelmed. He didn't used to, but HE is different right now, withdrawal is very real."

The withdrawal is real. (However, beaware for contact, OK?) He was telling himself for two years during the A that he didn't want SL. And he was seeing these problems in the M for a couple of years before that, and (He can't blame himself!!!) that SL wasn't right for him.

And then...

He's back.

All the responsibility and all those things that make M hard are square in the face again....

And SL is different, but is he?

And dang, that girl wants it ALL THE TIME!!!!

Much to process.

SL, your way ahead, because you have been reading about these processes for over a year.

PWC has spent 2 hours here, and one or two hours with Steve H.

HE needs to start to move. And he needs the assistance that Steve can provide to keep him moving in the right direction.

You said that he was talkative last night, and even SF receptive.... And that you just talked about stuff.

You need to keep doing that. If he can feel safe talking to you about the garden, then him talking about the facts that he was a complete A$$ for two-three years is alot easier.

So, to answer your Q:

Your efforts will never be "TOO MUCH" not on the SF area. But in trying to get him to respond in the OTHER AREAS. He needs to dismantle those walls that he created. And as he dismantles them, he understands and knows that SL isn't using this exposed territory to blast him.

It's that safety thing again.

That's why something with Steve, and/or the Marriage Builders Weekend may be what SL/PWC needs right now.

PWC is facing a tunnel, which he doesn't know the length of, and that the short end of the tunnel is always alot closer and easier to get out of the tunnel, than the long end, with SL, DS, marriage and sunshine.

Just my 2 cents.

LG

PS: However, he just might need four hours of animal sex with you also.

LG, thank you sooooo much for keeping up with me. Your words are so very helpful. You understand so much more than I ever can. Your perspective is pricesless (and I'm too poor to pay for it)

Part of the reason that I posed that question, is this. Whenever I wronged someone, in a real, deep way, I felt guilt over it, even if I apologized. When/if that wronged person treated me well, the guilt bubbled to the surface in a bad way. I would, eventually, get past the guilt and move on from it, but, initially, it hurt to be reminded by how nice they were, that I was such a heel.

Now, I'm not going to apply this to PWC, because this may not be the case, it could really just be depression. I don't know; I don't bring up our R at all anymore. I just live day to day, as I normally would.

The advice to touch him is what I will go with; the advice to offer up sexual interaction is what I will go with; the advice to just keep shooting the [censored] with him is what I will go with.

I also asked about what to do when I'm triggery. Our 10th anniversary is tomorrow, and it has been either horrific or he was absent the last two years, so my recent memories are a bit overwhelming. I'm tempering that by giving to him, because it does make me feel like I'm doing something to make our future anniversaries so much better. The lack of enthusiasm from him, when I do touch or kiss, is a bit of a downer, so mix it all together, and I'm still working against the triggers.

After our anniversary passes, I believe I will feel some relief; it's crazy, these triggers! I was having similar feelings around July 4th, and they went away for a bit.

About contact, I don't know if there has been any. There were two instances, not long after he came home. He told me about those, but only when I asked. He did not see Aimless, but she called him about him being a reference on her resume.

I've said this before, unless he offers up the info, he could easily just open another email account, or only get email from her at work. He could talk to her on his cell phone during the day, and then delete the history before coming home. A man (or woman) are only as good as their word (and actions). His actions bring him home every day, same time, his actions are geared toward home. He's gleeful with our DS, just not so much with me.

LG, again, thanks for your perspective, I'm sure he does see that long dark tunnel, and has to go through it with me. That's got to be intimidating, in the least.

Oh, I'll just keep prattling on, if you let me. Can you tell conversation is a top EN of mine? Go figure...

Have y'all noticed that OUR GODDESS got her "some" and is now on a HIGH today?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I do feel better after a good O. I feel more focused on ME today, too. Looking to what I need to do, what I could be doing better. Thanks to y'all MB, I am doing so much better. I have learned to look at me, what I'm doing wrong, without pride getting in the way. It's refreshing to just be me, warts and all.

Wait, I don't have warts! "I'm not a witch, I'm your wife" (Princess Bride) Gross---um, maybe FLAWS and all.

Thanks Mimi, you always have a positive look at these things, and I appreciate setting me on the right track. I hope one day to pay it forward to others here. In a way, all that I learn from you will be offered to others, so I will have to let them know that it was you, always pushing me. I couldn't appreciate it more.

I do like SEX. SEX is good. SEX SEX SEX.

Um. SEX

Ahhh..Spoken like a TRUE WIFE GODDESS...

This is one of the MAJOR CURES for TRIGGERS...GOOD LOVING <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...learned that from PEP when I was in your very exact place in RECOVERY....I guess, like you say, I'm paying it forward...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

SL,

The FWW and I have this problem as well.

I like SF. If it were up to me and time permitted I would have SF in the morning, afternoon and at night at least 5 days a week.

I could be dead tired with a headache and if my wife says you wanna. I would say yes.

The problem I have is my FWW does just that if I am lucky. Or she will say, hey are we gonna fool around tonight because if we are I need to take a shower.

No offense to the women here or anywhere but you know we like a little dress up and seduction.

I mean it could be as simple as a silk robe with nothing on underneath or the whole Vicotria's thing.

JUST SEDUCE US. I think MIMI touched on it. Yes you wore sweats but I bet your undies back then were sexy.

I bet it was kissing followed by rubbing followed by.........

That is what men want and need.

I want a nicely wrapped presant then I want to unwrap it.

OK on to the other stuff too.

So what kind of communicator was he before. What were the covnersations like.

What I mean is some people just don't talk a lot. Others do.

If he was a man of few words that will be hard to change.

I can tell you this. In sales you just keep asking questions until the other person starts talking.

For instance I like baseball, if my FWW says hey the Yankees... heck I would talk some.

If she says I sound a new recipe for waffle chunks I would say that's nice.

Go with the mindless conversations, no real emotions or stuff.

Good luck.