Amen to Believer.

I'm recalling that we did lots of things that WE had never done before together..like horseback riding...

We were establishing a NEW MARRIAGE....

We have continued to do NEW and ADVENTUROUS things....for us..

Well, in the spirit of doing THINGS together, I did get my FIL to take my son for an overnight Saturday, so we will have nothing holding us back. I've asked PWC what he wants to do; he's unsure.

I've given suggestions, but none were met with much enthusiasm; I'm going to look around town, the City Paper, see what's doin' this weekend.

July 19th, our anniversary. He wished me a Happy Anniversary, and I gave him a kiss. Before he left the house, I gave him a warm hug and lotsa soft, sexy kisses. I really want his day to be good. Lotsa triggers for me, so I'm not going to make a huge deal out of the day for me; maybe this evening we can share a drink and some light conversation, a nice meal. I'll have to look something up.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today; I think things are piling up in my head. I'm thinking about PWC's happiness, his wellbeing, my childs wellbeing, the dogs, the cat, the partridge in a pear tree, and all that goes along with taking care of a family. I think it's time to do something for me, to recharge. I don't really know what that is right now, and it cannot involve money (paycheck to paycheck right now). I dunno, I'll figure something out.

Thanks for all of the helpful ideas. I'm going to look around town. There's always something going on.

Silent:

Just plan something out. The City paper will talk about what's open.

Hang out outside the Charles Theatre and watch the crowd for "Hairspray"

Several musuems are open late on Friday, and the Aquarium is open late.

Just walk around the inner harbor, parking can be expensive, but you can park about four-five blocks away and walk over.


When is Artscape? Most of that is free, and into the evening.

Follow him and where he wants to walk.

Have the outline of the plan but let him paint in all the numbers.

Or, I even enjoyed watching the over 40 or over 50 softball leagues playing in the parks Take a blanket, and a six pack in a cooler and watch the game. It's alot of fun, and cheap. If the score is close, both dugouts are usually loud and boisterous.

LG

I wish I knew the words to help you with your mindset, SL.

Try to go back to that place where you were when you SEDUCED YOUR HUSBAND the other day.

Have confidence in YOURSELF.

Know and believe that you are still that 19 year old whom he fell in love with years ago...and you have the POWER to win him over again.

It's not about WHERE YOU GO and WHAT YOU DO..it's about the ENERGY between the two of you.

It's about developing INTIMACY again and CLOSENESS...

Like LG mentioned the other day, my H explained to me that he was struggling with becoming a REAL PERSON again..getting off the high..wanting to be NORMAL..so he didn't necessarily want to do anything EXCITING..he wanted JUST TO BE...Even after all this time, he does that..we will go somewhere and JUST SIT and spend time TOGETHER..not doing anything especially THRILLING and EXCITING...just spending time TOGETHER...

But in that time TOGETHER, SL, recognize your POWER and IMPORTANCE to him..that's the GODDESS stuff that I always speak about..you are the GODDESS for your HUSBAND..you have that POWER and NO ONE ELSE HAS IT or HAD IT..I hear that you are not all that religious and that's OK with me..but whatever your beliefs, BELIEVE that YOU ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER and YOU WERE CHOSEN FOR EACH OTHER...

Believe that the EVIL SPIRITS are causing you to question and to doubt yourself..to go back into that NEGATIVE THINKING...

From this point forward, SL..try to engage in only POSITIVE THINKING about YOURSELF and YOUR RELATIONSHIP...because YOU HAVE THE POWER, SL...

Put your CLAIM on YOUR MAN...JUST BE YOURSELF..that's all HE NEEDS and WANTS...

So when I began to doubt myself or wander off into memories of the past, I would grab onto him, put my head in his lap, rub him, call him on the phone.."Just to hear your voice"...

He's there with you now, SL..you can do these things..Isn't that wonderful?..Focus on the POSITIVE...

Thank you two, Mimi and LG.

I am a positive thinker, so these past two years have messed my brain chemisty up. I'm getting back on track. I will think positively, that today is another day that he is home and I can give to him, help someone else feel good about themselves. It's powerful, this giving thing.

I was always a giver, so it comes pretty naturally, it's the evil that I'm unaccumstomed to.

Mimi, I'm not religious, but I do believe in God. I don't go to church, but I do pray. I hadn't in many years; I had no real faith. My childhood was a wreck, and we were never taught to turn to God. My mother believed in god (she passed away in Feb. 1999), but never taught us. I have read most of the bible, just not recently. My belief comes more from a feeling inside; from looking at my son, from looking at my husband.

These things I suffer are just memories, and they will diminish with time, so i am not really so focused on that, it's just unusual for me to have much focus at all on the past. Again, different world for me now.

I just want to be me today. I wore a nice skirt, a girly shirt, and some very cute slingbacks to work today. I work in a lab, that can be pretty dirty (I work will large volumes of bacteria, and other BUGS/cultures). I dress nicely on days that I know my workload is low; today just happened to be that day. I always feel better when I'm a bit more girly.

That tells ya something doesn't it?

But I've been trying to share and..you are getting it...it's not just about our OUTWARD APPEARANCE..although I do believe that is important...

It's about a GODDESS MINDSET...

"The man is mine..the man is mine..."

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I am getting there Mimi, thanks.

LG, I'm not sure about Artscape, but PWC would definitely know, he works on that side of town.

I was thinking of just going down to Fell's, seein what's doin, but I should get a better plan in place, so we don't just flounder. If I had the ducket's, I would like to go to McCormich and Schmick, sit outside, overlooking the water. There are also some good local places to us. We'll see. WE usually do really well when it's just the two of us, having some drinks, some food and some light talk.

I haven't been to the aquarium in a long while, so that may be nice. I love it there! YOu can get reduced price tickets if you buy online, too, or later in the day. I like Power Plant Live for a rowdy group, but it's not very intimate. I wish the comedy club was still opened (The B'more Improv). WE used to love to go catch a good comic, there.

Silent:

Flamingo is ALOT more girly now.

I posted our argument on the EN's thread about Flamingo's hair.

I wasn't happy with it.

And now, my FLAMINGO, uses a hair drier every morning, and LOVES the compliments that she gets!

Since Dday, her daily appearance has changed significantly. She liked what was happening at first, but she is getting so much more now.

(I Have to watch that girl!)

So, yes, get dressed up. I understand about the work enviornment, but, don't be afraid to be slinky underneath!

Mimi has pointed out how her H just wanted to be. If that is PWC, then work with that.

And evening in candlelight is a lot cheaper than even a bad movie!

And the Library loans videos/cd's for free.

But what ever you do, be with HIM.

LG

Yeah, PWC does like to just be. So do I, for that matter. I like to jump start the evening and then just let it carry us.

I really enjoy sitting out on the deck in the evening, candles going, mojito or margarita in hand, just soaking up the setting. PWC enjoys that too! We always end up remarking about how nice it was and so on and so forth.

Another idea is just walking. We find a place sometimes, the beach, the park, the peir, an outside mall etc and just walk.

We can hold hands and many opportunities to talk about different things.

Like at the outside malls. Look at that..... it is very easy to talk in those situations about nothing.

The other thing is that things can be very cost considerate.

IE icecream at stone cold or baskin robins. a pretzel etc.

Now if say you were halfway through your walk and you whispered in PWC ear you were wearing Vickeys or something like that you can kill two birds with one stone.

Time together and anticipation.

We do this with the kids as well NOt the anticiaption part. Just the walking around part.

Just an idea.

Good luck.

Ahhh..WALKING...we began doing this REGULARLY during RECOVERY..such a part of the ROUTINE of life now that I failed to even mention this...

WALKING..TALKING..HOLDING HANDS....

One evening I recall my H even said.."This is ALL I ever wanted...

cool, I'm hearing you all. I'll have to get some laundry done so I have plenty of chioces of what to wear, for the anticipation part...

SL,

Hope things are going well tonight.....

Keep us posted girl!

Hey Knitgirl and all,

The 'date' went pretty well. We went to a place downtown, on the water. We dropped DS off with FIL and headed out about 5PM. We arrived at our destination and ordered a couple of appetizers and some drinks; we sat outside, beautiful day.

Breaking the ice was a bit odd, but once done, we talked and talked and talked, into the night. We left the joint around midnight and drove home. PWC was a bit tipsy, so nothing else happened, but it was a good night overall. Toward the end of the evening, we did start to talk about our families, and friends, and THEIR issues. I got a bit hot about his BF's mother abandoning her three sons when they were in their pre-teens to early teens. None of them faired well after that.

His BF is doing well now, but was emotionally wasted for a while after she left. I told PWC that I didn't think too highly of any parent leaving their children, but for some reason, it angered me even more when a mother left her children, and I didn't know why I felt differently (maybe because *I* am a mother). I never said that to PWC's BF; it just sort of came out. PWC's mom gave him up for adoption to her parents, so he was raised by his grandparents.

PWC talked about his natural father, and how PWC made the decision, when he was 14, that he wanted NO relationship with his father. He questions NOW, if he made the right decision. I told him that I didnt' think HE should have been the only one involved in this decision, but what's done is done. His father killed himself not too many years ago. PWC wonders if this would have changed had he allowed his father into his life. I told him that that was an awful burdon to take upon himself.

Like I said, conversation got pretty heavy. We left on a good note, but I can safely say that Sunday I was down a bit; partly tired, partly drained. I took a break and just sort of vegged out for most of the day. I ended up eating something that I could not come to an agreement with, and had a sour stomach for the remainder of the evening after dinner.

Today, I plan on making some din din when I get home, and just going about the evening. Giving hugs and kisses and offering more; we'll see. No biggie. It's about 78 degreesF today, sun is shining, feels like late summer, instead of late July.

My auntD is terribly ill, fighting cancer (her third round this lifetime). My uncleB sends regular updates on her treatment, and it is not looking good. Hospice has been suggested. Not good at all. She has been fighting for some months now (previously two bouts of breast cancer), tumors popping up here and there. There may be a new one in her lung. She also may have liver cancer now, which means metastases. Not good at all.

This is my eldest uncle and aunt; the patriarch and matriarch of the family. We were so close when I was a child. My mother went through this same process when her cancer came back and mestastasized to her liver, bone and everywhere. It was tough to go through. The memories are surfaced right now, so I'm a bit 'off' today. I don't think it will be much longer for my AuntD, and then I worry for my UncleB.

I want to send them an email, just to tell them that I think about them everyday, and that I love them. I just find it hard to know WHAT to say.

Anyway, that's the news so far. PWC is taking such great care of our home and our son, and me, for that matter. He let me take a break last night when I wasn't feeling well. I could use much more affection, but he's loving me in his own way. I hope for more as the year goes by, but I'm just going to try and keep focus on what *I* can do to make things better.

Boy, this all just came gushing out...

Recognizing this is a BIG STEP, I think...

He will SENSE your ACCEPTANCE of him...

SL:
This is the first time I post to you, but I have been following your journey and admiring your courage and wisedom all along.
Our paths were different, but right now, we are in a similar sitch. I could use more affection from H and I would die to have him open up to me. We do talk a lot of stuff, some even intimate talks about childhood, our fears, our friends, but we still can't talk about his A or the problems in our R. It's been a year after D day. Other things are going great. He is loving in his own way as you put it, doing so much more than before, trying to be the best H and father he could be.
I really admire you for locking up your LBs and DJs under those extreme situations. It really requires a strong woman inside you. I realized in my own experience that whenever I could hold off those, I feel gratitude from my H. But I have problems speaking up my truth and getting my feelings across to him. And I still struggle on how to let my resentment go and how to establish a good communication pattern.
I'm following your thread carefully and taking in a lot of advice given to you, so here I just want to say thanks to you and all of you who post in your thread. Just know that it's helping others like me also. If you are interested, I have a thread in recovery forum and I'm working on how to communicate with H on serious issues.
Good luck on your days ahead. It's not going to be an easy ride, but I can sense with your inner strength, things are going to be great for you...

LovingAlong

SL,

That was nice.

Google- Famous Love quotes. Then read some and pick one and send that too him. My FWW and I do that sometimes.

Quick note on the deep conversation..... Sometimes I think back on those conversations and realize even though we were talking about other things we were really talking about us.....

With his childhood and his father that has a lot of impact on your relationship.

Don't over think it but he was telling you a lot.

Pulling you closer, trusting you with his feelings.

Things he would probably tell only you.

Tell PWC how much you appreciate last night. Hey maybe not by just saying thank you but showing.

Fill an EN or two of his!!!!

Glad to hear about your progress. You sound great.

SL:

Great evening, Huh?

I pulled this out:

"Breaking the ice was a bit odd, but once done, we talked and talked and talked, into the night. "

That's what you need to do!

You kept it light, and happy and interesting, and he did too!

And as the alcohol started to do its magic (black magic, as too much is then consumed...) you got to this:

"Toward the end of the evening, we did start to talk about our families, and friends, and THEIR issues."

And the heat started to raise.

Let him talk, SL.

Sometimes, it might be something you disagree with, and disagree with alot. But change the subject, if it is too painful, right now. But understand that these issues, act as sort of surrogate SL/PWC's. PWC may be talking about something, in the third person, to find out how SL feels, and to indirectly bring up issues inside his A that he would like to talk about, so he mentions someone in a similar sitch. (Does that make any sense...?)

Or, just listen, and let him talk about the issue, you can be gentle in the disagreement, because he is trying to process some things, and this is one way to do it. Slowly, his intimacy with you will increase, and then he will be able to talk to you about these things in the first person, and then you KNOW that recovery is in full steam.

This does not mean, that if he spouts some FOG driven drivel, that you shouldn'e blow that type of talk up, reverse babble, or redirect the line of thinking elsewhere.

I'm glad you had fun. Three-four hours of talking with a spouse, is very GOOD.

Doesn't mean to not talk about difficult issues, but allow the issues to evolve as well.

NO need to address every issue, right now.

LG

Thanks for checking in all!

LovingAlong, sounds like last ditch contact effort for your WH was in March, so he is, most likely, still in withdrawal, a very real, and very difficult stage for a WS, I presume. It seems like PWC gets better as the days go along, but I can sense when he is down, and right now, he is. I'm just trying to help him along, keep my dang mouth shut. Yes, he's hurt his family, and me personally, tremendously, but I don't think throwing that in his face, with DJ's and LB's is going to get US back on track.

I am learning to speak my truth in a loving, constructive way. I still slip up, and get 'heated' as LG so aptly put it, but I consciously down shift and get that pesky anger out of the way, by either changing the subject or just shutting up and listening. It gives me time to recollect my thoughts and go on.

Thanks Frog, for the suggestion; I had the same thought this morning; work is pretty busy, but I'll think of something.

LG, I started to get the distinct feeling that he was trying to say something to me, about himself, about his woes, his pain. When he talked about his father, my heart ached. He hid it so well at the time, but his mother's and father's deaths have hit him hard. Maybe a bit of identity crisis? Maybe just extreme loss, nothing being solved, no answers. One thing he said was that he will never know what really happened between his mother and father, before he was adopted by his grandparents. He will never have those answers, because both his natural and adoptive parents are dead. Broke my heart. I understand, I, too, will not have all the answers I wanted, but I'm learning to give them less importance in my life than working on myself with what I do know.

PWC has suffered profound loss in these last 5 years. I really am listening.