Frozen, I completely missed this post this morning. I do have a question about this...



Right now, I don't feel like crumbs are what I am getting. Baby steps are what I'm getting. For how long am I willing to stick it out? The way I see it, is IF PWC continues to learn and participate, and grow, I will continue on in recovery.

Honestly, I don't know how high to set the bar. I can set it for 'future' goals, but setting it THERE NOW, and expecting him to reach it, sets us up for constant conflict and failure.

Again, never been in recovery, but if my perception is that PWC is not willing to fill my EN's EVER, then I will have a decision to make of my own. He will have made his. Mine is to not live in a marriage of convenience, but in a full marriage. This is part of the reason I need to contact the Harley's, so that I can get a better guage of where we are, and if we are on the right track.

I have boundaries. It IS PWC's choice as to what he will do, and then I act in kind. Just as I have choices to make and he will act in kind.


I think there is a HUGE difference between controlling his choice (which I'm not, how can I?) and persuading him by my actions, to open himself up more, to dismantle that wall. My choice is recovery. I'm clear on this. I'm also clear that I like the MB principles. He follows them, for the most part. I follow them, for the most part.

I'm having a moment...

fear...

that I made the wrong decision letting PWC back into my life. I know he chose to come home. Things are just moving very slowly, and it scares me. Some comments that he has made are very muddled and foggy. I'm trying to separate reality from fogginess.

What the h3ll am I doing with this guy? Why am I so afraid of what he may do to our family? How can I work toward feeling safe again? What will make me feel safe? Will he GIVE it to me, if I know what IT is?

The thread by downtheroad, and ML's response (which I've seen over and over again these last few days) are bearing down on me. Is PWC compensating, is he IN RECOVERY, or is he freeloading? Why do I feel like he's got one toe in one condition (recovery) and one toe in the other (freeloading), just waiting for the right conditions to jump into the favorable thing?

I just have a weight on my chest right now, and a large lump in my throat. What do I do with my fears? How do I work this one out, without involving PWC in a 'talk'?

Breathe, SL.

Did you schedule the appointment yet?

guy smiley, not yet. Refresh my memory, when you call and set the appt. do they take the funds right away, or WHEN the session takes place?

I'm seriously having a mini moment, here. I haven't felt like this is a very long time. I feel like I'm going to vomit. Anxiety is very high in this moment. I can't focus so well.

SL - I think you know that you CANNOT make your husband stay - he has to want to. But you can realize that your life can be wonderful without him. Although your heart's desire is to save the marriage, you will be just fine without him. If the very worse thing happens and he leaves again, you will know that you did your best.

I'm very hopeful that hubby will join you on the recovery train, but if he refuses to, it is his loss.

thanks believer, sometimes I need a reminder that I'm going to be just fine, no matter what.

I'm very hopeful too, that he will join in, and I do not expect to control him. I'm just wanting a decision, that I don't know that he can give right now, and I don't know if I'm willing to continue without it. Scary.

Oh, I don't want to make him stay, either, just a decision, and I dont' know if that is healthy or not. I need the Harleys to guide me.

It's Harley time SL. As soon as possible.

Sometimes the best things can happen right after the darkest moments are endured.

((((SL))) A cyber hug from Colorado.

Thanks Chrisner! Big thanks!

Still have that lump in my throat, still nauseous, calming down.

Harley time, like Miller time...

Skip the Miller, I will get the bourbon and a couple glasses. Double shot, neat.

You have friends here SL.

I got myself stuck in a moment, there. I'm going to call for an appointment this afternoon. Just got off of a phone call with my friend M, and am feeling much calmer. I have the best friends in the world.

Chris, bourbon is one strong drink, but I'm in. Doesn't that put hair on your chest, though?

SL: to answer your question....I' trying to remember. I put it on my credit card....so I pay little attention. If I'm remembering right, I gave her my number the day of the appointment.

Just call and ask. Chances are it will be a few days before you can get an appointment anyway, right?

Have any Xanax left?

Breathe.

Thanks Sis. I have no idea why that topic got me so riled up, so panicky. As I was talking on the phone with my friend, it was mentioned that I may have gotten riled up because I don't know what is typical (other than stories here) of what many BS's and FWS's alike, feel during recovery, and how that may manifest itself.

It will be good to have an idea from a specialist of what I can expect. I think I will be much less fearful of events and things.

Whew! I am so drained right now. I feel like I just ran a mile, flat out!

I'm doing some breathing exercises while I'm typing. THey are making me feel relaxed, and centered.

Wrong thread to look at, I guess, huh? I haven't been following, actually, since it doesn't apply to me and why look for more trouble than I've already got?

Check out hopesandfears instead. There are a number of recovery stories there by FWSs and it did strike me that they all talked about how difficult recovery was. Maybe a quick look at that perspective might help.

You are right....the antidote to fear is knowledge.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sis, I read that thread (hopesandfears) this morning, and thought it sounded 'familiar' to what I am experiencing with PWC. I have NO idea what HE is experiencing. Sometimes, the threads I read are a bit lopsided, in that MANY BS's reply to them and few FWS's.

I always feel better when I read what the FWS's experienced.

Guy smiley, you've helped return MY smile.

Hi SL, still smilin? Just checking on you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oh, princessmeggy, you are so sweet. Thank you. Yes, I'm back to smilin'!

I've taken a new approach to my sitch this week. I am doing what *I* can for recovery, and letting go AGAIN, of that control illusion. It really does sneak up on me.

I had my mini meltdown last week, and realized that I was working myself up for something that didn't exist, at least, not to my knowledge. I made my appointment with Jennifer for next Wednesday evening. I have asked PWC if he would meet with me, but have not received an answer. No matter, I will be meeting with Jennifer.

I need to have a better understanding of what to expect right now, and how to DO this.

I try to remind myself DAILY, that PWC is home, HE chose to come home, he chooses to remain. He shows signs of love, by complimenting me on a meal, pretty specifically most times even, or saying something nice about my clothes, or picking up after me. Somedays, i see glimpses of his old self, and it makes me smile, not for me so much as for him. It is painful to watch him struggle. I know he is trying now, more than before, because he's told me so.

I don't know where we'll end up, but I still long for something sort of like we used to have, the open affection, the laughter, and conversation, and I hope to add much more that we didn't do well, or have. I can't see that light right now. We are in the middle of the tunnel.

Looks like it will be a table for one at my session with Jennifer. PWC is not interested in talking with MB folks right now. He says he's looking into other avenues to help him work on himself. Heck, if he finds something good, I hope he shares it with me! Heck, that's why I come to MB regularly, to work on me, so I definitely see the appeal in his search.

So, I'll let you guys know what comes out of the session. I don't even really know what to ask. I really just want to understand. Maybe that's not worth the $185 to some, but my sanity is priceless, if you ask me.

No help, but I'm listening.

Sorry for PWC's decision. Maybe he will change his mind. If not, you're handling it well.