Mr. W esq.

Great post! I think it is spot on. Is recovery possible after all this time and affair? I am willing to invest, but is this a lost cause. I guess things have improved a litte, so some progress is being made. But to fall in love again? Is it possible?

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In early recovery you must carefully pick and choose carefully your opportunities to actually create conflict and try to resolve it using POJA and conflict resolution skills. It's OK to say to her that eventually, EVENTUALLY, you refuse to remain in a loveless marriage.

This is so important, I wanted to emphasize ...

Pep

YES.

But, I think YOU have work to do on YOU.

As attorneys, we face the challenge of believing we have the answers. The faith others place in us tends to fool us into believing we can assess and strategize ourselves in all situations. In this situation, I didn't know it all and neither do you. That didn't stop me from trying. In fact, I purposely avoided and discarded reading any and all threads on MB regarding exposure. I decided, like you did, that exposure wasn't for me. That was a mistake. I also, like you, lurked, instead of posting. I mistakenly thought I could glean the answers to my situation by picking and choosing principles from the drama's herein. Again, a mistake.

Your situation, though similiar in many aspects, is unique. It needs and requires unique and timely applications of the MB principles applied consistently and without variance over time. MB IS a narrow path. You can't do it YOUR WAY, no matter how intelligent you may be. Kinda like the "fool for a client" concept we all know so well.

Dr. Harely believes he can get anyone to fall in love with anyone. I can't speak for him, but I believe he equates falling in love with an addiction. You create an addiction to and with your spouse by meeting needs. When you both meet each others needs...love results. It's a simple biological formula. You, just as I was, are at a distinct advantage due to the fact our wives both fell in love with us once. We weren't in arranged marriages. We chose our spouses and they chose us (and, if you are a Godly man...they were chosen by God for us as our perfect mate and you, theirs). God doesn't make mistakes.

It usually does happen. Most marriages survive infidelity. With MB, it will mostly likely survive AND THRIVE. However, even if it doesn't YOU will become a better individual regardless. YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Best wishes.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I am no longer practicing tax law. I'm a business owner. I am closing on another business on Monday and my MB time will be quite limited. Thus, don't be frustrated or curious if I fail to respond for a day or more. I'll check in when I can.

Here is a thought that has been bothering me for sometime and I need some help thinking through this.

I am now three months past D-Day, and by reading my posts above, you know my story. What bothers me is that I have never established contact with the OM’s wife. I couldn’t find her phone number at first, but have located a mailing address.

My wife and I have a recovery in progress that has been dicey, but is showing some signs of improvement. I don’t suspect the NC has been broken, and she has assured me of this multiple times (just like she assured me she wasn’t having an affair). But my gut tells me to believe her.

On one hand, I don’t want to interrupt our recovery by sending a letter to the OM’s wife and having the OM find out and contact my wife and get her all worked up at me. I suspect this would be a huge LB for her. I am sure she would wonder why I an sending the letter now, after 3 months…. On the other hand, I don’t think (but don’t know) if the OM’s wife knows and I could use her help monitoring the NC agreement. The OM's wife deserves to know, doesn’t she? The other motivating factor, and probably the largest, is revenge. It just doesn’t seem fair that the OM gets to have passionate sex with my wife on multiple occasions, then resume his normal life without consequence. I just don’t know what to do….. Help? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What would you do if you weren't afraid????

Contacting the OM's Wife is a must. It's the decent moral thing to do. You'd want her to tell you, wouldn't you? Besides...without consequences what's to stop OM from knocking on your wife's door again for a little booty on the side. NOTHING. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy. Turn the light on and the cockroaches sramble. He'll most likely distance himself from your wife in an effort to save HIS marriage and his wife will watch him like a hawk.

MOSTLY...you do it for you. By keeping the secret YOU inadvertently become a co-conspirator in the secret. YOU can clear YOUR conscience by speaking the truth and exposing the lies. YOU MATTER. She can get mad and upset all she wants but your strength of character is what ultimately will attract her back to you in the end. She may not get it today (she doesn't have too) but as she processes the situation, clears the fog from her head...she will understand. IF she fails to ever get...at least YOU will know you did the right thing.

BTW...the courage is in the doing. I KNOW it's scary. However, I assure you, EVERY poster herein facing your predicament has felt nothing but relief from doing the exposure. Once done...it's necessity becomes sooooo much more apparent. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

IF an address is all you have...maybe drive over there and expose tommorrow.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - be wary of the revenge affair (you and OM's Wife would naturally be an instinctual consideration as the perfect revenge affair). OM's Wife needs only the informaiton about the affair and it's circumstances. She needs enough proof to convince her no matter how much OM tries to deny the allegations (and he will). You are not responsible further. You are not required to help her save her marriage or become her friend. It's highly inappropriate for YOU, a married man, to counsel a woman in marital distress. Further...OM and your wife will presume you two are having a revenge affair if you carry on, even innocently, too long with each other. Your marriage doesn't need the semblence of a revenge affair...it's got enough problems on it's own today.